z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Golden Bird, Red Fox: Chapter two

by Ventomology


The first thing Braxton heard the next morning was the triumphant call of his younger brother.

“I knocked a feather off it!” he yelled, bursting through the door to Braxton’s room. It might have been the one place in the palace untouched by their mother’s rabid thirst for redecorating. The doors still squeaked on rusted hinges, standing out against the fading white of the door. Even the doorknob had seen better days.

Leaning against one of the posts of Braxton’s bed, Ferrell proudly dangled a golden feather from his gloved hand. “Look what I got last night,” he teased, a smile on what should have been his exhausted face.

“A golden feather,” Braxton yawned, “Great. Did you catch the bird or did you stay up all last night for nothing?”

“No,” Ferrell said, dramatizing his failure. He hung his head pitifully. “Alas, even with a special arrow carved by my wonderful big brother, I could not down the feral beast.”

“Wonderful,” Braxton droned, “Have fun staying up again tonight. Now get out while I ready myself. I’m going into town today.”

“Actually,” his younger brother said, suddenly regaining his vigor and standing proudly, “Father has ordered each of us to try capturing the golden bird.”

This was not wonderful. It meant that Braxton would have a long day at some point. Maybe Gordon could fail and the notion could be left alone for months to come. “Fine. I’ll go into the country tomorrow. Tell Father I’d rather not chase a golden bird.”

He shoved his covers from his person and staggered to his dresser. He’d carved the item himself out of cherry wood, a masterpiece if he said so himself. The dark finish perfectly accompanied the wallpaper, a tessellated pattern of light green leaves that transformed the room into a well-lit forest.

His brother blocked Braxton’s way to his dresser. “Oh please, Braxton, you’re not getting away without trying. Who knows, maybe you’ll have fun!”

“I will not,” Braxton snapped, scratching his bare chest. “Now let me get to my clothes.”

Laughing, Ferrell sidestepped extravagantly and swept out of Braxton’s room, allowing a servant to open the door for him after he had already done most of that work himself.

“Good riddance,” Braxton sniffed, feeling the air of the slamming door wash over him. He liked the sensation and hoped that if the family built a new palace, they’d make all of the doors open outwards.

As fast as was possible in his family, Braxton escaped to the city to wander. People waved and smiled as soon as they noticed who it was walking down the street. He reached a street with a large, red-painted delicatessen and many people scrambling about. Hanging from the stone carvings that separated floors were handmade signs depicting the purpose of the shop. Scanning their symbols, he searched for the pressing machine silhouette trademark of all print shops. Ah, there on the other side of the street.

Braxton skidded across the cobblestones, jostled along by others of like mind. A horse whizzed past his back, sending Braxton a nice gust for the last few steps. He slowed to a confident stride before turning the well-polished handle of the print shop and stepping inside.

“Ah!” A young lady exclaimed, seeing Braxton step inside the shop, “Prince Braxton, a pleasure to see you again. What sort of thing are you looking for today?”

“I’m in search of the young mistress and master of the Trador family. They appear to have gone missing. May I place an advertisement in the paper?”

The young lady, a brown-haired girl in a pastel blue bodice and skirt, dusted her hands on her cream-colored apron and examined them for ink as she led the prince to an office. The main room of the print shop was certainly too loud for any real business to be done, what with apprentices shuffling madly about, and working hands cranking printing boards heavily onto paper.

The wooden floors creaked softly as the print shop lady closed the office door. She bustled to her desk and sat down, dipping a feather pen in ink. “What’s this about again?” she asked, hand at the ready. A stack of paper had been prepared for such requests.

“I’d like to place an advertisement for information,” Braxton explained patiently.

“On what?”

“The young mistress and master of the Trador family were cursed and have disappeared recently. Any information is likely to be rewarded. Lightly.”

“Only a small reward?” the girl asked, furrowing her brow.

“Apparently the girl gets lost rather often. Both missing persons ought to be in their teen years, with slightly red hair.” This was mostly a guess based on prior knowledge of the only resident nobles in the city, as well as the appearance of their parents.

“I always mean to ask you this, Prince Braxton,” the girl said, replacing her pen in a graceful wooden stand, “But why do you always come out here yourself?”

“One can never get enough fresh air,” Braxton replied, chuckling.

“Of course, Sire,” the print lady said, not sounding at all like she was in agreement, “I suppose you’d like information sent to us before it’s passed along to you?”

“Precisely.”

The print lady whipped the newest paper from the stack and walked past Braxton to open the door. She led, dropping the paper in a large box labeled, “important,” and clapped her hands to fruitlessly remove dust and ink. Braxton followed her through the constantly moving machinery, wrinkling his nose slightly. Ink did not smell half as pleasant as the Trador roses, even it wasn’t as pungent as the stables.

Resuming her place at the front, the print lady flounced onto a stool and crossed her legs. She did not seem satisfied with her job, and flared her nostrils at the apprentice printers, obviously jealous. Braxton opened the door, swinging it outwards, and smiled despite himself.

As Braxton strolled back through town, humming a stately tune, he wondered what he might do with the rest of his day. His black boots clomped satisfactorily on the cobblestones, putting him in the mood for a horse ride, possibly through the orchards or the royal hunting forest. In fact, thinking about the fragrance of pine assured him of his choice for that afternoon’s activity. He could use a break from office work anyway.

Managing to avoid his parents, secretaries, and idiot brother, Braxton snuck into the stables and called for a stable boy to ready his horse. Most everyone around knew Braxton’s preferences for riding, and in short time, his mare trotted lazily out of the stables, guided by an old man who had serviced the royal family for years. In his crinkly old voice, the man bid Braxton ‘good day’ before watching him urge the horse towards the forest.

Once in, Braxton felt the hum of the forest’s magic settle in around him. In fact, it was because of the forest’s magic that the royal family had chosen this area. They couldn’t have wizards running around all willy-nilly using it, and magic kept the forest full of game, and rich with flora. Silent as a fox, his mare trotted along a dirt path, not needing any instructions from Braxton. He was free to take in the sights around him.

Everything was so green and brown, with a mix of conifers and deciduous trees, ivy and ferns providing ground cover, and bushes of summertime berries. Occasionally, Braxton spotted a deer grazing in open meadows from fallen trees. But even with Braxton’s silent approach, the deer pricked its ears, listening, before bolting away.

And then Braxton heard it, a scratchy voice that sounded neither male nor female. He turned, gently patting his horse’s neck to keep her still, and searched the foliage.

Red. Red and white. “Stupid deer!” he heard someone say, “just run away, would you, leave a poor little fox to go hungry, thank you very much!” A fox, slender and smooth with a shiny copper coat slinked into the meadow. “Gah! I don’t need your dumb vegetarian meat anyway! Run! Run faster, dumb animal!” It wrinkled its black nose before noticing something or other. Ears swiveling, the fox froze in place. Then it turned towards Braxton and shouted, “You stupid prince-man! I was going to eat that deer!”

“I’m not the one who scared it away,” Braxton called back, chuckling slightly, “and you should know that foxes aren’t large enough to bring down deer. You’d be trampled.”

“Oh! You’re going to pay for insulting me like that! Get over here, prince-man. Dismount and face me like a man!” It reared to sit on its hind legs and threw a weak punch; its fox legs were not meant for that kind of motion.

Braxton laughed. “It wouldn’t be fair, little fox. You have claws and teeth as weapons and I’m unarmed! Besides, it’s better not to pick fights with enchanted animals. Everyone knows that.” He nudged his horse gently to get her moving again.

“Well I’m the one picking a fight with you!” it barked. “Wait a minute, hey! Where do you think you’re going? Just going to leave like that? You’re a huge wussy, prince-man! A wussy, you hear?”

