z

Young Writers Society



The Lost Dragon Chapter 4.1 (LMS VI)

by soundofmind


Chapter 4: O, Worm

"Hey, Gregor!" she shouted, easily able to spot him from the top of the hill.

His head whipped around, and he shouted back.

"What's wrong?" he asked, clearly sensing the alarm in her voice, even though she was trying to be careful more than alarming.

"We should hurry!" she shouted back. "I've got a bad feeling about this patch!"

The problem was, sand worms tunneled underground for miles. If they'd surfaced out here at any point there wasn't any way to tell how close they were to the surface or if they were even close. They could've come up to the surface days or weeks ago, and if nothing else came through here except wildlife, the tunnel they left behind would be left largely undisturbed.

That, and if they were close she didn't want to waste time looking down holes. Sandworms were a Class A monster for a reason. They were huge, and they moved fast underground.

Fortunately, from what she could see, the holes she was looking at looked like they were on the smaller end of the spectrum. They were probably just juvenile little wormlets.

Gregor had pulled out his whip, and so had the other men as they began to whistle and shout at the cows to move faster. It looked like the cows were spilling down the hill as they began to moo and push closer together.

She hung back, riding Billy slowly down the hill from the top. Billy's ears were flicking around, alert and ready. Clandestine's eyes drifted across the hills before they found Matt at the back of the herd. Giving Billy a push forward, she hurried to catch up with him.

"Is everything alright?" Matt asked as she rode up beside him.

Clandestine sat tall on her horse, scanning the area around them as if her head was on a constant rotation.

"I'm not sure," she said, trying to be honest and realistic. "I'm just trying to be careful."

Matt was quiet for a beat.

"Did you see anything?" he asked.

"Sandworm tunnels," Clandestine. "Or that's what it looks like."

The sound of panicked hoof-beats and disgruntled cows filled the brief silence.

"Sandworms," Matt said slowly. "All the way out here?"

"They're called sandworms," Clandestine said. "But they don't just live in sand."

That was the thing about monsters. You drove them out of one place, they just went to another. That was why the world needed monster hunters. Ideally, they'd take the monsters out so they would never return, so long as it was possible.

Matt only hummed in reply, and then he went quiet. One quick glance his way revealed that he too was on high alert and seemed to be trying to push the cows to go even faster.

Maybe a minute passed.

The hill was long, and it felt even longer while she watched the cows clamber down it at a painfully slow pace. Even with the ranchers pushing them on all sides with every sense of hurry they could muster, the cows didn't seem to understand the severity of the situation.

Then again, how were you supposed to explain something like that to a cow?

Clandestine looked behind them again for the dozenth time, and she stared when she saw a small flock of flying boar flutter into the air with the same nervous, skittish energy of a flock of birds that had been spooked.

Thing was, flying boars weren't that skittish. If something scared them, it was something big.

That was not good news.

The boars started heading northwest, up and away from the area Gregor had led them around. Faintly, she could hear their high-pitched squeals as they fled.

"Can't we get these cows moving any faster?" Clandestine asked, shooting a tense look to Matt.

He glanced back, pressing his lips into a line.

"We can try," he said. "But cows aren't that fast."

Clandestine knew that, but she was hoping for a different answer. Cows couldn't keep up with horses at full speed, and in passing, she wondered if that was where the word cowpoke came from. Because cows were slowpokes.

She sighed to herself, noting that the herd was getting antsier. Some of the cows were starting to speed up this time, but seemingly on their own, and without prompt. But their increase in speed was accompanied by others slowing down, hesitating.

It reminded her of how they looked that morning, actually.

Uneasy.

"We really should--" she began to urge.

There were tremors in the ground beneath them. At first, they felt distant and deep. But they were getting closer.

"Go!" Clandestine shouted. "Gregor! Blaze on ahead!"

Unquestioning, Gregor let out a loud yell and cracked his whip.

Now very alarmed, the cows really started to make a run for it. If it weren't for the cowboys on each side of the herd, it would easily have turned into a stampede.

Clandestine rode behind them, trying to find the source of the tremors. When the wormlets came closer to the surface, she'd see the earth begin to crack and warp, either sinking in or jutting out. But it seemed they were still too deep for it to show up above.

The cows were spilling into the valley between the hills. In the crook where the two hills met, there was a small, spindly little tree, likely having grown there because the water flowed down to it. Before the cows could reach it to trample it over, she watched as it started to shift.

