When the world spirals into anarchy,
And burns like the embers of a new born fire,
Your home the tinder.
You don't give up.
When you wander without a light,
And the blood of your friends,
Paints the roads the deepest red.
You don't give up.
When you can trust no-one,
Forever alone- paranoid,
Of what lies next.
You don't give up.
When you kill the other man,
Blood on your hands,
Poison in your heart.
You don't give up.
When you are beaten and bloodied,
Too the deepest red,
Becoming a shell of a man.
You don't give up.
All hope lost.
You don't give up.
Those empty words no longer fill your heart.
But you follow them still.
Like a priest to his bible.
You don't ever give up.
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128,356 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Happy review day, Alex!
Wow, what a great piece. I really loved the imagery and the overall message of this. It appealed to my dark and twisty yet still hopeful personality.
Just a few things...
"Your home the tinder."
Not too sure what exactly you're trying to say here. If a comma or dash is missing, it needs to be added in. Could just be a typo but it was a little unclear to me without the appropriate punctuation.
"Too the deepest red,"
Should be to*
"Like a priest to his bible.
You don't ever give up."
I would use a comma after the word bible, instead of creating a sentence fragment. There's some improvement that can be done with the punctuation in this piece, just to make it flow a little more smoothly.
Overall, powerful imagery and a solid message. I really love this poem.
Let me know via PM if you have anything else you would like to review!
Tata for now,
- Doc
Hello, happy review day chum!
The description in this was amazing! It gripped me as a reader and pulled me to an interesting end. I like how you stayed true to keeping to only four lines throughout most of the poem. By braking this rule in the final stanza, it becomes more memorable for the reader. The imagery in this is also amazing. *High fives for achievement*
Only improvement: You don't need punctuation at the end of every single line or to capitalise every first word of each line. So basically work on beginnings and endings!
I think that my favourite stanza is this one:
When you can trust no-one,
Forever alone- paranoid,
Of what lies next.
You don't give up.
In this you put the reader on edge as you talk about paranoia and loneliness. I think by using the personal reference of 'you', the reader gets uncomfortable as they are controlled and thrown around by this stanza alone.
This was a lovely poem to read
Notes: work on punctuation, keep writing!(I mean it write more Alex!)
That's all from me,
Godly
Thanks godly!
Hello there, and happy review day!
Wow, this really portrayed a very descriptive and realistic dystopian society. And better yet... it's a poem! I've seen all kinds of dystopian novels and short stories, but never a dystopian poem. That was a bold move, and you pulled it off very well.
Firstly, you have wonderful imagery. The world spiraling into anarchy. Becoming a shell of a man. Those are just two examples of the wonderful way with words you possess. They really turn this piece from ho-hum post-apocalyptic story into a poem, a real work of art.
My biggest nitpick is that you seem to have too many commas at the end of lines. Other times, you have periods where commas should be. I'll take one stanza for an example.
It's mostly little stuff like that. I recommend that you read through this, and ask yourself, "Would there be a pause at the end of that phrase?" It will help you correct such trivial errors.
I like the emphasis on the perseverance that is required in such a world that your poem depicts, although I don't think that the very last line of the poem needs to be bold. The emphasis is there without it being shoved in our faces. Perhaps italics would work better for you there.
Overall, this is a very well-written poem that just needs some editing. Great job, and keep it up!
Hello! Let's get into this review.
First of all, WOW!! What imagery you've got there! I love the repetition of red throughout your poem; it reminds me a lot of Macbeth, which is one of my favorites of anything, so great job! I also really like your use of fragments because to me it sort of symbolizes the character's fragmented inner voice/ heart/ soul (sort of broken as the character is, so to speak). A very creepy and eerie vibe present throughout, which is nice. Bit of a croatoan feel, which I love!
Onto nitpicks:
- Little, itty-bitty grammar tweaks such as line eighteen, stanza five:
"Too the deepest red,"
It SHOULD be:
"To the deepest red,"
You also have a bit too many commas that don't make sense grammatically or rhythmically like in lines 5, 6, 10, and 17.
- Personally, I don't feel each line needs to be capitalized, but that's just me, so ignore this if you like it the way you have it
- All throughout your poem, you end each stanza with "You don't give up" and don't have it in any other place except in the last stanza. Your ending is nice and I like it, but I feel the "you never give up" at the beginning of the last stanza should either be omitted or replaced with something else. Based off your next line I get why you put it there, but it breaks up the nice parallel structure you had established already.
Overall, very nice poem and I wish to see more work from you soon! Happy writing!
- verymaryanna
Thanks!
ohmahgawsh.
I love, this was amazing. It was a total Hunger Games moment for me and now I'm fangirling around my living room great job look what you did. cx. omg.
Anyways, I'm here to review your dystopian poem!
First, there weren't really any spelling mistakes or grammar errors, but there are a few fragments.
Your home the tinder.
Paints the roads the deepest red.
Becoming a shell of a man.
Besides those sentences, this poem was basically utterly perfect.
Thanks for the praise but what is fragmentation?
Have you ever been on Microsoft word and a green squiggley line came up underneath a sentence? That's because the sentence doesn't have a subject or predicate. Example- a fragment would be 'The dog' the dog is a subject, but to make it a sentence, you must have a predicate. Such as, 'The dog chewed the bone'. Do you get it c;?
Ah yes, I get it now! :3