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The Bisexual's Lament - Violet

by Ventomology


jehan.  free verse


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364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

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Sun Jan 27, 2019 8:13 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Alright, Ventomology! It’s Kara here for a hopefully quick review! I’m listening to my pump-up music and feel like reviewing, so why not? :)

I’m going to do the review much like Lightsong in the way how I’ll go through one stanza at a time, okay? Just warning you before you think that I’m copying Lightsong, since that I actually do review like this. I might also get a bit blunt and rude, so I apologize ahead of time. I’m not the greatest at sugar-coating reviews. Just know that you don’t have to take my advice :)

Stanza 1: “You are a faerie.”



I’m confused with the imagery in this stanza. How can something be too-pale and purple at the same time? (unless it’s periwinkle, but I don’t think that you’re talking about that color because of the poem title :/). I would take out the too-pale part (since the poem is literally named “violet”). But is the skin color-changing, and that’s why the person is a faerie?

And why a fourth-grade classroom specifically? I would say something like an elementary school classroom instead to give people a better image in their head, even if it’s less specific, especially since I went to a school where we went to a bunch of different classes during the day, even in elementary school. I wouldn’t be able to picture the classroom as easily as you could, ya know? Either that, or I would make it more specific. Is it a classroom that focuses mostly on Social Studies? On Literature? On Math?

(I would personally go the less specific route, but that’s just my personal opinion).

Stanza 2: “You are a prince.”



I don’t actually have much to say here. I think that this is an amazing stanza and that you should keep it the way that it is :)

Stanza 3: “You are a herald.”



you in your bowtie


Is this person,,, just in a bowtie??? With nothing else? You do put a lot of details in your poem, but more detail is crucial here.

Stanza 4: “You are an artist.”



Wait, so we went from medieval terms (faerie, prince, herald) to a more modern term (artist)? The other stanzas are also named for more medieval terms, and this stanza talks about the person “painting”. I would change “artist” to “painter” or something along those lines to keep the theme smooth and connected.

But if the person has a lot of blank canvases, then are they really an artist/painter? As an artist myself, I know that blank canvases are essential if you were to paint anything, and that artist’s block is a butt, but the word “wild” implies that the main character doesn’t paint anything on their blank canvases? I might be reading it wrong.

Who’s the freckled actor-boy? I haven’t read the rest of the poems, so it could be something to do with that, but I don’t understand the reference here.

Stanza 5: “You are a scholar.”



Ah, there we go, back to medieval terms again.

Other than that joke above, I don’t have anything to say here that Lightsong hasn’t said already. Good job!

Last Stanza: “I am now a queen.”



Aw, this is bittersweet. I love it. This would be a perfect last stanza to an epic poem series like this (which the Bisexual’s Lament is, I think), since it’s bittersweet and could possibly make a person cry. That’s a good thing. It brings out emotions in a reader, which is exactly what you want to do.

Overall, I did enjoy it. The like that I’m giving you is something that you deserve; as someone who identified as bi until a month ago, I think that poems like this are wonderful and there should be more of them. You did great!

Sorry, I’m not very good at positive vibes. I’m working on it. :)

Have a great day!

Kara/zami.

#longlivebigbrother .




Ventomology says...


Thanks!



zaminami says...


Np



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471 Reviews


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Sun Jan 13, 2019 7:51 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hi! I'm here to leave a short review. :D

1st stanza: So the first line is good. Sufficiently interesting, if I may say so myself. The action and description is laid out neatly, and sets up for something that is adventurous and whatnot. My only nitpick is the part where you said 'you take my hand', then followed it with 'fingers fitting into...' It just seems redundant to me. Pick one; take my hand, or fingers fitting. Preciseness is key.

2nd stanza: With the departure of fairy to prince, the atmosphere of of the poem changes a little bit. The part until royalty still maintains the theme of spending time together in private, but the part in the backyard makes me turn back to the 'you are a prince part' to see how prancing with garden tools fit in the narrative. I'd suggest to introduce the energy that comes from the prancing right at the start of the stanza.

3rd stanza: At this point I think I can pinpoint something that I feel off from this poem. When I read herald, I imagine someone that comes from the ancient time, wearing ancient garments with ancient ways of showing manners. The gold and silver horns work with what I've envisioned, but the black concert dress and bowtie clash with the imagination. It feels like all this imagery is put together without any cohesion.

4th stanza: No issue with this one. I love how you depict his actions as an artist. I can relate with the admiration that comes from seeing someone who's so passionate about his work that you want to be just like him. I'm confused about the part where the freckled actor-boy comes in though. I don't know what you're trying to deliver there, so perhaps some enlightenment? ^^'

5th stanza: Love, love, love this grand description of being a scholar. To be paraded as if you're royalty, 'glorious and imperial'. What a way to elevate the status of a scholar to where it should be. The second part is bitter-sweet - I wonder what happens to 'you'.

6th stanza: I would say this is less transparent than the other stanzas in the sense where I have to think how exactly the persona is portrayed as a queen. I guess the idea of having ownership of yourself, and the idead that you can lead others in ways that don't need to be authoritative, is sufficient for you to be queen - a ruler. I would like it if there's an elaboration in this stanza because the message isn't strong enough.

All in all, this is a lovely poem. The words used are tender and smooth, and the magical feeling that comes with this poem is refreshing. Creativity is definitely put to maximum use here. Kudos! :D




Ventomology says...


Oh my goodness, I didn't see this for some reason. Thanks so much!




Obsessing over what you regret won't get you anywhere.
— Steggy