First, it shook. Then, it fell over, completely uprooted. Dust came up as the earth moved around it like a low wave, rippling out and coming forward to meet the herd. The rumbling, once low, and deep in the earth, was now loud and unnerving.

The horses began to neigh in alarm, and Percy's horse looked like it was about rear up and kick him off.

Elliot, however, seemed to keep his calm. Aside from the anxious flicking of his ears, he didn't flinch.

Odd. She'd only ever seen Billy be that calm when there were literal giant worms about to attack.

With no time to waste wondering what kind of horrors Elliot might've seen, she reached into her oversized jacket with one hand and pulled out the shotgun she had hidden on her back. She held Billy's reins steadily in her other hand as she hurried ahead, riding past the herd as Gregor pulled it once again to the side in a too-late attempt to avoid confrontation with the sandworms.

Holding onto the saddle firmly with her thighs, she freed her hands and cocked the gun, tracing the dusty trail with the tip of its barrel.

"Leave this to me!" she shouted. "And let the cows panic! We can use the noise!"

"Alright!" Was Gregor's panicked reply.

Billy's hooves pounded in rhythm with her heart. With all of the hoof-beats pounding on the surface, she was hoping that it would muddle the giant worms' senses. Sandworms were blind and deaf, and made their way underground by feeling vibrations in the earth.

Well, they'd sure be feeling a lot now.

It seemed that the worm was following the herd, but its path wasn't direct. She had a feeling if it tried to go under the herd, it wouldn't be able to make out anything specific with all the noise.

Clandestine came around the front of the herd, riding just ahead of the worm's plume of dust. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw Matt had broken away from herding and had begun to follow her in pursuit of the sandworm.

Not sure if Matt was just stupid, reckless, or more competent at monster hunting than he appeared, Clandestine didn't feel like wasting time having to explain to him why that was a bad idea.

"Focus on the cows!" she shouted. "Cowboy!"

She might've congratulated herself on the little quip when Matt listened and veered to the side, but the plume of dust also changed course. Towards him.

Of course. He was the furthest thing from the herd now. The easiest thing to see.

Cursing under her breath, she wheeled Billy around, heart pounding.

Just as she aimed her gun, the earth behind Matt began to cave in and then push out. Finally, the worm showed itself.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

Donate
Thu Jun 08, 2023 12:48 pm
View Likes
Ventomology says...



Awesome action, but can I just say, this chapter title is pure gold.




soundofmind says...


lmao THANK YOU i try



User avatar
386 Reviews


Points: 27684
Reviews: 386

Donate
Sun Jan 29, 2023 12:02 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @soundofmind it's me again here for a short but happy review. Let's just dive straight into this one.

"Hey, Gregor!" she shouted, easily able to spot him from the top of the hill.

His head whipped around, and he shouted back.

"What's wrong?" he asked, clearly sensing the alarm in her voice, even though she was trying to be careful more than alarming.

"We should hurry!" she shouted back. "I've got a bad feeling about this patch!"


Okay at this point I'm so hopping for action, that I'm like if nothing happens and they make it over this patch all fine, I'm going to be really disappointed and upset.

Clandestine looked behind them again for the dozenth time, and she stared when she saw a small flock of flying boar flutter into the air with the same nervous, skittish energy of a flock of birds that had been spooked.

Thing was, flying boars weren't that skittish. If something scared them, it was something big.


Oh yeah somethings goanna happen I can feel it, I'm so enjoying this chapter, the tension building up is great, I'm fixated to this chapter.

With no time to waste wondering what kind of horrors Elliot might've seen, she reached into her oversized jacket with one hand and pulled out the shotgun she had hidden on her back. She held Billy's reins steadily in her other hand as she hurried ahead, riding past the herd as Gregor pulled it once again to the side in a too-late attempt to avoid confrontation with the sandworms.


Yes danger, this is going to be awesome, I am definitely carrying on ready because this is epic.

"Leave this to me!" she shouted. "And let the cows panic! We can use the noise!"

"Alright!" Was Gregor's panicked reply.


I love how confident Clandestine is with this sort of thing but yet she's completely different with other things, girl you're a hunter and I hope you know that because no one goes barreling into that sort of thing like that!

Of course. He was the furthest thing from the herd now. The easiest thing to see.

Cursing under her breath, she wheeled Billy around, heart pounding.

Just as she aimed her gun, the earth behind Matt began to cave in and then push out. Finally, the worm showed itself.


