Today is just like every other day because every day is a struggle and no one seemed to care. Life on the streets holds no hope for a young child like me. But what? I came out here to find reality. I ran away to find a life of happiness, a life worth living. I came in search for meaning and hope. I thought I'll find it here.
I rise up from my mat, which was on the cold floor in a shaft- our makeshift home. It was made from wood all around with a tarpaulin serving as a roof. The shaft was attached to the back of a bar where one of us worked. I live here with two other boys, who had also ran away from home. They were out already doing menial jobs to earn a living. I was last to wake up because I spent much time in the bar last night thinking over what had become of my life. The scent of Mama Awo s food wafted in. She was a popular fast food vendor who we bought from. She was kind and loving as well. I move outside.
'Good morning ma', I greeted.
'Morning Nyaoke, and don t tell me you're just waking up', she replies with a motherly smile.
As I look round this familiar surrounding A sudden feeling erupted inside me. As I caught sight of the little children on their way yo school, I recall that I was once like them. But look what it had turned out to be. Tears welled up in my eyes and I walk back in. All I've got in my mind is questions if life was worth it.
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140,624 Literary Works • 673,566 Reviews
Hi! This starts off well, sounding like a diary at first. The first sentence is very blunt and draws the reader in. However, from there, you switch tenses a couple of times. As you're writing a diary, you're probably talking about your life at present, so it should be "no-one seems to care" and "I thought I'd find it here".
Then again, in the second paragraph you say "I rise up from my mat", which implies that you are writing as you are doing it. I'm imagining someone writing in their diary about their day, and so you would then say you rose up, past tense. Or maybe I misunderstand and it's not the whole thing that's a diary, that's just what it's called. But to me, the first paragraph sounds like a diary entry and the rest is written more like a story. Overall, I think you just need to proofread your work and stick with a particular tense and a particular style - either that or clearly mark what is a diary entry, if anything, and what isn't. It could turn out to be an interesting, promising story. Hope that helps!
Hey Joe! Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
But what? Doesn't make any sense to me.
And yet you're not?
don't.
to school
Alright.
II. TENSE
This is a note to keep an eye on your tense, it's all over the place, you're using conditional and future and past and present. Pick a tense and stick to it like glue. And proofread! A quick glance over this would already have shown up your mistakes. A few slips is fine, but having tense as messy as this gives me the impression that you haven't really tried. Whether you have or not is irrelevant, it's all about the impression you're giving your reader. So choose your tense and stick to it!
III. OVERALL
This is too short to write much more about. You've got great skill with words, but there was little characterisation or story behind this, and that's what I want to see. We don't know what age your MC is, and there's a little conversation at the end, but other than that, it's just him complaining about how hard his life is. And yes, living on the streets would be hard. But we know that! There's got to be substance behind it to make it worth reading. As it is, it's so short that you have tons of room to flesh out your characters, your conflict, your plot. So do it!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x