z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

The Hybrids (Chapter 7)

by jls1638


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter 7

Lamar

I am looking down when suddenly I hear Demitri say that we are here. I look up and see her house. I must have been really distracted because I don’t remember most of the ride. I jump up and pull myself out of the seemingly confining Jeep. I never noticed how big her house was. I never really noticed anything of her house, just her. I can’t help the memory that comes flooding back.

I am walking through the house with Dylan, Demitri, and my brother. “We need to follow her, the way the door was I think it’s safe to assume she ran.” Demitri says authoritatively. We all take off running. We run out the door and jump into his Jeep. Demitri slams on the gas and we all jerk forward. I am about to demand that he be careful until I see . . . her. I can’t seem to take my eyes off her. I see the Abarimon chasing her, I look at Demitri’s speedometer and am shocked to see that we are going 90 and are falling behind. I decide to take action and take out my dart gun. I load the gun and try to aim. I realize that at 90 miles per hour everything is a blur. I try to focus on the Abarimon and finally get a lock on him once I am able to discern which one he is. I can’t take a chance of losing the shot so I take it and hope that I am as good of aim as I should be. I hit him on the back of his neck and see him fall. I am put into a panic when I see him fall onto Sarah and see her fall down onto a bed of rocks.

We catch up just as she hits the ground. Demitri hits the brake, sliding the car sideways, and stopping a foot from Sarah’s head. I jump out of the car and turn her over to where she is laying on her back. I can’t stop myself from staring down at her with her bloodied forehead. Spite the blood, I can’t take my eyes off of her. With her flowing red hair and soft flawless skin, she looks like a god. I am taken out of my frozen state when I feel the slick of blood on the side of her thigh where I am holding her knees with my arm. I stand up, cradling her in my arms and trying my hardest not to jostle her. I take her to the jeep and sit with her on my lap. With her cradled in my arms, I can’t take my eyes off of her. I take a rag from the back seat and cautiously wipe away the blood from her forehead.

As the memory of our first encounter fades I realize the others are already at the door waiting for me before they knock. I am with my brother on one side of the door and Demitri and Dylan are on the other side. Demitri tentatively knocks on the door a few times and quickly moves his arm when he hears movement.

We see the handle of the door twist and barely open before Marco kicks the door all the way open. We storm in there as fast as we can. The thud of the Grimlock stumbling backwards barely registers as I rush into the living room and rush to the back of the house to get to Sarah. I don’t register anything until I get to Sarah’s room and see her lying on her side, sleeping peacefully and seemingly fine. I stop and just stare at her, I can’t believe that she’s okay. A wave of relief fill me as I walk silently over to her bedside and tentatively sit down. I can’t help but reach over and sweep her hair behind her ear. Just seeing her sleeping peacefully and knowing that she is a force to be reckoned with brings a slight smile to my face, spite what’s going on in the rest of the house.

Just as I am about to pick her up I feel a hand on my shoulder and I am yanked backwards. I fall and look up to see the Grimlock. Fury fills me as I get up as fast as I can and charge at him. He puts his hand out and grips my shoulder. I can see his lips moving and hear mumbling but I can’t understand a word he’s saying. I try to hit him but every time I take a swing he moves slightly back and I miss. Finally, I swipe my arm up, knocking his hand away from my shoulder but before I can try to hit him again I feel, rather than hear, Sarah’s mental command. I halt as sound begins to register in my mind again and I faintly hear Sarah say, “It’s ok, he means me no harm.”

I stop, stunned at this revelation and I try to look around him when he moves back into my line of sight. I mentally respond while glaring at the Grimlock, “Intent to harm or not, he is pissing me off, tell him to move.” As I finish sending her my thought I hear the other’s footsteps pounding up the hall and stop at the door. I can sense them moving closer and spreading out and as they do I see the Grimlock get tense.

Finally I hear Sarah speak, “It’s ok, you can move, they mean me no harm, the same goes for you guys I don’t want anything else in my house broken and if you did break it you owe me.”

I smirk at the fire in her voice. Only letting it fall from my face when I look back up at the Grimlock. Straight faced and wary, I give him a pointed stare, silently questioning if he’s going to move. After a few minutes of our standoff I hear a frustrated huff and comment from behind him.

“Ugh, seriously people, you are really going to just stand there glaring at each other. Well, you can stand there all day if you like but I’m going to get up and go into the living room while you have your staring contest because frankly I find it useless to sit here and wait for one of you to get over your ego.”

I fight the urge to smile while hearing the guys behind me burst out laughing. I finally see her get up and walk around us both. I turn and watch as she leaves the room. I look back and see the Grimlock has already disappeared. At this I hurry to follow Sarah.

. . .

Sarah

As I go through the hallway, now fully awake and frustrated at the pissing contest that’s probably still going on in my bedroom, I start to slow down as I start hearing more voices. What now? I continue walking, trying to ignore them, but they continue getting louder until I have to stop in the hall. I look behind me and notice that no one is talking, but I can hear everyone. Shit! I think and stumble as the voices continue until they are shouting in my mind. The pounding just increases until I have to drop to the floor and hold my head to get any relief from the migraine. The intensity of the pain causes black spots in my vision. I am not passing out again. I think as the black threatens to take me and I fight with everything I have to try and stay conscious.

I faintly feel the vibrations of feet pounding on the floor before someone kneels beside me. I feel the scaly skin of the Grimlock as he picks me up and starts walking. I can’t think to try and figure out where he is taking me, as the voices in my head are demanding all of my attention. I try to focus on one voice and can almost block out the rest until one of the other voices gets louder and makes me lose my concentration. Ugh this is so annoying, SHUT UP! I mentally yell at the voices all fighting for my concentration. Then suddenly they all stop and the pain in my head starts fading.

Confused and angry I open my eyes and see everyone surrounding me on the couch giving me various looks of concern and caution. Looking around at the five guys that are staring at me and as I look at the Grimlock. He never told me his name. Maybe because I never asked. How rude of me, just opting to dehumanize him and default by calling him by his species label rather than his actual name. As I try to ask him what his name is I realize that there is no sound coming out of my mouth. Panic starts to set in and I automatically mind search Lamar.

“Lamar what the fuck is happening to me? Why can’t I speak?” I mentally demand of Lamar swinging my gaze to him. He looks sheepish and glances at Dylan, silently asking a question. “What the hell did he do to me Lamar?” I try again. I look over at Dylan and glare at him, demanding a response. As my temper rises, they seem to take their sweet time in deciding what to tell me and after three minutes I explode. “Lamar, if someone doesn’t tell me what’s going on right now, I promise I WILL make all your lives a living fucking hell!” I mentally scream at him watching his eyes grow in size and his gaze meet everyone’s but mine. Finally, just to prove my point, I start pushing overwhelming emotion into him through my emotional link to him. I see exactly when it hits because he falls to the ground and I immediately pull back the emotion.

I see everyone rush to him, other than the Grimlock, and that brings me back to my first question. “And please ask the Grimlock his name.”

“I am sorry for not responding but the only thing that we could think of was to cast a mystical shell of ice over you. It makes it to where nothing can penetrate, whether it be a person or their voice, and that includes yours. The reason you couldn’t hear yourself is because it’s so close to your skin that the sound can’t travel. I am sorry but I don’t have the ability to be able to speak to the Grimlock and if we take of the ice shield than you will probably be writhing in pain again.”

I take a deep breath and calmly respond, “And, might I ask, whose ability is hindering my ability to converse with the rest of the world?”

Lamar looks up at Dylan and hesitates. “It’s Dylan, isn’t it?” I ask, watching for any indication that I am right. When he looks back down and sheepishly looks at me shrugging, I get my answer. This just angers me more because I haven’t established an emotional link to him. Frustrated that my tactics of revenge won’t work on the one who is the reason for my imprisonment, I try to get up. I am able to stand but I see the shimmer all around me that hints to my captivity.

