Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,638 Literary Works • 672,055 Reviews
Hey, guess what, I'm back again!
So this chapter was interesting. I'll jump right into it.
Something I want to talk about briefly is the raid that the men are going on. I'm not sure you've really explained what kind of raids these are, what happens during them, and why the men need to go on them. I just kind of feel like these might be 'raids' that they're doing on otherwise innocent people, and I feel like it won't work to try and portray that as noble and strong if they're really just robbing for survival. Why can't they just farm the land or something? See, I feel like you're going for a Norse/Viking feel here, but the problem with Vikings is that they were kind of scary people who generally raped and killed the people in the towns they were looting, and if you want to write a story based on them you have to get around that somehow, either by having them only do it as necessary or at the very least only steal things. (For example, How to Train Your Dragon did this well by having them fight dragons who are trying to burn down their home, rather than people.)
Sorry! That turned out to be longer than I thought it would be. It just raised a couple red flags for me with the way you were talking about the men getting the lust for war and stuff.
Other than that, I don't have too much to say. I felt the transition into the dream was too fast, and that once you got to the dream, you could use more emotionally evocative language. Right now, you kind of just describe everything plainly, and so I don't wind up feeling the fear or uncertainty I'd be expecting Brandr to feel.
I thought this was worded awkwardly - I had to read it several times to understand what you meant.
And that's all I've got for you!
Hello again! Getting quite accustomed to your reviews, and I like it!
And as for the farming and stuff, right around when the Norse started raiding, there was a huge population boom and they couldn't help sustain their own, so they compensated. The raids were started by explorers, but they realized that it was easier to steal.
Hope to hear more from you, PM me if you want me to read anything of yours in particular.
Don't worry. I don't go too far into what the raids are in the first book. But in the coming books, it does include the raids. They aren't going to be entirely noble, but it is from the Norse's perspective, so it's not going to be entirely apologetic either. I chose to stay away from it in the first book because the characters are still pretty young and in that 'hero worship' stage of life, with the Vikings being their heroes. No worries!
And on to the dream, I'll definitely rework it. Sometimes I find it hard to write in Brandr or Ulfr's perspective emotionally, because I don't quite know how to handle young boy emotions, haha.
I'll take this into consideration, thanks!
Hello again! Getting quite accustomed to your reviews, and I like it!
And as for the farming and stuff, right around when the Norse started raiding, there was a huge population boom and they couldn't help sustain their own, so they compensated. The raids were started by explorers, but they realized that it was easier to steal.
Hope to hear more from you, PM me if you want me to read anything of yours in particular.
Don't worry. I don't go too far into what the raids are in the first book. But in the coming books, it does include the raids. They aren't going to be entirely noble, but it is from the Norse's perspective, so it's not going to be entirely apologetic either. I chose to stay away from it in the first book because the characters are still pretty young and in that 'hero worship' stage of life, with the Vikings being their heroes. No worries!
And on to the dream, I'll definitely rework it. Sometimes I find it hard to write in Brandr or Ulfr's perspective emotionally, because I don't quite know how to handle young boy emotions, haha.
I'll take this into consideration, thanks!
Hello there! I haven't read previous parts, just going off of this. ^_^
Maybe try writing a hundred words of absolute ridiculousness such as... peas are are ancestors; call upon they're veggie souls In an attempt to loosen up a bit. Don't be afraid to use "don't" every once in awhile- or maybe more often than not. Let your characters have an ice cream break! I know this all sounds ridiculous, and feel free to ignore this all if you prefer- it's just my opinions and such!
I love your ending! I always love stories/movies or anything where you thought everything was perfectly normal, and then you see something that shouldn't be there. I especially love that element in horror <3 awesome job with that!
The main thing I wanted to mention was the narration or voice of this work- or perhaps the language. Throughout the piece you tell the story like someone is forcing you to write it, and by that I mean it has the language and feel... sort of like an essay- I'm not trying to be mean, sorry if I'm coming across as harsh. I'm just saying it sounds more sophisticated than what's really comfortable to read for a long amount of time in something like a chapter/novel- it's a very informative style. People use different- I'll call them volumes, for different types f writing. If I were writing a love letter, my language might be soft and caring, or passionate. If I were to write a blog post, I might seem cheery, open, and/or down to earth/honest. If I were to write a resume, I would most likely sound very formal.
So we use different language for different types of things- and I'm going to make my point soon, I swear I'm getting there!
I just feel like this story felt a bit too formal. When I read, I read because I want to escape. I want an adventure, I want to have fun, and I want to laugh. In general, I want to be comfortable. Formal writing is not very comfortable to read - in my opinion - for a long amount of time. My advice to you: try not to take this too seriously!
Thank you for introducing me to this word! I'm going to have to use that sometime.
Anyway, keep it up my friend! I hope to see more works by you around!!! ^_^
-Socks
Thanks for the review!
Thanks about the dream, I tried to capture that absolute weirdness and unnecessary scared-ness of dreams, when things that shouldn't scare you do, and all that.
I'll work on the formal tone, if I can. It's something I haven't considered before.
And thanks- frowzy was a favorite word for a while. I try to throw in a cool word every once and a while that people have to decipher, just for fun.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks for the review!
Thanks about the dream, I tried to capture that absolute weirdness and unnecessary scared-ness of dreams, when things that shouldn't scare you do, and all that.
I'll work on the formal tone, if I can. It's something I haven't considered before.
And thanks- frowzy was a favorite word for a while. I try to throw in a cool word every once and a while that people have to decipher, just for fun.
Hope to hear from you soon.
You're welcome! c: