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Young Writers Society


12+

Boy Who Cried Wolf

by Dracula


A much better rewrite of this, which is my retelling of the original story of the poor boy who cried wolf.

~

Long ago there was a village which lived in constant fear of being attacked by wolves. The wolves lived in a dark forest beside the village, and were vicious creatures who came at night and killed many people with their sharp teeth and long claws. To prevent any more raids, the people built a tall bell tower in the middle of the village so that they could know if the wolves were coming and defend themselves.

Every night, a brave scout would stand in the tower and watch the dark forest, ready to ring the bell should he spot a wolf. But one evening, the brave scout went into the forest to collect firewood and did not return. So the villagers sent his son and apprentice, a boy named Alistair, up to the tower to look out for wolves.

Deep in the dark forest, where no human would venture, the wolves gathered for a meeting. They congratulated each other on capturing the scout who had for a long time prevented them from feasting on flesh, and discussed the next stage of their plan. With the brave scout missing, the wolves knew that a new, untested watchman would be placed in the tower. All the wolves had to do was ensure that the people did not trust the new scout, then the village would be theirs for the taking.

On Alistair's first night in the tower, he gripped the bellrope tight in his hand, for he was very nervous. The whole village was relying on him to keep them safe, and he took that very seriously. Alistair had to squint hard to see in the night, as the moon was covered by clouds, but his eyes bulged when the silhouette of a dog came into plain sight. He yanked the bellrope up and down and sent loud chimes all through the village.

Alistair looked down at the cottages and saw the men barge out of their homes, weapons in hand. But when he looked back at the forest, the wolf was nowhere to be seen. The men shook their fists and shouted curses at Alistair. They told him not to trouble them again, then went back to sleep.

The next night, Alistair climbed to the top of the tower with his shoulders slumped. He was greatly disheartened that he had made a mistake and woken all the villagers, Alistair decided he must have imagined that the wolf was there. He held the bellrope again, but not as tight as the previous night. At midnight, Alistair saw three shadows emerging from the forest. He opened and closed his eyes to check that he wasn't imagining the wolves, then yanked on the bellrope and sent loud chimes all through the village.

The men once again barged out of their homes, weapons ready to strike. But the wolves had disappeared and no matter how much Alistair squinted, he could not see them. The men shook their fists and shouted curses at Alistair. They told him he would be punished if he troubled them again, then went back to sleep.

The next evening, just before he was due to climb up the tower, Alistair took some bloody meat from the village stores. As embarrassed as he was to have been shouted at by the men, he knew that he had seen wolves and had not imagined them. He placed the meat just outside the dark forest, hoping that if the wolves came, they would snatch it and leave a trail of blood.

That night, Alistair waited anxiously at the top of the tower, bellrope in hand. The clouds in the sky had grown bigger than those of the previous night and thunder rumbled in the sky. Alistair squinted, but the clouds blocked out all light so that he could only see when lightning struck. All at once, rain started pouring onto the village, lightning lit up the night, and Alistair saw a whole pack of wolves running towards the cottages! He jumped up and down, yanking the bell with much vigour.

Only a handful of village men came outside with their weapons held high. Once again, the wolves were nowhere in sight. The men, now soaked to their skin by the downpour of rain, began shaking their fists and shouting curses at Alistair. But he ran down the tower steps and met them, explaining about the meat he had placed outside the forest. Alas, when they got there the meat was gone and the rain had washed away any trail which the blood may have left.

The villagers were enraged by the many times Alistair had woken them in the night, so they took him to a large iron cage and locked him inside it. The morning came, then the afternoon, and Alistair was still shut away when the sun set. He waited for someone to let him out so he could keep watch in the tower, but the sky turned pitch black and nobody came.

At midnight, Alistair was still wide awake. He squinted hard to see his surroundings through the cage bars. His heart started pounding when he heard one devilish growl from behind him. Alistair turned around and screamed when he saw ten wolves staring at him. He saw their sharp teeth as they opened their jaws and grinned from ear to ear.

Alistair raised his hand to grab the bellrope, so he could alert the villagers. However he wasn't in the tower, he was locked safely away in a cage where even the wolves could not touch him. Alistair shouted words of warning, but no one could hear him over the growls and howls of the vicious creatures. He clasped his hands firmly to his ears, trying to drown out the screams of his people as the wolves feasted on their flesh.


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Mon Jun 01, 2015 1:05 am
megsug wrote a review...



Dracula, I'm so sorry ;n;
This review has been so long in coming, but I'm finally here. Haha!
There are a bunch of reviews, but I'm skimming through them. Sorry if I repeat things.

Okeydoke. Flite and Firestarter have covered a lot of what I would have pointed out. Villagers building a bell tower instead of wall doesn't make much sense to me either!

