z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Path

by Kale


This story is being written and posted in whatever order I write it in. Wondering why?

Visit this thread for more information.

- - -

By the time John had finished plastering all the faces onto the post, the sun was high overhead, and he was tired from all the trips he’d made to gather more mud and grass from the stream. As he slumped against the base of the post, John wished he’d brought a bottle of water or a box of juice and wondered if the stream was okay to drink from. He was already covered in mud, so a little more mud wouldn’t make a difference, and it would get him away from the post, which hadn’t stopped chattering since he stuck the last of the faces on.

If John had known how noisy the post would be, with all the faces talking at once, he would have saved putting in the last face for when he wasn’t too tired to talk to anyone.

John rested his forehead on his knees and tried to ignore all the voices.

“Did he fall asleep?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hey, kid! Are you sleeping?”

“If he’s sleeping, he’s not going to answer, stupid!”

“I’m not stupid!”

“Yeah! I’m Stupid!”

“Of course you’re stupid, Stupid, but I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Then why were you calling them Stupid?”

“Because—”

“That’s enough!” shouted the formidable face, and all of the other faces grew silent.

“Thank you, child. At last, we are whole again.”

“And now we’ll tell you the way to the safe place like we promised!”

“Is it far?” asked John, still tired from hauling the mud and lifting all the stones.

“No.”

“It is, perhaps, ten minutes’ walk from here, if you maintain a consistent pace. First, you will want to cross the stream at the fallen tree fifty strides from the peaceful face and thirty to your left. Twenty strides straight ahead, you will see a wall made of bear stones.”

“Bear stones?” John asked, his brow furrowing. “Are they shaped like bears or are they the same size as them?”

“Both.”

“Do some of the bears look like they’re dancing?”

“You sound as if you know of the stones.”

John nodded. “They sound like the stones Princess Emmaline used to find her way.”

A surprised face flashed past before the excited face appeared. “You know Princess Emmaline?”

“No,” said John, and a disappointed face appeared. “But I know about her.”

“That’s great! If you know about her, maybe you can find her!”

“How do you know of Emmaline?” asked the thoughtful face.

“My mother tells me stories about her.”

“Interesting… Perhaps you should bring your mother here. She may know of the Princess’ whereabouts.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” demanded the formidable face.

John looked down at the ground. “She’s sick.”

“We are sorry to hear that, child.”

“Perchance you could ask her about the Princess’s whereabouts.”

“That’s a great idea! Ask her!”

John thought about it and realized that the only thing he’d ever asked his mother about Princess Emmaline was to hear her stories. “I will. But how do you know about Princess Emmaline?”

“The place you’re going to is her kingdom! Isn’t that great!” said the excited face.

“Alas,” said the sad face, “her kingdom is in a poor state as of late.”

“Of course it is. She abandoned it, after all.” The formidable face looked crosser than usual.

“‘Abandon’ is hardly the correct term to use,” said the thoughtful face. “‘Neglected’ would be more apt. Regardless, the King is most responsible for his kingdom’s welfare, even more so than the Princess.”

“Yeah! She just fixes his mistakes! It’s not her fault he keeps making them!”

“Did something bad happen to the kingdom?” asked John, his heart beginning to pick up speed with worry.

“‘Bad’ is not the correct term to use, though the kingdom’s current state could hardly be considered ‘good’, either,” said the thoughtful face. “At the very least, the kingdom is stable, albeit to the point of invariability.”

“I don’t understand…”

“You shall once you arrive, child.” The sad face smiled its saddest smile.

“You should leave soon,” said the thoughtful face. “The day does not last forever, and these woods are not safe at night.”

“Yeah! It would be really bad if you got lost in the dark! And it gets really cold!”

“You should not tarry too long, child.”

“I won’t,” promised John as he stepped around to the peaceful side of the post. “And I’ll fix you up right next time.”

“That would be great!”

“Do you know your way from the bear stones?” asked the thoughtful face.

“I think so.”

“Well, if you get lost, just come back! You have to come back here to get back home anyways, so see you soon!” The excited face bobbed up and down, as if it were waving with its entire head, and so John waved back before turning to the journey ahead. He ignored the sounds of arguing that picked up again once he was out of sight to focus on the directions he was given.

First, cross the stream at the fallen tree…


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Sun Mar 29, 2015 7:57 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya Kyllorac, pretzelsing here for a review today. Ohh, the last story that you posted on here(so far) YAY! Now I am all caught up with your novel.
Let's begin shall we?

I loved that argument with stupid being called stupid. :D :P :) It put a big smile on my face and I think that it was just great.

and wondered if the stream was okay to drink from.


Did he actually drink out of it? I was just very curious in that aspect.If he is still just a little boy, how would he know/test that?

He was already covered in mud, so a little more mud wouldn't make a difference,


I felt like here you could write something like: that he was all covered in mud. Maybe you could write:
"Every inch of his skin was coated in mud"
"He looked all-brown and wet around the edges."
Or whatever other creative thing that you come up with.

the sun was high overhead,


What time did he start? If I recall, he started in the morning,right? This detail is important so that we have a sense of the time lapse between these three scenes.

The sad face smiled its saddest smile.


Since it's is a possessive noun of smile you need to put an apostrophe s in there. This is a minor mistake that I find in many many writer's stories, but thankfully, it is a quick,easy fix.

Okay now to comment about the story. I like this plot-twist that you inserted here, it's like,who would have thought that John could maybe possibly find Princess Emmaline. I think that would be awesome and very creative.The thing is, I am wondering, why do the stones need to see Princess Emmaline. How could they help? Do they maybe hold valuable information or advice(I don't think that they could give advice since they end up arguing so much of the time xS)

By the last sentence I am wondering if John might forget the directions and get lost. That seem just like a child xD. If you havne't finished writing futher chapter/stories I would maybe suggest him getting a little bit lost, it would be interesting and fun to see him trying to get out of the trouble.

Dialogue: I think that you are doing a great job of matching the face with how it talks,but I still am sometimes clueless as to which face is talking when.Do you know what I mean,Kyllorac?Also in my mind I imagine all of this talking going at a very fast pace,since the post is spinning all the time ;) Do you want the dialogue to be fast-paced?Because that is how it seems(just to let you know)

Anyways,that's it from me(sorry that the review is sso short but this part of the story was so short and kind of hard to critique because of that).I hope this review helps!

KEEP ON WRITING!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY!




Kale says...


This detail is important so that we have a sense of the time lapse between these three scenes.

I'm not sure what you're saying about this part? The sun being high over head is an indicator of the amount of time that's passed by. The sun is only high over head around noon.

Since it's is a possessive noun of smile you need to put an apostrophe s in there.

Actually, "it's" with the apostrophe is a contraction of "it is" or "it has". The possessive form of "it" is "its" without the apostrophe. Mixing the two up is a common mistake.

I have parts written ahead, and John doesn't lose his way, nor would he be likely to. He already knows the basic route because of Emmaline's stories.

I do want the dialogue to be fast-paced, and with the faces constantly changing and talking over each other, there is supposed to be some confusion about which face is talking.



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Thu Mar 12, 2015 4:54 pm
kevin25a wrote a review...



It was interesting I guess, not my cup of tea but interesting still. I agree with Rachelle's review though, you need more details. Not to sound mean, but it was kind of poorly described in about a quarter of the story at least. You need more details describing things like where he is, where he is going, what he needs to go there for, why he needs to go there for said reason. It seems like you kind of rushed it without putting much thought into the story. I would strongly suggest looking it over a few more times and trying to add more details. It was interesting but I think you could do a lot better if you tried more. Just speaking out of experience, you really just didn't seem to try very hard, or have a good feel for what you're writing. Lack of details raises to many questions and can be very confusing also discouraging. But that's just how I see this anyway. I suggest working on this chapter more before starting the next but it's up to you.




Kale says...


Thanks for taking the time to review. Unfortunately, your review leaves me wondering if you read the little notice at the top, which explains a bit about how I'm writing this story. Basically, what's here is a first draft, and I've found that editing as I go, like you suggested, stalls the entire project. As a result, my focus right now is getting a first draft of the story out as a whole before going back to revise anything.

Where he is, where he's going, and why he needs to go there have already been answered in previous parts, so I don't see a need to rehash those pieces of information in this scene.

However, I will definitely be incorporating more description into later drafts, and it would be great if you could provide specific examples of what could be better described in this scene.



kevin25a says...


I know you described where he is going generally but you didn't really explain why he needs to, or if you did it wasn't very clear and confusing. I read it top to bottom, no point commenting or reviewing something I skip stuff in.



Kale says...


Are you saying that you've read all the parts posted so far, or just this one?



kevin25a says...


I read 4 of them I believe I know I missed one or two but this was lacking serious amounts of details. Unless you claim to purposely put in spoilers in the few I missed it has a serious oversight. If you DID put in spoilers in the few I missed you would have basically ruined your own story. So a oversight from lack of details is a lot more likely.



Kale says...


...what?

You're telling me that I need more details, but at the same time, you're telling me that including those details in earlier parts ruins my own story because they're spoilers. That makes no sense.



kevin25a says...


Like I said if you gave a spoiler in the one or two I haven't read that's just ruining your story. Has nothing to do with the fact I said you lacked serious details. Your lack of details pushes away readers, and makes a story more confusing. It also makes it harder to picture which can make a big difference between if readers can't picture the story in their minds, lack of details can do that.

You said it like a contradiction. Spoilers and lack of details are two different things but not a contradiction.



Kale says...


I asked for some specific details that you think would be good to include, and instead you start talking about spoilers. Either you meant those details were spoilers, or you went of on a tangent. In either case, you still haven't given me any concrete suggestions on what kinds of details, in your opinion, need to be included.

As I mentioned before, the things you brought up in your review as needing to be detailed were covered in previous parts. If you missed those pieces of information, then you are in the minority as other readers have picked up on them.



kevin25a says...


No, I mentioned spoilers at the same time and said I doubted their was any you didn't read what I said carefully. Unless you want dishonest reviews there isn't much I can help here. I said the problem explained what is lacking already, twice I believe. Stuff you missed in my comments or misread in them I can't help, but you obviously misread and missed a lot I said and should re-read my comments. Because I have pointed out where details were missing. And unless you want me to give a lying review I already told you what I found confusing and thought was lacking.



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Thu Mar 12, 2015 12:28 am
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rachellecarter wrote a review...



I thought maybe you would like a review.

This was certainly well written. I have nothing to complain about, really. But for my personal taste there were a few "sticky spots" as I like to call them. First, I would like the dialogue to be labeled with who is speaking more. Or at least at first. it could be as simple as "One voice scoffed" or "another voice muttered". That is only my taste though. Also, maybe a little more texture. Make me feel dirty because HE is covered in mud. Just my thoughts.

Good job, and good luck.

Rachelle




Kale says...


Thanks for the review. Description has always been something I tend to be sparse on (except when I'm deliberately trying to include a lot of it), and I'll definitely be adding more in later drafts. I really like your idea of including more descriptions of just how dirty John is. It's something I hadn't considered, and it's a great idea. :)





It's a great story! And no worries, I am terrible with description. Either I add too much or too little lol. Good luck :)




Ghosts, demons, and ghouls cannot scare the cat's underling.
— TheMulticoloredCyr