-=X=-
Roranicus the Roman, an eternity dead.
Forgot the voice of fire, and the sweet melody
And the yield and debt.
Memories in the abyss
Heaved his soul in whispers. As he rose and fell.
He crossed the stages of his being
Entering Asphodel.
Greek or Roman
Oh ye who quirk the lever and look skyward,
Consider Roranicus, who was fearless and meddling as you.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Greetings dracula, I must say your poem is a beautiful piece of liturature. I am find of the way you use references to actual mythology in your poem for it gives it a sense of realism to it. (Sorry if I stink at reviews and if I am using that review sandwich thing...also why do they use a sandwich anyway...) I love the way you give the reader the feeling of how might be like to be roranicus by comparing an average modern way worker who is living a dull, safe life to a roman of centuries ago who was sent to the fields of eternal bordom. However, I must confess, I do not entirely understand the line "heaved his soul whispers". You could clear this up by replacing it with " grieved his soul mourns its journey " maybe? I am sorry for the fact I am telling you what to do when I am so new to YWS, so you do not have to follow any of suggestions on how to better your piece. Also, I know that the way I enterpret it may be different as compared to everyone else but the way it reads, it sounds like your character has lived a life that was easily forgotten and how as he died he forgot about how he has gained and lost money and crops, of songs he once heard, how it sounds like he perished in a fire. The middle stanzas are not as connected to the rest of the poem, and I think you could fix that by using more present tense wording there. I think, over all, you have an amazing start to a poem that could become legendary.
Hi there! I must begin as to say that this poem is amazing and i like the bolding of the words to add effect to words ( I think it means as if this a myth or someone else saying it)
This poem shows man vs society or man vs self I'm not sure but I still think I like it... the imagery in here shows how Roranicus battled through pain and suffering of those around him or how he rose from the dead.
I hope there is more from you
CornTimber
Hi there Jazzy! Niteowl here to review for Team Avada Kedavra this fine Review Day!
Now, having looked up the original, I found this analysis, which I think may be helpful should you choose to revise this.
Overall, I feel like this piece follows the letter more than the spirit of the original. Now, I'm not your teacher, so I can't say what will be graded most harshly, but I think if you took more liberties with the wording and focused on the meaning, it would make for a stronger poem.
In my opinion, this sounds pretty, but it's all abstractions so I think it loses something compared to the original, which uses concrete images to show what no longer matters to the dead Phoenician. It also doesn't feel connected to the last line, which is by far the strongest. I would consider using imagery and concepts related to the idea of courage/daring/foolishness to make this stronger and more connected to the last line. Perhaps something with fire or a retelling of the Icarus myth?
This part seems essentially unchanged compared to the original. Also, Asphodel doesn't seem like where this guy would end up. Fearless meddlers probably end up in Tartarus.
First line: seems a bit limiting compared to "Gentile or Jew" (aka everyone).
Second line: I've never seen "quirk" as a verb before, so it threw me. Perhaps something like "jerk", "yank", or "pull" might make more sense.
Third line: This is the "moral of the story", so to speak, and it's solid, but I think it would be even better if the stuff before it matched.
I know I sound kind of harsh, but I think rewriting poems can be really interesting (and fun!). This is okay, especially if "matching" lines/rhythm is what the teacher wants, but I think you could be more powerful and creative with this. Keep writing!
Hi Jazzy!
Well I can say I've never read of poem by Elliot so I don't have much a reference for this but I can say I truly enjoyed reading this poem. It was very good and I plan to look into the poet's works because this intrigued me. However, I wanted to know if it was your plan to have your lines have as little as three or so lines? While the poem was very good, I think it would easier if some lines didn't suddenly break off to another line with so few works. Still, very good job and the description of the words were very well done.
Sincerely,
Soulkana