Heya Kyllorac, pretzelsing here for a review today. Ohh, the last story that you posted on here(so far) YAY! Now I am all caught up with your novel.
Let's begin shall we?
I loved that argument with stupid being called stupid. It put a big smile on my face and I think that it was just great.
and wondered if the stream was okay to drink from.
Did he actually drink out of it? I was just very curious in that aspect.If he is still just a little boy, how would he know/test that?
He was already covered in mud, so a little more mud wouldn't make a difference,
I felt like here you could write something like: that he was all covered in mud. Maybe you could write:
"Every inch of his skin was coated in mud"
"He looked all-brown and wet around the edges."
Or whatever other creative thing that you come up with.
the sun was high overhead,
What time did he start? If I recall, he started in the morning,right? This detail is important so that we have a sense of the time lapse between these three scenes.
The sad face smiled its saddest smile.
Since it's is a possessive noun of smile you need to put an apostrophe s in there. This is a minor mistake that I find in many many writer's stories, but thankfully, it is a quick,easy fix.
Okay now to comment about the story. I like this plot-twist that you inserted here, it's like,who would have thought that John could maybe possibly find Princess Emmaline. I think that would be awesome and very creative.The thing is, I am wondering, why do the stones need to see Princess Emmaline. How could they help? Do they maybe hold valuable information or advice(I don't think that they could give advice since they end up arguing so much of the time xS)
By the last sentence I am wondering if John might forget the directions and get lost. That seem just like a child xD. If you havne't finished writing futher chapter/stories I would maybe suggest him getting a little bit lost, it would be interesting and fun to see him trying to get out of the trouble.
Dialogue: I think that you are doing a great job of matching the face with how it talks,but I still am sometimes clueless as to which face is talking when.Do you know what I mean,Kyllorac?Also in my mind I imagine all of this talking going at a very fast pace,since the post is spinning all the time Do you want the dialogue to be fast-paced?Because that is how it seems(just to let you know)
Anyways,that's it from me(sorry that the review is sso short but this part of the story was so short and kind of hard to critique because of that).I hope this review helps!
KEEP ON WRITING!
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Reviews: 346
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