Hey Liminality! Traves here for a quick review.
-The Short story is one of my favourite genres for reading and writing, and this one definitely does not disappoint at all. I've only read your poetry before, but this is pretty good too.
-A 600 word flash fiction can be difficult to write as I learned recently. What made you choose this length of the story? A lot of what follows could be moot depending on the answer, especially because this story is definitely one whole, if not yet complete if you get my drift.
-There's also the fact that this is a second draft? And that is clearly visible, because usually most of my reviews contain what can be cut down upon and I feel there's no fluff in this one. Thus I can only talk about what I liked and would've liked more.
-A Chinese new year is something I've never celebrated or seen celebrated, so if I miss out on the significance of some part, please lemme know.
- I liked how analytic and referential this story was, letting the reader feel by focussing on a particular train of thought while leaving enough breadcrumbs to piece together the whole thing, maybe answering some of the questions about why the other person left, and why it affected the narrator to the point that they're in the place they're at right now, would be cool. (Although it would perhaps require more scenes or longer transitions, so if there's a word limit that would be prohibitive)
- I have no qualms with the language or the imagery etc. they rubbed in the loneliness of the narrator in multiple ways, and that along with resignation was the general emotion I got from the tale.
- Although the same distanced /dissonant feel that the first person narration gave plus the story length you chose also limited the range of the whole thing. This is a single scene, one-shot and did leave as many questions as it answered (the flashback felt a bit tacked on because the back and forth tense change in the 2nd-3rd-4th paragraphs was a bit jarring), and it would be interesting to see how it would be written say if it were 2 or 3 times in length. I mention that because other short stories/flash fiction I've read of similar length on YWS (which go to the same depth of detail as yours) also do the same, and it can get a bit monotonous.
- Again, this was immersive and went to the proper depths and the proverbial other side of the coin, and left me asking for more.
Keep writing and sharing !
Points: 400
Reviews: 66
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