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Young Writers Society



Asenath:Tears on the Sand Chapter 12

by Aravis10


XII

Asenath felt Oni shaking her the next morning.

“My lady! Wake up!”

“What do you want?” Asenath growled.

“I’m sorry. I knew that you wouldn’t want to be woken, but it is the first hour of the day and my lord told me that he had something to do with you before he left at the second hour and…I thought…”

“Stop blubbering. Well, if I must get up, I must. Where is J…I mean, Zaphenath-paneah?”

“I don’t know completely, but I was told that he is in the back room alone,… talking to himself,” Oni finished quickly.

What a fool!

“Don’t speak with such rudeness! Come with me to the bathroom and assist me with my shower.”

Asenath stood in the mud brick enclosure while Oni poured cold water over her head. The icy water chilled her bones, but it helped her to wake up and think clearly.

I must not fall into blind love. I won’t speak to him nor look him in the eye. With luck, he will find it totally disrespectful and file for divorce.

After she dressed in a tasteful (and modest) cream and dark yellow tunic, Joseph’s male servant, Msrah, knocked.

“My lord wishes to have breakfast with you on the east portico.”

“Yes, of course. I will be there momentarily.”

While she walked to the portico, she took in more of the house, trying to remember how to get back to her room.

She came to the east portico. Joseph was setting the table. Asenath gasped.

Why won’t he just let the slaves do their jobs?

For a few minutes, she watched him from behind a column. He brought in food, poured drinks, and arranged a centerpiece of rose and myrtle flowers.

A man of many talents. How is it that he has not won a girl yet? Probably, his disregard of normality lost his admirers.

Though she tried to subdue it, Asenath was gaining an odd respect for this man.

She emerged and coughed to get his attention. He noticed her and smiled.

“I know that I should have let the slaves do it… but I wanted everything to be perfect. We can eat breakfast together while watching the sunrise. All the servants may leave the room.” Joseph reclined on the pillows while patting a spot for Asenath.

She lounged at the table covered with honey bread, milk, dates, and pine nuts. Joseph bowed his head for a minute.

He has such strange rituals!

The sun began peaking over the horizon. “What a beautiful morning!” Joseph exclaimed.

Asenath just munched on pine nuts and said nothing.

“How did you sleep?”

She said nothing.

Joseph lifted an eyebrow. “I’ll take that as ‘I slept very well, thank you’.”

She didn’t even look at him, but she imagined his face getting red.

“Tell me a little about yourself.”

She kept eating and prepared for him to explode.

“Well then…” he started tensely, but he stopped himself. “You are right. This is too gorgeous a sunrise to ruin with speaking.”

They ate the rest of breakfast in silence.

He is not angry! Why? I disrespected his authority and disobeyed him.

The meal ended. Joseph took Asenath’s rigid hand and kissed it. “Good bye, my love. I will be back for supper.” Putting on his wig and headpiece, he left.

Asenath watched him from the portico as he sped away on his chariot to the Pharaoh’s palace.

Now there is work to do.

First thing, Asenath called a meeting of the head slaves of the house in the main hall. The steward, head chef, chief gardener, and master of slaves were present.

Asenath sat at a high backed stool while Oni kept her cool with a fan of peacock feathers. “Since I am running the affairs of this household for now and I am new here, I called this meeting. Steward Msrah, explain to me the size of this estate.”

“My lady, Zaphenath-paneah has three acres of grape vineyards a few miles away. That is mostly my concern. Here there are thirty gardeners for the twenty gardens, twenty cooks, fifteen maids, five stable boys, three messenger boys, thirty musicians and dancer, twenty others, and forty guards. The fruit from our gardens go to the storeroom or the kitchen. Extras are given to the poor.”

“To the poor?”

“By order of Zaphenath-paneah. The estate is financially stable.”

“Good. You may go. Chef, tonight we will have stuffed and roasted duck. And I want my lunch in the shade garden.”

“Yes, my lady.”

“Go now. Gardener, I would like fish added to the pool of the mosaic garden.”

He bowed and left.

“Master of slaves, tomorrow we will go to the market. I need at least four male attendants. Not Nubians, but of noble look and stature. And who is your most loyal and hard-working male slave with an excellent spirit?”

“Let’s see. Hmmmm. Probably Msrah, but he is my lord’s steward.”

“Is he married?”

“No.”

“Perfect! Oni, hand me papyrus and a quill.”

Oni gave it to her, and Asenath began to write. She finished the note, sealed it, and handed it to the man.

“Give this to my lord, Zaphenath-paneah. You are dismissed.” The man left, bowing profusely. “Oni, you are to be married.”

“My lady! To Msrah!”

“Yes.”

“Thank you! I can’t even express how happy I am!”

“Do not speak of it. I will finalize it with Zaphenath-paneah tonight. Now I must organize all those gifts we got. Some of them are probably worthless, others valuable. Come, this will be tedious.”

The rest of the morning was spent sorting money, linen clothing, jewelry, pots, and little idols. Asenath wasn’t sure what to do with the statues since she hadn’t seen any gods in the house.

I’ll ask Joseph about them tonight.

When the hottest part of the day came, Asenath made her way to the shade garden. It was a circular grove of persea and tamarisk trees. The branches were low, and their shadows offered a chance to shelter from the sun. In the center, a white pillar stood upright. Vines were connected from the top of the pillar to the tops of the trees like a spoked wheel. A low sofa sat on the grass by a table with a simple lunch of raisin cakes and grape juice. Asenath ate under the canopy of vines. Then, she began to do fine beaded stitchery on one of her tunics.

I hate stitchery. But proper noblewomen do stitchery. And that is what I am. For now. I will do this monotonous work until the month is up. Maybe I do have a little esteem for Joseph, no, I don’t care what he does. Well, I can’t ignore him anymore. I have to speak to him about Msrah and the statues. Perhaps he will tell me his story. I don’t deserve that after this morning.

The afternoon passed stale and sleepy.

Oni yawned as she fanned her mistress. She thought, “At least, back at the painted house, I had real work to do.”

The hot part of the day had just passed when Asenath spoke, “Tomorrow, I will spend rest time with a few politically connected women. My husband needs a sly woman like me to hear what the nobles of Egypt really think of him.”

“Very good plan, my lady. Are you ready to go in?”

“Yes. I have to change for dinner.”

#*#*#*#*#*#*#

Asenath spent an hour getting ready for dinner because guests invited by Joseph were coming that night. She dressed modestly, of course, but she had realized that she could still be fashionable while being modest.

Dinner was held in the main hall. Musicians played Egyptian folk songs. Asenath sat to the right of Joseph at the table. The steward was there along with government officials, farm owners, and builders.

Joseph started the meal by bowing his head for a moment, like breakfast that morning.

What could he be doing? Remembering the dead? Keeping a vow?

The dinner was festive with smoky roasted duck stuffed with corn and vegetables.

Asenath laughed along with the jokes and added words to the discussions, but all of it was fake.

I loathe this marriage, but I cannot ruin his political career.

When dinner was finished, Joseph stood up. “Well, friends, what an enjoyable meal! Thank you, my love, for planning it.”

Asenath blushed.

He should not be so…so hasty! And outwardly affectionate! It is not right!

“I would love to talk and make merry the rest of the night. But we have business to attend to.”

The guests nodded.

“The Pharaoh has put me in charge of storing one fifth of all the food for the famine to come.”

Famine? How does he know that here is a famine coming?

“I have worked on plans all day.”

For the next two hours, Joseph laid out plans for building huge storage cellars in key cities and gathering grain. “During the next seven years of plenty, this is what we will work on. Once the seven years of famine begin, we will have to discuss ways to distribute the food.”

Asenath listened with interest and total confusion.

Seven years of plenty? Seven years of famine? Are these code words? Has the Pharaoh gone mad?

Finally, Joseph dismissed the group. He whispered, “Wait here a moment.” She noticed that he looked tired.

Probably hoping that I will succumb to his attempts at wooing me. Never!

She walked out onto a porch. The full moon beamed a silvery light that seemed to encompass her. The light was haunting and gripping. Asenath shivered.

Some might find the moon beautiful, not me. It is frightening. What is on the dark side of the moon that no one sees? What horrors lie there?

Madu came to her, “My lord is ready for you.”

Asenath walked to her room and opened the curtain. She gasped. “My lord… I mean, Joseph! What are you doing?”

He stood by the door wearing a loincloth of a slave and holding an alabaster bowl. “My lady, sit down,” he said humbly.

“No! You are my husband! You will never wash my feet.”

“I must do this. Allow me this one thing. Let me show my love for you by serving you,” he pleaded.

A spark of Asenath’s conceit came back. “Alright. Don’t make the water too cold.”

“Of course not.” He expertly unbuckled her sandals.

Reluctantly, she slipped her dirty feet into the bowl. He poured warm water over her feet.

Mmmmm. The perfect temperature.

Without hesitancy, he began to massage her feet with his warm hands.

He knows how to do this. I knew he was a slave but I thought that he was higher up. Only the lowest slaves wash feet!

He added perfumes to the water and continued to massage. His touch was not awkward or stiff as she had imagined it might be. When he was done, her feet felt soft and delicate. He bowed.

“Was my service to your liking?”

“Joseph, how…what? Yes.”

“I am glad. Now, unless I can serve you another way, I will go to bed.”

“No, go ahead. And…thank you.”

Asenath had a million questions in her mind to ask Joseph, but he was already lying on the couch.

#*#**#*#*#*#*#*

Asenath was in bed before she remembered about Oni and the statues of the gods.

I really shouldn’t wake him up. But this is important. And, if he wants to be of service to me, he shouldn’t mind too much.

“Joseph?”

He grunted from across the room.

“Are you awake?”

“Yes.”

“Oni, my attendant, is of age for marriage and I wish her to be married to Msrah.”

“Sounds reasonable. Alright. He needs a wife, and Oni seems to have a good spirit. They will be a nice fit.”

“May I have a house built for them? Not big, but decent.”

“Alright. Good night.”

“Good night.”

Oh! The famine!

A few minutes later, she said again, “Joseph?”

“Asenath?”

“Do you have a minute?”

“I always have a minute for you, my love.”

“What was all that at dinner about years of plenty and years of famine?”

“It’s quite a long story. Are you sure you want to hear it?

“If you aren’t too tired…”

“Well, alright. But here’s the deal. You cannot comment until I have finished the story.”

“I won’t.”

“Alright. About a week ago, Pharaoh had a dream, actually two dreams. The first one was like this. There were seven fat cows eating by the Nile. Then, seven very skinny cows came up and ate the fat ones. But the skinny cows were still skinny. The next dream was this. Seven ears of corn grew, full and good. Then, seven thin and withered ears came up and ate the good ones. Pharaoh called to all his magicians for an interpretation, but none of them could give him one. My God Elohim has given me the gift of interpretation. Pharaoh called me and told me the dreams. And God revealed to me the meaning. The dreams had the same interpretation. Elohim showed to the Pharaoh what is to come. The seven fat cows and ears are seven years of great plenty. And the skinny cows and ears are seven years of severe famine.”

The whole time Asenath had listened with a blank stare.

When it was obvious that he was done, Asenath began to laugh. She put her hands on her stomach and bent over laughing.

“How could the Pharaoh be so foolish? He thinks that you can see the future! I see everything now! I see how you used these dreams to get into power!”

“No! Elohim revealed it to me! It was not a political game!”

“Zaphenath-paneah! The god speaks and lives! Pharaoh thinks that you are a god!”

“NO! NO! You are wrong! Elohim is God, the only God!”

Asenath became solemn. “Yes, I see that you really believe in this God. Where is His image then? I have seen none.”

“He is the God that created all Heaven and Earth. He is so majestic that His glory cannot be made into an image.”

“That is ridiculous. Egyptian gods have images. I have never heard of Elohim.”

“He is the God of the Hebrews and the only God!” he yelled.

“What about all the gods that we have in our storage room?”

“Melt them down. I won’t have idols in my house! And what idol do you serve, Asenath? Ra?”

Asenath spit. “I serve no one. There are no gods and if there are, they have no power.”

“You are wrong. Elohim has all power!”

“Believe what you want Joseph, but there will be no famine and there is no Elohim!”


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Thu Jan 08, 2015 1:19 am
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy heeeeere! :3

So in this chapter, they're starting to learn how each other works, and I think Joseph is starting to get discouraged. I mean, he's trying to get her to even pay him some positive attention, and all she ever does is think of herself, or just act generally unpleasant. >.< I have to admit, she is probably the most emotional character I have ever read, especially because she seems to have these odd mood swings throughout the day, changing her viewpoints of things at the fly. While it sets her character in stone, it's also very annoying at times - not a bad kind of annoying, though. The best kind. It's just one more thing that brings the novel in close, because in this book, I don't think there are many people that can relate with Asenath... yet. But we now have Joseph, and he is too easy to like. Hence, her mixed emotions.

I spoke about the issues with your dialogue in the previous review, but they apply here just as much. Your dialogue, while realistic in every fashion (perhaps the most realistic I have seen in a long while), is empty. Because you have no structure around the words. Work on building up the dialogue with character action and the like. I won't go into this again, since I did just last chapter. :3

One thing I do like is the detail you give to character oddities. She notices the strange things he does every time - whenever they talk, when they're just walking around, eating. I think it's pretty obvious he isn't an Egyptian, or at least isn't the normal Egyptian. One thing you could work on with him are descriptions, because I find myself not being able to see him properly. Like, I don't know what he looks like. Seeing as though he isn't an Egyptian (using my knowledge of the Bible), would he look like one? That would be yet another thing that could set him apart. Like, no doubt his skin would be a different color and such. I do like how she sees him doing all this that slaves are supposed to do. Adds to his character very well, and also tells us that Asenath notices these things. And it seems as though, while she is genuinely shocked that he's doing all of that work, she doesn't seem to not like it other than it's not what she's used to.

Where is J…I mean


Okay, so you're using quite a few ellipsis's now (...), and while that is fine, remember you need a space afterwards. Otherwise, you are just connecting two words together. So, either: J ... I or J... I I have seen it done both ways, and while I think the latter is neater, they are both correct (as far as I know).

I spot some paragraph difficulties during the part where Joseph washes her feet (reminded me of the Last Supper). Not difficulties like they were too long, but where they seemed single sentences that just went down the line. Most of them could have been combined with other sentences to be given a better flow and appearance to the piece, and if they couldn't have been joined together, you should go through and find a way to bring them together. Because if your piece reads through like a drum beat or rap, then there are some issues. (; And while it wasn't that bad throughout, that one section definitely needs a moment and some TLC with the paragraphing and flow. Poor paragraphing = poor flow, in most cases. Because, like if I went through with my review and did one or two sentences per paragraph, it would look and read in a disjointed manner. Because many of my thoughts in different paragraphs would be similar enough to patch together. So with many of those parts, find the similarities and link them together by molding their ideas into one.

“Joseph?”

He grunted from across the room.

“Are you awake?”


This is an example of what I am talking about. All of these are related. She is saying something to Joseph, he replies with a grunt, and then she asks if he's awake (dumb question. xD). What you need to do is tweak the wording and possibly insert another sentence to make it flow as one paragraph. Let me just give you a quick example: "Joseph?" I turn over in my bed to see him lying on the couch. He grunts in reply. "Are you awake?" That, to me, would help the flow and bring it all together. And, also? While in real-life, we would talk like this with nothing to piece our words together except, well, our words, in writing we must piece things together in order to make them whole. Let's use an ice-cream sandwich as an example. The dialogue is the ice-cream in the middle - the reason you're biting into the sandwich. But, without the wafers around it, it isn't a sandwich. It isn't whole. With the dialogue scene above, I feel as though I got the ice-cream and just a taste of the wafer - not enough to satisfy me. So work with it and see if you can bring that scene to its full potential. :3

This famine and Joseph not worshiping the Egyptian god... It has really unsettled Asenath, and that was perfect for you to do. I love her reaction to all this, and how there always seems to be emotion sent through her dialogue to show the reader how she feels (she spits a lot. o.o). And I wonder if going through this book, she will learn that Elohim is the true God. I hope she does, and think she does. Joseph, while being a kind and understanding man, it seems, also strikes me as very strong and convincing. Let's see how it goes.
~Darth Timmyjake




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Sat Sep 20, 2014 3:13 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here to review!

WOW. Asenath told Joseph right to his face, that there was no God. Like no actual God. The God. Wow... she has some spirit, and quite a bit of stupidity to her. Not only was that pretty dumb to say to somebody's face, it was particularly dumb to say to Joseph. Joseph seems to the kind of character that doesn't have a temper that will be sparked easily, but when it does get sparked, I don't think he will let her get away easily. And if he does... then I'd say he's just about the sweetest, but also the strangest man ever. I honestly don't think he'll try and get even with her for her saying something like that to his face so rudely, but I also think he'll take up this opportunity to maybe try and teach her something from it? To be honest, I'm not sure where this is going quite yet. I know that there is probably going to be some sort of emotional scene in the future when this topic comes up again. I mean, there has to be, or else you'll be leaving something unchecked. xD Guess I'll have to find out.

What I'm also curious about is this marriage between Oni and the steward. I'm not exactly a big fan of arranged marriages-although they have been convenient in the past-but in this case I think it was a good idea for the two to be married. (Or them planning on it at least. They aren't married yet xD) Will help tie Joseph's household along with Asenath's past life. Sorta connect it, in my mind.

Come with me to the bathroom


Well I know this is rather weird to mention, but... did they really call the bathroom the bathroom back then? I just thought I'd mention that it did sound a bit strange at first, and I'd suggest researching and just making sure that there wasn't some other name or something. Always remember to always research when writing anything. (Just thought I'd mention)

Don’t speak with such rudeness


Alright, here I was confused at first. For starters, how was Oni rude? I mean, all she was doing was telling Asenath what Joseph was doing. Just following orders! If of course, that was intentional to make Asenath seem rude herself or something, then good job. Cause it sure did it.

After she dressed in a tasteful (and modest)


Alright, like one of your previous reviewers I didn't like how this was in parentheses. But unlike her, I think it's necessary to tell us that it's modest. So maybe go into how exactly it's modest in a later sentence. Maybe the one directly after it?

After all, I think it is important that we know that she is now dressing modestly because Joseph wished her to. Even though I'm not exactly up to date with Egyptian ways and stuff, I can still understand why she would instantly start following her husbands wishes. I mean, these days a wife would toss whatever her husband just said or ordered out the door, and do whatever she wants. I see though, that it's different here, and I really like that.

“My lady, Zaphenath-paneah has three acres of grape vineyards a few miles away. That is mostly my concern. Here there are thirty gardeners for the twenty gardens, twenty cooks, fifteen maids, five stable boys, three messenger boys, thirty musicians and dancer, twenty others, and forty guards. The fruit from our gardens go to the storeroom or the kitchen. Extras are given to the poor.”


This part I was concerned about, mainly because this guy sounded like he was just reciting something. I mean, I don't recall you ever saying that he had a sheet of paper or something to get all the numbers off of, but it sure did sound like he was reciting it off of some paper or something. Another reason why it may sound like that, is because it's all in one unbreakable paragraph. Maybe go into a little bit of description while the steward is talking, in-between numbers and the like.

The god speaks and lives! Pharaoh thinks that you are a god!”


I'm confused by this bit of text here. Is she talking about Pharaoh or something? Or what... I'm really confused by what she means here.

OK, overall it seems you've set up the playing field pretty darn well. You placed a reasonable amount of tension in the way of their marriage being smooth, and you've also showed that there is something to Joseph that she wasn't aware of. God showed him parts of the future, and being a pagan she doesn't think that', that's the case. She just thinks he's doing that to get into power. Which in the real world... that wouldn't be below anybody really.

Your dialogue is pretty good. I mean in little bits and pieces, there's spots where it's a little un-realistic, but a quick run through will fix that. It's not a big deal at the moment. I think this story is mainly moved along by characters and storyline mainly, and that is awesome in my opinion. Keep it up!

Keep writing!

~Cricket




Aravis10 says...


Yeah, it's probably not called a bathroom. I know they had like shower rooms, but I'm not really sure what they called it. I'll look into it! I mentioned before that "Zaphenath-paneah" means "the god speaks and lives." But I can try to remind the readers of that since it was 2 or 3 chapters ago. Thank you for your reviews! I love that I can count on you to not quit half way. :)





xD Will do my best to not quit! lol my last reviewing assignment I didn't quit on, so you shouldn't be worried at all. :D



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 7:24 pm
Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!
Oh no! It's stuck in the Green Room! Do not fear; Knight Wolfie to the rescue!
The sunrise with Joseph was lovely. I loved how he handled her silence and prayed before the meal.
When Asenath gave Oni her husband, Oni's reaction was less than spectacular. She was going to get a husband! Shouln't she be more grateful and excited? “Thank you! I can’t even express how happy I am!” just doesn't cut it.
Ohhhhhh!!! So I do know this Joseph!!!! It's the Joseph with the rainbow coat, is it not? He had the dreams, no, the Pharaoh had the dreams, with the cows and the wheat.... Wow!!!! This all makes sense to me know!!! I know why he was a slave before, and why he is now of such high ranking! He explained everything to the Pharaoh and what all the dreams meant... I am just rambling on now.
Yes, as I read on, I see that I am correct! This is so exciting!

“He is the God that created all Heaven and Earth. He is so majestic that His glory cannot be made into an image.”

How wonderful!! I'm so happy that I adopted a book with so many religious elements!! :D
So, wow. This chapter explained so much and my mind is spinning!!! Great job!! When I look back at all the chapters I have read so far, everything is coming into place!!! You set everything up so wonderfully and you did a great job!!!!! Onto the next chapter!

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Tue Jun 17, 2014 6:29 pm
Moriah Leila wrote a review...



Hello there. I saw that this hadn't gotten any reviews yet, so I thought I would check it out. Even though I haven't read the previous chapters, I am very intrigued by what I have read. Your plot is so clear, that it doesn't even matter that I have come in on the 12th chapter, although I do intend to read the other chapters.


“I’m sorry. I knew that you wouldn't want to be woken, but it is the first hour of the day and my lord told me that he had something to do with you before he left at the second hour and…I thought…”


I noticed that some of your dialogue seems unnecessary. Make sure that when you use dialogue it is being used to either move the plot along, helping us to understand your characters better or even being used to develop the setting. Read your dialogue out loud. If it feels stilted, awkward or like it is interrupting the general flow of the story I would consider cutting it out.

After she dressed in a tasteful (and modest) cream and dark yellow tunic,


Why is modest in parenthesis? Furthermore, I think there is such a thing as using too many adjectives. When it comes to your character which is more important to her? Being charming or being proper? I would pick which one best defines her when picking adjectives to describe her fashion choices.

She said nothing.


Here you are trying to establish a pattern of her ignoring his every attempt at conversation. However, it got repetitive rather quickly. Try to come up with creative ways to describe her vow of silence. For instance you could say:

She clamped her mouth shut, her lips a thin line.


Putting on his wig and headpiece, he left.


This is something I love about reading historical fiction. All the little details about the different fashions and strange customs, that we don't have today. Take a moment to expand on what exactly his wig and headpiece looked like. To be honest, when I first read this I imagined one of those white curly wigs that they wore in France during the 18th century even though I know this story is set in ancient(?) Egypt.

“Good. You may go. Chef, tonight we will have stuffed and roasted duck. And I want my lunch in the shade garden.”


What is the duck stuffed with? Is this food historically & geographically accurate? Once again, here is a moment for you to give us a little snippet of the past by ordering a dish that perhaps is foreign to modern times.

“Oni, you are to be married.”

“My lady! To Msrah!”

“Yes.”

“Thank you! I can’t even express how happy I am!”


I take issue with this arrangement for a couple of reasons. First of all, why is it important to the plot that Oni is to be married to Msrah? Secondly, unless I am missing some back story here, I do not think Oni would be that over-zealous about an arranged marriage. I mean, it appears to me that Asenath herself was forced into an arranged marriage and look at how unhappy she is. Would she really inflict that same punishment on someone else?

The rest of the morning was spent sorting money, linen clothing, jewelry, pots, and little idols.


Use your senses to describe this moment. Perhaps the linen is lightly scented with the perfume of jasmine, the jewels capture the sun's rays in a brilliant display, the cold clank of the coins, the smoothness of the carved idols, the taste of rich spices. You get the point. These are gifts of luxury, let us bask in their opulence.

It was a circular grove of persea and tamarisk trees. The branches were low, and their shadows offered a chance to shelter from the sun. In the center, a white pillar stood upright. Vines were connected from the top of the pillar to the tops of the trees like a spoked wheel.


I like your description of the setting here. I could literally imagine the garden in my mind. Don't hesitate to add scents to the garden. Usually, how it smells is one of the first things I notice when I am outdoors.

The afternoon passed stale and sleepy.


I really liked this turn of phrase. Very creative.

She thought, “At least, back at the painted house, I had real work to do.”


This confused me because for the most part you had been telling the story in the limited-omniscient POV, which means you as the narrator know absolutely everything about Asenath and every piece of knowledge in that character's mind, but your knowledge is "limited" to that character—that is, the narrator cannot describe things unknown to the focal character. So that means that you shouldn't be imparting Oni's personal thoughts to us.

The dinner was festive with smoky roasted duck stuffed with corn and vegetables.


Ah, here is that stuffed duck again. We already know what they're eating since Asenath discussed it with the cook earlier.

I loathe this marriage, but I cannot ruin his political career.


Why? If she truly hates him or the idea of being married to him, wouldn't she look for every probable way to get out of the marriage? A man is defined by his career. If you wanted to hit him where it hurts, then Asenath would try to destroy his political career. If this doesn't serve the plot then I would cut this thought out altogether, as it is a contradiction.

He added perfumes to the water and continued to massage.


What does the perfume smell like? If you need help describing scents check out this article by Tenyo. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=150&t=99239

“He is the God that created all Heaven and Earth. He is so majestic that His glory cannot be made into an image.”


Such a powerful statement!


I love your plot. Your character development of Joseph & Asenath is great. I can't wait to read the other chapters! I hope this has been helpful. If you have any questions or need any help, don't hesitate to pm me!




Aravis10 says...


Thank you so much! It is so good to get a different opinion! I struggle with balance in description, most of the time it is either too much or not enough. Oni is a slave so that's why the arranged marriage. Asenath doesn't want to ruin his political career because she sort of likes Joseph, but she doesn't want to be married. It's a complex emotion. Anywho... thanks again!




You wanna be a writer? You don't know how or when? Find a quiet place, use a humble pen.
— Paul Simon