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Young Writers Society



Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 1.3

by ExOmelas


Ochon stared straight up at Chip with all eight of his eyes. Then the eyes all rolled simultaneously and looked around at Ochon’s companions. Chip had gathered them all in his office, near the centre of the ship. Now they were all stood on his desk, glaring at him. But Ochon’s glare was the fiercest. And Ochon was the one Chip would have to convince.

“Look, sir.” Ochon snarled and Chip’s stomach tensed. Which was absurd, of course. Chip had eaten hundreds of spiders in his life before all this space stuff. Why was he so scared of this little speck? He wasn’t sure, but he knew it would help if the spider would stop talking back at him. Ochon went on, “I care about this crew as much as the next member, but do you realise what you’re asking us to do?”

Chip frowned. “Yes, I do, Ochon. I just told you. If you think there’s some flaw in my plan, please do enlighten me.”

Chip was starting to tremble. It was probably just from nerves, he told himself. This could extremely easily end up being a massive crisis if he didn’t get these spiders to co-operate. But there was a voice not quite at the back of his mind nagging at him. Sooner or later the trembling was going to be shivering, the change in temperature was going to be enough to affect him how it had affected Bassila Glace. And before long it would be the same for the whole crew.

“How about the fact that whatever this is has already knocked out a fully grown toucan, which you literally just told us … sir?” Ochon folded his front two arms.

Chip frowned further, and the tension in him relaxed a little. This he had an answer to. He tensed again, but this time in anger as he leaned forward and said, “So it’s danger you’re worried about, eh? How about the danger of Bassila Glace, who’s about to melt in twenty minutes or so?”

“And what gives you the right to decide which of us is in danger?” Ochon’s reply came with the lightning reflexes of a master deuler. Chip supposed that was how you fought most of your battles when you were two centimetres long.

Chip shook his sympathy out of his head and focussed, curling his fingers round the edge of his desk. “I’m your captain.”

One of the other spiders scoffed. “Only because the humans said so!”

“Deni, shh,” Ochon hissed. Then he looked from the spider who had spoken back up at Chip. “She’s right though. You’re at the top of the chain of command because the humans put you there. You have opposable thumbs, so they trust you.”

Chip shook his head. “Whatever, man, just be glad I’m at the top of the chain of command and not the bloody food chain.”

Ochon was silent. Chip could feel his heartbeat like it was clinging to the back of his throat.

“Yeah, you prefer this chain, don’t you?” Chip forced himself to go on, seeing he’d struck a nerve. “So, unless you’d like me to stop taking my diet adapter pills for a couple of days, why don’t you go see what you can do about this mess we’re in, eh?”

Chip could see Ochon’s entire body heave up and down as he breathed anger in and out. Eventually he shoved the word “Fine” out of his mouth and led his arachnid squadron in single file out of the office.

Chip leaned back in his wing-backed spinny chair and gazed around his office at the empty white walls. He wondered if human captains would have pictures of their families pinned up. Or maybe they’d have mission outlines, rather than just wandering around the galaxy. And what sort of mission statement was ‘exploration’? He spun round to look behind him at the - mostly empty - map they’d built up so far. Truthfully, this disaster was the second most interesting thing to happen to them in almost a year, the first being the contact with the other ship. His pulse hadn’t been racing so hard in ages.

Then he sprang forward with a gasp, just catching himself before his face smashed into his desk. What had he just done? He wasn't at the top of the food chain! What if an eagle heard about this particular conversation? God, he was a moron.

He shook his head. He'd done what he'd needed to do to get the spiders to co-operate. They could be mad at him later. Right now he needed to find something else useful to do. Who to show his face to next?

Ryerson! He had never felt so excited about a visit to Ryerson in his life. Maybe he'd have something to tell him about the contact, some information about the species the captain belonged to… He grabbed his uniform jacket off the back of his chair and sprinted out of the room on all fours.

***

“I'm a little busy at the moment, sir,” Ryserson said without turning round. He was staring at a black screen with white writing zooming down it. He reached forward for a keyboard, having to strain his wings so he didn't end up smacking his bill against the glass.

“Of course,” Chip mumbled. From what he could see by screwing up his eyes, the words were all the names of patients. It seemed the temperature problem was getting worse. Chip forced himself not to think about it so he wouldn't accidentally activate his faulty Thermal Regulator. Hold on…

“We should send out some sort of message to the crew to tell them not to think about how hot or cold they are!” Chip exclaimed, “In fact, why don't we just deactivate the Thermal Regulators?”

Ryserson was silent for a second and Chip was fairly sure he saw his shoulders tense and rise up. What had he said wrong now…?

Ryerson swivelled round and said, “What, and leave all the crew to cope with default human room temperature?”

“Well that's better than polar bears melting to death.” Chip was breathing hard but he couldn't stop himself hedging and adding, “Surely.”

Ryserson sighed. “Well, regardless, none of the engineers know how. It's built into the ship in ways the humans didn't teach them to understand.”

Chip stared at the wheels of Ryerson’s chair. He didn’t have any energy left to argue, and he was barely concentrating. Any moment now there would be a call from the chief pilot, Alexandria Flicktail, saying that the helm was ready to open a video call with the other ship. He just wanted to curl up in a storage cupboard until he got that signal. There was nothing useful he could really do about any of this.

His comms hub beeped.

He looked up at Ryerson, who rolled his eyes and swivelled back round. Chip stared at the blinking light on his wrist. It was time.

“Hello?”he said.

Get down to the helm, Captain! The chief pilot was also a monkey, and did not have a naturally shrill voice, but right now she sounded like a panicking hyena.

“What’s wrong, Officer?” Chip asked. He was still staring at his wrist but he could hear the squeak of Ryerson’s chair’s wheels as he swivelled back around.

As soon as we opened the video call, the message from one of their pilots came straight through – The pilot stopped to take a breath, then several more breaths. Please just get here, Captain. It’s them!

Them who?”Chip groaned as he gave Ryerson a half-hearted salute and left the room.

The crew on the ship that’s contacted us. The pilot paused. They’re the ones causing the problem with the temperature.


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Sat Apr 22, 2017 2:32 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



I'm probably looking at just two chapters today as I need to get a storybook post or two done before I head out for the day. And yes, sometimes my introduction to reviews will be random but it's something I do for some reason and I'm sure you'll get used to it...

Specifics

1. Yes, why is Chip scared of the spider? Is is because he can't eat this one? Because other animals who he is scared of listen to this one? I think we need just a little more elaboration there, even if it's only Chip justifying it to himself.

2.

Chip frowned further, and the tension in him relaxed a little as he leaned forward in anger. “So it’s danger you’re worried about, eh? How about the danger of Bassila Glace, who’s about to melt in twenty minutes or so?”
This is contradictory - he relaxes but leans forward in anger. I sort of see what you mean because this is a complaint he has a response for but it's not easy to read.

3.
Ryerson! He had never felt so excited about a visit to Ryerson in his life. Maybe he'd have something to tell him about the contact, some information about the species the captain belonged to… He grabbed his uniform jacket off the back of his chair and sprinted out of the room on all fours.
I don't think the ellipsis is needed in the middle of this paragraph and it's a little distracting.

4.
“Hello?”he said.
Missing a space.

5.
As soon as we opened the video call, the message from one of their pilots just came straight through - Flicktail stopped to take a breath, then several more breaths. Please just get here, Captain. It’s them!


Don't use just twice in quick succession and try not to use it outside of dialogue in general. It's one of those words which interrupts the flow of a piece and doesn't add anything much.

Overall

By the crew on the other ship you mean the enemy ship, yes? Or do you mean another ship in the friendly fleet? Are there more ships in Chip's fleet? That part's not very clear.

I think you have some great ideas and background explanations in this chapter - the food chain versus the command chain is a really key one and the comment about the diet pills helps us to understand how this group of animals are working together but also to see some of the tensions which still exist.

I'm not sure the psychic link has been explained enough. It's the second time you've mentioned it and there's no clear idea of what it is or what it does. If it's going to have a big reveal later when it becomes more important to the plot then fair enough but if it's something which is referenced a lot but fairly mundane/ not plot centric then get the information out there as soon as possible as while ever you leave it as a mystery, you're making a promise to the reader. I've put that in bold because it's something I may mention again from time to time but basically a promise to the writer is something you do when you invoke a certain genre/ writing style. In this case you're creating a sense of mystery around the object and that creates the promise that this object will be important because readers are used to dealing with mysteries and they are happy to but only when the revelation is as satisfying as the not knowing was frustrating. You can get away with a mystery for a longer period of time in direct relation to how interesting/ key the revelation is. If the revelation is dull then you really can't leave this unknown thing as a mystery for long without your readers feeling frustrated.

Does that make sense? This is something we spent weeks covering in my writing classes so I'm probably not doing it justice!

It may also just be that the name you have given this particular piece of technology doesn't fit its purpose. What I understand about it so far is that it changes an animal's body so they can cope with temperatures outside of their norm. But I'm guessing it does a lot more than that since psychic suggests it does something to the mind of creatures rather than the body but changing the mind alone wouldn't work on the temperature front so it leave me thinking that can't be the main purpose of this technology. If it is, maybe you simply need a name that fits more so that when we here it we think, right that's the temperature changing thing.

I also don't understand how the flies can affect this piece of equipment or is it the temperature of the ship itself they're affecting and the psychic link can't cope with that? I think maybe there needs to be a meeting at some point where someone who needs to know what's going on but isn't very techy gets it explained to them. This is a thing that's done a lot in books to help the reader get up to speed with difficult concepts without it seeming like you're info dumping on the reader ad it might help out here.

Hope that gives you a few things to think about!

~Heather




ExOmelas says...


1. I'm actually not sure I understand what you're saying here. He asks himself why he's scared of Ochon. Am I obligated to answer that?

2. Ah I see what you mean. I'll make a change to that.

3. Will take out.

5. I think that might be a habit of mine. Will look out for.

Overall

So, first I'll just explain what the psychic link does. An animal is able to think: I am too hot or I am too cold and the temperature in their immediate vicinity will change. I don't think this is particularly complicated so I think the best option would be to change the name. Any thoughts? Something to do with telepathic thermostat... Idk. I do get what you mean though. Also your writing classes sound cool!

The characters - even the techy ones - don't know what the flies do until... well actually come to think of it I'm still writing and haven't explained it yet. That one is a pretty big drop, so I think I'm fine with keeping it back. Do you think I then need to make the confusion of the crew more clear in this chapter?

Thanks for the review :)



Rydia says...


1. I feel that his fear isn't justified and an explanation might help the reader understand it?

The psychic link seems interesting but if any animal can change the temperature in their vicinity how does it work for animals standing next to each other who need opposing temperatures? Does this mean cold climate animals have to avoid hot climate animals? And if it's the temperature changing the name could perhaps play with regulator, like Thermal Regulator? Telepathic would again suggest the change is only in their mind so since it's a physical change to the environment I think the name needs more physical connotations.

I think the confusion of the crew is fine and as long as it's a big/ important revelation you're fine to hold it back :)



ExOmelas says...


1. Alright, that's fine, I'll put something in. Will have a think about how to do it subtly.

Hm... If I do that I have to explain at some point that it works via a link with the mind, but I can probably do that. Thermal Regulator sounds fine.



ExOmelas says...


Oh by the way, what do you think of the title? This is the third one I've gone through - previously Monkey Boy's Adventures in Space when it was basically Star Trek parody and To A Monkey which is actually a pretty good but slightly too obscure Burns reference. I like this one but I'm worried about the weirdness of commas in titles and the fact that it abbreviates to FFSS, which looks a LOT like ffs :/



Rydia says...


I like the title though I'd probably say nix the commas and have it without as I agree they don't really work in a title. It has a pretty, lyricalness about it. I'm not sure how memorable/ catchy it is though - who are your targeted reader? If it's young adult then you may need something snappier like 'A Monkey in Space' or 'Space Monkey' or 'Space Monkeys and Starships'.



ExOmelas says...


So just "Fur Feathers Scales and Stars"? I'm really not sure who my target audience is at the moment. I was meant to be 8-12 but I'm not sure...



Rydia says...


Yes that's how it would look :) That's quite a young target audience - I'll keep it in mind when I'm reading and see if I think there's anything too techy in that case as I was thinking the target audience were a little older. So that's useful to know/ be watching for.



ExOmelas says...


Yeah I can see why you'd think older. I don't think I enjoy writing for such a young target audience, but like, it's monkeys on a spaceship... how old could it really be for?



Rydia says...


Have you read Terry Practchett? Sure it's not animals but his young adult books are about little blue men with strangely Scottish accents who live in a store and think it's the entire world and worship the signs as messages from a deity. It's a great read even for adults, though the target audience is certainly teens.

You can definitely write animal stories for teenagers though and the wackier or more adventurous they are, the more you'll get away with it. Brian Jaques is a good example - I was reading Redwall well into my late teens and until about 15/ 16 he was my favourite author and he writes about mice and badgers living together in a medieval castle and fighting off evil foxes etc.

One more example is Robin Jarvis - again aimed at early to mid teens but I was still happily reading him in my late teens and he had a series about bats and mice - just looked it up and it was the Deptford mice series but I swear there were squirrels in it too and I liked them.

Anyway, I think you can definitely write animal stories for teens or older and not all teens will be interested in that but there's an audience for it.



Rydia says...


Have you read Terry Practchett? Sure it's not animals but his young adult books are about little blue men with strangely Scottish accents who live in a store and think it's the entire world and worship the signs as messages from a deity. It's a great read even for adults, though the target audience is certainly teens.

You can definitely write animal stories for teenagers though and the wackier or more adventurous they are, the more you'll get away with it. Brian Jaques is a good example - I was reading Redwall well into my late teens and until about 15/ 16 he was my favourite author and he writes about mice and badgers living together in a medieval castle and fighting off evil foxes etc.

One more example is Robin Jarvis - again aimed at early to mid teens but I was still happily reading him in my late teens and he had a series about bats and mice - just looked it up and it was the Deptford mice series but I swear there were squirrels in it too and I liked them.

Anyway, I think you can definitely write animal stories for teens or older and not all teens will be interested in that but there's an audience for it.



Rydia says...


Have you read Terry Practchett? Sure it's not animals but his young adult books are about little blue men with strangely Scottish accents who live in a store and think it's the entire world and worship the signs as messages from a deity. It's a great read even for adults, though the target audience is certainly teens.

You can definitely write animal stories for teenagers though and the wackier or more adventurous they are, the more you'll get away with it. Brian Jaques is a good example - I was reading Redwall well into my late teens and until about 15/ 16 he was my favourite author and he writes about mice and badgers living together in a medieval castle and fighting off evil foxes etc.

One more example is Robin Jarvis - again aimed at early to mid teens but I was still happily reading him in my late teens and he had a series about bats and mice - just looked it up and it was the Deptford mice series but I swear there were squirrels in it too and I liked them.

Anyway, I think you can definitely write animal stories for teens or older and not all teens will be interested in that but there's an audience for it.



Rydia says...


Gah, sorry, it looked like it hadn't posted - bad train internet!



ExOmelas says...


Haha no worries xD Yeah, a Terry Pratchett type audience would probably suit me quite well. I'm not sure it's *quite* silly enough to be extremely similar writing, but I would definitely want his fans to be my readers, which I'm hoping to do by introducing some interesting themes as it goes on.



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Tue Apr 18, 2017 6:36 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Two reviews in a row (go me)

Nitpicks:

'like a bullet flying from a gun that had been cocked and loaded for hours.' - just 'like a bullet from a gun' would work just fine, the extra bit just makes it too long and give less of an impact.

'From what he could see by screwing up his eyes,' - this sounds a bit odd. Maybe, 'By squinting and focusing his vision, he could see that the words were names of patients'

I like the background information we have in this chapter, it's well distributed and doesn't feel info-dumpy. The fact that Chip is only captain because he was made to be by the humans supports my thoughts that maybe Chip isn't cut out for his job?

I'm intrigued as to why the humans sent the animals into space anyway, and what is the relationship between them? Can the humans understand the animals or is it literally like when we sent chimps to space?

I'm a little confused by this 'psychic link', I feel it needs to be explained a little more. Is it something that alters the animals thoughts? Is that another reason why they don't want to all eat each other, along with the diet pills?

The bit of characterisation for Ryerson was well done. And the cliff hanger at the end made me gasp a little! :O




ExOmelas says...


Hm... the reason I haven't explained how the psychic link works is because I really have no idea at all how it would. It's goofy sci-fi that I do not have the scientific background to even begin to explain. Do you think it's necessary or is that just a passing thought?





I don't think the nuts and bolts of it need to be explained I just don't exactly know why it is there and what it is used for. is it a way to talk to each other telepathically?



ExOmelas says...


Ohhhh I see. Okay you know how in the first chapter you said you didn't get the "psychic link...help" bit - I changed that to Chip not knowing what Treego was going on about and saying as much to Treego, then Treego replying: "You know the psychic link that adjust the temperature around a crew member %u2013 it%u2019s messed up %u2013 it%u2019s going up when it should go down"

Ironic that in this chapter's previous incarnation I thought it was too infodumpy now I'm not explaining myself enough xD





Ahhh okay, I thought the problem that McCaw was dealing with the flies was the same problem with that's going on with the temperature. It's just a little confusing having two problems going on at the same time and the characters not knowing what both of them are.



ExOmelas says...


goddammit it is the same problem xD gahhh! okay um, so at this point I need to make it clear that the fly-things are causing the problem with the psychic link, now that it's clear the psychic link is to do with the temperature?





Sorry! Now that I've read on I realise that it is all linked.



ExOmelas says...


That's ok but it's not your fault you didn't in the first place, unless you think it's because I changed things about while you were reading. Do you think it would be clear to a first time reader? If you're not sure it's fine and I'll just see what the next reviewer from the trading post says.





I've just scan read the previous chapter again and maybe where it says, And Treego will fix this. There%u2019s some weird fly things stuck in the pipes that are throwing something off.' - just add, 'We think that it's the source of the problem, we just don't know what /it/ is' or something like that.



ExOmelas says...


Sweet. I'll put that in in a moment :)



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Sat Apr 15, 2017 6:50 pm
inktopus says...



I just skimmed this, but this is definitely the sort of thing that would work without tags. Obviously you still need most of them, but taking a few obvious ones out wouldn’t hurt anything.




ExOmelas says...


Cool, good to know. I'll write the funeral chapter and try it out there.



ExOmelas says...


Actually maybe that doesn't make any sense. I'll try it out at some point.



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Sun Aug 10, 2014 12:07 pm
emjayc wrote a review...



Hello, this marvelous chapter was hidden at the bottom of the Green Room! I have to say, I had no idea what to expect because I rarely read science fiction, especially when it involves space and talking animals. I found myself pleasantly surprised! I have not read the first two parts, but I could follow the plot pretty well. Your grammar is fine and your word choice is excellent! You are definitely a good writer of science fiction because I can imagine the scenes in my mind; you describe the setting and the technology well. Furthermore, your characters are great and I really enjoyed Chip!
I really do not have any criticism at this moment. Keep up the good work because you are already a great writer! :D




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Fri Aug 08, 2014 3:09 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...

When I look at this, I think script! This could really make a great script! Now this also makes a great novel, so you could choose which ever one that you want to do. Now that's not a bad thing, but a good thing, I enjoy scripts so this makes this novel 1000 times more enjoyable. I have no idea why no one has reviewed this yet because OH MY GOSH, this is such a great story! I enjoyed this plot so much! It's original and it's actually a great plot! I want to read more! Give meh more! You left me on a cliff hanger, how dare you! Your spelling and grammar is amazing. Your imagery is superb! Can you please make more? Tell me when you have the next chapter out. I love the way you implemented the monkey boy for it is your avvie and that must mean you like it. I have seen many stories where they have this long description and chapters(and they are like on chapter 123) and then I ask then, where is their plot? Somehow, through the keyboard, they stare blankly at me. I can SEE where this is going to go though, I have no idea how they are going to beat the enemy but I think that it'll be epic! Overall, great job, I really really enjoyed your piece. I NEED to write more! Have a nice review week! Keep calm and keep writing!




ExOmelas says...


Thanks so much Katya! In my head it's sort of like a children's cartoon so the script thing definitely fits. It is sort of like a linked short story series right now, like split into episodes :) have you read the other parts?



AdmiralKat says...


Nope. XD I should do that.....later(me and some others are trying to make the green room have 0 works with 0 reviews)



ExOmelas says...


Naha Ok :-). I'd join in but I am having dinner just now



AdmiralKat says...


Awesome! :D I should eat lunch soon XD



ExOmelas says...


Foooooood :D




A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden