Set: Slightly urban area, surrounded by buildings and trees
Characters: Randy, The Grim Reaper, Police officer 1, Police officer 2, and an amusement park employee
As Randy takes a walk one fine summer afternoon, a dark robed figure approaches him.
Figure: (in a deep, eerie voice) Come with me, young man.
Randy: Are you the Grim Reaper?
Figure: I am. Now, come.
Randy: Where are we going? I don't want to die! (sniffs a bit)
Figure: (in normal voice) What? You're not gonna die! You got a free ticket to the Haunted Asylum amusement park!
Randy: You don't fool me! (kicks the supposed Reaper in the stomach)
Figure: Oomph! (falls over)
Randy: (dusts hands off) Well, that took care of him!
Two police officers arrive on the scene.
Police officer 1: Hey! Get over here, you!
Randy: (walks over) What seems to be the problem, officers?
Police officer 2: You just killed that man!
Randy: That wasn't a man, that was the Grim Reaper!
Police officer 1: No, it wasn't! That was an amusement park employee! (pulls back hood from the dead man's face)
Randy: Oh, man. I didn't mean it, officers! I really thought that guy was the Grim Reaper, honest I did!
Police officer 1: Save it for the judge.
Later, in Randy's jail cell, a mysterious figure appears.
Grim Reaper: Come with me, Randy.
Randy: H-how do you know m-m-my n-name?
Grim Reaper: I am the Grim Reaper. Now take my hand. (holds out an unappealingly bony white hand)
Randy: I got put in jail for killing a guy dressed as the Grim Reaper. I don't plan on doing it again.
Grim Reaper: (grasps Randy's now-sweaty hand) Yes, but I am the one and only Grim Reaper. Now, come.
Randy: (takes hand reluctantly) Whatever gets me out of here. Okay.
Both are whisked away to the underworld, which, in fact, was not as nice as Randy had hoped.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey there, Raven! Thank you, thank you, thank you so very much!
What I Like
Ah, simple humor... yes. Poor Randy. Ancient writings from THE RavenLord! AH XD
What I Dislike
I agree with the others-- some length would be nice. I also think that you need to format it a little more like a play-- everything centered, names bolded, etc.
In Summary
A short, humorous mini play that made me smile.
Well. This was a interesting story to read. It's a bit random. T would be better if you clarified some parts of the story. The middle is a good place to start. However, your characters are underdeveloped and you barely have a plot. But good story. I enjoyed reading it even though it didn't make much sense to me.
Hello RavenLord! Writer here for a review ^^
er, I'm not exactly sure about this story line that you have. Most of it seems a little sudden and abrupt, instantly changing direction without warning, or well, transition.
For instance,
I don't mean to take out too much, but honestly, this is sort of strange. Now, I've never reviewed a script before, so I could be 100% wrong in what I'm saying. However, I say be a little more careful with how you develop your story.
You have Randy, who we know nothing about, randomly meet someone who instantly, without hesitation, reveals himself as the Grim Reaper. Randy is automatically creeped out (notice how I use words like, instantly, automatically, randomly) scared of dying and even shows he is crying. Then, the figure is like “Oh no, not like that! Let’s go to an amusement park!”
No character, emotional, or even story development, to be honest with you. We just meet these characters, and yes, we learn about them through dialogue. It’s hard to interpret the story through just dialogue when we see a conversation like this. I suggest taking it slower, give us more stage directions so we understand a little bit more as to what is happening. In other words: Slow. It. Down.
See, look, more instantaneous things. Randy thinks he’s being tricked, he kicks the Reaper, who then falls over. What’s up with that? Does the Reaper just stay fallen at this point? I’ll say this again: It’s all a little too random for me. I feel like nothing is being taken the time to be explained, if that makes any sense. Why does the Reaper want to take this kid to a park? Why doesn’t Randy just ask for a little more info before kicking the poor dude. Just things you could add to help us learn a little bit more. You have to assume, when writing, that we know NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING. That way things are more explained/described, so we can learn and understand the situation.
Ehh, I’m not too sure about this. First of all, two police officers just suddenly appear without warning. I mean, you’re implying they saw the whole thing, but where were they? How did they notice this? You don’t even set the scene for us in the beginning, All you say that Randy is walking on one fine summer afternoon. Well, where?? Is it at the amusement park? You need to set this up for us BEFORE you start the story, so I don’t go “wutt” through this whole thing. Because I can be dumb. But this just isn’t set up correctly. Also, I’m pretty sure you can’t kill a man by just kicking him over. So, you might want to consider changing that so it makes more sense and is more believable.
And, er, I just can’t buy any of this. None of it seems real. I understand that this is fictional, but honestly, what is this employee doing, dressing up as the Grim Reaper, and then expecting kids to just scream rather than kick him? How did the officers know it was just an employee? It could’ve been anybody, unless they truly knew the man.
See, I’m sure all of this could be obvious. To you, maybe, or to someone else. But honestly, the script isn’t written well enough for us to fully imagine/understand everything. It just doesn’t add up.
Okay, so now this is the REAL Grim Reaper….why is Randy confused/not surprised? Wouldn’t he be like “are you the employee?” I just think all of it is too random for me.
Er, so this could be worked on. A lot. Everything is a little misplaced, it feels like things could be explained more through dialogue and stage directions. You have a good idea, but it needs to be beefed up, better described, etc. The characters are kind of weird, and I think you should expand a little. With a script, you usually have it longer so we can learn more about characters, setting, etc. That’s why movies and plays are long, because we learn about everything through them. Make sense? Maybe not, and if you have questions, let me know. I hope I helped!
Writer (Team Wicked Squids!)
I can't even. What the heck. Well, er, HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Randy is way too gullible. Not every black figure in a robe is the Grim Reaper. Plus, even if he was the grim reaper, how would kicking him in use stomach stop him from taking Randy's soul? He really didn't think it through, did he? And how did kicking the guy in the stomach kill him? Did he rupture one of the guy's organs and then everything in that organ came spilling out? Did he cause a gash and the guy lost too much blood? Is the guy that sensitive to pain and just die from the amount of pain?
WE DON'T KNOW!!
I love how the Grim reaper comes at the end. "Gimme your hand so I can kill you like you killed my look-alike."
BAHAHAHA! That's humorous. Serves Randy right. He did choose death over life, after all. The twit, what did he expect?
Keep writing,
~lost
Sorry if i made it too hard to understand. I tried.
Hey, Lost! Not sure if you're still active on this site but I wanted to let you know that your reaction to this piece made my day. Thank you for the honesty and I completely agree with your analysis! Randy's a complete wreck. Happy writing!
Hey, happy review day from team wicked squids. I'm on my phone trying to help my team out so forgive any mistakes caused by auto correct. I thought this story was kind of funny. It was more of a dark humor then a haha humor. It reminds me of a small skit someone would do at a school or church. I found it interesting that Randy so quickly took the groom reapers hand in order to get out of jail but obviously jail was worth then death. Thanks for sharing your script with us, I definitely had a nice chuckle over it.
You're welcome! I'm glad you liked it!
Ello fallen here on team raven to give you a ghoulish review so lets begin shall we?
LOL this was awesome I love how it was in play version and a scene the only question i have are is there more to this story? if not then my only suggestion is to add more detail right now it seems a bit rushed. Thought it made me laugh. I also loved how the reader is suspecting randy to once again kick the reaper but he dose the exact opposites. I hope to see more on this because this has a ton of potential to be something a lot greater. What i liked was that it made you laugh you suspect something dark and find it to being an employee. Keep it up Later from raven.
~Fallen
Short and sweet. I think you could have used a bit more in terms of the descriptive side of it, but the way the characters talk and act are good. The entire situation seems a little strange, but hey, that's what humour's for.
Apart from that, I'm not able to say anything else, because that's pretty much it. Perhaps the set-up at the beginning could be more detailed in terms of setting, place, and all that stuff, but I get the feeling this was an off-the-top-of-the-head work, so I won't judge you to harshly on that.
So yeah.
Thanks.
...
... I'm not quite sure what to say about this. It was rather enjoyable actually, but I would have liked it to be slightly longer.
I loved the way you wrote it though, it really fit the story. Quite funny with ironic twist in the end.
~BookWolf