I do like fairy tale retellings, and I think what your retelling needs is more of a twist from the original. Maybe you should replace the wolves with a band of bandits or invaders. Or maybe a warring village. Those are just some that came to mind in the last fifteen seconds. Add a mysterious character. Heck, go crazy and make the boy who cried wolf a girl. Personally, I find the more of a twist a retelling has, the more intrigued I am by it.

The only other suggestion I have is more imagery. Fairy tales are often for children, and children are very visual, so if you can paint a clear picture of scenes that occur again and again (ie. the bell tower, where the men gather when the bell is rung) and scenes that are very important (ie. where the wolves gather) that imagery could add an extra punch, I think.

I think with a few more rewrites this could really be something!

Lemme know if you have any questions, comments, or concerns,
Megs~




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Tue Apr 14, 2015 3:41 pm
Dragongirl wrote a review...



Okay, right off the bat I am going to say I am a stickler for happy ends or at least some semblance of a happy end. I think it is safe to say that this story's end isn't joyous but I will still do my best to review! ;)

So the things I liked.

I enjoyed fable like way this is written. We defiantly don't get a ton of that here on Young Writers Society so it is nice to read something fresh.

I also thought it was interesting how you turned the story on its head by making more of the villagers own fault the wolves attacked and wasted the town rather than the boy's.

Basically my only issue with this is it's bloody (and depressing) ending, but that is my preference, not your writing.

Good work and keep writing!

DG




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Sat Mar 21, 2015 11:49 pm
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Apricity wrote a review...



As requested, I'm incredibly sorry for how late this review is, life and school's having a go at me of late. Anyways, I'll jump straight into it. So, I've noticed that you tend to do re-writes of traditional tales and put a spin on them, usually with a didactic message. Though, the thing is, I'm not necessarily sure just how good this re-telling is. You've just replaced the characters with new ones, and along with that, there were almost some logical problems. I mean, it's certainly a more interesting story than the old one, though I don't quite see the point you're trying to make.

I've got several questions with this story.

The system:

The way how this town defends itself is poor, basically a sitting duck. Either you didn't tell us enough context and expand on it, or it's just poor defence. When I read this, the first thing that came to mind was Game of Thrones and the Wall that separates the evil from the rest. This is what this village should have done, build a fortress. A ring tower won't do much, wolves can always overpower man (as seen.) The way they select the guards for the tower also fails in terms of logic, if the guards are so important. I would have imagined the villagers would select a group of elite individuals trained specifically for this task, and not just plucking new kids off the streets.

Later on in the story, Alistair was put in a cage, and for some miraculous reason. The villagers didn't think of putting a new guard up at the bell tower? Then of course they're going to die if they're that idiotic.


The people:

Sometime reading this passage, I wanted to hurl my computer at the wall. Because the stupidity of the villagers annoyed me, I suppose that was one of the messages you wanted to get across. So well-done. But there's just so many logic holes.

But one evening, the brave scout went into the forest to collect firewood and did not return.


What was the reason for this? Why did the scout have to go and collect firewood, why couldn't any of the other villagers do it? Didn't he arm himself with a weapon? What exactly happened there?

Alistair saw the shadows of the wolves, why couldn't he wait until he actually saw the wolf itself emerge. I can understand that on the first night he was nervous, and the nerves got the better of him. But by the second night, he should have learnt his lesson and be more clear-headed. I know you meant for this story to end the way they did with the villager's ignorance, but Alistair could have at any given point, brought someone else with him on that bell tower.

Did the villagers have to put Alistair in a cage? Seems a bit extreme don't you think. Sure they're pissed, I get that, but in a cage? What are they, barbarians? If you want Alistair to remain as the sole survivor, you'll have to find a more believable way.


My summary is that, you've got a good idea there, good message but the content itself needs to be more logical and believable. As Fire has said, the decision made by the villagers are just not rational enough to be believable. Then there's the whole system, that itself has a lot of flaws. I hope I wasn't too harsh, if you've got any questions regarding this review or just in general. Shoot me a PM.

-Flite




Dracula says...


Thanks for reviewing! I understand what you're saying about the bad defence so I'll try and rewrite that. When his father died, the boy took over because he was his father's son. Sort of like a prince taking over when the king dies. Do you have any ideas on how I could write that so it makes sense?



Apricity says...


Well, is it only the son? Is it only male or can it be daughters as well? You can say that the role is passed on from father to son, or you can be more creative and imply it in the context. You can have Alistair musing and hinting that his family had been guarding the bell tower for generations already, but there's another plot hole with that. If it's a father-son job, that would be this family would have been sufficiently trained for this particular job. Therefore, Alistair's mistakes are once again, not believable.



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Mon Mar 16, 2015 10:41 pm
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Firestarter wrote a review...



Hi Dracula,

A few general tips - watch your adverbs. You use too many when you could use more powerful verbs. Check this guide out!

You spell "nowhere" as "no where" several times in the story. It's one word. You also do the same with "nobody" which you spell "no body".

Anyway, on to the meaty stuff:

But one evening, the brave guard went into the forest and did not return.

Why? What was the motive? Why leave his post? This makes absolutely no sense.
So the villagers sent his son, a boy named Alistair, up to the tower to look out for wolves.


Why? Why would the villagers send a boy (and especially the missing guard's son, who has just lost his father!) to guard the village, when it is clearly such an important job? And why just one (boy) guard? Surely there's a rotation? These villagers sound pretty clueless.

All the wolves had to do was ensure that the people did not trust the new guard, and then the village would be theirs for the taking.


Well, it's just a boy, so they could probably just storm the village.

He violently pulled the bellrope up and down, making the bell clash and send loud chimes all through the village.


Oh, okay. The guard thing makes more sense now. He's not really a guard, but more a sentinel, a bell-ringer, a scout.

He was greatly disheartened that he had made a mistake and woken all the villagers; for he must have only imagined that the wolf was there.


Get rid of the semi-colon and reword this sentence. It's not helping at all!

The men once again barged out of their homes, weapons ready to strike. But the wolves had disappeared and no matter how much Alistair squinted, he could not see them. The men shook their fists and shouted curses at Alistair. They told him he would be punished if they were troubled by him again, then went back to sleep.


Well, what do they expect? They sent a child to do the most important job of the whole village. Stupid villagers.

The villagers were immensely angered by the many times Alistair had awoken them in the night, so they took him to a large iron cage and locked him inside it.


Well, this seems unfair. He's a child! One of them should be doing the job.

He clasped his hands firmly to his ears, trying to drown out the screams of his people as the wolves feasted on their flesh.


I'm glad they all died. They are stupid.

Hopefully my above comments point out some issues with your story. It was not believable to me and the decisions make no sense. Why would the "brave guard" wander away from his post and into the forest? Why would a village which ONLY SURVIVES IF SOMEBODY RINGS A BELL CORRECTLY TO WARN THEM OR THEY WILL ALL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH ask a boy WHO HAS JUST LOST HIS FATHER to watch over them and do the most important job in the entire village?

If you can sort out those issues, I think this could be an inventive re-imagining of a classic, but at the moment it's too glaring! I can't see past the plot hole.

Jack




Dracula says...


Thank you! I'll try and include answers to your questions in the story.



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Sun Mar 15, 2015 9:23 pm
kayfortnight wrote a review...



Hi! Kay here to review your story.

First impressions: I like this. Instead of the original pranking nature, you turn it into a story about a boy who honestly believes what he's doing and instead makes a few mistakes. And he tries to warn them even at the end.

It's certainly fairy-tale style, too, with sparse description and no dialogue, just telling and little showing. You could bulk this out into a more detailed style, but this does fit a fairy tale retelling.

So I only have one real suggestion that might be of any use for you. Fairy tales like to take advantage of parallel structure, of making the moral even more obvious by repeating the sentence structure and wording of the events. For example, if you wanted to emphasize the fairy tale structure, you could use the same wording for each time the men rush out of their huts.

Hope this is helpful :)




Dracula says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Mar 15, 2015 8:43 pm
Que wrote a review...



...I can only say that I loved this story.
It was amazing how Alistair was so witty, something that was never conveyed in the original story. You made this seem so real and wonderful, but still keeping that fairy tail element. Nicely done!
I also like how you included the information about the village constantly being attacked by wolves and needing to be prepared. It really helped show the importance of the tower guard and the cunning of the wolves.
I agree with Authorian, sometimes different versions of stories like this aren't very good, but this one was excellent. I have no words for this, and I definitely don't have any corrections, additions, or changes. No way am I suggesting changing this!

-Falc-




Dracula says...


Thank you!



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Sun Mar 15, 2015 6:59 pm
Authorian wrote a review...



Okay, wow.
As a rule, I never like retelling of classic stories. But you made it brand new. I was never pulled out of the story by bad grammar or something of the sort, and I love that you gave the boy a name, it makes the reader care more.
The way the wolves held council, and how they tricked Alistair, our unfortunate main character, was horrible, but intriguing to watch. The repetition is perfect for a fairy tale, without being exhausting, and the way Alistair tries to prove he's right with the meat, and the way he's thwarted by the rain, really adds a nice spin to the story.
I love the description, even though you told it, I feel like that was intentional for the 'fairy tale' feel. But all the little tweaks, and even the larger changes, that you made to this story really helped it come together.
I feel like it was worth the read, it was very enjoyable, I look forward to more of your work!
~Authorian




Dracula says...


Thanks! :D



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Sun Mar 15, 2015 5:59 pm
EternalRain says...



That was amazing. :D




Dracula says...


Thank you.




The greatest part of a writer’s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.
— Samuel Johnson