Young Writers Society



LMS VI: Silver and Silk 0.1

by Omni


Two childhood friends, blown away by the winds of war.

Separated by magic, status, and name,

Their paths may soon cross once more.

But, despite all their hopes, things will not be the same.

One, once adventurous and free,

was beaten by peers and mentors.

forced to watch the very life he would never see,

unless he chose to take it by force.

The other, once brave and loyal,

was left to die in the trenches.

He was surrounded by pain and a life of toil,

Determined to find his friend, no matter the chances.

As the winds whistle and beckon its deadly call,

The two find themselves with fate, intertwined.

May doom find us all.

┗━━✦❘༻༺❘✦━━┛

It was an evening like any other, that evening, besides the storm that had just rolled in. Storms like this one weren't uncommon by any means, but it did mean that Ryun and Railyn couldn't actually go outside to go play, unless they wanted to get chastised by their mothers for ruining their clothes with mud and grime and water. It would take weeks to get the stains out of their trousers, their mothers would say, and you would get yourself hurt running in the mud like that, they would say. It wasn't their mothers that stopped them from playing outside, of course, but the sound of the first crack of thunder that ushered them inside.

And so Ryun and Railyn were stuck inside the former's house, Railyn playing with a wooden top absentmindedly while Ryun used his not-very-sharp knife to whittle away at a small figurine. Railyn sighed as the top sputtered out and skipped across the wooden floor to flop next to the fireplace. He scrambled to a sitting position and peered over at Ryun's task, who noticed him out of the corner of his eyes and covered the project up with his hands, holding it close to his chest. "No peeking." Ryun chastised mockingly, his voice cracking with the signs of the boy dipping his toes into manhood.

"Oh, come on, Ryun. I'm bored and you're just sitting there not actually playing with me." Railyn hmphed and crossed his arms, plastering a huge frown onto his tiny face.

"I wanted to make you something, just didn't think it would take this long." Ryun inspected his shoddy knife. "If only I had something better."

"Yeah, if only you didn't almost cut off your finger."

"Hey!" Ryun brandished his knife in a mock-threatening manner. "Who's going to lose a finger, now?"

"Oh, you're on!" Railyn scrambled to his feet and grabbed a wooden staff with one end covered with voloor wool. Ryun got to his feet, grabbing a down pillow from the bedside.

"En garde!" Ryun shouted, something he had heard from the actual sparring sessions he watched his father do. He widened his stance, something he mimicked from actual fighters from his village, and held his pillow with both hands to one side, ready to strike.

Railyn squinted threateningly. He hopped, spreading his legs out so far that he almost lost his balance, and held the club out as far as his small arms could handle. The club wavered.

Railyn surged forward first, but Ryun was too quick for the younger boy, and the down pillow crashed swiftly upon his shoulder. He yelped, and the club fell from where Railyn aimed, smacking Ryun on his thigh instead of his annoying head (not that he would have reached Ryun's head anyway, but it was the thought the counted for Railyn). Ryun gasped --mostly for effect-- and toppled to the ground. Railyn chirped in triumph and flopped onto Ryun's back with full force, completing ditching his weapon of choice for a more brutal, hands-on approach.

Ryun attempted to hit Railyn with the pillow again, but the smaller boy dodged and used his own falling momentum to toss them both to the ground. Railyn toppled over Ryun and yanked the pillow from his hands. Ryun barely managed to cover his face to avoid the onslaught of fluffy attacks from the pillow and the other boy.

Railyn took this moment to guffaw at the obviously weaker opponent in between his feathery strikes. Ryun took that moment to yank the pillow out of Railyn's hand and he tossed it onto his bed before swiftly going in for the one attack he knew would turn the tides of battle into his favor: the tickle.

Ryun jabbed Railyn's armpits, a dual strike that brought the boy to his knees as he crumpled and fell to the side, a deep chuckle rumbling within him and begging to be let loose, much to Railyn's dismay and Ryun's joy.

Ryun obliged the laugh and wrapped one arm around Railyn, trapping him as his other arm went in for the kill, tickling the boy. Railyn's laughs started swiftly, filling the cabin with light-hearted joy as he struggled to free himself from the older boy's grasp. He could barely get a breath in, let alone a word as he wanted to curse out Ryun in any way he could think of --which, admittedly, was not a lot-- and, at the same time, beg him to let Railyn go.

Finally, for what seemed like forever, Railyn gasped out a "Stop! Stop!" and Ryun obliged, just only after one excruciatingly long moment of a continuous tickle. After that, though, Ryun released Railyn and allowed the boy to regain his breath and his dignity. Railyn stared daggers at his older friend and punched him in the shoulder. "I told you, tickling's off limits." He seethed.

Ryun returned his glare for a moment, and they both burst out in laughter.

A flash of blinding lightning flooded the windows, followed by a booming thunder that rattled the glass panes. Railyn involuntarily shuddered. The young boy still had not completely gotten over his fear of the loud storms. Ryun couldn't blame him.

A strange, hollow yet deep kind of whistling followed the void after the thunder, and it set the hairs on the back of both the boy's necks on edge. Railyn turned to Ryun with a questioning look, but Ryun's attention was outside. Something was off. There was something... wrong with the sound of the rain on the roof.

Ryun stood up and unlatched the door, forcing it open against the strong winds of the storm. As he stepped outside, sheltering his face against the prickling of the rain, he heard a sound he would never forget.

A deep, rumbling horn bellowed from the darkness, followed by another, and another. It sounded similar to the goat horns of his village, but darker and louder, carrying itself through even the sounds of the storm.

Something deep inside Ryun begged him to run immediately, but instead he stepped back inside and latched the door shut, checking on Railyn as he turned his back to the horns of war.

┗━━✦❘༻༺❘✦━━┛

Wordcount: 1147

AN: Thank you for reading my first entry to LMS! As a general rule of thumb for my works: I only briefly re-read my works and don't focus on grammar or spelling all that much. I am much more interested in your opinions on the flow of the work, or the flow of the action, dialogue, the feeling of the characters. I am not looking for technical reviews as much. Thank you! :D


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Fri Dec 09, 2022 8:33 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! I'm doing the rounds of the LMS works and this is my next victim :D

First Impression: Okayy, this is a pretty cool start. Did not disappoint. I think its a lovely place to start what I believe I remember you calling a prologue. Loved the characters so far. Their interactions are priceless and I already love them together although if I remember right getting attached to them interacting with each other is a bad idea going forward in this novel. There were a couple of places where the broke a bit for me though which is pretty all I could find as far as issues here are concerned.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was an evening like any other, that evening, besides the storm that had just rolled in. Storms like this one weren't uncommon by any means, but it did mean that Ryun and Railyn couldn't actually go outside to go play, unless they wanted to get chastised by their mothers for ruining their clothes with mud and grime and water. It would take weeks to get the stains out of their trousers, their mothers would say, and you would get yourself hurt running in the mud like that, they would say. It wasn't their mothers that stopped them from playing outside, of course, but the sound of the first crack of thunder that ushered them inside.


Well this is weirdly nostalgic xD. Quite the start there. Definitely establishes pretty quickly what sort of age they could be in this piece and also the kind of attitude they had. Its a good start here, although its a bit wordy somehow. I don't quite know why, but when I'm trying to read this I find myself a little out of breath in places which is a good sign something's just a little too long in some places. Could just be me but I thought I'd mention it because that does make the flow sound a bit clunkier than it actually is.

And so Ryun and Railyn were stuck inside the former's house, Railyn playing with a wooden top absentmindedly while Ryun used his not-very-sharp knife to whittle away at a small figurine. Railyn sighed as the top sputtered out and skipped across the wooden floor to flop next to the fireplace. He scrambled to a sitting position and peered over at Ryun's task, who noticed him out of the corner of his eyes and covered the project up with his hands, holding it close to his chest. "No peeking." Ryun chastised mockingly, his voice cracking with the signs of the boy dipping his toes into manhood.


Gotta love the irony of that childish denial while you say he's about to approach manhood there. Its a love introduction to the dynamic here I think. I'm gonna take a very wild guess and say these two are very important to the story *wink* and so this is lovely to see upfront.

"Oh, come on, Ryun. I'm bored and you're just sitting there not actually playing with me." Railyn hmphed and crossed his arms, plastering a huge frown onto his tiny face.

"I wanted to make you something, just didn't think it would take this long." Ryun inspected his shoddy knife. "If only I had something better."

"Yeah, if only you didn't almost cut off your finger."

"Hey!" Ryun brandished his knife in a mock-threatening manner. "Who's going to lose a finger, now?"

"Oh, you're on!" Railyn scrambled to his feet and grabbed a wooden staff with one end covered with voloor wool. Ryun got to his feet, grabbing a down pillow from the bedside.


Ahh, well this seems to be pretty much every friendship ever at this age, especially when we've got two boys involved and I love it. I think you're capturing that easy banter pretty well and I adore how easily it immediately turns into a full on fight scene.

"En garde!" Ryun shouted, something he had heard from the actual sparring sessions he watched his father do. He widened his stance, something he mimicked from actual fighters from his village, and held his pillow with both hands to one side, ready to strike.

Railyn squinted threateningly. He hopped, spreading his legs out so far that he almost lost his balance, and held the club out as far as his small arms could handle. The club wavered.

Railyn surged forward first, but Ryun was too quick for the younger boy, and the down pillow crashed swiftly upon his shoulder. He yelped, and the club fell from where Railyn aimed, smacking Ryun on his thigh instead of his annoying head (not that he would have reached Ryun's head anyway, but it was the thought the counted for Railyn). Ryun gasped --mostly for effect-- and toppled to the ground. Railyn chirped in triumph and flopped onto Ryun's back with full force, completing ditching his weapon of choice for a more brutal, hands-on approach.


Okay, I love this fight is presented here. I think it does a good job of sort of subtly telling us what sort of background the two of them come from because there's not so much the whole random yelling and screaming loudly while waving hands and more actual sort of fight moves they seem to have picked up from others. Its a pretty neat way of sort of showcasing a teeny, tiny bit of worldbuilding here. Either that or I'm overanalyzing which is incredibly likely.

Ryun jabbed Railyn's armpits, a dual strike that brought the boy to his knees as he crumpled and fell to the side, a deep chuckle rumbling within him and begging to be let loose, much to Railyn's dismay and Ryun's joy.

Ryun obliged the laugh and wrapped one arm around Railyn, trapping him as his other arm went in for the kill, tickling the boy. Railyn's laughs started swiftly, filling the cabin with light-hearted joy as he struggled to free himself from the older boy's grasp. He could barely get a breath in, let alone a word as he wanted to curse out Ryun in any way he could think of --which, admittedly, was not a lot-- and, at the same time, beg him to let Railyn go.

Finally, for what seemed like forever, Railyn gasped out a "Stop! Stop!" and Ryun obliged, just only after one excruciatingly long moment of a continuous tickle. After that, though, Ryun released Railyn and allowed the boy to regain his breath and his dignity. Railyn stared daggers at his older friend and punched him in the shoulder. "I told you, tickling's off limits." He seethed.


Okayy well, I kind of felt like that fight lasted a beat too long there. It went from, oh cute, they're about to fight, to damn these two really be fighting to oooh we've got a really, really good fight on our hands to the point where it was just like...okay that's a bit too much detail for a fight that's pretty much inconsequential. It could once again just be me, but I felt like the excitement gave away to just, oh please end already towards the last couple of paragraphs. Not to say the action itself was bad, I love the way you write this, it just lost the excitement after a bit because we don't really have stakes of any sort here to actually keep us entertained.

A flash of blinding lightning flooded the windows, followed by a booming thunder that rattled the glass panes. Railyn involuntarily shuddered. The young boy still had not completely gotten over his fear of the loud storms. Ryun couldn't blame him.

A strange, hollow yet deep kind of whistling followed the void after the thunder, and it set the hairs on the back of both the boy's necks on edge. Railyn turned to Ryun with a questioning look, but Ryun's attention was outside. Something was off. There was something... wrong with the sound of the rain on the roof.


Oooh, love the tension here. Its a classic to have the ol storm with the weird sounding wing but it never really gets old and it really seeps straight into your bones here. Let's see where this is going (Although given how close we're to the end I'm gonna assume I'll have to read more parts to figure that out.)

A deep, rumbling horn bellowed from the darkness, followed by another, and another. It sounded similar to the goat horns of his village, but darker and louder, carrying itself through even the sounds of the storm.

Something deep inside Ryun begged him to run immediately, but instead he stepped back inside and latched the door shut, checking on Railyn as he turned his back to the horns of war.


Lovely place to cut that off here. Now I'm going to have to try incredibly hard not to immediately read the next part xD which is always a good sign that you've nailed this part.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is a lovely start here. Really not much I can find wrong with this and that place you've cut this is off is just golden as far as getting us to read on is concerned.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Oct 16, 2022 11:39 pm
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SilverNight wrote a review...



Hey Omni! I have taken forever to get to reviewing your LMS stuff and I'm not sure when I'll do it for the second part of this (you may have to bully me into it if I keep forgetting), but I am loving this start ^^

It was an evening like any other, that evening, besides the storm that had just rolled in. Storms like this one weren't uncommon by any means, but it did mean that Ryun and Railyn couldn't actually go outside to go play, unless they wanted to get chastised by their mothers for ruining their clothes with mud and grime and water. It would take weeks to get the stains out of their trousers, their mothers would say, and you would get yourself hurt running in the mud like that, they would say. It wasn't their mothers that stopped them from playing outside, of course, but the sound of the first crack of thunder that ushered them inside.


I like how this first paragraph nicely and neatly presents some useful information. We know these two are kids, young enough that they still get supervision normally; we have the setting of this scene; we're getting the hint that something is going to happen even if the present moment isn't very eventful. I got a little confused over whether the kids were outside at one point because they were "ushered" inside, or whether they never were out there playing because they "couldn't actually go outside", which got a little contradictory-- but otherwise what's being told is clear and useful to someone just starting this story, and I think this is an effective hook!

And so Ryun and Railyn were stuck inside the former's house, Railyn playing with a wooden top absentmindedly while Ryun used his not-very-sharp knife to whittle away at a small figurine. Railyn sighed as the top sputtered out and skipped across the wooden floor to flop next to the fireplace. He scrambled to a sitting position and peered over at Ryun's task, who noticed him out of the corner of his eyes and covered the project up with his hands, holding it close to his chest. "No peeking." Ryun chastised mockingly, his voice cracking with the signs of the boy dipping his toes into manhood.


ahahaha I agree with Winter that "not-very-sharp knife" is great, it's definitely funnier than "dull" would be. I also like how each of them is doing something different here, it helps distinguish them!

It seems like Railyn might be a little too distracted from his top to have been playing it for a while, so how their conversation starts felt a little unnatural, because I'm kind of wondering why it took him that long to give up on it? Or maybe that's me because I never found tops entertaining as a toy XD

"Hey!" Ryun brandished his knife in a mock-threatening manner. "Who's going to lose a finger, now?"

"Oh, you're on!" Railyn scrambled to his feet and grabbed a wooden staff with one end covered with voloor wool. Ryun got to his feet, grabbing a down pillow from the bedside.


I think the word is velour but that's a tricky word to guess the spelling of, so no big deal. Does wool actually make a staff safer to use against someone, in a playfight? I'd imagine it'd still hurt to get whacked by one, since fabric doesn't soften blows too much (for example boxing gloves are padded to protect your own hands from impact, not to hurt your opponent any less). I get that this is probably a minor thing though ;-;

Also it might be worth mentioning that Ryun sets down his knife before play-fighting. I know he picked up a pillow but I didn't see him drop the knife and he did brandish it so that gave me a mini heart attack XD don't stab your friend Ryun nooooo

Railyn surged forward first, but Ryun was too quick for the younger boy, and the down pillow crashed swiftly upon his shoulder. He yelped, and the club fell from where Railyn aimed, smacking Ryun on his thigh instead of his annoying head (not that he would have reached Ryun's head anyway, but it was the thought the counted for Railyn). Ryun gasped --mostly for effect-- and toppled to the ground. Railyn chirped in triumph and flopped onto Ryun's back with full force, completing ditching his weapon of choice for a more brutal, hands-on approach.


I heard you were aging Railyn and Ryun so that the two of them wouldn't look so much like brothers, so when you come back to work on previous stuff for that, this would be a good part to look at. Ryun being dramatic and pretending to be overcome against a younger Railyn is definitely an older sibling vibe that would have made me guess they were brothers-- it's a good vibe, but since it isn't what you're looking for in them, reexamining the action here could help you convey something different!

Ryun barely managed to cover his face to avoid the onslaught of fluffy attacks from the pillow and the other boy.


"onslaught of fluffy attacks" is a delightful combination of words and I thank you for bringing it into existence XD

Railyn toppled over Ryun and yanked the pillow from his hands.


Ryun took that moment to yank the pillow out of Railyn's hand and he tossed it onto his bed before swiftly going in for the one attack he knew would turn the tides of battle into his favor: the tickle.


Due to the use of very similar words for describing the action (and the similarity of the names visually might have played a role), I found it hard to notice that the pillow ever changed hands? I just feel like I read the same thing twice and so the action was lost on me both times :')

A flash of blinding lightning flooded the windows, followed by a booming thunder that rattled the glass panes. Railyn involuntarily shuddered. The young boy still had not completely gotten over his fear of the loud storms. Ryun couldn't blame him.

A strange, hollow yet deep kind of whistling followed the void after the thunder, and it set the hairs on the back of both the boy's necks on edge. Railyn turned to Ryun with a questioning look, but Ryun's attention was outside. Something was off. There was something... wrong with the sound of the rain on the roof.


The first paragraph makes it look like Railyn is the only one scared, but the second shows the Ryun is also rather preoccupied with what's happening outside. The information about the horns later doesn't tell us what was off with the rain on the roof, and what was different about it, so I'm confused about what that meant/implied. Unless that's an intentional mystery and I'm supposed to be in the dark, however, in which case... :eyes:

A deep, rumbling horn bellowed from the darkness, followed by another, and another. It sounded similar to the goat horns of his village, but darker and louder, carrying itself through even the sounds of the storm.


Ooh I like this bit. I think it shows skill with writing a young character who hasn't faced war yet! It uses a comparison that Ryun would be used to encountering in his life, but he instinctively knows there is something wrong with it (even though he can't immediately name what that is), and we as readers are able to gather that those are war horns. It's a clever way of getting across the grim reality that's happening in the moment through an innocent gaze ^^

Love the start of this story! It looks like it's a bit of a long prologue, so I'm excited to see what action takes place before the start of the story itself, and hopefully get more familiar with Railyn and Ryun. Best of luck with LMS, and good job c:

~silv




Omni says...


Silv! <3 thank you for the review!

I love the commentary! I don't have too much to comment at the moment, just saying that yeah I will be aging up both characters in the next draft for the prologue. This means this part of the prologue will most likely be completely different and that their vibes will be more like friends and less like siblings. I know that will give conflicting vibes when you're reading the next parts, but it will make sense by the end of the prologue.

And yes i shall pester c:

also lol at velour wool



SilverNight says...


LOL I shall prepare to be pestered c:

<3



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Wed Sep 21, 2022 12:19 am
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Spearmint wrote a review...



Hiya Omni, mint here with a review! ^^ First off, I want to say that I love the dynamic between Ryun and Railyn. I've gotten a peek at this duo already from reading Aether's Heart (which I am definitely going to keep reading whenever I have time xD), and it's wonderful to be able to explore their backstory more here!
I also love the scene at the beginning with these two boys playing in Ryun's house. The description of the storm outside and the fireplace inside just makes it seem very cozy and warm. :] Overall, this was an entertaining chapter and an intriguing start to your novel!

My main piece of feedback for this would be to add some dialogue into your pillow fight action scene. I adore the concept of Railyn and Ryun having this playful, laughter-filled fight, but I feel like the description bogs it down in some places. For example, the line, "Railyn took this moment to guffaw at the obviously weaker opponent in between his feathery strikes." just reads a little awkwardly to me because the phrases like "took this moment" and "obviously weaker opponent" sound a little too formal for this, if that makes sense? And I feel like instead of outrightly saying that Ryun was weaker, you could have Railyn teasingly say it instead. Like, he could say, "Ha! You're no match for me, peasant!" (That's probably a bad example, but you get the point. xD) I really liked the lines of dialogue right before the fight, and I feel like having similar pieces of dialogue during the fight would help make the scene livelier. C:

Alright, and some thoughts on the prophecy…
Overall, it was appropriately dramatic, especially the last line. I also feel like it does a good job of introducing the main premise of the story, namely, two boys who were separated and who are now finding each other again, although much has changed from when they knew each other before. The "winds of war" is also a fantastic phrase, and I think I shivered a little at "May doom find us all." xD I only have one nitpick:

But, despite all their hopes, things will not be the same.

This line just reads a little weirdly to me. I feel like shortening it to something like "But, despite their hopes, not all will be the same" would help it flow better? Just a thought! ^^
A little more polishing of the whole poem might be good (like, just re-reading it and seeing if there are any lines that don't sound as smooth), but overall, I think it's a solid poem, especially for a first draft!

And a couple more specifics…
before swiftly going in for the one attack he knew would turn the tides of battle into his favor: the tickle.

I love this line. XD Indeed, the tickle is quite a powerful weapon!
It’s also really interesting how these characters are playing at a battle while the beginnings of a serious war are brewing outside… I get the feeling this will be one of the last innocent, carefree moments for Ryun and Railyn. :’(

Something deep inside Ryun begged him to run immediately, but instead he stepped back inside and latched the door shut, checking on Railyn as he turned his back to the horns of war.

Also a fabulous line, though ominous for sure. :’)

And that's about it for this review... Thanks for the great chapter, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night! =D




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Tue Sep 20, 2022 5:32 am
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winterwolf0100 wrote a review...



Heya Omni! Here for a reviewwwww!!

So I'm just gonna go through semi-chronologically and then if I have a random thought, I'll include it somewhere XD.

So first off-- I like the idea behind the first paragraph, but it's a little... muddied (pun unintended). I think even mentioning that the reason they run in because of the thunder is because they're afraid of it, or referencing something like a "childish impulse to hide" would make it a lot easier to get through. Especially since it's the first paragraph, I think that making sure it's easy to engage in and fully understand is very important. I'd also love to see something about the era this is set in brought up within the first paragraph, even some minor reference to something. I don't currently have any suggestions, but mentioning something that people recognize as associated with a certain era of time would really help to clarify and ground the first paragraph since from your description, it isn't really clear at all when this is happening.

I love the set-up immediately of the two characters through what they’re doing. It’s very distinct and really sets up two separate personalities. Also: “not-very-sharp knife” has me cackling right now.

So I’m still in the second paragraph and loving the characterization that’s happening already. You can tell straight away from Ryun’s first dialogue line what type of person he is and I love that. The only thing I’ll say is that the line of his voice dipping into manhood feels a little bit forced. I can’t really identify it other than that.

Continuing onward, the dialogue feels a bit forced. It doesn’t really feel completely like little kids talking I guess? Or maybe it’s subtle things like “If only I had something better” instead of something like “I wish I had something better” or “I wish this were better”. ‘If only’ just feels like a phrase you don’t hear a small child use a lot. Also, slipping in the information that Ryun’s father is in sword fights or was feels a little bit forced.

Railyn squinted threateningly.


What an absolute gremlin little kid move. Amazing. I have no other thoughts.

Ryun gasping for dramatic effect is really hilarious and definitely helping to paint a clear picture of who this kid is lol. I am here for it. The fighting mini sequence is a bit hard to follow, I’ll admit. I’m having a hard time visualizing a lot of what’s happening. That may just be because I’m bad at visualizing though XD.

Railyn took this moment to guffaw at the obviously weaker opponent in between his feathery strikes.


Since you’ve described Ryun as bigger than Railyn several times, this is a bit confusing. Is Ryun realistically weaker than Railyn, especially since his father has experience fighting and has likely realistically taught him at least a little self-defense? (Unless that’s a tragic backstory, in which case, I guess I’ll find out later lol).

”I told you, tickling’s off limits,” he seethed.


Seethed seems like a… harsh word here, doesn’t it? I know they break up laughing after this, but it still feels a bit out of character for Railyn to even pretend to seethe something.

The introduction of the rain again also feels quite sudden. I’d honestly completely forgotten it was raining, and so it felt like a very abrupt change of topic in the writing to read. Maybe even including a few small reminders that the rain is happening throughout the chapter would help that flow a bit better?

I’d love a little more show and less tell. You’re telling us exactly what their emotions are and how they’re feeling about everything happening around them. I’d love to be able to feel that instead. That should also help this feel less rushed, because the sequence is feeling very forced. I think more showing would help the scene felt like you built up to that moment instead of it coming as a last minute thought.

The ending line— oh my gosh. I got chills. I love it so much.

So in general, I think the characterization is really cool! I’m excited to see how they’ve both grown and changed since growing up, but right now, they feel like two very distinct people, which is good! They don’t feel like copies. I feel like starting around the second paragraph, you really start cementing the reader into their world and that world-building, which is awesome, because it begins to feel very natural there. I do think that if something were included in the first paragraph, it would help to introduce that concept from the very beginning. I also mentioned this in discord I think, but I love the cover, and it has such a cool vibe to it! Overall, this is a super fun beginning to a story and I’m excited to read more in the weeks and months to come! Amazing job, you should feel very proud of this!




Omni says...


WINNNNNNTTTERRR thank you for the review!!

First off, thank you so much for reviewing :D I hope you enjoyed the story! I will let you know that if you continue reading, the next part is just much weaker sooo fair warning XD

I am super happy that you see difference in Railyn and Ryun! Characterization is a weak spot for me, so that makes me happy. I think, if you read the next chapter, you're going to find Ryun kinda one note >.> which feels like a step backward from this part.

I agree on not showing what era we're in, still struggling to figure out that myself xD also agreed that they don't really sound like children for parts of this because I was having trouble writing for children to begin with. There's lots of clashing ideas going on in my head, and I think its showing through with the dialogue. I will say that Ryun had to grow up fast, and he views himself a lot older than he actually is. I don't think I characterized that particularly well, but I wanted to let that be known either way ^^

Since you%u2019ve described Ryun as bigger than Railyn several times, this is a bit confusing. Is Ryun realistically weaker than Railyn, especially since his father has experience fighting and has likely realistically taught him at least a little self-defense? (Unless that%u2019s a tragic backstory, in which case, I guess I%u2019ll find out later lol).


Yeah agreed, I think this could have been explained a bit better, but I was thinking that this was Ryun being like "Railyn thinks he is obviously superior fighter here"

The introduction of the rain again also feels quite sudden. I%u2019d honestly completely forgotten it was raining, and so it felt like a very abrupt change of topic in the writing to read. Maybe even including a few small reminders that the rain is happening throughout the chapter would help that flow a bit better?


This was intentional ^^ they were absorbed in their play fighting that they also forgot it was raining until they were suddenly reminded. So, I think that it's a good thing that you forgot while reading as well.

I%u2019d love a little more show and less tell. You%u2019re telling us exactly what their emotions are and how they%u2019re feeling about everything happening around them. I%u2019d love to be able to feel that instead. That should also help this feel less rushed, because the sequence is feeling very forced. I think more showing would help the scene felt like you built up to that moment instead of it coming as a last minute thought.


I think there are moments here that are very tell and not show, but I don't think it's a bad thing. My intention was not to get into their thoughts or stream of consciousness deliberately, as they're kids who got caught up in playing. You'll see more of Ryun's thoughts next chapter part ^^

The ending line%u2014 oh my gosh. I got chills. I love it so much.


Thank youuuu -- prepared to be disappointed next chapter XD





All of your reasoning here makes a lot of sense! ^^ you also need to learn to be kinder to yourself XD I mean, I can't talk on that because I definitely struggle too, but one of the biggest rules of auditions is to act confident in what you put forward, no matter what. Don't apologize beforehand, don't say they're going to be disappointed, and definitely no criticizing yourself before they get a chance to give feedback! Your writing is your audition! Be confident in it, because there is something to be confident about. Your writing is really great. You don't ever need to apologize for it or the quality you perceive it to be, because I can guarantee it's better than your self-doubt is telling you it is :]



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Sun Sep 18, 2022 12:47 pm
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Plume says...



Hey there!

Ah, I'm already sucked in right away to the story you've got here! I loved the little... not necessarily prologue, but the prophecy-type poem at the beginning; I always love a good rhyme scheme. The tonal shift throughout was also nicely executed—you went from this warm, sweet moment between two young friends and then ended with these foreboding "horns of war," which is super chilling and made even more so by the contrast between the playfighting before it.

I look forward to following Ryun and Railyn's journey, and best of luck on LMS!! You got this!





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