Oh, Matt what were you thinking, I couldn't believe this was the kind of cliffhanger you let me on. I must read on I can't stop here this is call action for a reason!

I think this chapter so far was my favorite sound, you did a really good job with it and I was really fixated! So if I was being harsh, I'm really sorry that was not my intention, I'm only saying what I think might be helpful, I hope to read more of your chapters, keep up the great work.

I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world your on.

@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement




User avatar
542 Reviews


Points: 41664
Reviews: 542

Donate
Sat Dec 24, 2022 12:35 pm
View Likes
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi again sound! It looks like we’re getting into the ‘action’ part of this adventure. Clandestine’s suspicions about James seem to be increasing. I think at this point she's thinking that he's not all he appears to be and that’s going to be cemented more firmly after they deal with this sandworm crisis.

Glows – What I liked

I kind of like how the narrative voice/ POV is used here. Since we can only know what Clandestine knows, we’re left wondering about what James’s intentions and thoughts are. For instance, the last bit:

Just as she aimed her gun, the earth behind Matt began to cave in and then push out. Finally, the worm showed itself.

It makes me wonder if James started riding away on purpose to lure the sandworms out, since some earlier lines show that Clandestine thinks he’s had monster-related experience before (and I agree with her).
The comedy moments were appreciated – they didn’t feel too in the way of the tension and also were entertaining.
Then again, how were you supposed to explain something like that to a cow?

I chuckled at this one, as well as at Clandestine’s “cowboy” joke at the end. I like that both of those are embedded into another thought about the crisis she’s dealing with, like the first being about how slowly the cows were ‘running away from’ the sandworms and the second one while she’s trying to get James/Matt to stay back. It felt ‘natural’, so to speak.
I like how Clandestine encourages them to let the cows make noise to distract the sandworms. I thought that was clever and a nice way to show that she’s good at monster-hunting. The continuity of that point with how the worms weren’t just going under the cows so that they could still sense their surroundings was also neat.

Grows – Ideas to consider

I wonder how this part would look if the sequence of running away from the sandworms was cut down a little bit. I liked some parts of it and thought it built the tension, for example, the point after Clandestine started feeling the tremors was pretty tense.
Thing was, flying boars weren't that skittish. If something scared them, it was something big.

I thought the ‘point’ about the flying boars was already delivered in the previous chapter, for example, when they appeared while the cows were acting nervous. So the fact about them being hard to scare felt like it was distracting me from the ‘main event’ so to speak. And also, since we already know that the ‘something’ is a sandworm and everyone seems scared of sandworms, the idea that it’s “big” and ‘not good news’ feels a bit redundant.
Another thing to try might be to remove the pauses in the flow of the scene, including silences between lines of dialogue and interjections for exposition. I think pauses are nice when there’s already a huge amount of tension built up and you want to drag it out for effect, though it can also be nice to remove them so the scene as a whole moves more quickly and feels more action-y. For example, what if the convo between Clandestine and James/Matt was just:
"I'm not sure," she said, trying to be honest and realistic. "I'm just trying to be careful."
"Did you see anything?" he asked.
"Sandworm tunnels," Clandestine said. "Or that's what it looks like."

and then the story just picks up from there. I might be getting less worldbuilding, but I’m personally happy to work with just ‘sandworms are sandworms’ before I watch them in action.

Overall

This looks like the start of an interesting action sequence. I’m eager to see how Clandestine is going to try and ‘win’ the fight and if James is going to end up revealing that he’s not an ordinary cowboy in the course of escaping the sandworms.

Hope this helps and let me know if you’d like more feedback! (or if you preferred my old review format haha)
-Lim




soundofmind says...


I did worry that the sequence building up to the sandworms was a little too long, so it's good to hear feedback! I'll look at going back and trimming stuff later when I have fresher eyes, I think. :^)

Also I'm glad you're enjoying the bits of humor in-between stuff hehe. :^)

GLAD UR STILL READING AND THANK U sO SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO MUCH FOR FEEDbACK AND STUFF I love all of it xoxo



User avatar
147 Reviews


Points: 10085
Reviews: 147

Donate
Fri Dec 09, 2022 6:26 pm
View Likes
Carina says...



plot twist matt is wormboy and a cowboy




soundofmind says...


wormboy: a boy who cares after worms




something I have been thinking about ever since I saw the Super Mario Bros movie is how once I took a "what Nintendo character are you" quiz and I got Waluigi.
— Elinor