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Young Writers Society



Fur Feathers Scales and Stars - 1.2

by ExOmelas


A/N: This is a re-write of a chapter, so don't be confused if the reviews below don't match it.

---------

The sickbay doors opened wide – wide enough to allow a stretcher flanked by a team of orderlies through – and Chip, all by himself, felt somewhat stranded in the centre of the doorway. Everyone in the room was too busy to turn round and notice their captain, so Chip was able to make his way to the Intensive Care Unit largely unnoticed.

The room was open plan to give a greater sense of freedom to those lying in the beds spaced out regularly against the walls. There wasn’t much noise – just a few nurses chatting with some grumbly patients – which had surprised Chip the first time he’d come to sickbay. This was the Recovery Unit, and when you were on your way to the ICU, it was the calm before the storm.

Chip strode through the room, ignoring the occasional nod of greeting to him as the patients went back to their card games and diaries. He sighed as he pressed the button to open another set of double sliding doors and plodded through into the ICU. He would talk to them on the way back out.

“Chip!” Margo, the chief physician of the ship, called out as soon as he had crossed the threshold.

She was balanced on her hind legs with her paws resting on a large mound of a body, her amber wolf eyes only just high up enough to see over it. The white furry head poking out from the sheet indicated that this was presumably Bassila Glace, the afflicted polar bear.

Chip took a step towards them and gasped as he nearly tripped over a table of medical equipment, which was being dragged past him by a squirrel medical officer. The squirrel muttered an apology over their shoulder, but Chip was pretty sure he heard them muttering about looking where one was going as they got further away. Dodging similarly stressed individuals by darting from side to side – and at one point even ducking under a sheet being folded by two enormously tall bears – Chip made his careful way to Margo and Bassila.

“Hello, Captain,” Bassila murmured, her eyes fluttering open. She didn’t say anything more, just looked up at Chip and frowned as her breath made its way shakily in and out of her body.

Luckily, Margo filled the gap in conversation and more. The questions and worries tumbled out of her. “There’s more and more cases pouring in here. Animals too hot – animals too cold. Does Treego Dart know how to fix this? I don’t know how long they all have. What do you think we should do?”

Chip felt his eyes widen and he just stared at her for a few moments.

Eventually he managed to get out, “I … Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. But that’s actually not why I’m here.”

One side of Margo’s mouth tugged upwards. “Well, I could explain what we’re doing but last time I said medical words at you you walked away and got lunch.”

Chip chuckled despite himself. “Yeah, well, I came here to escape Treego’s thermodynamics words so maybe lay off any complex explanations.”

“I don’t think you mean thermodynamics, sir.” Bassila coughed at the end of these words. “But I’m a chef, so I share your disdain for equations.”

Her voice was very quiet, but Chip was certain he could hear amusement in it. He hoped so. That was what he’d come here for: to cheer up those that he could. There were a few patients being brought into this ward but Chip wasn’t sure if it was because of the temperature problem. Still, it was enough that there was a buzz of conversation around loud enough to drown out their chat.

“So if you’re not here to offer solutions, Chip,” Margo murmured as she adjusted some of the settings on one of the machines Bassila was hooked up to, “What are you doing?”

Chip smiled, but didn’t say what he’d just thought, aware of how pathetic it would sound to someone in the middle of doing actual, tangible life-saving good for a member of the crew. All he ever did was say things.

“I’m just getting my face about,” Chip said with a shrug, “I don’t know how comforting I am myself, but it definitely feels good to know your captain cares, right?”

“It’d feel a little better if my captain had a way to fix this.” Bassila chuckled, which quickly turned into a hacking cough. “It is good to see you though, sir. Maybe you could distract me? Any juicy gossip you can spare for a bear on her deathbed?”

“You’re not on your deathbed,” Chip snapped. Then he blinked to clear his head and went on, “Nobody’s ever been this chatty on their deathbed. Clearly this is happening gradually, for some reason. Treego will fix this. There’s some weird fly things stuck in the pipes that are throwing something off. But, uh, a distraction …” Chip leaned in towards the two of them – “Can you two keep a secret for a couple of hours?”

Margo nodded and Bassila … purred.

“Alright, well, before all this started, I was happier than I’d been in a while –”

“Apologies, sir.” Bassila offered Chip a very weak wink.

Chip chuckled. “Again, it’ll be fine … I was so happy because about an hour and a half ago, we made contact with another ship.”

Margo gasped, and her open mouth quickly turned into a grin. Bassila didn’t say anything but her breathing started to speed up a little.

They stayed silent for quite a while, so Chip added, “I’m going to talk to their captain soon hopefully.”

Margo was staring just to the side of him. Chip quickly turned round to see what she was looking at and his eyes widened at the sight of all the animals rushing about from bed to bed. Margo didn’t seem to be looking at anything in particular, but Chip had somehow forgotten about the chaos they were in the midst of. He turned back round to face Margo and Bassila.

“Sorry,” Margo said. She was still a little dazed by the looks of things but she shook her head and looked Chip in the eye. “Just a bit distracted. I hope this goes better than the last time.”

Chip immediately looked at the ground between his feet and Bassila’s bed. Last time he’d had contact with another ship had not been great. An angry wasp threatening to blow up your entire crew with massive lasers was not the best way to start your career as captain. But he’d gotten through it, and the crew seemed to quite like him for it.

“And I’m sure it will,” Margo added. Chip glanced up and saw that her eyes were wide and her head was shaking a little. She went on, “I didn’t mean to frighten you. Like I said, just a bit distracted.”

Chip smiled. “It’s alright. I understand. I can barely focus on any of this. I just want to get out there and talk to whoever it is, show my face to their captain. That’s what I’m good for, you see. Showing my face to everyone – to Treego and Gerry, to you and Bassila, to captains making contact.”

“Captain,” Bassila said. Her voice was soft and Chip wasn’t even certain she’d actually spoken until she continued, “What if you showed your face to the spiders?”

Chip blinked. He shook his head and just looked at her for a few moments. “Uh, spiders?”

Bassila started to say something but ended up coughing. Eventually, she said, “You said there were weird fly things. Maybe some spiders would be good for wrapping them up in webs or something, sir.”

Chip stared for a moment longer then said, “Yes, uh, of course. I know I said you’re not on your deathbed but … most animals don’t come up with plans to save the ship on their deathbeds!”

Bassila chuckled, and coughed again. “I am attempting to get off my deathbed.”

Chip smiled and nodded, then looked up at Margo, who was grinning.

“Alright,” he said, “I’m going to go show my face to some spiders! See you two later.”


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Sat Apr 22, 2017 1:38 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Next part!

Specifics

1.

Luckily, everyone in the room was too busy to turn round and notice their captain, so Chip was able to press the button that closed the doors behind him and make his way to the Intensive Care Unit.
Luckily seems an odd choice of word - there's not a lot to support the suggestion that Chip doesn't want to be seen or stopped because you haven't described that he's in a hurry or that he's in a particular mood where having to talk to people first would be annoying. Either there needs to be more here to explain why this is lucky or you need to change the word.

2.
The door had opened onto an open plan area with beds spaced out regularly against the walls.
This is just a minor thing but try to be active in your descriptions. We no longer care about the door and it has no significance for this room and is behind us and should therefore not be thought about for the moment. Instead, jump straight in with 'The room was open plan to give a greater sense of freedom to those contained in the beds spaced out regularly against the walls.'

This sentence is about the same length as yours but it brings in a few extra details around the intended function of the room. It's a small thing but if you can do this in every descriptive sentence it will really add to the world building.

3.
“Chip!” Margo, the wolf chief physician of the ship, called out as soon as he had crossed the threshold.
Okay so I think you may need a smoother way of dropping in what type of animal they are. Yes, we need to know but I'm not sure it feels natural sometimes. Maybe something like:

"Chip!" Margo, the chief physician of the ship called him over as soon as he had crossed the threshold. There was a worry in her yellow, wolf eyes which he wasn't accustomed to seeing and Chip doubled his pace.

4. Oh, Dart is Treego's surname? I hadn't picked up on that somehow which is one of the reasons I pointed out the names thing in the last one - I thought Dart was another officer you hadn't introduced yet.

5.
Chip smiled, but didn’t say what he’d just thought, aware of how pathetic it would sound to someone in the middle of doing actual, tangible life-saving good for a member of the crew. All he ever did was say things.
This and the lead up to it is very nice. It's a great bit of characterisation and the first real insight we get into how Chip thinks/ what kind of captain he is.