Waving casually, Braxton continued sauntering along the path, spending the rest of the afternoon in quiet, green bliss.

Dinner was a tiresome an affair, as always. The queen’s interior decorating was still as awful as ever, but at least there weren’t guests that day. Listening to false compliments was not something Braxton enjoyed. He was silently prodding his roast when his father made the announcement.

“Tonight, Gordon will stay up in the garden to try catching the golden bird,” he said, sounding much more like a king than he usually did. “Tomorrow, Braxton will have a shot at it, and then Ferrell on the next night. Are we clear?”

“Father,” Braxton began, “if I may.” His father nodded, approving Braxton’s wish to speak. “Would it be possible to skip straight to Ferrell after tonight? I was planning on spending more time searching for the children of Trador, and thought I might have to spend the night in the country tomorrow.”

“Then forget it and stay here,” his father ordered, stabbing his meal with his fork. “You are to stay up tomorrow to attempt at catching the golden bird, clear?”

“Yes.” He shot a glare at his younger brother, who smiled haughtily. This was a terrible waste of time.


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293 Reviews


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Wed Jun 11, 2014 7:36 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Greetings, my fellow-tribute-but-not-for-much-longer-as-the-Games-are-at-an-end.

I am certain I have reviewed this novel at least up to chapter four, but seeing as the website *shakes fist for dramatic effect* seems to disagree, I shall start anew.

I did so enjoy reading about the little fox - I already know who he is, having read on already, but the first time I read about him, my guess was correct anyway. It's not only his characterisation on which you ought to be congratualted though, for every character I have encountered so far seems to have something which makes them unique. You have on skillfully balanced the characters, giving them both strengths and weaknesses; both of these are vital, as only characters with weaknesses can develope, and yours, it would seem, indeed have the potential to do so.

The only character with whom I am unsatisfied at the moment, is the wizard. I do not know his motive for cursing Dianne and her brother and have read the minimum amount about him, but seeing as he is the antagonist and should only be elaborated upon when appropriate, I suppose he will transcend his "flatness" in due time - or perhaps not.


The first thing Braxton heard the next morning was the triumphant call of his younger brother.

Correct me at any time if I am wrong, but if the narrative is the opposite of the dialogue, should it not be using reported speech? if so, I think "the next day" should be "the following day".

It might have been the one place in the palace untouched by their mother’s rabid thirst for redecorating.

I enjoy the description, but I think the full stop should be replaced with a colon, as an explanation follows.

“A golden feather,” Braxton yawned, “Great.

I often notice that people are unsure of when to use a comma and when to use a full stop: When the dialogue is intermitted with a narrative such as "he/she/it said," the narrative ends with a comma and the second part of the dialogue begins without a capital letter; however, if the first part of the dialogue is concluded and is proceeded with a narrative as mentioned above, the narrative ends with a full stop and the following dialogue begins with a capital letter. Try not to confuse these two instances; here are two examples of how they should be:
~ "I see," the mother scolded her child, "that you have broken another window. Well, this time you will have to pay to have it repaired."
Now compare the above sentence with the one below.
~ "I see that you have broken another window," the mother scolded her child. "Well, this time you will have to pay to have it repaired."
You see the difference?

This was not wonderful.

I am never sure how to react to a this when I see one in a third person narrative. Would anyone please help?

This was not wonderful. It meant that Braxton would have a long day at some point.

I think you should join these two sentences with either a dash or a semi-colon.

He shoved his covers from his person and staggered to his dresser. He’d carved the item himself out of cherry wood, a masterpiece if he said so himself. The dark finish perfectly accompanied the wallpaper, a tessellated pattern of light green leaves that transformed the room into a well-lit forest.

What a delightful discription. :)

He liked the sensation and hoped that if the family built a new palace, they’d make all of the doors open outwards.

Braxton's family must be extraordinarily wealthy if they can afford to build another palace...

As fast as was possible in his family, Braxton escaped to the city to wander.

What does the underlined mean?

