I don't have much time for this review so sorry if its seems rushed.
I let the cold come.
I embraced the smallest
snowflakes as they
touched the tips of my nose -
as they kissed the surface
of my lips.
I felt the stinging sensation of
complete misery.
Middle school hallways turned bloody.
Guys and girls became gladiators, and
I watched as they
lunged at their target.
Me.
1. The kissed my nose thing is a bit played out in poetry, you might find it to be more emotional when you find an alternative, original phrase. It does set the mood and imagery but it is not perfect until you remove all the parts that make what you say dull and uninteresting.
2. The second stanza seems like its too much scenery and not enough emotion. It almost seems like it goes too far by choosing words that are similar to gory murder scenes. I would suggest changing the 'hallways turned bloody' and getting closer to what you really see when portraying the scene in your minds eye. Like, before you speak about the bloody hallways you should probably hit on the things that made it bloody, what it is that is bloody specifically. Right now its almost like you mean the whole hallway is covered in blood when in actually it could only be a small section of that hallway. It seems like this type of dramatization is bad because it shows the reader that the author may be over dramatic.
3. The flow of the second stanza seems off. You set the rhythm in your first stanza and you completely left it there by the second. To be honest it is actually annoying to read two measly lines and stopping for a second because of the new sentence, I liked the first stanza because it flowed the whole way through.
4. The last couple of lines of the second stanza says "lunged at their target. me." I'm wondering why you would do that, and even if you can justify it I think the poem would be much better if you were straight forward and direct with your reader. This means that you should probably just say "Lunged at me" instead.
5. Saying "I watched" is such a dull way to show that the author is in panic, that they are afraid. It establishes very little empathy toward the character because there is little emotion in just 'watching something'
The names that they called me,
the slurs.
I cannot even begin to describe them.
Foul, foul words, spoken only
from devil’s lips.
I felt their punches,
their kicks, like
daggers to my chest.
I took their violence in
full, hoping that they would
tire out.
1. The first stanza here (trying to be completely honest here) is garbage to me. Saying that they called you names and slurs is a very unemotional way to go about it. You could have showed us what they did or what they called you but instead you just say the words are unimaginable, that they cannot be described. For one, everything especially in poetry can be described and the whole hard part of poetry is portraying the emotions, that hurt, in a way where the reader can feel that hurt and empathize with the reader, and this utterly and completely failed at that.
2. The first stanza here is facts, that is all. The only imagery you bring to this stanza is the fact you mentioned the devils lips. It would be better if they were even the least bit described but they weren't. The story stopped because you choose to tell us that the words where unimaginable, and you left it there expecting some sort of empathy from the reader? Why? You've haven't given the reader anything to go off of.
3. The devils lips is a cliche and it is unemotional because of that. The daggers in your chest is also a cliche and it is a terrible metaphor in my opinion. This is simply because you are describing someone kicking you as something stabbing you, it is weak and packs very little emotion.
4. What else could the character do but take their violence in full? This whole part along with most of these stanza's are completely unnecessary.
5. Telling us that the character wanted them to tire out is extremely oversimplified, bland and blank statement. You are not progressing the story, showing emotion, showing imagery or doing anything to help the poem.
But the gladiators, they
came for blood, they stayed
until they saw it pour from
some cut, some crevice
in my skin.
I went through countless days,
my worth measured by the
effort behind their strikes.
They would never fully leave me alone.
For I am the target.
And the target must be neutralized.
1. the whole gladiator thing is just something that I roll my eyes at. It seems silly that you would even call them gladiators, but if you want to portray them as gladiators then they wouldn't stop at a cut in your skin.
2. The first stanza contradicts your whole poem of 'hallways turned bloody.' I have no idea why you would choose to exaggerate how much blood there was in the hallways and say that they won't stop until you get one single measly cut? It makes the character just dramatic and completely takes away their credibility; which takes away her perception (whether the readers believes her assumptions are true) and her emotion (because we think shes just being dramatic)
my worth measured by the
effort behind their strikes.
3. I had to section this part out because of how bad it is really is. Sorry to say it. It really just means that your worth is measured by how hard they punch and kick? I thought they hit really hard thus you measure your self-worth pretty well? It is saying the exact opposite of what you really need it to say.
I welcome the warmth.
I entrance myself in the tight
embrace of familial love.
My hallways have changed, and
the gladiators long gone.
I find comfort in words, letting
the images that have made a
home in my head
bleed out onto a page;
keeping my mind clear.
1. Way to completely disregard everything you were trying to prove to you audience without even a transition. After you told the reader that the gladiators will never be gone you simply just say "oh they are gone now." Without an explanation of what you did or even how you got there. If your character had any credibility it is completely gone. You seemingly blandly support facts by shoving it down the readers throat and then contradict it implying "no biggy."
2. It would have been more effective with images instead of abstraction. This goes with the whole poem aswell. The first stanza is more of a theme that could have, should have been a whole section in itself of a story or anything other then blandly stating it.
3. What does this poem even have to do with the characters ability to write?
Okay well I am going to stop here so that I don't concern myself with needless explanations about why this poem is just plain bad. Your first stanza was your only good one to me, and I'm sorry to say that you had priceless phrases but they are mashed together in the worst possible way.
Points: 33
Reviews: 131
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