I'm probably looking at just two chapters today as I need to get a storybook post or two done before I head out for the day. And yes, sometimes my introduction to reviews will be random but it's something I do for some reason and I'm sure you'll get used to it...
Specifics
1. Yes, why is Chip scared of the spider? Is is because he can't eat this one? Because other animals who he is scared of listen to this one? I think we need just a little more elaboration there, even if it's only Chip justifying it to himself.
2.
This is contradictory - he relaxes but leans forward in anger. I sort of see what you mean because this is a complaint he has a response for but it's not easy to read.Chip frowned further, and the tension in him relaxed a little as he leaned forward in anger. “So it’s danger you’re worried about, eh? How about the danger of Bassila Glace, who’s about to melt in twenty minutes or so?”
3.
I don't think the ellipsis is needed in the middle of this paragraph and it's a little distracting.Ryerson! He had never felt so excited about a visit to Ryerson in his life. Maybe he'd have something to tell him about the contact, some information about the species the captain belonged to… He grabbed his uniform jacket off the back of his chair and sprinted out of the room on all fours.
4.
Missing a space.“Hello?”he said.
5.
As soon as we opened the video call, the message from one of their pilotsjustcame straight through - Flicktail stopped to take a breath, then several more breaths. Please just get here, Captain. It’s them!
Don't use just twice in quick succession and try not to use it outside of dialogue in general. It's one of those words which interrupts the flow of a piece and doesn't add anything much.
Overall
By the crew on the other ship you mean the enemy ship, yes? Or do you mean another ship in the friendly fleet? Are there more ships in Chip's fleet? That part's not very clear.
I think you have some great ideas and background explanations in this chapter - the food chain versus the command chain is a really key one and the comment about the diet pills helps us to understand how this group of animals are working together but also to see some of the tensions which still exist.
I'm not sure the psychic link has been explained enough. It's the second time you've mentioned it and there's no clear idea of what it is or what it does. If it's going to have a big reveal later when it becomes more important to the plot then fair enough but if it's something which is referenced a lot but fairly mundane/ not plot centric then get the information out there as soon as possible as while ever you leave it as a mystery, you're making a promise to the reader. I've put that in bold because it's something I may mention again from time to time but basically a promise to the writer is something you do when you invoke a certain genre/ writing style. In this case you're creating a sense of mystery around the object and that creates the promise that this object will be important because readers are used to dealing with mysteries and they are happy to but only when the revelation is as satisfying as the not knowing was frustrating. You can get away with a mystery for a longer period of time in direct relation to how interesting/ key the revelation is. If the revelation is dull then you really can't leave this unknown thing as a mystery for long without your readers feeling frustrated.
Does that make sense? This is something we spent weeks covering in my writing classes so I'm probably not doing it justice!
It may also just be that the name you have given this particular piece of technology doesn't fit its purpose. What I understand about it so far is that it changes an animal's body so they can cope with temperatures outside of their norm. But I'm guessing it does a lot more than that since psychic suggests it does something to the mind of creatures rather than the body but changing the mind alone wouldn't work on the temperature front so it leave me thinking that can't be the main purpose of this technology. If it is, maybe you simply need a name that fits more so that when we here it we think, right that's the temperature changing thing.
I also don't understand how the flies can affect this piece of equipment or is it the temperature of the ship itself they're affecting and the psychic link can't cope with that? I think maybe there needs to be a meeting at some point where someone who needs to know what's going on but isn't very techy gets it explained to them. This is a thing that's done a lot in books to help the reader get up to speed with difficult concepts without it seeming like you're info dumping on the reader ad it might help out here.
Hope that gives you a few things to think about!
~Heather
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
Donate