“Wait, what being did he get his ability from?” I ask while standing in front of the couch watching all of them that are now standing in front of me looking between Lamar and I. I see Lamar ask Dylan the question and the response. He then turns back to me.

“He said it was a Barbegazi.” When I mentally find the creature that he is talking about, I can’t help it, I double over laughing. He got his ability from an ice gnome. I have to sit down because my knees can’t hold me up with the strength of my laughter, as it is paralyzing me.

“Do you know what a Barbegazi is?”

“No, what is it?” he tentatively asks

“An Ice gnome, he got his ability from a gnome.” I mentally send him, the laughter evident in mental message. I notice immediately when he gets the mental message because I just see him smile and look over at Dylan and converse with him. Soon all of the guys and even the Grimlock are smiling, all except for Dylan. Dylan promptly glares at me as fury courses through him. I take it he never told them what it actually meant. I smile sweetly at him and mentally tell Lamar, “Tell him I am sorry if I embarrassed him, I think it’s cute.”

I wait for the visual confirmation that he did as I asked and am ready to get down to business.

“Lamar, first, we need to figure out how to get me out of this ice bubble without me doubling over in pain from all of your thoughts. Then, we all need to sit down and have a little chat, get all the cards on the table with abilities and what is going on at that facility.”

“Ok, give me a moment and I will get the opinions of the others.”

“Wait, can you see if you can get the Grimlock into this bubble with me, I think I could handle one stream of thoughts and then he can be a part of our conversations.”

I look at Lamar, feeling his hesitance. I raise my eyebrows, silently demanding he converse with the others and get it done. Silent gestures are passed between him and me. I feel him finally give in. After the staring contest that seemed to last forever, he started conversing with the others and explaining what I was wanting. I look to the others and watch them converse. They seem to argue back and forth over my demands. I am about to ask Lamar for an update when I feel another presence in my mind, before I can start to freak out it speaks.

“What do you need to know?” My head snaps to look at the one the voice belongs to. As I look at Marco, my concerns are confirmed as he is staring right into my eyes.

“How?” I respond, stupefied.

“I’ll explain it the group chat, now what specifically do you need to know right at this minute. I might have the knowledge you seek.”

“Fine, I’ll play along. I need to know specifically how to control the thoughts when this bubble is released or we will still be in this same position and I would rather have my hearing and voice rather than have to be in a bubble the rest of my life.”

“That I don’t know, but the Grimlock might. He is a demon and most likely has more knowledge so I think that you should have him in the bubble. They may be arguing about it but, honestly, if he were going to hurt you he would have already. Oh, and by the way, Lamar can hear everything we are saying.”

I look over to Lamar and see him conversing with Dylan still. I look questioningly back at Marco, wondering if he was right. I ask Lamar what he thinks about it.

“I don’t want you to be in a bubble with only him but I know that it’s probably the best.”

“Ok” I say and watch as the bubble expands. The shimmer of the ice increases. I stare at the bubble as it expands, not noticing that a bubble has been put around the Grimlock and is also expanding. I finally focus when the two bubbles meet and prepare myself for the impending onslaught of thoughts. I hold my breath waiting for the bubbles to completely merge and tense. I am severely confused when there isn’t a voice. Looking up I ask the Grimlock, “Why can’t I hear your thoughts and now that I think about it why isn’t there an empathic link?”

“It’s because of the nature of my being, to which I must decline explaining until I can enlighten the entire group in the, what did you call it, ‘little chat’ in which I will share all but may request that certain things not be shared with them. As you are my translator, I am putting my faith in you to which I will also explain in depth at a later time.”

“Fine, but do you at least know anything that will help? I am stuck like this and have no idea what to do so that I don’t almost pass out every time I am around normal people, and no, you don’t count as normal.”

“My life spans millennia, of course I have the knowledge to release you of your ailments.”

I wait, expecting him to explain further. After waiting for what felt like forever, my temper finally got the best of me and I exploded, “Well are you going to share this knowledge or do you expect us to stand in this bubble for the rest of my life, which, by the way, is not happening so please enlighten me!”

I see Lamar smile out of the corner of my eye and realize I must have thought everything I said. I am too frustrated to acknowledge him, I only stare at the Grimlock impatiently awaiting a response. Then . . .

“Just ignore them.”

“What the hell do you think I was doing before I was picked up and carried over to the couch!?”

“You were trying to focus on them but if you do as your Buddhists do then you can block them out.”

“What the fuck does that mean, ‘do what the Buddhists do’! I am not going to constantly meditate just to get some peace and quiet in my own god damn mind!”

“I didn’t vocalize the word meditate as your Buddhists merely take the world out of focus.”

“Oh yes, that makes perfect sense, I will just take the world out of focus and everything will be fine! Ugh you’re hopeless!” I finish saying and then I stomp away and go sit down. I barely notice as the bubble expands in accordance to my movements, as I am focused on attempting to decode the Grimlock’s words. As I plop down on the couch and put my head in my hands, I feel someone get closer to me. “Don’t touch me, you piss me off.” I say as I hear the Grimlock’s hand start moving towards me. As I hear him pause I start focusing on what I need to do and the info that he gave me.

Ok, I am supposed to change the focus of the world. That’s easy enough. Maybe he meant that I was supposed to change my perspective. Ok, that would kind of make sense. Buddhists clear their mind to be able to think clearly so maybe they are able to look at everything in a new way and that’s what the Grimlock meant. Ugh. Why does he have to be so damn cryptic all the time?

Fine, I won’t do that. There’s no way I’ll be able to take the world out of focus! There has to be another way. Okay, let me think. What happened from the time this ‘power’ developed, to when I opened my eyes? When she thinks this she feels a pull and suddenly she is re-living the memory . . .

I watch as they all rush towards my falling body. Okay, this is definitely new. The Grimlock transports to my side and picks the memory version of me up. It doesn’t take long before I realize they don’t see me. Interesting. I notice a faint echo in my mind and soon realize it’s what I was hearing in my mind during this memory. Why am I not experiencing the same pain as memory me? I let the thought pass as I watch for what’s happening and what they did when I was in debilitating pain. I notice the echo is getting close to when I mentally yelled at them. Intrigued I watch for any sign that they heard me. As the ‘shut up’ emanates from memory me, I see Dylan’s eyes go wide as he starts shouting orders. “Put her on the couch. I can fix it.” The Grimlock follows Dylan’s order and places memory me on the couch. I see something start to happen out of the corner of my eye. When I look, its Dylan’s hands. I watch as intricate flakes lace over his hands going from his wrists to his hands. When it reaches his fingertips, the palms of his hands start to glow a deep frosty blue and I watch in amazement as a filmy substance flows out of his hands.

Before I can admire much more of his power, I am thrust back to the present. My eyes snap open and I gasp from the force of my conscious mind becoming active. Why the hell are they staring again? You think they’d get used to me doing weird things, but no. I think as I look up and see that I have the attention of everyone. As the thought passes, I hear the Grimlock say, “Interesting, your remembrance spans past your conscious mind.”

Suddenly I am extremely frustrated. I stand and shout at him. “What the fuck is with you and all your stupid vague responses!?” I don’t wait for a response, “You know what?! Never Mind! I have more pertinent matters to deal with at the moment.” As I finish my rant, I turn and ask “Lamar, can you be the mediator between Dylan and I?” I see the confusion in his eyes as he reluctantly turns and relays the message to Dylan. I soon see the responding nod, “Okay, first, I want you to ask him if he heard my voice in his head before putting me in this bubble.” I watch as the message is passed on and they converse for a couple minutes.

Finally, after impatiently waiting what felt like forever, Lamar responds, “He knew that you were the one that told him to shut up. He says that he had heard of the debilitating effects of hearing people’s thoughts. He was helping the creatures in the lab one day when he was assigned to the experimental wing. The lab coats were testing to see if a creature could be injected with another’s abilities and take on that ability like we had. It was successful but there was a cost. When the ability started forming, she was able to hear others thoughts but after a few seconds there were so many and it was so loud that she passed out. While she was passed out, they decided that only one person could be on the floor at a time until they could figure out what was going on. Dylan refused to leave so they left him with her. When she woke up she mentally told him to stop thinking. He didn’t know how to do this so he tried to figure out a way to help. The only thing he could think of was to put her in a bubble. When he suggested this she said that his thoughts had already disappeared. While this was true, she started hearing the thoughts of everyone that would later come onto the floor. He never really got to try putting her in a bubble so this was a test with you basically.”

As I think about what he said, I see the link. I look up and say, “Tell him to drop the bubble.”

When the message reaches Lamar his eyes get wide and he starts freaking out, “No, if he drops the bubble there’s no doubt you will be on the floor passed out in less than a minute! I won’t tell him that!”

While he is ranting I notice Marco lean over and tell Dylan to drop the bubble. I hope I am right about this. I think while I see Lamar turn around and start arguing. He ignores the fact that Dylan is already making the bubble disappear. I can’t help but wince when I watch the bubble dissipate. With a pop the bubble disappears and all hell breaks loose.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
308 Reviews


Points: 31200
Reviews: 308

Donate
Sun Apr 27, 2014 4:35 am
GoldFlame wrote a review...



Back again! Apologies it took me so long.

We all take off running. We run out the door and jump into his Jeep.


Sensed some redundancy. Both sentences inform the reader that the narrator's running. This could be mended by simply omitting the first.

We run out the door and jump into his Jeep. Demitri slams on the gas and we all jerk forward. I am about to demand that he be careful until I see...her. I can’t seem to take my eyes off her.


This also seems a little redundant. "Her" concludes a sentence twice in this clip, and "we" pops up for the third time.

I see the Abarimon chasing her, I look at Demitri’s speedometer and am shocked to see that we are going 90 and are falling behind. I decide to take action and take out my dart gun. I load the gun and try to aim. I realize...


Comma splice in the first sentence. This whole paragraph is also loaded with active voice, and basically structured the same way: "Subject + Predicate + Complete thought". I'd recommend throwing in some passive voice, just to direct the reader's attention away from all the "I"s.

So, basically: watch out for echoes of the same sentence structure. It wasn't as prominent in the other chapters, but I'd recommend monitoring it to some degree. Otherwise the subject transforms into the main focus. It's strange, though; your dialogue tags are well-varied. I can't stop admiring them. You almost omit one whenever possible, so my eyes are glued to the dialogue. It really does well to ensnare my attention.

I also have to agree with Lace on reaction versus action. Most of this is action. I did note efforts to fuse reaction into action, but it didn't do it for me. I don't feel especially strong about it, though. Your style doesn't call for much detail or description. You're able to paint vivid images with just a few words, and that I definitely admire.

Now that that's out of the way ...

The same style is demonstrated in each perspective, but the characters are assuming their distinct voices. And the pacing ... wow. Extraordinarily well-measured. You zoomed in and out as needed, fused scene with narrative, dialogue with narration.

Keep it up! Looking forward to more! :D




jls1638 says...


Thanks so much, this really helps me feel better about the writing. i really enjoy hearing the responses to my writing.



GoldFlame says...


No problem! (:



User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 2149
Reviews: 16

Donate
Sun Mar 30, 2014 1:06 pm
lace182 wrote a review...



You have an interesting set of powers and ideas. I like the ice bubble and I like the various types of non-humans. I have not read other parts of your story so I can't comment on the plot overall but only what is in this.

You spend little effort in writing descriptions or people or places. You don't write any emotion into your story either except for sudden reactions. Why are your characters together? What are their calmer feelings rather than just anger, surprise, and pain? Who cares for who and why? Even though I haven't read the first part of your story I should still understand the relationships between people. As it is, I can't understand why anyone would stay around Sarah. She seems demented.

What is the point of the flashbacks? Using them means you didn't start the story soon enough or your character is incapable of relating their thoughts. Given you are writing in the first person I should think you can tell us their thoughts.

You have a lot to do to improve your writing. Include descriptions so we can 'see' what surrounds your characters. Include descriptions of your characters, not just one or two of them even if it is just a habitual way they speak or move. Read the work of other writers if you need help understanding what I mean.

In fact if you want to really improve, reading is imperative. As you read you should consider how other writers add emotion and how they write a scene like the one you have written. Such information gives you a broader idea base and it will help you paint a clearer picture. I would recommend you read fantasy. You have this listed as supernatural and suspense but I see more magic and creatures = fantasy.

You have decent enough punctuation and a good vocabulary. You have enough talent to improve it and write well. Good luck and thanks for the submission.




User avatar
1220 Reviews


Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Donate
Sun Mar 30, 2014 2:55 am
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there, jls1638. I, a bold Knight of the Green Room, am here to review you on this fine Review Day. I hope you don't mind.

I should also note that I haven't read any of the previous parts, so if I bring up something already addressed earlier in the story, feel free to disregard it.

With that said, the first thing I noticed is that you rely heavily on adverbs (suddenly, seemingly, authoritatively, etc.). While adverbs are useful, using them too much weakens your writing, so a good general rule of thumb is to avoid using adverbs as much as possible. Instead of adverbs, one technique that works very well is using vivid verbs. For example, using "shouted" instead of "said loudly". Both convey the same basic meaning, but using the more vivid verb "shouted" gets the point across much more clearly and concisely than using the adverb combination.

Another bonus for using vivid verbs is that it opens up more room for descriptions, in addition to the vivid verbs describing things themselves. For example, someone sauntering into the room conveys a completely different impression of the character than someone skulking into the room, or someone sashaying or shuffling into the room.

Generally, the more each element of your writing does, the better it is, and the more room you have to include details that might otherwise bore your readers.

The next thing I noticed were those flashbacks. They're really long and clumped up into giant italicized blocks of text, which makes them not very easy to read. I'd recommend condensing and breaking the flashbacks up so that they're not so bulky, and in some cases, getting rid of the flashbacks entirely and replacing them with a summary and the character's reactions to remembering. It will make this chapter much more reader-friendly.

One other thing: where you place your descriptions is important, and it's often better to spread descriptions out throughout the narration by tying them to actions, especially physical character descriptions. One example of a very oddly-placed description is in the first flashback, where Lamar admires Sarah's beauty even though she's been severely injured. Considering the urgency earlier in the scene, it doesn't make sense for him to spend that long admiring her beauty, and that he does doesn't reflect well on his character.

If Sarah's physical appearance is that important, a better option would be to describe her physical traits as Lamar interacts with them. For example, something about her red hair being hard to tell apart from the blood, or her looking so pale, there's concern that she's dead. It will make the whole "Sarah is beautiful" thing much less heavy-handed and forced.




Random avatar

Points: 2966
Reviews: 142

Donate
Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:37 pm
Bugslake says...



You used mey idea, yay. I'm so glad that u was able to contribute to your story. I definitely want to read more if this and see where it goes. Besides I know you're a bit busy from the fact that it took so long to get this chapter out, but I completely understand.




jls1638 says...


Yea, once I finished this chapter I immediately started and finished the 8th chapter but I am waiting till the cost decreases to post it. Once that's done, I am going to start writing the next chapter over spring break.


Random avatar
Bugslake says...


Yay! I'm so excited




Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop