Young Writers Society

The only thing I'd say this piece needs would be a little more description. It's a bit sparse, and thought it's obvious the story is more centered around dialogue and the characters, it'd still be nice to have a bit more place.

Maybe a quick description before you get into the meat of it? Or perhaps you could try to find a way to interject a bit of description in between dialogue without breaking the flow. I'm not the greatest at seamlessly blending description and action though, so I'm really not the expert here. You could replace the 'whatnot' in "ancient treasure or whatnot" with "or something", just to make the sentence flow a bit better. Also, why would the raven have lockpicks instead of, let's say, keys? Maybe a bit of prior explanation as to why a magical raven would ever carry lockpicks. And, like, how he got the lockpicks.

Using the word Brisingr as a swearword is a bit odd, and when I first read the kid saying it, I thought he was talking to the raven. I can understand it if you just don't want to use an actual swearword, that's fine. But maybe something a bit less wordy that has a bit of a snap to it. We're supposed to understand that it's a swearword by it's use, but it's only ever used two times, so we don't really know whether or not the two characters are hardened swearing people, or if it's a mild cuss.
I liked how the two characters had very distinct personalities. The boy sort of seemed to be playing second-fiddle to the bird in some parts, though. (The Bird And His Boy - Now THAT'S a title you could sink your teeth into. =P) Maybe adding a bit more dialogue and just fleshing ou the story more by making it longer would help define these personalities even more.

I suppose you could give the kid and raven names.... though I think that it'd be hard to show the reader their names without breaking the flow of the story. I think the best way to make what happened beforehand even clearer (Though nice hints in the dialogue) would be to make them talk a bit more. Yes, it's very hard to make exposition sound natural, especially when coming out of someone's mouth, but making them have a longer conversation give you more room for doing that. Basically, the biggest flaw in this is, I think, it's length. It feels as if it was supposed to be much longer, and it ended up being a flawed glimpse into a world rather than a tantalizing peek hole. If you're writing with a word limit, though.... just do what you can, I suppose. I'm not a fan of word limits myself. But it was very entertaining, and most of the time the dialogue was bang on. Definitely looking forward for more from you, Paperforest!

Hello! I thought this was a charming piece, though "Thief's Penance" does seem a bit heavy for what looks like a more lighthearted adventure. Maybe "Birds of a Feather"? The child and the raven do seem to flock together rather well (excuse the pun).

1.) The narrative part of the piece is pretty solid: I like that you try to reveal what happened before through hints in the dialogue.

2.) I think the onomatopoeia "Clang!" in the first line is a bit unnecessary. You could just write "The cell door closed with a clang . . . " without losing any meaning and make the sentence flow better while you're at it.

3.) Besides, I think that your first sentence could be structured differently; having too many 'and's in one line can make your writing a little confusing. Maybe try something like:

"Not long after the cell door clanged shut, its new prisoner heaved a dismal sigh and kicked the stone wall."

4.) Lastly, since you have ample wordcount, I think your piece could benefit from more description. You could use a paragraph or two to flesh out your characters in a subtler way. For example, you reveal the raven has a sort of sassy sarcastic personality with: "Oh, was that supposed to be rhetorical? Don't mind me then, I said nothing."
You could add to this by writing a few lines describing the bird's expression: maybe a sneer or half-lidded eye.

I hope you find these helpful, and keep writing!

Hello there!
To start off, you're right, that title doesn't really fit. How about something along the lines of... The Thief's Accomplice?

Now the critique:
Maybe you should give the kid a name, or maybe more of a background story as to how the pair got where they are.
The way you introduce the story feels like it's leaving out a few details, e.g. how did the two characters get to that point, and what did they do to land in prison?

Lastly, the things that I liked:
I really, really liked your short story.
Also, your attempt at humor worked.
Both characters have distinct voices, and it is obvious just from the way they talk that they have vastly different personas.

Keep writing,
Miraculor

You seem very good at writing distinct characters. I was easily able to distinguish the two through their speech and actions! Also, your dialogue was very believable, which is always a plus. It didn't rush the story on top quickly, it actually added to it.
The overall idea for the story was pretty funny, and I genuinely enjoyed reading it!

Hello hello, tis I, a random person you've most likely never heard of but whose advice you will probably consider anyway!

But in all seriousness, I've been writing almost as long as I can remember (it's only almost because I can actually remember that one time my big sis wanted to play dolls (with me as the doll) so she tried to drag me up the stairs to her attic room when I was about 8 months old, so I wasn't writing quite yet then, but I digress), so you can assume that I know at least a little about what I'm talking about. But I'm also not an expert, and very much an idiot at times, so take all that I say with a grain of salt regardless.

The format I'll be using is my usual one, or, it was my usual one, but then I took a break from it for a while, but I'm using it again now so whatever. I'll go paragraph by paragraph through the work giving my more pointed opinions on specific aspects (overlooking grammar and spelling because I can do neither of those things) and then I'll give my general opinions at the end. (Just as a side note, I read every work I plan to review three times, once to get a first impression, the second time to focus more on details, and the third time to get really nitpicky). I probably put more effort into these reviews than is necessary. Also, expect me to be a bit of a jerk. All well, moving on.

"The cell door closed with a Clang! and its new occupant sighed and kicked the stone wall. "Brisingr! Now what'll I do?""

Look, I can see what you were trying to do here. I assume that you were trying to add some clear imagery and raise a few opening questions to provide the readers with a reason to keep reading. Your idea, if that is what it was, is solid. You wanted the readers to be interested, and that's good, but you leaned too much on clique's to do it. Perhaps you could keep the first sentence, "The cell door closed with a clang." but put the "clang" in italics and switch the exclamation point to a period. If you really want to say that the clang was loud, then try changing the (still italicized) "clang" into bold or even all caps if you must. The exclamation point breaks up the flow and adds a sort of longer pause than you want right when you start out. The result is an unapologetic cringe factor that most people will be too polite to point out to you. Lucky for you, I'm a terrible "human". Also, what is "Brsinger" supposed to mean? Is a name? A random noise of frustration? A keyboard smash? An actual word that I don't know because I don't usually read books with extensive vocabularies?

I think we've dwelled long enough, let us move on.

"The kid's head jerked up to stare at a large black bird, sitting in a cage hanging from the cell's ceiling. "Wait, so you can talk!""

The wording of that first sentence is...clunky. The comma is definitely misplaced, even I, a grammar illiterate, can see that fault. This is just not a great way to introduce the bird into the picture. I'd tell you what you could do instead, but I strongly believe that you can imagine up a solution for yourself on that front, so good luck.

"The raven said nothing, but tossed its head with the same air as a parent's exasperated "so help me" look to the heavens. Humans. They're all idiots."

It's difficult to tell who those last four words belong to. Is it the narrator lamenting the stupidity of humankind? Is it the bird? The kid? Please, clarify and change that period between "Humans" and "They're" into a comma.

""Oh." The kid was quiet for a moment, thinking. You could almost hear the grinding. Then the kid frowned and said, "If this is my problem, then why are you in that cage?""

The griding of what? The wheels turning in his head? Something outside the later-mentioned window? Something else? What, child, what?!

""Why'd you let me get away with it then? I thought magic birds could tell when they were being stolen. S'not like leprechaun gold is that hard to notice.""

Leprechaun gold has never been mentioned before, and it's connection to this topic is unclear. It is my understanding that the kid has been locked up for attempting to steal something, maybe the bird, as is implied here, but then why is the bird being locked up? What is the bird being accused of? What is the kid being accused of? What is life? Who are you? Where am I?

Carrying on, "The bird shrugged again. "Even I, priceless as I am to myself, thought his price was ridiculous. Sure, I can talk, but it's not like I'm going to give anyone directions to ancient treasure or whatnot.""

I don't like how the idea of "ancient treasure" is introduced. I know that this was a prompt about a kid finding out that their pet can talk, but I will take no excuses for clunky setups through dialogue. I almost imagine the bird shifting around all suspiciously as it says this, like some kind of cartoon muguffin-finding criminal-type person, like the random guy that got eaten by the cave of wonders at the beginning of Aladin. It's all very cartoony and out of place with the rest of the tone, which has a kind of Narnia-esk feel to it. (No I am not saying your work is nearly as good as Narnia. Those books are masterful pieces of art and this was written by a definitionally amateur writer. There is no comparison.)

""Oh, don't bother with that." The raven shrugged its wings for a third time, and something shiny clattered to the bottom of its cage. It picked the ring of lockpicks up in its beak. "You know how to use these, kid?""

Clattered from where? I kinda get the impression that the lock picks were under the bird's wings upon second reading, but at first, I just imagined them kinda going POOF into existence. It's not a great impression to get from a work such as this.

"Early the next morning, riding a stolen horse fast away from town, the kid glanced up at the raven. "So, about that ancient treasure?""

"So about that ancient treasure that you mentioned in passing and specifically said that you wouldn't lead anyone to, presumably because you don't know where any such items exist, tell me about that," Back to that previous issue again, huh? Maybe you could try to mention the treasure at least once more between the first instance and now, perhaps in a scene where the kid picks the lock and they chat about a "totally hypothetical" treasure that the bird describes with just enough detail to make it pretty obvious that it knows where that exact thing is and how to get there.

"The bird sighed. "Fine. Turn left up here. No, your other left!""

That period should be a comma. Otherwise, I like this last line. It allows the readers a sort of springboard to bounce ideas of what this journey is going to be like, and those ideas are quite hilarious.

Okay, now for my general thoughts. You said in the A/N that this was based on a prompt wherein a person discovers their pet can talk, and I have got to say this is an interesting way to interpret that. Because of how you imagined the prompt going, I have to assume that you're quite imaginative. Enough so, in fact, to include way more characterization for the kid than you did, even in this short space. Right now, the kid is just some nameless humansperson with hardly anything in the way of personality. Fix it. Don't know how? Figure it out, what do I look like, and English professor?

Your other weaknesses lie in general pacing and writing style. You insist on wording things awkwardly with no regard for the most basic rules of grammar or word flow and your pacing just seems to be "whatever it ends up being" because of that. The way that you structure your sentences directly impacts how quickly or slowly a reader will interpret your work. Short, choppy sentences will punctuate important moments and read as allowing for a slightly longer pause after the period. Longer, more flowing sentences will read more slowly and drag your pace to a crawl depending on how you handle them. Please, handle them well.

This idea has much potential despite its flaws, however. The characters of the kid and the bird play of each other rather nicely despite the kid not having a whole lot in the way of a personality, and the concept could be interesting. Keep working on this stuff, in general, like, writing, stuff, I'll stop.

Anyway, that was my review of the day, you can probably see why I don't frequently use this format on longer works, even if I do only focus on the trouble spots, but I was glad to be able to use it again on this piece. (Random side note that was kinda weird, I type individual words from muscle memory, so sometimes my fingers do this weird thing where they type the wrong word, like, I just wrote "about" instead of "able". They have two letters in common. Why am I like this.)

That's all, bye bye now!

I liked how the two characters had different personalities. Sometimes when I read books every character sounds the same. The boy and Raven both had their own unique voices. The child's shock seemed genuine when he found out Raven could talk. Sometimes conversation in stories seems forced, but this flowed. My only complaint is that the title kind of sounds off.

Love the title! Great name and was the reason why I clicked on it. I was a little confused throughout the work, though you did a great job explaining why the boy was there and all. Really wanted to know the boy's name. Feels strange calling him 'kid' in my brain. Enjoyed the comedic feel to the story and how it opens with a bang - being thrown in jail is hard to ignore. About the leprechaun's gold - are they in Ireland? Talking raven suggests that this work will be fantasy sometime during the middle ages since there aren't any cars - yet. Great work - I enjoyed it.

Hello there paperforest!
I am kostia and I will be reviewing this piece for you today.

I will start with the title since you asked about that on your note. To be Frank I really liked the title the way it is. It really caught my attention. If I was you I wouldn't worry about that.

Now to the actual text. I really liked your idea, it has some potential. However I believe that in many parts it needs to be expanded and include more explanations and details.

I understand how hard that is since you have a word limit. I was never able to restrain myself when it came to word limits so I perfectly understand how difficult your task is.

With that being said I think your story definitely needs more information on it and a smoother flow. I found myself confused between different scenes and parts of the dialogue like:

"If this is my problem, then why are you in that cage?"

I didn't really get that.

Other than that I appreciate the fact that there was more showing into it rather than telling. Try to work on your imagery as far as the word limit allows you.

I really liked the atmosphere of the ending, but again I think you need to expand a little. If you didn't have a word limit I could make many general suggestions (and you d probably have written this quite differently). However you are a bit restrained now that you only have up to 650 words to use.

On that remark I would suggest to use more complex words, more qualitative dialogue and maybe more adjectives? It could give more in depth information that way.

Generally very nice try. If you end up editing it, I would love to see the edited version of it.

Happy writing!

Best regards

Kostia