Note: This is written in a different language, so I couldn't translate one word that doesn't exist in english.We say something like 'harsh Sun' when it's cold, but sunny. So I used that expression.
Apprehension
Is what I’m hearing an overture? It’s a melodic sound, but lacks crescendo. Some scores give a hint that the rhythm might change. Will it be obvious in a minute? Will I ever find myself in the middle of the Hungarian Dance, remembering the times I spent spinning around during the monotonous prelude?
As I write these words, I find it harder and harder to ignore the red glare in the corner of my eye. Although I usually enjoy playing endurance games with myself, this time I cast a glance and fixate it on the red light behind an open glass door. Rays make a distorted shape, with the fence's sharp shadow elongated towards the floor. Warm colour, cold structure - it resembles a fauvistic painting. Ice spreads through my vertebrates, across my neck, lips, eyes and deeper. I can't look at anything else. The minute-hand is frozen. I can't tell if the Sun, whose rays have engrossed me, is rising or setting, just as I can't decide if it is the Sun's harshness that froze me, or is it my own. If I'm sure of something, if this disappearance of time is just a temporary glitch, it is that once the hand starts ticking again something will change fundamentally. I want to see if it's really the rising Sun that lightens the wall, or my gut is right and the red marks are cast by a gory, burning city. If only I could move.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
This is a really beautiful and true to the singular moment. The imagery is vivid and clear - I could not only picture it in my head as I read it, but I also felt a strange mixture of anxiety and peace.
I loved the vocabulary - the remarkable simplicity of it. The imagery is tight, and visceral.
I did find there were a few too many questions in the beginning. If the goal was to convey self-doubt, then in my opinion, one or two concise questions would fair better.
"As I write these words, I find it harder and harder to ignore the red glare in the corner of my eye."
I would remove/reword this sentence. To me, the framework begins with the abstraction of emotion, and slowly narrows to the physical, present being of doing something. That sentence doesn't quite fit in this case.
Overall, the message quite a strong one, but it is hidden in some clutter. I think it can be shortened to make the point even stronger and clearer. I'd also like to see a bit of creativity in introducing these emotional concepts (i.e. I want, I'm sure, I can't tell, I can't decide, I enjoy ... Too homogeneous! )
Thanks for the review!
I agree with you, especially with the last point. I'll change it up a bit when I find time.
Cheers!
Hello, moment, wisegirl22 celebrating a very personal Fake Review Day!
In the beginning of your thing, I see crescendo is misspelled.
"It’s a melodic sound, but lacks cresendo."
And not long after, I spotted a question in desperate need of a question mark.
"Will I ever find myself in the middle of the Hungarian Dance, remembering the times I spent spinning around during the monotonous prelude."
Again, not long after, something caught my eye. I think you used "time" too much in here; please choose something else.
"If I'm sure of something, if this disappearance of time is just a temporary glitch in fabric of time..."
A little before I noticed...
"I can't tell if the Sun..."
"I can't decide if it is the Sun's harshness that froze me..."
"I want to see if it's really the rising Sun that lightens the wall..."
In all of these examples, I think "Sun" shouldn't be capitalized. 'Scuse me if you think that's a bit irrelevant. This was good, besides those errors, and I enjoyed reading this. I really don't see how it's in a different language. I hope you keep writing, and keep reviewing! Your future depends on what you do right now.
-wisegirl22
Hey. Thanks for the review, I'll correct it right away. It sad originaly in another language, so this is a translation.
Cheers,
Moment
Oh, your welcome!
Woah! This is pretty intense, moment.
It's been a long time since I read a piece of writing that went this deep into a single moment in time, and I loved the richness of it. It covered many senses -- hearing first, of course, and the sight, and then feeling. Missing taste and smell, but the mention of lips and kind of also "gut" evokes the awareness of the mouth, which helps bring even that sensation in as well.
You mentioned you were worried that it sounded a little pretentious, and I think the only part that comes across as such is the "I usually enjoy playing endurance games with myself" -- I think it's because it reveals it as a game, sort of "I'm always in control" rather than an actual challenge for the speaker to overcome. Like, I know I push myself "five more minutes" when running or "don't get bothered that person is chewing with their mouth open", but it never feels as light as a game. That's just a matter of diction!
The other thing is that this line kind of breaks the reality of the situation:
Like I understand the concept of imagining, especially in so intense a moment, but I feel like it pushes the boundary of reasonable doubt too far. Like in this moment, I feel "come on, you don't REALLY think it's a burning city". So I wonder if it would work if written opposite.
"I want to see if the red marks are really cast by a gory, burning city, or my gut is right and it's just the rising Sun that lightens the wall."
Does that feel right to you? It feels better to me.
Anyway, lemme know if you have any questions about this review through PM or a reply!
I look forward to reading more from you here on YWS~ You can PM me whenever!
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
Hey, thanks for the kind words.
The 'endurance game' thing was sort of out of context, I must agree. I mention that, lets say, motive in another part of the letter, so it wouldn't be so unfit to the reader. But maybe I should throw it out.
I puzzled a lot with the gory city too. What I was trying to convey was the feeling of tension caused by not knowing what is to come. So the rising Sun would be something positive and the gory city something negative (duh). I wanted to say I suspect it's the other one, in the lines of 'it's all downhill from now'. I just wasn't sure if I should go all out cataclysmic and stuff (like I did). Your suggestion sound good. It makes it fit in better. Now, I'm thinking of using either what you suggested or maybe just something without so much gore.
Thanks for reviewing! It helped me with some things I've been thinking about too.
Awesome, I'm glad I could help. Be sure to trust your instinct, and whenever you feel something's not quite right, too! You know what you like and don't like!
Okay, so this is a letter, yes? If it is, I think it isn't too pretentious, though the constant use of 'fancy words' make it just a little pretentious.
I like it, though! It's really good! Also, I'm a bit curious as to what language this was originally written. I didn't find any errors to correct, except one.
"Ice spreads through my vertebrates,"
I think you mean vertebrae? Or am I wrong? Aside from that, I don't really find any mistakes. Though if this is a letter, maybe you could indent the first line of each paragraph.
Overall, this was really good and I enjoyed reading it! Also, I noticed that you just joined YWS, so WELCOME!
Continue writing!
Cheers,
GrapeNerd
First of all, thanks for making an effort to review this thing
It was originally in croatian. I did mean vertebrae, I can't say I own any vertebrates. I tried indenting them with tabs, but I somehow ruined everything, so I just gave up.
I had a difficult time choosing some words because I was trying to make the text as close to the original. But yeah, I was thinking about simplifying it and now with another person's encouragement, I think I will.
Thanks again,
boe ties are cool,
cheers!