He reached a street with a large, red-painted delicatessen and many people scrambling about.

He has reached the crime scene! He does not know that, though...

“One can never get enough fresh air,” Braxton replied, chuckling.

Does he find her question amusing, or is he deliberately hiding something?

Braxton opened the door, swinging it outwards, and smiled despite himself.

An interesting bit of characterisation, there.

Most everyone around knew Braxton’s preferences for riding...

I assume this is a typo, yes?

A fox, lean and smooth with a shiny copper coat slinked into the meadow.

I like foxes, but I think slender would describe their build better; I think lean is a better desciption for other canines such as cape wild dogs and wolves than foxes.

It reared to sit on its hind legs and threw a weak punch; its fox legs were not meant for that kind of motion.

As I have mentioned earlier, I absolutely adore this little fox, but I think Braxton is a little slow - where would a fox have learnt how to throw a punch? I suppose the fault is not his though, but rather that of dramatic irony. It's so frustrating!

“It wouldn’t be fair, little fox. You have claws and teeth as weapons and I’m unarmed!

I like Braxton a little bit more, now.

“Well I’m the one picking a fight with you!” it screamed.

That might be slightly too vehement a reaction... I think called would be more suitable.

Listening to false compliments was not something Braxton enjoyed.

Do royalty extend their façade even to their immediate family, or do they have guests?

“Father,” Braxton began, “if I may.”

Questions ought to end with question marks.

“You are to stay up tomorrow to attempt at catching the golden bird, clear?”

I apologise if I am a little slow, but why is catching this bird so important? It only steals fruit as far as I know.


If you are frightened by the amount of quotes I have used, fear not, for they are merely minor errors; in fact, I quite enjoyed this chapter. Your characterisation is satisfactory and the plot is developing at an appropriate pace.

Rating for this text: four stars (excellent)




Ventomology says...


Thanks for the review! It's nice to know people are actually reading this. As for a lot of your earlier comments, I tend to write in a conversational manner. It's done completely on purpose.
Thanks for some of those nitpicks though. I'll definitely see to them!



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Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:13 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here for a review!!

I will go with my nitpicks first, and then go tell you how much I like it. :)

Nitpicks

Braxton snapped, scratching his bare chest, “And let me get to my clothes.” ---I think you could make this into two sentences instead of the one you have now... Maybe, Braxton snapped, scratching his bare chest. "Now let me get to my clothes."


examined them for ink as she led the prince to a closed off office. ---The three words, closed off office don't seem right. I think its that the two words, off and office, are similar.


and clapping her hands to fruitlessly remove dust and ink. ----That should be, And clapped her hands to fruitlessly remove dust and ink


He could use a break from office work anyway. ----A comma is needed, I think, after work


“just run away, would you, leave a poor little fox to go hungry, thank you very much!” ---That is worded very awkwardly... I think you could switch parts around to eliminate commas and it would flow better... Being in two sentences might help, too


Dinner was as tiresome an affair as always. ----I think that sentence would work better as: Dinner was a tiresome affair, as always.


The work as a whole and style of writing

I really enjoyed this work! It is well done, and the descriptions are well done in most places. There are a few spots where I think that the description is lacking a little, but most of the time, I see everything in HD! :D

This is a wonderful olden day story, and I love your characters even use the old language in their speech throughout it! :) You are doing a wonderful job recreating those olden days, and adding your own clever twists. I notice that this is a fantasy set in the olden days, almost like a Rangers Apprentice sort of book. The characters are even more shown out in this than the first, and I am sure it will grow as the story goes on. I am only in the second chapter, after all!

I will go hit another chapter of yours now! :D
~Timmyjake




Ventomology says...


Thanks! I'll fix those points!



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Tue Feb 18, 2014 1:17 am
Scoeri wrote a review...



I like this. Especially how he's kinda forced onto a bit of a side mission rather than launching straight into the main quest. That's an idea I'm going to keep by my side. Other than that I maintain much of what I've said before. Also, I'm going to have to apologize for my medieval placement of the setting. I kinda assumed with the wizards and gargoyles and all. By the way, I think that you should elaborate on the kind of bird. "Golden Bird", although a sort of plot point I suppose, kinda just bothers me. Don't know why. Other than that, I think you should really give your world a bit more color. Not in description this time, but in scenery I think? It feels a bit generic, and almost cliche. Finally, as a royal family there aught to be more politics. The world before the modern institution of such things as world wars and the discovery of ptsd viewed violent conflict as a good thing strangely enough, and by that merit your world just isn't militant enough for my tastes. Even if there won't be any violent conflict, have some armed guards and captains milling about. Besides, shouldn't the heralding of a troublesome wizard be a bit more alarming? Someone with the kind of power it would take to abduct teens in broad daylight doesn't exactly play by the usual set of societal rules. That's all I have for now, keep up the good work, and fare thee well!

~Scoeri




Ventomology says...


I do detail the golden bird in a later scene. We haven't actually seen it yet, so I didn't describe it.
I'll see what I can do about the setting details. Thanks for pointing that out!



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Sun Jan 26, 2014 7:06 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Messenger here for you. I thought I'd be fair and continue reading at least the next chapter to make sure my first impression was not misplaced. So!

“I knocked a feather off it!” he yelled, bursting through the door to Braxton’s room. It might have been the one place in the palace untouched by their mother’s rabid thirst for redecorating.

The first section should begin a new line. Remember that with speaking. Every time a new person begins speaking you need to start a new line. The second part, the bold part, made me laugh. It was quite a comical sentence about his mother.

a smile on what should have been his exhausted face.

Should have been? Did we ever read that he didn't have to stay up all night? I don't remember if I did but I don't think I saw anything about that.

One thing I noticed at this point was your use of descriptive adjectives, and all the big and unfamiliar words you sue. It adds a distinction and maturity to your writing. Actually I've spotted quite a few words I didn't know existed.

The young lady, a brown-haired girl in a pastel blue bodice and skirt, dusted her hands on her cream-colored apron

Yes! This is the little bit of description you were missing in chapter one. See, it doesn't have to be a major addition. Use little snippets like this to do it.

Ah the description of that forest was beautiful. I love describing forests myself, and you did it really well. That fox was strange and funny, and it was a good insert. Urgh is Ferrel annoying or what?

So, I feel like this was a much stronger chapter than the first one .IT had more description, more detail, more BIG words :D and overall just more interesting. You have quite an imagination!
Keep it up!




Ventomology says...


Thanks! I'll definitely fix those points you mentioned. I only hope the coming chapters can meet expectations...



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Sun Jan 26, 2014 6:34 am
AEChronicle wrote a review...



This is, like the first part, very well written. I found myself deeply engrossed in it and did not want to stop reading. You do very well at allowing the story to formulate without to much trouble, and your dialogue and explanations of what is transpiring is quite good.

"He shoved his covers from his person and staggered to his dresser. He’d carved the item himself out of cherry wood, a masterpiece if he said so himself. The dark finish perfectly accompanied the wood of his four-poster bed and brown ceiling. A green and gold rug covered the floor, and the wallpaper was decorated with a tessellated pattern of light green leaves, transforming the room into a well-lit forest."

Here, though, and in a few other places like it, I found myself a bit bored. This is one of the places where explaining things well comes back to bite you. I don't really care what color the bed or the rug or the wallpaper is, and it's not really aiding the story at all, so it's some extra details that aren't needed. The room isn't one of the main character's that needs to be explained about, since we're only in the room for a really short period of time, so it's just information that I'm going to forget by the next sentence.

But other than this, it was quite good.

Thank you buggieDude2340!




Ventomology says...


Heh... I actually started this one to work on a problem I ran in to with my first piece of not adding enough detail! Looks like there's still a lot of work to be done. Thanks a bunch!




"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
— Martin Luther King Jr.