I never knew
this road was so long,
until I walked it.
I never knew
these shoes were so big,
until I stepped into them.
I thought it would be easy.
I thought it would be fine.
I never knew
the weight of this burden,
I thought it was light.
I never knew the height
of this mountain,
I thought it was scalable.
So here I stand.
my curiosity taking the better of me,
As I embark on this celestial task.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,624 Literary Works • 673,566 Reviews
Just want to thank every one who has commented on this poem. I really found your comments helpful!
OMG! *Noms*
This is good. I like the concept. good job.
This doesn't sound right. I would say something more like, "until I marched in them," or something to make me picture you in the big shoes. Not just "oh look. big shoes."
Other than that, it's a good poem.
Love,
Fixed
Hi praisejoe,
So what's the celestial task? All you do is ramble on about a vague feeling and leave it at that. And don't get me wrong - it can work sometimes, but not in this case. You don't ascend nor descend with the flow and magic of the poetic word. It's always something about you not knowing something and then... knowing it. Lather, rinse, repeat.
The last paragraph is bland. Celestial task was the only rather solid image that formed, and even that was a haze. Where do you stand? On the brink of Saturn? On the meadow, rooted to the ground while your arms stick to your sides like crossed by the fury of the wanderlust? Spool it out for the reader. Paint a tapestry, not a few blotches of paint here and there held together by glue.
Throw this away and try again. You have the ability to create something decent, so do it.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
I really like this poem for the meaning it has. Especially this part which I found inspirational:
, which is a good thing! I was left with the want of reading more. Congrats on getting my attention...
" I never knew
this road was so long,
until I walked it.
I never knew
these shoes were so big,
until I stepped into them."
The second stanza is also beautifully written.
I found this poem short
The only thing I would tell you to change is the ending; keep the same wording but rephrase it so it doesn't seem so rushed.
I can't wait to read more of your work! Keep it up!