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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hey there! I'm back for another review.
I actually really liked this chapter. I like Sigrid, and I liked how you went about getting her to get back with her friends, and I thought as a whole the piece flowed well and your dialogue felt natural.
However, I did actually kind of feel that she got back with her friends a bit too quickly. Now, I don't actually know what happened with their relationship with her, but it seemed like after that initial awkwardness when she went to Brandr's house, everything was fine and they resumed their normal activities, and if it was something that wasn't just petty, but actually important, I feel they would still behave a little cautiously around each other.
There were only a couple of things I found confusing in general. First was the part where Sigrid was wondering if Brandr knew her secret - it was just worded a bit awkwardly, and at first I thought it was Brandr who had a secret to keep.
The other main place was when Brandr was talking about how he wanted to be like Asgeirr. I understood that he thinks Asgeirr really does have a heart, but he didn't really say why he wanted to be like Asgeirr, he just refuted that he doesn't have a heart. Is Asgeirr brave? Strong? What about him would make Brandr want to be like him?
Finally, when her uncle asks her to take the beads to Brandr's mom, you say that Sigrid took a moment to remember to be suspicious. But why would she think to be suspicious of her uncle? Had he been trying to get her to resolve the conflict with Brandr?
And that's all I've got for you - good luck with the rest of this!
Thanks for another in depth review!
What Brandr had done to Sigrid was pettier than she made it out to be. She was angry and upset about something her father had done (mentioned in another section) and Brandr was just trying to figure out what was bothering her. Her uncle had sided with Brandr. I hope that gives at least a somewhat quick rundown of the backstory.
My wording does get a bit convoluted sometimes, I'll work on it.
As far as Asgeirr, he doesn't want to explain it because it would reveal something he's trying to hide. But he had figured out that the only other person like him is Asgeirr, in a very unexpected way. They both have a certain trait that he has never heard of (trying not to spoil things if you want to read the earlier chapters).
Thank you again, you rock!
Hey there! I'm here to review your story!
(Note: I haven't read the previous chapters.)
I'm just gonna give a few suggestions on grammar stuff (with explanation), some commentary, and questions as I read through. And maybe more after that... we'll see! I hope that's alright.
I would make the dash a comma instead!
I would get rid of the "exactly" because I think you already indicate Sigrid's hesitation in the first part of that sentence. It sounds cleaner without it. I would also add an "and" to help with flow, or I would just cut the sentence short right there, and split it into two.
I also don't know if you really need the "sometimes." Would "most of the time" sound better? Ahh, I dunno. It just feels like you say what Sigrid thinks, and then go "never mind!" But that's probably just me. Aaah.
Wait... what? I don't follow. Resolution to what? I feel like I've just been thrown into the middle of the story and I don't understand what anyone's talking about? I mean, I get that things will be explained later, but I think it would be helpful if you addressed what she found resolution for directly, instead of dancing around it for a while.
Honestly I don't know if this is a complaint or just a comment, but wow we're introduced to a lot of characters here in the first few paragraphs. It's a lot of names. I guess I'm just wondering if I need to remember all of these??
Are you implying that he did something that she had to forgive him for? Or do you just mean to say that in general, she can't stay mad at him cause he's so cheery?
This is easily my favorite bit of dialogue in this story, haha! Reminds me of what I say to my brother (he's my only brother, so when I say he's my favorite, his response is similar to Sigrid's).
I think you meant *see* instead of seem?
A small fire, or a smile fire?
Apparently so. Haha, it's funny that you repeat this haha.
Ok! So I really enjoyed the story! I love stuff like this. I'm trying to find words to describe all that I liked about it but I'm struggling. Agh, I just want you to know that I legitimately REALLY like it a lot! I love the range of vocabulary that you used (so much), and the flow of the story was really nice. It didn't feel too slow or too rushed.
It's just a really cute story and I'm really excited to see where it goes.
One question, though: how old is Sigrid and her friends? I was just wondering the whole time. It was hard for me to estimate.
Thank you so much for the reviewing! I've been in the Green Room a while so thanks for it. I usually type late at night (hence the weird grammar/spelling issues) and it's good to have fresh eyes on it.
)
As far as some questions you had (that I can remember):
1. There are a fair number of characters, but the majority are in passing. Otama and Hjordis (both girls) are fairly common in earlier chapters. (which I hope you'll check out *nudge nudge*
2. Sigrid and Hjordis= Bad Blood. So she's not happy about her best friend hanging out with her.
3. Brandr is not the stunningly charming kid that's easy to forgive. And Sigrid and he have an off and on friendship.
4. Sigrid is about 10.5, Brandr is 10, Ulfr is 8. These may be bumped a year ahead when I do my final draft, for reasons.
Again- thanks so much for the super in depth review!
Happy Writing.