Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

LMS VI: Silver and Silk 0.5

by Omni


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

The buffet of wind against his ears were only lessened by the occasional whip of water rushing by him and around him. He couldn't tell what was around him, or whether or not he falling feet first or head first. The only thing he knew was that he was no longer holding onto Railyn, which meant the boy was free falling somewhere around him but unconscious. Ryun was afraid to flail around him in hopes of finding Railyn, because he didn't want to accidentally crush his hand against something much harder than Railyn, like rock. A flash of light revealed Railyn who was right outside of his reach; it looked like he had started falling just a moment before Ryun did.

"Railyn!" he shouted. The water and the walls somewhere around him absorbed his words and sent them spiraling into the descent alongside them, vanishing underneath the roar of wind and wet. Did Railyn even hear him? Did Railyn even...

No, he refused to think anything more. Instead, he tried again. "Railyn, wake up!"

He heard a groan in the midst of the roar of them falling. He was alive!

"Railyn, wake u--"

His words were cut off as he submerged completely underwater, the shock of the initial impact ringing his ears. Instinctively, he held his breath and immediately started flailing, trying to get back above water. Thankfully, he, like all babes of his home town, had learned to hold his breath underwater. As a port town, it was necessary.

He surfaced above the water, gasping for air. "Railyn!" He struggled out. He didn't know if that instinct to hold your breath still happened if someone was unconscious when they went under. He searched around wildly, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but it was useless; there just wasn't any light. Thankfully, he didn't need sight to hear Railyn struggling for air not far from him. He swam over to the source of the noise. "Railyn!" He shouted. But, as soon as the word escaped his lips, he was sucked back under the water as the current quickened, like it was tugging at him. He could tell he was moving much faster now, no longer falling but instead being led down some kind of water current. All of his focus now was on trying to keep his head above the water just long enough to gasp enough air into his body before he was taken back under.

His feet drug along the rocky floor and he flipped around, his head diving deep into the water. He closed his eys, squinting hard as his skull knocked against the rocks. The black in his vision swirled with white as he struggled to keep himself awake and his breath held as his head screamed from the impact. He no longer knew which way was up nor where the air he so desperately needed was. His one focus was keeping his mouth shut and his breath in his lungs.

Thankfully, he didn't have long to struggle, as the current slowed and the water deepened. He could see a faint blue light in a direction and swam to it. Bursting out, he gasped in breaths as his body was led down a river bathed in moonlight, with the pitter-patter of slight rain greeting him and the water around him. Railyn erupted out of the water moments after him, coughing out the liquid in his lungs as his head rolled around on his shoulders. Before Railyn could pass out once more, Ryun hooked an arm around him to keep them both above the water. Ryun glanced around, trying to make out his surroundings. While the moonlight peered through the black stormclouds to shine down on the small river they found themselves in, it did little to light up anything else.

---

However, it was just enough for Ryun to see the edge where the land met the water. Using his free hand, he paddled his way to the rocky shore and dumped Railyn onto it first before he crawled onto it first. The rocks on the shore were much smaller and less jagged, and almost a joy to be on, like the straw and down bed as compared to the wooden floor he would fall asleep on next to the fireplace on cold winter nights.

After a moment of catching his breath, Ryun wearily turned to Railyn. "Rai." He muttered out. "Railyn." A long moment before thickened the air before Railyn choked out one last trickle of water before he wheezed in a breath. He rolled onto his side, coughing out the last remnants of the water. Railyn's sleeve up to his shoulder was singed off, and there was a darkened handprint in its place.

"Ryun?" Railyn squeaked out between huge drinks of air. "What happened?"

What did happen? Ryun didn't know. All he knew was that they were now outside. The beginning of soft pattering that both shocked and caressed his cheeks. And he let that happen for a while. Just him laying there on the small rocks, allowing the rain to patter on his skin, pooling into larger droplets and then trickling away, onto and through the cracks of the rocks.

"Ryun?" Railyn said again, this time in a lower pitch. This caused him to open his eyes, wearily shielding his face from the light rain so it wouldn't get into his eyes. He looked over to Railyn. "Where are we?" Railyn asked Ryun when he saw he was looking at him.

"Somewhere near the coast." Ryun said, his voice weak, feeling like it hadn't been used for too long. He wanted to say more, like he knew it was somewhere close to the mines and mountain they were just in, down-current or something like that. Maybe they were even close to their home. But he was too exhausted to say anything more. He had just hoped that this information was conveyed to Railyn somehow, maybe from the details on his face that were highlighted from the moonlight.

"Is that our village?" Railyn asked, which prompted Ryun to sit up, glancing in the direction Railyn was looking.

There were several flickering red lights, dancing in the distance and struggling against the rain's attempts to douse them out.

"Maybe its our parents?"

The dancing lights gradually got larger, the dance of the flames wider.

Ryun stood up, struggling not to slip on the wet stone underneath his feet.

Shouts cut through the sounds of the wind and rain, then a splitting boom overpowered them all. It sounded much like a goat horn, something Ryun would hear in the mornings to signal the mass movement of the herds of sheep and cows. But this was deeper, more insidious, more menacing.

The feeling in his stomach returned, the one that that caused him to flee into the mines.

The intense sensation to run. 

┗━━✦❘༻༺❘✦━━┛

AN: Thank you for reading this chapter part! I know that this prologue is dragging along a bit, I believe the next part will be the last one. Also, I have been debating making Ryun and Railyn teenagers for the prologue. So, while I will not be going back and editing them, I am retconning them as teenagers from this point forward. Thanks! ^^


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Sat Dec 17, 2022 12:47 am
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SilverNight wrote a review...



Hey Omni! <3 Although my last review was on 0.3, I decided to move forward to review this one instead because 0.4 already had two reviews, and I'm trying to get some works out of the Green Room. I did read 0.4 and I enjoyed it, though!

So let's get into it! I've missed these two XD

The buffet of wind against his ears were only lessened by the occasional whip of water rushing by him and around him. He couldn't tell what was around him, or whether or not he falling feet first or head first.


I did just come from the last chapter, so I'm not confused by who you mean by "he", but someone else might be, so it would probably be good to mention Ryun's name again at the very start of this chapter since it can take a little adjusting when getting back into something. Also, I know you aren't looking for grammar stuff quite as much, but since I did quote this section, there's a missing "was" before "falling". I'll try to stop doing that now XD

His words were cut off as he submerged completely underwater, the shock of the initial impact ringing his ears. Instinctively, he held his breath and immediately started flailing, trying to get back above water. Thankfully, he, like all babes of his home town, had learned to hold his breath underwater. As a port town, it was necessary.


Okay, so you said they were free-falling, right? If this happened, without anything slowing Ryun and Railyn down (such as friction with the side of something like a wall, or bumping off of things in mini-falls, both of which would still injure them), landing in the water would be about the same as landing on solid concrete. They'd be going very fast, especially if they've been falling for enough time (I imagine a few seconds) for Ryun to shout a few times, during which they'd be accelerating, so this fall would not go well at all for either of them.

I understand you probably don't want them getting injured at this point of the prologue, because that can be a little inconvenient in the middle of writing action, but for the sake of realism, they're almost certainly going to get scraped up if they find a way to slow down their fall or break some bones at best if they don't. Just thought I'd bring that to your attention, since it seems intuitive that falling into water would break a fall!

Another thing from here is that their hometown being a port town wasn't mentioned earlier, and it's now a bit out of place with what I do know about the town. I knew it has fields for farming, and that there are mines/mountains nearby for the residents to work in, which made me think it was 1) probably inland, with maybe a river 2) rather isolated, with only other similar farming towns of the same size for company. So learning that it's a port town on top of all that, with a different geography than I envisioned, and most likely has trading interactions with other port towns is making me revise everything I knew about this place XD generally, that kind of surprise this far in is unpleasant to the reader, because it betrays the original perception of something and it's hard to reconstruct an idea that's already formed, so this might be worth mentioning earlier on ^^

He didn't know if that instinct to hold your breath still happened if someone was unconscious when they went under.


Since you did establish that Ryun knows some stuff about holding one’s breath and such, it feels like he’d have some idea of this too.

The black in his vision swirled with white as he struggled to keep himself awake and his breath held as his head screamed from the impact.


Ooh I like the imagery of this line!

While the moonlight peered through the black stormclouds to shine down on the small river they found themselves in, it did little to light up anything else.

---

However, it was just enough for Ryun to see the edge where the land met the water.


I really don’t think the “timeskip” break is needed here, because there isn’t really any change in setting or topic between the two paragraphs. The “it” in the second paragraph refers to the moonlight in the first paragraph anyway, and it definitely wouldn’t make sense to introduce a break without restating what the “it” is about, because that would make us refer to before the break while you’re trying to get us to move on.

Railyn's sleeve up to his shoulder was singed off, and there was a darkened handprint in its place.


Oh now this is interestinggggg

"Is that our village?" Railyn asked, which prompted Ryun to sit up, glancing in the direction Railyn was looking.

There were several flickering red lights, dancing in the distance and struggling against the rain's attempts to douse them out.

"Maybe it’s our parents?"


Poor baby Railyn those are NOT your parents :(((((((

The feeling in his stomach returned, the one that that caused him to flee into the mines.

The intense sensation to run.


Ooooooh ending with DRAMA. It should be “that had caused him” and the typo distracted me from the impact of the line somewhat, but it was a good ending choice!

Great job Omni! Thank you for the chapter and good luck with LMS <3

-silv c:




Omni says...


Hiiii ty for the review!! So both you and winter talked about that line break -- that was actually just a line break from writing that I totally forgor to remove x.x i shall have more thoughts later though!!



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Tue Nov 29, 2022 3:46 am
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winterwolf0100 wrote a review...



Hey Omniiiiii!!!!!

I'M BACKKKKKKKKKKKK.

Let's get right into it! So I know you don't want grammatical things-- but I cannot stop myself because it's in the first sentence. Since it's a "buffet of wind", it would be "was", not "were." OKAY I won't say anything else about grammar. Maybe. MOVING ON.

As far as flow, you use the word "around" in the first sentence and immediately afterwards in the second sentence. If there were some sort of synonym, that would help the flow better I think. I love the image of him not being able to tell if he's falling feet first or head first! I wonder if you could play a bit with showing that versus just telling it. It's such a unique image that I'm not sure I've actually ever read before, and I think it would really stand out as imagery!

You repeat Railyn's name three times in two sentences. I wonder if there's a way you think you could get rid of one or two of those?

Where did the flash of light come from? I'd love to know, even if it's something as minor as a crack in the wall, or perhaps the lantern that they had.

I think in general, showing and not telling is something that you could work on. You're fantastic at setting up the details and plot of a scene, and your characterization is always on point. There are some times when I think you could use some cool imagery though and you don't. For example, instead of "Railyn who was right outside of his reach", you could write, "A flash of light, and he saw Railyn, freefalling just beyond his reach." Trying to switch away from 'be' verbs (is, was, are, were, be, being, been) can really help to strengthen a piece and make it feel like you're showing more and not telling. You don't even have to include many adjectives to do that! Something small to keep in mind while you're writing if you want ^^

Adding onto this point, the very next sentence is also a place where you could show how Railyn got to that conclusion, rather than just stating that he got there.

It looked like he had started falling just a moment before Ryun did.


This could be changed to say something like "Railyn plummeted several feet below him, and Ryun wondered if the ground had given out under Railyn before him." (This is a bad example, and you would be able to work it better, but hopefully you understand what I mean?)

The water and the walls somewhere around him absorbed his words and sent them spiraling into the descent alongside them


THIS IMAGERY. AHH. Nothing to say about it except VERY NICE. I especially love the use of spiraling here, it's so powerful and really paints a picture!

Did Railyn even hear him? Did Railyn even...


Love the suspension in this! Could be changed to something like "Did Railyn even hear him? Could Railyn even..." to further hint at what you're implying if you wanted.

No, he refused to think anything more. Instead, he tried again.


Another instance where you're leaning heavily on telling instead of showing. I don't think the second sentence is actually needed, and most of the first sentence could be cut or rephrased to feel more like internal dialogue, such as "No. No, he refused to think about that." and then going straight into him trying again, rather than stating that he tried again.

Yayyyyyy Railyn's okayyyyyyy!

His words were cut off as he submerged completely underwater


This is an interesting choice of verb. I think something like "crash" would feel more action-oriented in this case.

He searched around wildly, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but it was useless; there just wasn't any light.


Not a huge fan of semicolons but I LOVE the use of this one. (Though I do wonder how there was light only a few yards above this spot but there is no longer any light at all? Could be because of the water or falling debris though)

Thankfully, he didn't have long to struggle


You used 'thankfully' a few sentences ago so I think it could be taken out here.

Side note, but I do appreciate the consistency of Ryun's characterization throughout this whole part! Through the whole story, he's been very focused on Railyn, and even when he's falling to what might be his death (and then nearly drowning), he's still focused on Railyn. It's very on point.

I don't think the little "---" is needed for the skip since they lead into each other pretty neatly.

Hmm... how does Ryun know that they're somewhere near the coast? It feels plot-convenient when you don't provide an explanation, though I'm sure you have one that I'm just not thinking of. Food for thought, I suppose.

Question: since they have been changed to teenagers, do you think Ryun told Railyn that he was scared something happened to their parents, and that's why they ran? Or does Railyn not realize that? In that case, what do you think prompts Railyn to think that those lights are their parents? I think it would be more realistic and in character for Railyn to be upset and say that he wants his parents. When we're in fight or flight mode, a lot of adolescents don't have emotional stability, and if they were nearly drowned, many would be sobbing. It would make perfect sense for Railyn to say he wanted his parents, and I think it would be a touching and interesting moment for you to play with of Ryun having to comfort Railyn or try to explain (while feeling guilty) why that wasn't an option right then. Again, food for thought.

The intense sensation to run.


OOHHHHH LOVE THAT. SO GOOD. Such a great sentence, it really packs a punch, amazinggggggg. In love with that legitimately.

Okayyyyy sorry it took so long for me to get back at these! >.< School's been hectic. This is really great though, and I think that while this post is short, it definitely puts in a lot of information! Overall for the flow, you did really good! The only thing I'd say is a bit more imagery. Tying in some adjectives and fun descriptions every once in awhile draws the brain back in and really sparks images in the reader's minds. If you can figure out how to wield that like a weapon, you'll hold any reader captive easily. You're such a great writer, and I'm so excited to see what happens with Ryun and Railyn next!

Goodbye for now!




Omni says...


Winter <3 thank you for reviewing! I don't have much to say in response other than thank you!! Your observations on areas lacking in imagery or description will be something I plan on looking into when I revise the prologue ^^ I am most looking forward to your thoughts on the next chapter part >.> things are finally happeningnnnngnngngngngnngg

also, gasp, you don't like semicolons? how dare





Of course! Also I do like semicolons on the rare occasion, I just have very strong feelings about them XD they feel impersonal in a lot of places. But my pointttt was you used it great




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