here lies
the once dainty hero
parched and earth-beaten
from life's injustice
here he lies
ghoulish and
motionless
he has gone down
like the receding
of mighty waters
he who had conquered
earning the respect of nobles....
now lies
silent forever
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I really enjoyed reading this poem! It reads almost like a story and your imageries are strong enough that I could actually imagine this individual, tired weary and beaten by life. I liked the finality that is translated in the repetition of the phrase "he lies". It suggests that despite his noble achievements in life, its over for him. He is not getting up again.
I especially loved this imagery! You have drawn a very fine comparison here with the receding of waves. No matter how mighty a wave is and no matter how hard it beats against the shore, it still has to recede back to the sea where it came from. Similarly, human beings come into this earth, achieve great accomplishments and leave their mark through their good deeds. However, no matter how great a person is, they still cannot evade death which ultimately claims all. I think this thought, or rather this truth of life was portrayed rather well here.
I agree with the other reviewer who said this line does not fit well with the poem. It seems to deviate here a bit, and the sudden mention of the noble's seems like a callous, last-minute inclusion that does not have much to do with the theme of the poem. It splits our attention for a second, adding a different shade of color to our protagonist that does not have nearly enough time to develop in order to work.
Other than that, it was a nice poem. I did not mind the lack of punctuation, but I do think that you should capitalize the first letters of the sentences at least.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
thank you
I like this poem, actually, even though it has a fantasy type feel which I don't really like that much usually. Your images are very good, and the writing style is simple which is nice, because it's a simple message and doesn't need to be cluttered with too many words. There are a few things I think you could improve on:
Firstly, you need to add capitals and punctuation a little bit more. It's alright not to start every line with a capital (actually, I think it's better not to) but you need at least one at the start of the poem. Try and write it out as sentences, in prose form, and see how you'd punctuate it then, that's how it should be done here as well.
I like this opening stanza, it's good. Especially the last two lines, parched and earth-beaten is a lovely image. I get a picture in my head of a man lying in the dust, broken and tired. I think that's what you wanted, so that's great.
I don't like the repetition of "lies" very much, simply because you only said it a few lines ago and it feels too soon. I love ghoulish and motionless though, very good words.
I love this stanza as well, the receding of mighty waters, it's a good simile for the descent of a powerful person.
I don't like this part very much though. I don't like the reference to nobles because it's too bare and unsubtle. I would consider changing the second line of this part to something else.
This is quite good, but not an incredibly strong final line as it has been done before. People say quite often things like "silent forever" maybe you could come up with something more startling and sad, more original. I think the repetition of lies is good here though, linking back to the start of the poem.