this fleeting act of inclusion
the briefest moment of contact
nothing so intimate as eyes meeting
or words exchanged
we're just two souls lost in the music
and blinded by the darkness
but in these two seconds we're lost together
and it's like you're glowing
your hands
on my shoulders
the only language we need is movement
conversation is non-existent
and the music drowns out the rest of the world
this instant is dizzying and breathless
transient in the way of a dream
what exists between us right now changes nothing
but it's all that matters until it's over
and you've never looked more dazzling
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Greetings TriSARAHtops, it's review time!
In this review I will offer lots of criticism, but please don't think I'm being harsh, I just analyse in a lot of detail.
Firstly, in the third line, I think you have spoiled a perspective pattern. The first two lines are "the/this (description) (main thing) of (main description," and according to the rule of three, this should best be repeated a third time, like "Yet no intimate meeting of eyes."
Secondly, There is a repetition of "lost" in lines five and seven, which jars a little.
Thirdly, I think that the first word of line 10 is unnecessary.
Fourthly, "in the way of a dream" is rather long-winded, I think it is unnecessary and could easily be replaced with a simple ", dreamlike".
Finally, I think you could choose a more adventurous adjective for the last line. Normally "dazzling" would be fine, but something a little more exquisite, found with the help of a thesaurus, would improve it methinks.
Overall a fine piece, cleverly avoiding a specific type of dance, meaning possible target audience exclusion. Overall seven out of ten.
Yours in reviewing,
The Fiend.
THANK YOU!!This is exactly the kind of review I wanted. You're awesome. And al's your advice.
Thanks
Hi there..
So this was hands-down one of the best romantic poetry I've read in some time. The imagery you created was just beautiful. And the way you've shown the bond between the two people to be so simple yet so deep and complex. Maybe it was just me, but I felt like you were writing about two people having a new discovery about each other, another new dimension added to their thinking about each other.
For me, the best line was the end line. Simple but....overwhelming, somehow.
Overall 9/10
Harshita
Thanks!
Cool to hear your interpretation of it, too.
I felt like dancing after reading this, although dancing by yourself invites a lot of stares. .-.
It got me in the swirling around by myself mode, so you must have done something right.
The flow was very good. It didn't stutter or bump it's way to the end. It was all very smoothly done.
I don't really like poems without any punctuation or Capitilisation, but it worked perfectly in this.
My favourite lines were:
"what exists between us right now changes nothing
but it's all that matters until it's over".
*dances away into the light*
Thank you
for both the review and follow! 