6.
“It’d feel a little better if my captain had a way to fix this.” Bassila chuckled, which quickly turned into a hacking cough. “It is good to see you though, sir. Maybe you could distract me? Any juicy gossip you can spare for a bear on her deathbed?”
This is too many words for someone who is supposedly this sick. I've been ill before - and not even this ill - and generally the big thing about heat fatigue is that it makes it hard for you to think and your throat is dry so it's not easy to get a lot of words out. And trust me, I'm a chatty person, but it was a few hours after I'd come round, been given water and sat in the shade before I really felt able to understand that I'd fainted from heat exhaustion or that I was even ill at all. It's maybe not the same for everyone in that instance but overheating generally makes you sluggish/ lacking in clarity.

7. Ah I see Chip addresses it at least but it does make me think the polar bear can't be very ill yet? Just something to think about!

8.
They stayed silent for quite a while, so Chip added, “I’m going to talk to their captain soon hopefully.”


9.
Chip smiled. “It’s alright. I understand. I can barely focus on any of this. I just want to get out there and talk to however whoever it is, show my face to their captain. That’s what I’m good for, you see. Showing my face to everyone – to Treego and Gerry, to you and Bassila, to captains making contact.”


Overall

The chapter closes nicely - the dialogue is fun and it advances the plot so good work there! I think you had some strong characterisation in this chapter in general and while the discussion over the newly sighted ship felt perhaps a bit forced, I can let it slide. Perhaps have a line a little earlier though where the captain is thinking about how he still has to deal with that so we know it's on his mind and it seems a smoother re-introduction when he decides to tell the wolf and polar bear about it?

It also seems weird that Chip would suggest he came to ask Margo about what's going on with the temperature. Of course she wouldn't know anything, she's just treating patients so maybe lose that line as it makes more sense that he came down to show his face/ to see how bad the situation was and to have some time to think about his next action.

A few more lines of description of the room/ its occupants might be nice as well but in general this is a smooth chapter/ second part.

See you at the next one!

~Heather




ExOmelas says...


1. I'll go with the first choice - ie making it clearer why this is lucky. (It's because he doesn't want people asking him questions about what's going on).

2. Will do.

3. Ironically the previous reviewer didn't realise Margo was a wolf because I hadn't said. I can see that I've done it pretty hastily. Will fix.

4. Oops, I'll fix that in the previous chapter.

6. Maybe I could have less chaos and have the effects being more gradual. That way I wouldn't have to deal with Chip feeling it yet but I could I could have it creeping up on him gradually through the whole chapter (1.1.-1.5).

8. and 9. Will fix.

Overall

Maybe something like "I might as well have asked you that" or "your guess is as good as mine" instead? As to Chip asking Margo her thoughts on the temperature.

Will add some description.

Thanks for the review :)



Rydia says...


I think 'your guess is as good as mine' would work best :)



ExOmelas says...


Cool, thanks. Also I realise I've not actually been making any of your suggested changes yet - will happen after exams XD



Rydia says...


No worries! :)



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Tue Apr 18, 2017 6:13 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Onto the second chapter!

First, nitpicks:

'enormously tall bears' - I don't think that's right. Just 'enormous bears' would work better.

'Chip made his careful way to Margo and Bassila.' -'...way carefully to...'

'Margo gasped, and her open mouth quickly turned into a grin. Bassila didn’t say anything but her breathing started to speed up a little.//They didn’t say anything, so Chip added,' - the repetition of 'didn't say anything' so close together doesn't read right. Try using a different way of saying it.

'Margo was starting just to the side of him.' - 'staring'

'sight of all the people' - shouldn't that be 'animals'?

Aaaaand, done.

Right, the conversation between Margo and Chip is a little confusing. The whole reason why he is down there is a bit all over the place. At first, it seems like he came down to ask Margo if she knew what was going on with the temperature, ' “I … I honestly don’t know. But that’s not why I’m here. Truthfully, I was about to ask you that.” But then Margo asks, “So if you’re not here to offer solutions, Chip,"“What are you doing?” It doesn't really flow right as a conversation because it reads like Margo is asking something Chip has already answered. And then he replies again with a different answer, saying he just wanted to show his face.

Also, what type of animal is Margo? All I know is she has paws. I know it's probably tedious explaining what type of animal everyone is and their characteristics but its needed to paint a vivid picture.

All in all, not a bad chapter. I know these are just parts of a large chapter so not much happened but I understand why.




ExOmelas says...


Oh crap did I not mention she's a wolf? Oops.

