Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy well this prologue is heating up quite quickly here and I love the way the growing tension manages to really highlight just how different these two are and the kind of care Ryun seems to have for Railyn. The little ticking time bomb of this knowledge that's being kept from Railyn is also quite the moment.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It took them what felt like forever, but they had finally reached the first miner's outpost. This was the last point of safety within the mines from what Ryun's father told him. After that, most definitely no children were allowed within the mines. As Ryun set down his lantern, Railyn popped up next to him.

"Whatcha looking for?"

Well this seems to be heading a little deeper than a little game of hide and seek strictly requires. I suppose that's to escape from the situation earlier but I can't help but wonder if wandering down in here is going to end up causing more trouble than good ultimately.

"I'm... not sure." Ryun said truthfully. He scanned the leather map sprawled out on the table. It was a rough drawing of the caves and tunnels they had just gone through. There was a circle surrounding what was probably the entrance. If there was no other option, Ryun had a fairly good memory and could retrace their steps leading back to the entrance. That would defeat the reason he wanted them to go into the mines in the first place. He traced a finger from the entrance to where they were on the map. A square. That was most likely the outpost they were at. There were scribbles next to it, but Ryun had not learned how to read yet; it was not on the top of his learning to-do list. He'd much rather learn how to spar with a sword with his father than sit with Elder Graykon and scribble the same boring letters for hours on end. The last time he did that, he didn't know who fell asleep first, him or the elder. He didn't need to learn words to understand his role in the town and the world around him.

Well, learning words would help on this map. Oh well.

Well...that's a fun moment. Never would have thought of that ending up as an obstacle but I love that detail there. I think that ends up lining up quite well with this situation just to make thing just a little more dangerous.

"Looking for hiding spots. That's cheating." Railyn piped up.

Ryun couldn't help but hide a small smile when he glared at him. "I am looking for a place to hide from your face."

"That's cheating and rude!" Railyn complained as he went over to another table and inspected the variety of tools that were laid on there. Ryun didn't have to be Railyn's best friend to know that he was itching to start playing hide and seek, but he was trying his very best to be patient and let Ryun do what he needed to do. While Ryun's heart wasn't in the game as much as Railyn's, he would try his best to oblige the younger boy. So, he put his attention back on the map.

That's a nice little spat there too. Their personalities really are emerging quite powerfully here amidst everything. There's something about seeing these interactions also knowing sort of what's happening behind the scenes that really does tend to heighten the situation quite nicely.

Past the square that was most likely where they were at the moment were several smaller, squiggly tunnels that led to nowhere. While those would be good hiding spots, they were not exits. There were two squiggly lines, larger than the others, that looked like some kind of corridor or path that led to another square. The map, unfortunately, ended there. If Ryun wanted to find another exit, he would have to go further into the mines. While, yes, it was his idea to go into the mines in the first place, his mind was not exactly happy with the prospect of going even deeper into the mines for the hope of another exit. The incident that happened last year was still fresh on the back of his mind.

He sighed and grabbed the small pins on each corner of the map and tugged them out of the wood. Rolling up the thin leather, he stowed the map within his belt.

Well there goes our confirmation that just maybe going deeper into these mines isn't necessarily going to end up going too terribly well here. Given that there is really quite a lot to happen yet in this prologue I'm getting a little paranoid in that direction too.

"Look, a better knife. This one might actually cut something." Ryun stared at Railyn, waiting for the joke he most definitely had not heard a thousand times before, but Railyn didn't say it. He did, instead, smile knowingly, which made Ryun roll his eyes as he snatched the knife from Railyn. "You're welcome." Railyn said teasingly.

Well that's a nice little moment there too although once again I think the weight of everything around them lends a bit of an extra filter of sorts on top of this situation and honestly I'm loving it.

The tunnel curved to the right and widened out right after. Ryun's pace quickened and not long after they reached what seemed to be another outpost. Ryun let out a sigh of relief and the knots on the back of his neck lessened as he was able to relax just slightly. He immediately walked up to the largest of the tables in the room, setting his lantern on a corner of the table closest to him while Railyn meandered around to the side, looking around at all the equipment. Ryun kept a watch on Railyn through the corner of his eye while he examined the new map. This outpost was certainly larger than the last outpost, and glancing at the markings on the map, it seemed like this was the latest outpost before the mining was stopped.

"Whoa, Ryun, look at this." Railyn said.

Ryun raised a brow as he glanced up. Railyn heaved up a large metal object, and the sound of chains clanked on the rocky ground. It looked like a large metal web, and there was still quite a bit more on the table that Railyn took it from. "Spiky." Railyn observed.

OKayy deeper and deeper we go into the mines. It looks like at this rate hide and seek is going to end up pretty much completely forgotten or at the very least by the time it happens something is going to end up happening before it can really end up getting underway.

Ryun nodded. Part of him wanted to make a joke, but a larger part was far too focused on finding a better way out for them. He focused his attention back on the map. Judging where they were, there seemed to be a few large tunnels. One looked like a dead end. Two others had different shapes at the end of them.

Railyn sighed and dropped the metal thing back on the table. Finally, he glared at Ryun. "Can we play hide and seek now?"

Ryun was far too absorbed in trying to figure out what the map was telling him to fully understand what Railyn had said, so he just nodded absentmindedly. Railyn grinned from ear to ear. "Okay, you're hiding first then!" He raced to a corner of the room and started counting to himself.

Well I did not see that one coming there. Hopefully Ryun doesn't end up taking too long to realize that hide and seek is happening or something potentially even worse is going to happen if Railyn just ends up running off like that.

Ryun, meanwhile, was completely and utterly absorbed in the map, tracing the writing underneath the symbols on the map. One symbol, at the end of a smaller tunnel on the right-side of the map, was in a dark red and had a lot of writing underneath it. Ryun tried understanding anything it was saying, but with no success.

"Ryun." Railyn groaned as he walked up to him.

Ryun didn't acknowledge him.

"Ryun!" Railyn shouted, his annoyed voice reverberating around the cavern. Ryun finally glanced up, confused. Railyn answered that confusion with crossing his arms. "You were supposed to hide!"

Well, I suppose worse things could have happened there. A lovely little interaction between the two at any rate, so I'm definitely not going to be complaining here. Hopefully this is going to discourage running further into the tunnels for a little while longer.

"Sorry, Railyn, I was just looking at this map." Ryun placed the first map on the table, replacing it with the new map in his belt. "Tell you what, you go hide now. Don't venture too far into the cave tunnels, okay? Keep your light with you."

"You'll find me right away with my light, though!"

"And you'll get lost if you don't have it." Ryun shooed him, and Railyn grumbled but skipped away with some fashion of excitement still within him.

Ryun counted down from ten. Nine.

Welp never mind there they go immediately into the tunnels there, that was ironic but I suppose that was probably what Ryun immediately thought would be the safer option here given that Railyn is currently only hindering the progress of finding a way out of this place safely.

What if he was making it up? What if he was just seeing things? They would get in so much trouble for being in the mines.

One.

Either way, he would have to get them out of there.

Ryun grabbed hold of his lantern and started down one of the tunnels, not knowing what he would find down there.

Ahhh well this is a lovely place to cut this off here. Nice little cliffhanger although I suppose in the actual prologue it won't quite come across this way. This is a nice little congregation of just all the reasons to be worried here with the promise of more reasons to come.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I like the direction this is going on here. I'm honestly at this point just curious why something so exciting has ended up being relegated to just the prologue but I suppose its because of the main characters not really being this age in the actual plot. Well until next time

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey Omni! <3 I realized it's been a bit since I last reviewed so I needed to get back to that XD points must be acquired for LMS, since I have found myself accidentally speeding back up again >.>

He scanned the leather map sprawled out on the table. It was a rough drawing of the caves and tunnels they had just gone through. There was a circle surrounding what was probably the entrance. If there was no other option, Ryun had a fairly good memory and could retrace their steps leading back to the entrance. That would defeat the reason he wanted them to go into the mines in the first place. He traced a finger from the entrance to where they were on the map. A square. That was most likely the outpost they were at. There were scribbles next to it, but Ryun had not learned how to read yet; it was not on the top of his learning to-do list. He'd much rather learn how to spar with a sword with his father than sit with Elder Graykon and scribble the same boring letters for hours on end. The last time he did that, he didn't know who fell asleep first, him or the elder. He didn't need to learn words to understand his role in the town and the world around him.

Well, learning words would help on this map. Oh well.

Ryun: I don't need to learn words!!
Ryun, staring at a map with (*gasp*) words on it: okay, maybe I do

I liked the attitude in these paragraphs. It shows Ryun's character and it was a fun story to have about him. I was a little surprised by the mention of the table and the map without a description of the outpost first, because I had to wonder first where it was coming from, then if I'd missed it before. I get that LMS is rushed, though, and it was probably just something overlooked in the moment, so that just might be a good edit to make ;-;

Ryun didn't have to be Railyn's best friend to know that he was itching to start playing hide and seek, but he was trying his very best to be patient and let Ryun do what he needed to do.

Awwww this is cute. It feels slightly strange to me though because Railyn does think Ryun's trying to find the best hiding spots, so it's like he's fine with that? If there was some indication that Railyn did think there might be another reason, the reaction would make a little more sense. It's still very nice though, I approve of giving Ryun the space to think XD

Past the square that was most likely where they were at the moment were several smaller, squiggly tunnels that led to nowhere. While those would be good hiding spots, they were not exits. There were two squiggly lines, larger than the others, that looked like some kind of corridor or path that led to another square. The map, unfortunately, ended there. If Ryun wanted to find another exit, he would have to go further into the mines. While, yes, it was his idea to go into the mines in the first place, his mind was not exactly happy with the prospect of going even deeper into the mines for the hope of another exit.

I'm a little confused about how the map seems to end rather nearby. Have the miners of this town not gone very far into the tunnels? It feels like the map should be more extensive, unless my sense of scale is off, but I think they also haven't gone very far in at this point. (This comment does not apply if there's some magical or other danger further in that keeps miners from going that deep and would explain the lack of cartography that far XD)

The incident that happened last year was still fresh on the back of his mind.

I hope to be hearing more about this :eyes:

Hey, Ryun." Railyn said.

"Yeah?"

"Look, a better knife. This one might actually cut something."

OOF RAILYN, you seem mad that your carving toy didn't get done in time XD

"Whoa, Ryun, look at this." Railyn said.

Ryun raised a brow as he glanced up. Railyn heaved up a large metal object, and the sound of chains clanked on the rocky ground. It looked like a large metal web, and there was still quite a bit more on the table that Railyn took it from. "Spiky." Railyn observed.

Maybe it's because I can't really visualize the item fully, but I'm not sure what about it could get Railyn to say "spiky"? Webs and chains aren't really spiky things, so I don't know where the spikes are on this item. I'm probably not supposed to be able to tell what exactly it is, since I can't think of anything like it (except maybe a net made out of chains for a trap), but Railyn's comment doesn't quite make sense from what we do know about it.

"Oh. Well, uh, you found me." Ryun mumbled.

This line is hilarious. Poor Ryun, I think he's losing at this game of hide and seek >.>

Ryun counted down from ten.

This struck me as a pretty short time to count, but it makes sense in the context of Ryun not really playing the game and so not caring to take it seriously.

The weaving in of Ryun's thought during the countdown was cool! It's a good way of showing how fast he's thinking and it holds detail about what's on his mind, because it definitely tells me that he's stressed right now.

Ryun grabbed hold of his lantern and started down one of the tunnels, not knowing what he would find down there.

Oh dear, I hope it's the right one o.o

Overall, I liked this chapter! I'm seeing more of the two's personalities, and I'm looking forward to the upcoming action soon. I know it was mostly for transition, but I like that you decided to focus on these moments in the story instead of skipping past them, because I think they matter to the characters. I'm excited for what's next!

Best of luck of LMS! You've got this, keep writing <3

- silver c:

Heyyyy Omniiiii!!

Back for another review. I'm extremely tired right now but too hyped to go to sleep so let's hope this is at least semi-coherent yeet.

Okay first off-- I know this was a last minute writing LMS for you XD. So it's understandable you didn't have time to reread everything a ton or let it simmer for a while. That saidddddd, the wording in the first paragraph is a little clunky. The flow just feels slightly off. No biggie though, moving on.

Oohhhhhh lore being dropped! I am very intrigued about this information that Ryun's dad gave him. I'd love to learn more or have it expanded on at some point. Right now, it feels a bit like it's just there to help out the plot, instead of like it already existed and then you incorporated it into the plot (not sure if that difference makes sense, but hopefully I am communicating it properly.) Even if you made up the lore on the spot for this (which is completely understandable), I would love to see a bit more exploration into the specific details of what Ryun's father told him. Even a small flashback to cover some of that lore in dialogue would make it feel a lot more intriguing to learn the lore, rather than plot-convenient.

Railyn popped up next to him.

For one, this reads as a very little kid thing to do and I love it. Second, I read that as pooped at first. Continuing onward--

He scanned the leather map sprawled out on the table.

What table? You mentioned they're in a miner's outpost but you don't describe what that means or entails, so I did not realize there was a table until you said "the table". Maybe setting the scene a bit in the first paragraph would help with this? It kind of took me out of the moment because I was like "a table?"

I am sad that Ryun cannot read obviously, but I do love that character detail that you included. It really paints a large part of a picture about him and lets us infer a lot of stuff on his life.

"Looking for hiding spots. That's cheating." Railyn piped up.

Railyn is baby. I would die for him. That is all. Moving on.

This dialogue sequence feels slightly forced. Now, we both know I am all for a "your face joke"-- Railyn's response is just slightly weird for a child his age. Also, Ryun holding back a smile while glaring is something that just isn't combining in my head because I don't usually associate glaring with any type of smiling, and it usually holds some kind of anger behind it. That may just be me though.

Ryun didn't have to be Railyn's best friend to know that he was itching to start playing hide and seek, but he was trying his very best to be patient and let Ryun do what he needed to do.

RAILYN IS BABY. I WOULD DIE FOR HIM. THAT IS ALL. MOVING ON.

While Ryun's heart wasn't in the game as much as Railyn's, he would try his best to oblige the younger boy.

I thought they came in here to hide from people Ryun thought were following them. Is his heart really in the game at all? I thought the hide and seek was a ruse to get Railyn to follow without panicking, and if they're being followed, I'm wondering why Ryun would think it was smart for them to split up to play a game of hide and seek. It seems slightly out of character since he's been very thoughtful before.

This next paragraph includes the word "mines" a lot in several sentences. It kind of took me out of the flow honestly.

"Look, a better knife. This one might actually cut something." Ryun stared at Railyn, waiting for the joke he most definitely had not heard a thousand times before, but Railyn didn't say it. He did, instead, smile knowingly, which made Ryun roll his eyes as he snatched the knife from Railyn. "You're welcome." Railyn said teasingly.

Maybe I'm just tired, but I cannot figure out what joke Ryun is referring to here at all, and it is very much confusing me. XD

Ryun's concern for Railyn after Ryun slips and Railyn gets really scared is very sweet. It made me smile. :]

Is Ryun not concerned about a young child like Railyn swinging a spiked weapon around? XD That seems slightly out of character since he's seemed concerned about Railyn's safety in the past.

AGH RAILYN NOOOOOOOOOO. Oh wait thank God, I thought Railyn said it was his turn to hide and had just... run off into the mines. Crisis averted.

"Oh. Well, uh, you found me." Ryun mumbled.

This is hilarious. Nothing else to say other than I cackled at this.

Ryun didn't have to pay complete attention to tell he was hurt.

This feels very much like a moment that could benefit from "show, don't tell". I'd love to hear in his voice how he's hurt, not necessarily just learn that Ryun has perceived him to be hurt.

AGHHHH CRISIS NOT AVERTED RYUN WHY ARE YOU LETTING A SMALL CHILD JUST RUN AWAY FROM YOU LIKE THAT.

This chapter did NOT leave me in a peaceful state of mind and I entirely blame you Omni. >:[

So overall, this chapter was definitely a filler, but there's really nothing wrong with that. Fillers are really useful in establishing characters and their key differences. I'd love to see you play with that a bit more in the future for any other filler chapters that happen. Maybe a flashback here or there to establish worldbuilding rather than just stating it, or when someone is hungry, they describe their favorite food that they're longing for and what memories are associated with it. The characterization in this chapter did feel slightly off in comparison to the past chapters, especially with Ryun taking some real risks with Railyn's safety for seemingly no reason when he was so determined to get them away from danger before. That may be him just being a small kid though, or maybe I just don't know him enough yet. After all, he is your character. Maybe he was acting out of character in the first few posts, and this is how he really acts.

Either way, I'm super duper excited for this (and just a little bit upset that now I have to wait an entire week to read any more.) I really doubt that anything I wrote in here will help, but I always find it useful just to hear people's reactions to different things and thoughts, and I know you said you preferred notes on the flow and characterization rather than grammar, so I am hoping you can draw some sort of use from any of this. If not, well, it was fun to read. XD

Amazing work, and, once again, I'm super excited to read more!

~Winter