Young Writers Society

Hello, TriSARAHtops.

So I think you've got some good things going on here with the way you're breaking this down into multiple sections. I think that's probably on the right track for what you're looking for. You've got a good flow too, and I like that you took the initiative to erase the punctuation. I'd probably encourage you to get rid of capitals the more you go down, so like the first one have it just like it is, maybe add back the punctuation, then the second one erase it so that just the sentences have the capitals, and then the third one don't even capitalize "I" or anything. I think that would probably artistically appeal towards the message of this poem.

However, I do have something to say about that as well. Mostly I feel like you're rushing things a little too quickly and repeating yourself a little too much. Instead of trying to write this with it reflecting on words you've already used directly, write it with a first person present point of view the whole time. Go from, "I thought I'd have no doubts/ And I could be assured and affable" to something like "I doubt I will be able to [insert a specific doubt you have right now], and I am never sure of anything. I really want to strangle that woman too! God I'm so afraid of [fear]" and that sort of thing. That's going to make it a lot more relatable because you're going to be dropping the pretense of making this cute and cuddly. Instead, go for the meat of the problem. Cut off the flesh, the niceties, the sweet innocent words, and get to the bones. You say you thought your parents were always sure of themselves? Well show us. Show us a time when you went to your parents and you know now that they had no idea what they were doing, and they were scared, but they looked like heros to you because you knew that your parents could never be scared, could never cry, or whatever that thing was. Then, show us the reality at the end of the stanza.

You could even replay the same event three times. The first time when you were a child, the second time, from the point of view of an older sibling seeing the situation, [doesn't matter if you have had or had one in the situation (which could also be completely imaginary)] and then the third as the adult in the situation too. Show us everything, one incident, and exactly how each point of view would see it. Make it something dramatic for both an adult and a child, like the dog got hit by a car, or something that will draw out your emotions now as an adult where you would need to be strong for a child.

I hope this helps draw out the emotion in your poem and if you take my advice and write it, I'd really love to read it. Give me a shout!

-Aley

Ah, adulthood! So intimidating, and so bloody overrated.

I remember having been in that same situation. And I still am not quite sure who I am to be honest.

The articulation of the poem is quiet smart, from the first part exposing a perceived, childish perceiption of adults, to the third part contrasting that to what, or who, you are on the verge of "official adulthood". It is billiant, in that it captures the fact that one does not become an adult in a blink. Becoming your own sentient adult, well equipped to deal with the hurdles of life, is lifelong enterprise.

The lack of punctuation is not particularly negative. Quite the contrary actually, I feel tht the stanzas are enough to set the "formal" flow of the poem, and the lack of punctuation gives some leeway for personal interpretation of that flow.

Hi Epic here...

I thought this poem was pretty good. You expressed you words through the poem as if it were a personal thing.

I think you could have added punctuation to help the flow of the poem.

I also like the last line, 'But I still don't know who I am' It adds a bit of uncertainty to the poem (as a good thing). You started off saying how much you think that the adults have it all figured out but then you become the adult and you still don't know who you are.

I completely get what this poem is about (I'm not an adult myself yet though) but the way you wrote it, it helps the reader understand you view point and relate and empathise.

The only nit pick I have would be to add punctuation but other than that it's great. By the way I know not all adults are always in control, I've seen some close to me completely loose it.

Overall great poem!

Keep writing
EPICnumber1
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