The last nit-pick I actually think is kind of interesting. Should they be people or animals? There's a word that is human and a word that is person, suggesting that they're not the exact same thing. So maybe a sentient animal can be a person? I'm going to go into that more in the story.

Hm... I see what you mean with the conversation. I'll try and fix that after I've read your other review.

Thanks :)





Person definition : a human being regarded as an individual. Human is the race, person I guess is a term used with the race to describe itself? Maybe? But 'person' and 'people' shouldn't be used to refer to animals.



ExOmelas says...


I think I fixed the conversation quite simply:

Luckily, Margo filled the gap in conversation and more. The questions and worries tumbled out of her. %u201CThere%u2019s more and more cases pouring in here. People too hot %u2013 people too cold. Does Treego Dart know how to fix this? I don%u2019t know how long they all have. What do you think we should do?%u201D
Chip felt his eyes widen and he just stared at her for a few moments.
Eventually he managed to get out, %u201CI %u2026 I honestly don%u2019t know. I was actually about to ask you that. But that%u2019s not why I%u2019m here.%u201D
...
%u201CSo if you%u2019re not here to offer solutions, Chip,%u201D Margo murmured as she adjusted some of the settings on one of the machines Bassila was hooked up to, %u201CWhat are you doing?%u201D



ExOmelas says...


If you are, quite rightly, annoyed by how pernickety the reply system is for recognising speech marks:

Luckily, Margo filled the gap in conversation and more. The questions and worries tumbled out of her. "There%u2019s more and more cases pouring in here. People too hot %u2013 people too cold. Does Treego Dart know how to fix this? I don%u2019t know how long they all have. What do you think we should do?"
Chip felt his eyes widen and he just stared at her for a few moments.
Eventually he managed to get out, "I %u2026 I honestly don%u2019t know. I was actually about to ask you that. But that%u2019s not why I%u2019m here."
...
"So if you%u2019re not here to offer solutions, Chip," Margo murmured as she adjusted some of the settings on one of the machines Bassila was hooked up to, "What are you doing?"





The conversation is still sort of the same if it ends with him saying he just wanted to show his face. It's that bit that doesn't link to the previous chapter. Margo calls Chip to come and look at her polar bear patient and then when he comes... she asks why he's there? Maybe you could change it to 'So if you're not here to offer solutions, Chip, what good are you being here?' Unless that is too cruel for Margo, but it does then link well to the next chapter with Ochon basically saying Chip doesn't deserve his high status.



ExOmelas says...


Ah, that's what you meant. I think I'll change the bit at the end of the previous chapter rather than this.



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Fri Jul 18, 2014 6:01 pm
TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...



I must say that was one classy ending! The form of this is highly reminiscent of a children's tv show (and I don't mean rubbish like in the night garden, I mean classic kid's tv like Noggin the Nog) so taking as a comparable base I would say this piece is done very well.
I think your real lack here is description of the space ship, in this and the first chapter. Perhaps a paragraph at the beginning just about the craft. You see, as the reviewer below mentioned, this is animal star trek, so my current idea for the craft basically the Enterprise. You need to show originality and creativity and make a spaceship.
There are some bits in here I really liked. The end was certainly one of them, but I also like the penguins. Because penguins is awesome.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!




ExOmelas says...


Thank you, I will definitely work on setting. Also, children's tv is exactly what I was going for!!! :)



ExOmelas says...


*has included some setting and a little background just after Chip sees the monkey and his fox girlfriend* could you have a look please? :)



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Fri Jul 18, 2014 5:02 pm
deleted28 wrote a review...



Now for the second part of my epic battle music session of reviewing! (God that's spelled wrong) Anyway! You need to make it believable. So far I find it unbelievable and that annoys me. So you should work on it. I love Doctor Who and Star Trek and a whole lot of Sci-Fi/Fantasy stuff. Now. The one that attracts about these Genre's is that they give you an escape of reality and your story is nearly there it just needs work to get there. For instance, you've got all these animals living on a spaceship working together with no human element but a system that controls all these different animals temperatures around them. Now that is cool, but the way you've described it doesn't really. Describe it exactly. It needs more explanation of what it is and I think that'll help readers a lot slip into this reality.

Anyway, keep up the goodwork!




ExOmelas says...


You mean like background stuff? Maybe at the start of the first one I could have a paragraph like: "Chip Puccoon, leader of the Puccoon spider monkey clan, was also the Captain of the Amazon Explorer - which was at the forefront of the Jungle Force Space Team." and then explain how the animals came to be talking? Look, it really isn't meant to be realistic. In my head I see it as a children's tv series and they always kind of work off the fact that kids will believe ANYTHING.

:)



ExOmelas says...


*has included some background now* :)



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Fri Jul 18, 2014 4:50 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Hello!

Raven here to review as requested!
I have just read chapter one, and I must say I am impressed. When I realized McCaw was a bird, oh wow, I immediately googled the name and smiled. If I am processing things right, some of the animal names are purposely "misspelled" to add to the Satire part of this novel. :)

He was like an ice pack that you press to your fur when you bump yourself so you don't get a bruise.

Something about that doesn't seem right to me. Perhaps: against your fur, so when you bump into something, you won't bruise.

So, there is a problem on board. Six animals have problems with temperature... I wonder who these patients are. I understand the problem is serious, but for some, this problem might kill 'em faster than a speeding bullet. Oh, is Chip going to make it to see Glace in time? Or is the poor dear going to die, because that could affect the whole outcome of this story.

"What's the matter, captain?" he asked.

If his title is captain, then it should be capitalized. ;)

Keep on writing!

Rave,




ExOmelas says...


Thanks, Rave! I'm doing 2 more parts for it so I'll introduce the other patients in one of them :)



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Fri Jul 18, 2014 2:19 am
erilea wrote a review...



Haha, love this part:"Okay, em, can you get me two dozen spiders and some micro signal dampeners?" Chip asked Treego eventually, "Tell them their Captain has ordered them to report immediately. If that doesn't work, tell them they'll get free lunches for the next fortnight."

Hehe.

Now, I really think you hit your goal for the entire thing. Star Trek mixed with animals. I love the humor added with Treego and Chip. I can't wait to hear more. I can't really get this part, though...

"Not even slightly, officer," Chip replied sullenly, "Wait - did you?"

The penguin nodded fervently and nearly dropped McCaw.

"Seven-oh-six-seven-five-three-seven-four-oh-five-nine," the penguin replied succinctly. "I have a good memory."

Chip crossed over to the penguin, whom he was fairly certain was a Tannoy news announcer who brought messages from Earth to the crew of the Amazon Explorer.

"Could you say that in here, officer ...?"

"Aquat," the penguin finished, then leaned towards Chip's outstretched wrist. "Officer Gerald McCaw's ID tag number is seven-oh-six-seven-five-three-seven-four-oh-five-nine. Location: central control room."

"Yes, I know that part, Officer," came the terse reply, "Just step out the way so I can add him to my rapidly growing line of patients."

"Growing?" Chip exclaimed.

"Officer McCaw will be the sixth brought in for temperature problems. Okay, preparing for teleport, locked on, got him!"

Please explain if you can. I thank you if you will! I might follow you. You seem cool, although I've never seen Star Trek before.




ExOmelas says...


What was happening was Chip didn't hear the ID tag but the penguin holding McCaw did. He tells it to Chip, then says it into Chip's comms hub. Margo replies that she already knows his location and wants the penguin to get out the way so he doesn't get caught in the teleport. Then she announces that he will be the sixth animal that is either too hot or too cold. Then she locks onto his ID tag and teleports him.

Which bits of this would you recommend I put in more explanation for?



erilea says...


Definitely the ID tag. Have you earlier told anybody about it? Does the audience know you can hear the ID tag? Please explain that part.



ExOmelas says...


I'll explain to you just now then edit it when I'm on my laptop. An ID tag is like the file reference number on a computer and is fictional. It's just something that sounds vaguely like something that would be from Star Trek, which I appear to be accidentally parodying.



ExOmelas says...


And could you please address the fact that your review is present twice?



erilea says...


Um, OK. Well, I'm not really sure why my review is "present twice", but I really want to hear more of the Star Trek\Animal thingie.



ExOmelas says...


Does it appear twice on your computer or is it just mine showing it like that?



erilea says...


It's on mine, too. WHYYYYYYY???????



ExOmelas says...


I dunno. Hold on, I'll PM a mod



erilea says...


Oh, this is random, but I love your avatar. So cute!



ExOmelas says...


thanks :)



erilea says...


Your welcs. :)



Iggy says...


I'll keep this as a review because you actually provide some helpful advice in it. Removing points for the copied text.



erilea says...


Okay...




cron
The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay