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139,425 Literary Works • 672,560 Reviews
This is a very deep poem. It really makes you think about the important things in life. This talks about life in a short amount of time. I really enjoyed how you used the Sun and the Moon to describe the girls. It really gave this a little something extra. I really hope you write more things like this because it really sparked a little part of me. This describes two friends, helping each other in times of hardship. All friends can relate to this. It really makes you think about friendship and the values of friendship. Keep up the good work. Keep writing!
One Chapter List review, slaughterhouse style, coming right up.
[Changes in italics[/], comments in bold.
The Meat Grinder
Spoiler
Stella and Luna
Two girls, forever laughing at themselves (life Why is this here? It makes no sense when put in scheme with the rest of the poem.)
Two girls, giving each other comfort
Two girls, talking about boys
Two girls, inseparable since they met The isolation does punctuate this point really well, though it could also have been a part of the first stanza.
Stella and Luna
One is the Sun
The other[i], the Moon.
Complimentary opposites
Spending their days
With revolutions around the park.
Stella is the happy one
Luna is always sad
Stella is carefree
Luna is always worrying The form of this stanza is nice, though this line stumbles slightly in terms of flow.
Luna has a problem
Stella tries to fix it
Luna laughs and Stella rejoices
Stella,
Forever laughing at the moon
Luna,
Forever Adding something here will even out the poems structure a bit more.
They were once always together
Time and space separates them now
As they grow distant and cold
Luna makes a choice
It breaks Stella’s heart
Stella grows
colder
colder
colder I like this bit here, the indenting of the above line really draws attention to it and really emphasises the point.
As the sun freezes over
The world they know begins to end Shortening this line helps with the flow.
Slowly and painfully This just seemed to flow better with the roundedness of this stanza.
A heart bleeds
A heart hardens
A heart left that no longer feels This line really messes with the flow of the stanza. You've got two sharp and direct lines, then you've got this longer and rounder line.
Stella and Luna
Two friends
Forever together This stanza seems really out of place here. One moment they're (Stella and Luna) growing apart. The next, they're still friends. Unless you're using this line for juxtaposition. If so, then you did a good job with it.
Stella and Luna
One choice
Forever apart?
The Chopping Black[/smalll-caps]
This poem isn't half bad. The symbolism with the sun and the moon is well written and really helps relay the idea of friendship in the poem. The story behind the poem is also clear and precise, telling the readers exactly what the poem is about without any confusion or analysing required.
What I don't like is how Stella gets cold - I like the way it is written into the poem, but I don't like how the sun "freezes over". A better representation could be the sun shrinking or shrivelling away, or may being even in the throes of death. Freezing just seems a little over the top / out of place in the poem.
This poem definitely seems like a narrative poem. As I've said, the story is well written and clear. Though, what I want to know is where's the imaging. Yes, the whole sun and moon metaphor is good imaging, but that's the only piece of imaging that I can find. There just seems to be a whole lot of 'telling' going on in the poem.
The overall flow in the poem is rather good. It is a bit stiff in places and sometimes trips over itself, but I've already pointed it out in The Meat Grinder. Having bumps in the flow is unavoidable. But too much just throws the audience out. A good balance is what you need to find, so it's good that you're pretty close to finding that balance.
Just one more little nitpick: having "Stella and Luna" as the first line in the second last paragraph doesn't seem to fit quite right. I didn't edit it out in The Meat Grinder because it could possible work there; it's just that too much repetition of the one thing is well, too much. Though, having "Stella and Luna" as the first line in both the first and last stanza does add a nice touch to the poem.
[small-caps]The Happy Sauce
I hope you enjoyed your review.
- noni >( ==)
Sorry about the small-caps function messing up.
As well as the italics. *bangs head on the keyboard of my crazy computer which hates BBCode.*