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I enjoyed this piece. As a reader I get a clear introduction to your setting and several important characters. The pacing of the story is strong so far: with a good flow of action to balance out the descriptions of setting and character. There are numerous insights into the culture of the characters that I find particularly interesting, such as the religious ceremony, drinking mead, the slave midwife, and discussions of trust and raiding. Your writing style tends to be somewhat complex, particularly in terms of attributing action or description to characters and the use of commas for secondary and tertiary phrases [some of which may not be necessary.”

“through the ajar door”
this could probably be served by “open door” or the slightly more poetic “door ajar”

“Her face twisted”
As is, this reads as something her face does, rather than something her face is. I think you’re after “Her face was twisted”

“which he squeezed down upon each time his wife screamed and crushed his hand.”
This sentence gets a bit problematic around the hands. Obviously the last hand mentioned is meant to be the one she’s holding, but it reads as if it’s the one on the hilt.

“and the slave girl midwife”
This is interesting in terms of a window into their society, but also clunky, when “midwife” would suffice. Perhaps the slavery could be introduced elsewhere or later?

“them, pausing to”
Maybe this is finicky, but this sounds like he’s pausing on the way down, when you’d presume he’s doing this action after the draping, but before he leans back up.

“The fire lapped into the dark sky, broken embers spitting into the black”
The second phrase seems like a reiteration of the first. While it sounds cool, it doesn’t actually add to the description.

“boiling water resting over the embers.”
Embers are often used to signify a fire that’s essentially burned itself out, rather than one that is being used to boil water.

“carefully gentle”
This is another reiteration that adds little to the description

“I needed refuge”
She still kind of does though, right?

“Can we trust you?”
This question is entirely redundant, since people only answer this question in the affirmative, and she doesn’t require their trust, merely their assistance.

“She can be trusted.”
Again, this seems like an odd thing to say in the circumstance, because this infants is precisely as trustable as any child of its age. It might be interesting as a cultural thing though, about how important trust is in the kin relationships.

Cheers,
Rubric

Hiiiiiiii! Holographic Ladybug here for a short review!

I really liked how you describe things and your characters are good thus far. I think your story might be interesting, so I'll be happy to read the next chapters.


There are, though, some things I wish to point out:
'"Bjorg, please, something to drink?" The woman asked as he dismissed their midwife.'
'The' should be a lowercase word.

'"He is a warrior- like us." She said calmly. "His name will be Brandr, like the flash on your blade."'
There should be a comma after 'us' and 'she' should be a lower case word.

Ok, at first, I was really confused as to who Bjorg was. At first I thought he was the baby.... But then her wasn't? But after a re-reading, I think that he's the father.
I also don't understand why they're suddenly getting rid of the baby, where these new people came from, or where they found them.

That's all from me, I guess. I hope I was of some use!
~Holographic Ladybug

Hello, my friend.

First, simply amazing writing. Your powers of description and imagery are unbelievable. As soon as I read the first sentence, I was drawn in and I refused to take my eyes away. Fantastic writing, my friend. Fantastic.

Second, some grammatical things:

I looked over your story a second time, but I couldn't find any glaring grammatical mistakes.

Third, some stylistic suggestions:

Once again, I can't find anything that I would change.

Fourth, your characters:

Even though their were multiple characters in your writing, you handled them all well. Each of them was distinct, real, and worth listening to.

Fifth, your plot:

To start your story, this first chapter was perfect. I am automatically drawn into these people's lives. I want to know their stories. I want to know more about their world.

Overall, I'm sorry, but there is nothing I have to critique in this story. I thought it was written well, paced perfectly, and, altogether, great. I'd love to read more. Whenever you want something read, just tell me and I will be right there. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!

Hi! there Renn ..

What a nice chapter.. Your descriptions, from their simplest gesture to the most complex ones, were so vivid that I imagined the scenes and the characters in motion.
Speaking of the characters, I find their names odd but, at the same time, unique. It really emphasizes that they're warriors. Thus, it's interesting to know what will happen to Brandr and the daughter brought by the stranger.
Anyways, the last sentence was cute. It's like telling that he knows what he really wants when he grows up. Hence, I felt the warmth in their family.
I like this story

> Cha