You ask me this: Are you okay?
Of course I am, is my reply;
But no, I’m not – I’m lonely.
.
You smile, nod, then walk away –
Convince yourself it’s not a lie.
But you’re wrong – I’m lonely.
.
What’s different about today?
You still leave, but your doubts don’t die;
It’s true – I’m lonely.
.
There is so much I want to say,
But right now I’m too scared and shy.
Please – I’m lonely.
.
Ask me again – am I okay?
Then hold me close till these tears dry.
I’m lonely.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey there! GreenLight24 here with a review for you, representing team blue as we of tubule to push through to the end of this magnificent March review day!
Great job!
First of all, awesome job channelling the emotional energy that goes into this poem. In my belief, poetry is the emotional literary form and can be used to describe emotions and feelings that short stories or novels may sometimes let o by the wayside. I really liked the way you used repetition of the phrase, "I'm lonely." To show how the narrator is gradually drawn deeper and deeper into the abyss that is loneliness. I loved how you included a by of dialogue too between the main character and their friend who asks if they are okay. This made the poem feel more personal and brought the action closer I the reader. Sometimes when people try I write emotional poetry, they overshoot and leave the reader feeling a bit detached from the feelings in the poem, but here you've done a great job of bringing the reader into the text and really making it seem like we were right there along with the narrator trying to comfort them. Muy bueno.
Te only possible thing I can think of that would make this poem better would be the use of some extra metaphors and maybe some more imagery. I understand that by having limited amounts of those here you have the poem that feeling of authenticity that makes it feel so close to the reader, but I don't think it would hurt I try things out and see how it goes.
I hope this reviews helps you moving forward. Happy review day and remember, Always keep on writing!!!
I know how you feel. I really understood this poem, honestly. Just....wow. I can completely relate.
Sorry its not a worthy review or something. That's...all I could say
Oh. Why is it someone else can put something in to word so well when I've tried to do the same thing for so long? All I can say is well done. Normally I can think of some suggestions at least, but on a rare occasion…well, I'll give it some effort since I go nuts without any constructive criticism.
Okay I really like it the way it is. I guess my only question is the last stanza. You say "Ask me again - am I okay?" Did you mean to say it so or should it be "Ask me again - are you okay?" But really it's fine either way, so…sorry I'm no more help. I really love this poem!
Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! Let's get started.
Hmm this is an interesting subject of loneliness during a conversation of two people. This is a simple concept written in a simple way; maybe you could expand on the lonely feeling. You could explain why you are lonely or to what extent and if this specific person made it worse/better? I can see you wanted to tell this person everything. You want to vent to them knowing they will be by your side and have them care but you don't know how to do that. There wasn't a lot of imagery or poetic sounding things in here, it was really all straightforward which poetry usually is not. Maybe improve on that next time? I hope this was helpful.
Have a nice day!
~Purple