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The Siege, Chapter two:Failure (part 2/3)

by Alchemist


Word count for the whole chapter: 6.511

Alice

At the end of the tunnel, they reached a wall where all of the bullets she had fired ended up rammed into. After all the bodies they went through, bullets were thin like needles, but clear, without a single drop of blood on them.

Shael took the other road alone only moments before it happened, and it was only her, Daston and Dan remaining together.

That’s when their walk turned into an open brawl. That lone soldier who first appeared before them yelled to freeze, before her sniper blew his torso apart. He was not older than she was. The kid with his whole life before him, manipulated by the government of the state. What was this world they lived in?

For a moment, she felt like a complete bad guy, ruining peace and killing innocent people. But she trusted Shael with all of her hearth. Something wicked was going on, behind all the disgusting things she already knew, and there was no one else to stop it all. Some men had to fall for the freedom of everyone, for the sake of truth. There is no revolution without blood.

Several more shocked men ran into Daston's bullets. He missed so many of them but fired them so relentlessly that they were all shot down.

None of them was ever in a real battle. So why am I different from them?

They were pressed. She started using normal bullets, equally deadly on shorter distances. Actually, she was really good with using sniper at short distance combat which was unusual and for most of people, unexpected. They fought their way to the large room with dozens of smaller rooms around, and they were taking cover in one of them. Soldiers blew the door away but they were unable to storm in; now both groups were in a stalemate position.

“There is more than hundred soldiers out there. What do we do?” it was Daston with his cold voice. She was afraid of the calmness this man held. After all he have lived through, this had to be nothing more but a mask. This is a man who made a bloodbath in the middle of the capital one year ago, all alone. He couldn’t be just a normal person.

“We wait”, Dan said. He wasn’t even worried, scribbling something into his notebook, completely focused. “They will throw the gas bomb soon.”

Dan seemed to know every little detail about the plan. Why was she spared of such knowledge? She was more than capable to remember it all. And there was no way Shael would ever think of her giving up information. Then why?

She had heard the hissing of the bomb just in time. Stepping out on the doorway, she blew it back with one precise shot. The soldiers never fired a bullet at her, completely surprised with her action.They are the best of what The State has to offer, but they are stil all kids.Rain of bullets followed through the doorway just as she stepped away, to the safety of the wall.

The smoke would buy them some time. They had to reach the main complex soon.

“Time for the grenade, Ali”, Dan said, lost in thoughts.Ali? I will make you eat the grenade!Nevertheless she kept her cool. She is Shael’s elite solder. She could do anything. The grenade slowly rolled on the ground, into the smoke. As soon as the blast happened, Dan ran to the other corner of the room.

The grenade was there only to blind the soldier’s heat sensors. They were armed good enough to survive usual blasts, but this one didn’t blast to kill, it was there to warm them up.

Dan revealed a small passage in the wall. “Move”, he ordered. Daston went in first with her following, and Dan sealing the place where they entered.I wonder how Shael discovered this passage.It was only matter of time before the soldiers have found their escape route. It’s not that it mattered, at all, anyway.

They climbed the ladder down for a few minutes. They must have gone deep down, more than hundred meters. She finally saw Daston in front of her, jumping down. They will make their entrance on top of one of the giant pipes leading out of the fort. The ladders stopped three meters above the ground, so she had to jump too.

Soon they all followed the giant pipe. Electrical installations were all over the place as well as many other, smaller pipes. It was quite a sinister place to be.Not considering that we are inside the Mountain. Damn.

“Don’t be afraid, darlin’ ”, Daston said not even turning back; it reminded her of Shael.

“I’m just wandering what is he doing now”, she said, but she was also scared to death. She had never thought for a second it could happen; her being scared again, after all she had been through.

“It’s none of our concern”, Dan joined their conversation, annoyed.

I will kill you.But before she came to imagine a scene of Dan dying most painful deaths, he continued:”But don’t worry, Hashi and Fade have made enough noise so far. They won’t be too concerned about us, or Shael, if they ever notice him.”

She absolutely hated Dan for having all these information. Wasn’t she Shael’s soldier? “Just what exactly are they doing”, angrily she brushed off.

“Well, considering these two are the army themselves, they had probably already broken all of the outer defenses with ease.”

She was surprised. What she had done so far was wipe off a platoon before the poor kids even knew what was going on, and then got stuck surrounded. Considering the Fort’s outer layout, there were four more defendable stages on this side. There was no way she could clear them all alone. Just what were these two men?

“Don’t be so concerned, Alice”, he continued, “we are not the main force, but we will certainly have equally important job done.”

She didn’t realize she was pouting.Guess I didn’t expect the company to be so skilled. Everyone is really good at what they are supposed to do. Why did I think it was just me?

Soon they are stepping into the unknown. The truth is, Shael have only had plans of this layer of the Fort, backside outer defenses. Actually, she was rather impressed by the Fort defenses so far. There was no way for a human being to enter this place without the permission. It was only that the Shael was something more than a human that allowed them to do what they are trying to.

They wouldn’t survive if they are constantly in combat. Yes, they escaped for now, but the soldiers have certainly already found their escape route, and have blocked all the possible exits. She will have to fight few more times before they reach the checkpoint. It was all going exactly according to the plan;plan which was bound to fail.

“Daston, you are bleeding!” she had almost yelled in surprise. His rather pale, almost healed scars across the face were slowly bleeding now. Few moments ago they were barely noticeable, so how could the wounds open now?

“Yes…” his voice was tired as he replied. But he haven't changed his pace, or showed any signs of exhaustion. “Don’t you worry about me, this is not significant. Just follow the plan.”

Dan didn’t even seem to have noticed their conversation. He was still lost in thoughts, checking his notebook from time to time. Being the only one who was certain they will fail, she couldn’t guess why have he even come with them.He will betray us. I better make sure it won’t happen. That might be the exact reason why are we certain to fail. Well, Danny-boy, I’ve got bad news for you.

“Why are you smiling?” he asked her, completely serious.

“It’s none of your concern”, she replied, satisfied.

“We are not in position to smile, or get lost in thoughts. Concentrate, Ali”, he scolded her, acting like a father before naughty kid.

Shael, I’m afraid you didn’t train me well enough. I will kill him.

“We reached the end”, Daston broke the silence. There was wall before them, and a ladder leading up, through a small opening on the ceiling. The pipe led straight through the wall.

She filled in new round of penetrator bullets. The heat sensor attached to the gun was ready. This heat sensor of hers was just a tiny bit better than the ones soldiers here had; it had two meters range of advantage. And that was essential to the plan. All the soldiers will fall before they even find her.

Moving slowly, barely half a step, she caught pale heat signature above. Daston and Dan stood few meters behind, leaving this job for her alone. They thought they had the ambush ready, but those two meters she had were precious. The bullets flew straight through the wall, towards the soldier. She could see the blood sprinkling around. Instantly, more heat signatures appeared, but she moved few steps behind. If she were to be seen for just a second, they all die. As soon as the red color became pale again, shots followed.

Confused soldiers started shooting the tunnel they were supposed to climb, clueless about where she was. In a matter of seconds, they all fell. Stepping forward, she caught more signatures. They started retreating, but she wouldn’t let any man run. Few more bullets, and none of them remained.

Gun that would fire bullets through the wall. This weapon never ceased to amaze her.

“Clear”, she stated. But it was still on her to do the job. Swiftly, she took different parts of the gun and replaced the ones already attached. The only visible change was the wider barrel. One of the fatter bullets she had around her waist found its way inside. Significantly louder shot blew the wall right in front of them.

Daston ran. His face was still bloody, but his scars were now healed. She hated not knowing all the details. The gramps was something, but she couldn’t figure out what exactly.Could it be… he was the one they experimented upon?

But she had no time to think. They had to be swift now; open combat was out of the question, and it would mean certain failure. The group of three entered the Mountain’s sewers.


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Tue Dec 30, 2014 8:23 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Alchemist!

I have really been taking my time when it gets to reviewing things so I know this is long overdue. I hope this review still is of some use to you. :)

I have to say this was my favourite chapter of them all so far. I think I liked this so much better because so far Alice is my favourite character and this was all from her perspective. Also, there were fewer grammar and punctuation mistakes than in the previous chapters, and the writing style is perfect for the emotions Alice is showing. Although she always feels one step ahead of all the other soldiers, she doesn't know the complete plan and isn't doing the main part which is making her wonder just how important she is. She didn't realize that the people she was working with were so talented as well, denting her self worth all the more. I loved reading this and I hope by the little suggestions I have given before you can make this chapter the best it can be. If all the rest are like this then I know I will enjoy the rest of your novel :)

At the end of the tunnel, they reached a wall where all of the bullets she had fired ended up rammed into.


There isn't anything necessarily wrong with this sentence but I have a feeling you could make this more descriptive so that we feel more of a threat by seeing how many bullets she has been firing. Let the image sink home of the battle they are having emotionally for the readers as well. So instead of saying there was a door peppered with bullets, have Alice looking at the chipped wall now pimpled with all the bullets she has fired and examine it in awe, wondering how many of those shots had hit home. Give it a bit more importance and indirectly it will add to setting and emotion as well. Alice does strike me as someone who is trained to kill and yet is thoughtful at the same time. Especially as she mentions that although these brainwashed soldiers are innocent, death is still necessary for a revolution.

But she trusted Shael with all of her hearth


I think you mean 'heart' instead of hearth.

There is no revolution without blood.


Because all of this story is in past tense it felt strange to have the sudden switch to present. I think the 'is' should be made into a 'was'. However, if you were trying to make this sentence long lasting (as in there is, and never will be a revolution without blood,) then the key word you are missing here is 'never'. Form the sentence differently so the tense doesn't matter. Like so: There will never be a revolution with blood. It has more finality to it.

Several more shocked men ran into Daston's bullets.


I feel like here is another chance to put a bit more description into it. These are dying men, and you need to make that fact matter a bit more to us. Show us how their faces were shocked instead of telling us. Describe how their mouths opened with a cry as their eyes went wide from pain as blood spurted out of their bodies. Or show a face on the ground, eyes open and staring into the distance as blood seeped out of him, as he is already dead. That will help the image of the dead and the high number really hit home. Remember, even if masses of people are dying in a story, picking out a few for description can help bring the emotional levels of a reader up. Desensitizing them is not a good idea because when it comes to reading, emotion is what readers crave.

None of them was ever in a real battle.


I wonder, how did Alice know none of them had ever been in a real battle? A few of them could've been? Or is it something in the way they fight? Either take this assumption out or show us the reason why Alice has reason to believe so.

They were pressed.


I think the word you were really looking for here is 'surrounded' instead of 'pressed.'

“Just what exactly are they doing”,


You seem to have the habit of putting the comma on the outside of the speech marks. I was always taught that they should go on the inside, and when it comes to published books this is also the most common form of doing it (if there are even other ways, which there might be.) So I would strongly suggest you start putting the commas on the inside of the speech marks throughout all your chapters. But it doesn't matter for the quote above much anyway since that should really end in a question mark due to it being a question.

She will have to fight few more times before they reach the checkpoint.


I think you need an 'a' in between the words 'fight' and 'few'.

It was all going exactly according to the plan;plan which was bound to fail.


Don't forget the space after the colon there! I also think you need the end of the sentence to read like this: a plan which Alice believed was bound to fail. Don't say it like it is fact that they will fail because it is simply Alice's opinion and not one they all share. That's just something to be careful of doing.

“Daston, you are bleeding!” she had almost yelled in surprise.


I like this mention of mystery at Daston. But I think we should see it before she says it. What I mean is show us her eyes shifting to Daston and her thoughts as she realizes that he is hurt before she says anything. That way the focus is on the matter for a bit longer, and you're showing instead of telling all the time as well. Showing and not telling is something I have noticed you should look out for. I do understand that it is hard to know when an opportunity arises to show instead of telling though, so I will give you that :)

All the soldiers will fall before they even find her.


That makes this sound like a final and determined already case although it isn't. Maybe soften it a bit so we know it's what Alice thinks will happen instead of what will be happening for sure. For example, something like: With this weapon Alice was sure all the soldiers would fall before they even found her.

Significantly louder shot blew the wall right in front of them.


You either need to add an 's' to the end of the word shot, or add the word 'A' to the beginning of this sentence for it to make sense.

And that is all I can really help you with here! You've got a great chapter and the plot is definitely moving forward for sure. I look forward to reading the next installment now and finishing off this chapter. Great job ^.^

Image

Deanie x




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Sun Jul 13, 2014 7:14 pm
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Zontafer wrote a review...



Hello, Zontafer here!
First off, I'd like to apologize for not reviewing this. I haven't really reviewed anything at all lately. :/

(Sorry I didnt quite see the nitpick note at your A/N because I did the nitpicks yesterday and I was quite tired. I guess I'll focus more on the content.)

Nitpicks

After all the bodies they went through, the bullets were thin like needles, but clear, without a single drop of blood on them.


Just a little notice to remember 'the' and 'a/an' before nouns! ^^

Several more shocked man ran into Daston's bullets.


Men*

What do we do?”,


You already got a question mark here, so the comma is not needed.

After all that he had lived through, this had to be nothing more than a mask. After all,


After all twice, I'd suggest you to replace one.

The grenade was there only to blind the soldier’s heat sensors.


If you mean grenades which take out electric equipment, it's called an EMP Grenade, I think. Nothing wrong with this at all, so it isn't really a nitpick. Just telling you if you want to use it. ^^

“I’m just wandering what is Shael doing now”,


wondering*

...why did he even come...


The words are a bit messy here. Why he did even come*
'Why did he even come' is more like a question.

...they all die.


They would all die*

Content
Woah, looks like Alice doesnt like Dan a lot? xD
I love how you're starting to show relationships between characters as we move along the story. It kind of gives me an idea of what Alice thinks when Dan speaks, if that makes sense.

Out of what we get to know in this part, Shael trained Alice to become a soldier?
Does everyone have a specific trainer, or is Shael related to Alice in some way?
I got curious there, haha.

Imagery could be shown more here, it's pretty hard, but just try to describe how everything(not literally everything) looks like, and use some adjectives, so you'll have a good start on it. ;)

Dialogue is pretty interesting. Especially Alice and Dan, as I mentioned above. I don't have really much to say, so I'm just going with 'I like it'. c'x

I don't wanna repeat Noelle and Aurora, so just follow their advices and you'll do great.

Good job! ^^

- Zontafer




Alchemist says...


No worries Zont, thanks for comming back to it! Soon I will go on with editing and follow all the reviews! :D



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:36 am
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TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love! Aurora here for a Review day review! Yay!

Okay, I'm pretty sure you can tell I'm running on coffee and chocolate. I'm sorry, It's 2:30. AM.

Alright, let's get to the review part!

I can respect anyone who posts without editing and isn't looking for a grammatical/typo review. That's what I do, all the time.

So. Let's start off with your intro, shall we?
Opening sentence. Obviously the continuation of a cliffhanger. But no. Just way. Too. Anti-climactic. The reason authors use cliffhangers is to create more adrenalin and anxiety in their readers and to keep them reading. When you have an anticlimactic cliffhanger, well, it's kind of useless.

Here's a hint: Don't let the action break. Keep writing like you are just continuing on the paragraph or dialogue from the last chapter. What I usually do is I just keep writing, making a mental note to start a new chapter at 'x' place. Then, when I'm done writing the fight scene, I go back and I put a new chapter in there. Stopping and then starting again breaks the flow and makes it sound odd :).

Another thing (and I'm guilty of this myself): You left the last chapter with a cliffhanger, right? Don't do it again this chapter. If you do it a lot, your readers will become numb to cliffhangers, and then where would we be?

I really like the way you describe thoughts and people in this chapter. Now, I'd like some surroundings too. Throw some imagery in there!

Keep persisting, love.
~Aurora




Alchemist says...


Hi there!

I think you overlooked that this is only a part two of the chapter. So what I did makes sense. Also, there wasn't really any action concerning these characters in the previous part, actually it was done with it, and this continues where it stopped. And yet again, there is a part three, so I don't think I've concluded with a cliffhanger :P

Thanks for pointing out I need to work on surrounding, I really agree on that, and hopefully will be worked on. Thanks for a review! :)





Oh. That I did. Sorry. I was so tired when I wrote this. ;)



Alchemist says...


it's no problem, I'm glad you reviewed, you were pretty harsh but I always appreciate being honest! And you were quite helpful anyway so I've got nothing to complain about :D





Aww, sorry about the harshness. A lot of people are feeling this way after reading my reviews form last night, I think.



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Fri May 30, 2014 6:12 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Real quick before I forget, this chapter is entitled Chapter Three. I think you meant for it to be Chapter Two :3

So I see you took my advice (and probably other people's advice too) and put the character's name at the beginning. That makes it a lot more clear.

That’s when their walk turned into an open brawl.

Okay, I get the overall image here. But only after I read after I read a little farther into the next paragraph. I think this is the point to take the opportunity to describe just what the group is facing. How many people did they run into? Was it actually a brawl or was it more like an even fight? I'm not saying you have to give us exact numbers of how many people came up to stop them, but just find a way to give us a general idea. It could even just be a short sentence of description. It really doesn't need to be much.

Here's a quick nitpick:
I wander wonder how did Shael discovered this passage?


Could it be… he was the one they experimented upon?

Ah, we've hit something supernatural here, huh? What exactly is this experiment and why is it that Alice knows about it? I'm super interested now. I like how you just throw this in there nonchalantly. There's no explanation of it or anything. It's just there. That's a pretty good tactic in novel writing. Since you have so many pages left for you to fill up before it's finished, you can afford to sneak something in here like that and let it just dangle in the reader's mind for a while; make them wonder what exactly is going on.

I like how you really focus on Alice in this chapter. In the beginning when she was first introduced, I thought she was just going to be this girl who tagged along and got dragged through all this chaos. But now that I've read on, I've realized that she is one of their best fighters. And it's really interesting seeing that she is slightly jealous of Hashi and Fade. She wants to be the only super fighter.

We also get a good look at your other characters in this chapter even though you're focusing on Alice. And again, this is interesting because we're getting to know them through Alice's eyes. They could be a completely different person than what she thinks. But it doesn't matter because our first impression of them is going to be whatever Alice thinks of them.

As for your plot, it's starting to come together. Right now, we're just seeing what it's like for them to fight through this building. Hopefully they'll get through soon and we'll understand the full reason that they're there and what they're fighting for. We get tiny glimpses of background information throughout this part of the chapter, which I think is awesome. Keep that up as you continue on.

Alright, onto the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Alchemist says...


First of all, I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier, but I SWEAR it didn't show up in notifications!

I'm really glad of how what i intended to show reached the reader(heh xD), and im happy since it is not the first time. And well, maybe you forgot since no one here is reading things alltogether, but they had biographies of each other before everything started, as well as detailed plan of what they are going to do, so thats where she learned about the experiments. :)

Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)




We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead