Life Story

Hey Ulala, Strange here and I have a review for you on this fantastic and awesome Review Day.
I can't say more than it was interesting. This was the most absurd poem I have seen on here. I mean that in a good way, too. I thought this was really good as in delivering crude humor. I'm a crude person so I loved this, as others didn't. I love the use of Bananal, as that was just hilarious. There is a part where the narrator says they're aroused, and that's something I've never seen before. I also never seen a bananal, which now I have to think about it. One of the best things about this poem is the ending.

the BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Hmm. I saw your reply to the previous reviewer, and I would suggest that if you're not looking for members to take your work seriously and review it with constructive criticism that you post it somewhere else like your YWS blog or as your status or something like that, 'cause since you've posted it here, we see it as a literary work that we need to review and help to improve, YA KNOW?! haha

So here's my attempt at reviewing something well enough that you suddenly DO care about it and want to edit it.

Believe it or not, I think there is a place in poetry for a poem like this. Have you heard of absurdism? It's a movement based on, well, basically what we would see as bein' crazy and meaningless. Here's a nice example poem for ya. So could you possibly see your poem through that lens? If you did and just tried to take it seriously, where would you want to improve?

I'd look at this line for sure:

My after looks up at me and calls me a faggot.

It only increases my export of tears

Hey! I really like the way this poem was written but I think it could have done with a little more editing; there are obvious spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Forgive me if the spelling mistakes were intentional but I just felt the need to point them out.

A few suggestions…

“Thru wind and rain and sunny skies” --> Abbreviation is great, it makes the English language so much easier but sometimes it’s better to use the actual word. Using “thru” here interrupts the flow of the poem, it also seems very juvenile.

“My after looks up at me and calls me a faggot” --> Well that’s not very nice! I’m not sure what you meant by “after” though, father maybe?

“It only increases my export of tears” --> Export is not the right word to use here, it doesn’t fit and it sounds awkward. Something like this would work better: “It only increases my tears”.

“It makes me so sad that I fall out of the tree” --> I don’t like the use of “so” here, it sounds too forced. Maybe try something like this: “It hurts me so much that I fall out of the tree”. I know I used “so” again but “so sad” is too overused.

“I fall onto a large stick at the bottom and get impaled” --> Well that must have hurt! I would use “become impaled” instead of “get”.

“The pain makes me cry even more.” --> I’ve never been impaled but I feel like I would do more than cry, maybe say this instead: “The pain increases making me cry harder and scream”.

“Tree feels bad for me and reaches over” --> There should be a “the” in front of tree where the tree is an object. I would also reword this: “The tree feels bad and reaches for me”.

“It picks me up with its mighty branches and sets me back up” --> “Up” is repetitive. Reword to: “It picks me up with its mighty branches and makes me stand”.

“I'm getting very moisty now and the tree won't stop” --> “Moisty” is not a word and most times that’s okay because poetry is full of free expression but I would change it to “moist” or use another word. Personally I don’t like the word moist, it grosses me out but this is your poem not mine!

“Did I mention it was a banana tree” --> Question mark after “tree”.

“It proceeds to give me a bananal” – Love the word play but “bananal” should be in single quotations where it is a made up word so like this: ‘bananal’.

“the BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ” --> I’m not quite sure what this was about but there is no need to have over ten E’s and Z’s, it’s overkill and just three of each will do the trick!

Overall, I thought this poem was pretty good! It’s unique and I like the twist but I do think it needs a bit of work, like I said it doesn’t look like it was edited much. Some of the sentences and word choices were off and that made it come off as juvenile which it is not.

I’m sorry if I came off as sounding harsh because I did really like this poem, I won’t review a poem unless I see it has potential. If you need anything or have any questions or would just like some help to re-write this feel free to PM me