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Specifics
1.
Luckily seems an odd choice of word - there's not a lot to support the suggestion that Chip doesn't want to be seen or stopped because you haven't described that he's in a hurry or that he's in a particular mood where having to talk to people first would be annoying. Either there needs to be more here to explain why this is lucky or you need to change the word.Luckily, everyone in the room was too busy to turn round and notice their captain, so Chip was able to press the button that closed the doors behind him and make his way to the Intensive Care Unit.
2.
This is just a minor thing but try to be active in your descriptions. We no longer care about the door and it has no significance for this room and is behind us and should therefore not be thought about for the moment. Instead, jump straight in with 'The room was open plan to give a greater sense of freedom to those contained in the beds spaced out regularly against the walls.'The door had opened onto an open plan area with beds spaced out regularly against the walls.
This sentence is about the same length as yours but it brings in a few extra details around the intended function of the room. It's a small thing but if you can do this in every descriptive sentence it will really add to the world building.
3.
Okay so I think you may need a smoother way of dropping in what type of animal they are. Yes, we need to know but I'm not sure it feels natural sometimes. Maybe something like:“Chip!” Margo, the wolf chief physician of the ship, called out as soon as he had crossed the threshold.
"Chip!" Margo, the chief physician of the ship called him over as soon as he had crossed the threshold. There was a worry in her yellow, wolf eyes which he wasn't accustomed to seeing and Chip doubled his pace.
4. Oh, Dart is Treego's surname? I hadn't picked up on that somehow which is one of the reasons I pointed out the names thing in the last one - I thought Dart was another officer you hadn't introduced yet.
5.
This and the lead up to it is very nice. It's a great bit of characterisation and the first real insight we get into how Chip thinks/ what kind of captain he is.Chip smiled, but didn’t say what he’d just thought, aware of how pathetic it would sound to someone in the middle of doing actual, tangible life-saving good for a member of the crew. All he ever did was say things.
6.
This is too many words for someone who is supposedly this sick. I've been ill before - and not even this ill - and generally the big thing about heat fatigue is that it makes it hard for you to think and your throat is dry so it's not easy to get a lot of words out. And trust me, I'm a chatty person, but it was a few hours after I'd come round, been given water and sat in the shade before I really felt able to understand that I'd fainted from heat exhaustion or that I was even ill at all. It's maybe not the same for everyone in that instance but overheating generally makes you sluggish/ lacking in clarity.“It’d feel a little better if my captain had a way to fix this.” Bassila chuckled, which quickly turned into a hacking cough. “It is good to see you though, sir. Maybe you could distract me? Any juicy gossip you can spare for a bear on her deathbed?”
7. Ah I see Chip addresses it at least but it does make me think the polar bear can't be very ill yet? Just something to think about!
8.
They stayed silent for quite a while, so Chip added, “I’m going to talk to their captain soon hopefully.”
9.
Chip smiled. “It’s alright. I understand. I can barely focus on any of this. I just want to get out there and talk tohoweverwhoever it is, show my face to their captain. That’s what I’m good for, you see. Showing my face to everyone – to Treego and Gerry, to you and Bassila, to captains making contact.”
Overall
The chapter closes nicely - the dialogue is fun and it advances the plot so good work there! I think you had some strong characterisation in this chapter in general and while the discussion over the newly sighted ship felt perhaps a bit forced, I can let it slide. Perhaps have a line a little earlier though where the captain is thinking about how he still has to deal with that so we know it's on his mind and it seems a smoother re-introduction when he decides to tell the wolf and polar bear about it?
It also seems weird that Chip would suggest he came to ask Margo about what's going on with the temperature. Of course she wouldn't know anything, she's just treating patients so maybe lose that line as it makes more sense that he came down to show his face/ to see how bad the situation was and to have some time to think about his next action.
A few more lines of description of the room/ its occupants might be nice as well but in general this is a smooth chapter/ second part.
See you at the next one!
~Heather
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