Over the next few days, Amber learned who everyone was and made a new friend. Her name was Ashley and she was tall with long, blond hair. Today she wore a long, floral patterned dress. She was around Amber's age; she was coming up to eighteen. The two girls would talk to each other about all kinds of things. Amber was grateful she had found such a good, reliable friend. She had never had such a close friend before.
There were dozens of tents around the camp. There was also a training area where people learnt how to use swords and cross bows. The camp was surrounded by trees and grass. Everyone seemed to be expecting an attack. It was all anyone seemed to talk about these days. Day in, day out there were meetings and training. None of which the girls were allowed to go to. The men were very stern that women and children would not be fighting or taking part. They were to be taken to a safe place instead.
Amber and Ashley were sitting on the grass outside discussing boys and clothes when they heard the scream. It was a loud, female scream filled with pure terror. Instantly men ran towards the sound, weapons at the ready. The girls quickly scrambled to their feet, terrified. They found Benjamin and he hurried them into a tent.
"Be very quiet and don't leave the tent," he told them before running to help the others.
After a few minutes, the sound of battle could be heard outside as swords clashed and more people screamed. The girls huddled together for comfort.
Someone entered the tent. It was a tall, dark haired man. He was dressed in battle gear, holding the hilt of a long, sharp sword. Neither of the girls recognized him, and they knew he must be one of the attackers. He had a terrible scar that seemed to stretch across his face, and his eyes looked wild.
"Go away!" Amber shouted at him boldly.
The man looked at her, regarding her with his wild eyes. He strode over to the girls and grabbed Amber roughly by the arm. He pulled her away from Ashley and walked back to the tent entrance with her. She tried to pull herself free, but his grip was like iron. Ashley called out her name several times, panic and fear in her voice.
Amber and her captor walked towards the woods. A man tried to help Amber, but her captor was too quick and and stabbed him with his sword. Amber wanted to scream, but the man had his hand covering her mouth. She struggled, kicking the man as hard as she could, but he just kicked back harder. Her eyes stung with the pain. After what seemed to Amber like hours of walking through the woods, they just stopped. The dark haired man roughly pushed her. She fell on her hands and knees. When she tried to get back up, he hit her, causing her to fall back down in pain. She started to cry.
"Why are you doing this?" she asked through her tears.
The man grinned cruelly.
"You don't need to know that," he said.
"You don't have to do this."
There was no answer. The man was looking behind her. He suddenly looked terrified.
Amber looked behind her and froze. She was looking at some mind of creature. It looked a bit like a unicorn with wings. It was beautiful, but also frightening. Amber felt the fury radiating from the creature, but somehow she knew it was directed at the man, and not her.
Amber looked at the man that had just seconds ago been hitting her and laughing about it. Now he was whimpering, his hands up, backing away. The creature suddenly charged directly at him, sending the man running away in fear.
Seconds later, the creature returned. It looked calmer now. For a moment, Amber wondered what had become of the dark haired man. She decided she didn't really care. She watched the creature apprehensively. It looked steadily back at her for a moment, then turned and walked away. Amber watched it leave, questions going round in her head. Why had it saved her? How did it know she needed help? Would she ever see it again?
She looked around her. Trees surrounded her in every direction she looked. She had no idea where she was, and no idea where to go.
She was lost.
End of chapter
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Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
Wow, so I can tell that this is going to be such a high octane, action packed novel. So far, Amber has been through a lot. And she isn't even a part of his world! Or at least, she was transported to this world and wasn't born into it.
I'm a little confused about this man, this warrior. Why on earth did he pull her into the woods? If he wanted to see her suffer, he could've just done it there outside the tent. It seemed pointless for him to drag her all the way into the woods to do it. Unless he had to do that in order for you to introduce the creature.
Onto the plot. Well, I think that the beginning of your chapter is quite rushed. It's like you just wanted to get through the boring part of Amber making a friend so you could get to the action. I know the feeling; I get it nearly every time I start writing a new chapter. But alas, we must be a bit more patient and get through the "boring stuff" first.
Believe it or not, I would really love to know more about Ashley. I want to know more about the people that Amber meets. Besides, if we knew more about Ashley and how the two of them met, it would make for a more intense scene when Amber is getting dragged from the tent. Because right now that scene is lacking emotion. Sure we know that Amber is freaking out, but she should totally have a great reason to. Maybe she and Ashley promised to take care of each other and never let anything bad happen to the other. Amber would probably be worrying about Ashley just as much as Ashley was worrying about her.
You've got an interesting story here. I'm definitely intrigued and I really want to know what happens to Amber next. I do hope that we see more character development in later chapters. Really pull us in and show us your characters. Show us how they feel, how they think, how they live; everything.
Let me know when the next chapter is out!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you for your review. It is very helpful.
Hello Christina, Wolf here for a review.
I'll start off with some technical things:
This was such a glaring mistake, it was very hard to move on. Also, it didn't make much sense. Here is a correction (I hope this is what it was meant to say):
Amber learned who everyone was , and she made a new friend.
I'm very curious why this is in a paragraph of it's own. It just ruins the flow of the paragraph with that abrupt interjection on it's own line.
So, even though I haven't known this character for very long not reading the first chapters and all, this doesn't seem very realistic. Usually people aren't too terrified to scream; if they are terrified they want to scream. If you don't want Amber making a sound, I would suggest to make it so the captor is covering her mouth instead.
I don't think leered is the right word to use here. Maybe leaned over?
So overall this chapter was well written, but it seemed slightly too told. What I mean by that is there are too many statements, 'She did this. He did that. It did this. They spoke.' I don't see much detail. What's the camp look like? Where is everything located? What do they do when they train?
Also a lot of things didn't seem very realistic. How did no one notice Amber was being dragged away? What were the man's motives, because usually people don't just go around beating people up. Also whats up with the creature? She sees this angry, strange creature and she's not at all scared by it? Just the little things matter.
This is a cool concept, and with some little tweaking, this will be amazing! Keep writing,
~Wolfare
Thank you for the review.