creak creak creak creak creak creak
Her feet had healed now. She could walk. She was pushing the cart.
Why, then, the cart?
creak creak creak creak creak creak
Starling.
Starling was folded over in the cart like a paper bag, her hair hanging limply over her face. Her legs and feet glistened like egg yolk with swelling, raw with red burns that split open and peeled. Her shins and the bridges of her feet were seared like raw chicken, pale and tender, on a hot grill, and her arms were slit with scratches and small singes from red-hot pebbles. But her mouth curled in a smile. A smile of a victory, however partial.
creak creak creak creak creak creak
Starling.
That was the answer.
Unsurprisingly, launching large amounts of homemade fireworks at once wasn’t the smartest idea.
creak creak creak creak creak creak
It was getting dark. Wind rustled the grasses growing between highway lanes, seeped in the blue of the night that made the moon shine white and smooth as a gleaming coin polished silver. Chilled, damp air hung over the road, colder in the shadows of the freeway. Mint-green signs flashed over the tunnel.
creak creak creak creak creak creak
It was darker and colder in the shade of the overpass, and oozing with shadows that pooled on the floor in puddles of void. Their whispers brushed her ears, and she hardly dared to breathe as she went through them. They pressed their dampness against the goosebumps tightening on her skin, flooding her eyes with pillowy blooms of soft ink and breathing words into the drafts.
YOU THINK YOU’VE DONE SOMETHING?
YOU THINK YOUR LITTLE SPARKLERS MADE ANY DIFFERENCE?
YOU THINK YOU MADE ANY DIFFERENCE?
DO YOU THINK WE CARE?
DO YOU THINK WE CARE?
DO YOU THINK WE CARE?
Daffodil squeezed her eyes shut.
“Yes.”
The shadows were weakened. They were thinner, diluted, crippled. They tried so hard to chill her bones. To scare her. To pump tingling fear like ice-cold venom through her veins until her heart became limp and still. But they could hardly touch her, only whisper, and swirl their damp wreaths over her face. They couldn’t make her feel the darkness she saw. They couldn’t hide the pavement and moonlight and grass from the eyes in her soul.
They couldn’t go one forever, even if that’s what they wanted you to think.
creak creak creak creak creak creak
The wires of the cart gleamed in the faint moonlight. There was someone else here.
creak creak creak creak creak creak
creak
A young--well, younger girl. A cloud of locks creamy pale like buttermilk floated around her head, and a teal dress fluttered around knee-length socks, now torn to shreds like gift wrapping. She had rolled herself up like a spool of thread, leaning against the gritty, hardened concrete like a tipped salt shaker. A strange light was leaking from her. Her knuckles were white as she tried to hold herself together, like she might burst open, and her form was slightly blurred, and as they drew closer, they could see it was because she was...vibrating.
She was vibrating, really, really fast.
Daffodil loosened her grip on the handle of the stopped cart.
“Hello?” she said.
“yEs?”
The girl's voice was coarse and buzzing, like her lungs were full of bees, and her face was turned away. More light was spilling from it, between the cracks of the fingers that pressed over it and covered it, catching in the threads of her hair.
“Are…”
Daffodil searched for words.
“Are you…”
Small, white lightnings sizzled in the girl’s hair.
“Are you okay....?”
CRACKLE
Everything shattered into pieces. Reality. The pavement. Flashing like shards of mirror. Jagged and crackling. Like static, when screens break up into fizzing slices and distort with particles. Focused. Unfocused. Blinding. Crackling.
Daffodil could see the girl’s face. Hair was floating around her face. The eyes were glowing pools of blazing white light, that spilled over her eyelids and dripped from her mouth in fuzzy blots, and burned from the silver cracks in her skin.
“nO”
Daffodil was blasted backwards. Her head caught around the cart and floated on her neck as it crashed against the carved cement columns. Aaron was skidded on the asphalt. Starling was crumpled over like a mashed-up ball of paper. The girl was trying to cover her face with her hands, but it was like trying to force together magnets. There was a buzzing energy sound that droned in her ears. Something was coming out of the girl, pounding against the breaking reality like grains of sand seared to needles, stinging at her skin like acid wind.
She tried to grab Starling, but her hand couldn’t feel. It rippled through Starling like jelly. Stones and pebbles were flying through her. But she couldn’t feel them.
She got up. She couldn’t feel the storm at all. She could see the girl, trying to cover her face with her hands. She couldn’t hear anything. The storm was pouring from the girl, noiseless. She felt like she was floating, like a bobber on the surface of the ocean. Removed. Floating.
The girl was hovering off from the ground.
She walked over to her and tried to pull her back down.
Energy surged into her like a spark of static. Feeling and touch and matter surged into her limbs and her fingers became solid. The numbness was burned up from her skin. Air rushed into her lungs and her heart remembered it was real. She could feel the asphalt on her knees and the air pressing on her hands. In turn, as the solidness inside returned, the storm outside receded. The crackling chaos ebbed, back into the girl like a foaming tide. Spots danced in her eyes and she heard heartbeats start again. Her fingers were wrapped around the girl’s wrist.
All was calm again.
Daffodil started to lift her hand away, but there was a sharp crackling sound as light began to bubble from her eyes and sizzle from her skin. She snapped them back in a panic and it subsided again.
The girl looked at her hands, and Daffodil’s hands.
“What’s your name?” Daffodil asked.
It was Ciana.
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138,375 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Hello BlackThorne! I'm here to review, courtesy of the Ravenclaw Team! I apologize in advance if I make any dumb remarks, as I haven't read the previous chapters.
I'm not sure about your choice of the verb "seep" in this sentence - it feels a bit off, to me at least.
I could be missing something because I haven't read the previous chapters, but shouldn't this sentence be:
"Their whispers brushed her ears, and she hardly dared to breathe when she went through them."?
Again, I could very well be missing something.
The imagery and description in this paragraph is beautiful and evoking. Good job!
To stick to third person, change "you" to "her".
You need a few extra commas in this sentence:
"A cloud of locks, creamy pale like buttermilk, floated around her head and a teal dress fluttered around knee-length socks, now torn to shreds like gift wrapping."
General thoughts
1. Your imagery and descriptions are fantastic, they depict a clear and magical picture in the reader's mind
2. I'll admit, I was a little confused as to what was going on, with all the "her" pronouns being used, but I think that's mostly because I haven't read previous chapters.
3. Overall, good job! It was an enjoyable read!
I hope this review was helpful, if you have any questions please ask.
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit
thanks for the review!
This new chapter was pretty interesting, and the whole thing was kinda surreal like usual, which is great! Like I said before, it is hard to pull off.
Here's my review:
Okay, first of all, I liked the similes and metaphors, which were as good as ever. However, some parts were a tad confusing, because it was hard to tell who you were talking about for some things.
This was unnecessary. You don't need this part, and it reads a little weirdly.
lol this was hilarious.
You started the former paragraph with "It was getting dark..." you shouldn't start two paragraphs with something similar like that. I'd recommend writing something, (for this parapgraph) more like "It grew colder under the overpass, and the shadows deepened"
You only need to say it once.
It should be "A young -- well, younger girl." The way you wrote it implies that those two words go together, like as in T-rex. I don't think young-well is a word.
Here I can tell who's talking with a little thought, but I would still explain who's talking, because otherwise it pulls the reader out of the story to figure it out. That's not something you want, even if it's only for a split second, because all of a sudden they are in the real world again, and they remember that they are reading about daffodil, and that they aren't daffodil anymore.
Nice simile.
Again. Don't pull the reader out of the story to solve who's talking. Unless it's super duper, and I mean like SUPER DUPER obvious, always add the "...said (insert name here)." Though obviously don't use said all the time.
Interesting. This is a good way to keep the reader reading, because now there's something that they don't know and now they want to figure it out, so good job.
I would say ""Ciana," said the girl." Either that or change the sentence right before into something more like this: "Daffodil asked her for her name."
Well, that's my review! I hope it was helpful.
thank you! the repetition of "do you think we care" is for emphasis, and is meant to be read under the idea conveyed that the voice of the shadows is really more the voices (plural) of the shadows.