Greetings, my fellow-tribute-but-not-for-much-longer-as-the-Games-are-at-an-end.
I am certain I have reviewed this novel at least up to chapter four, but seeing as the website *shakes fist for dramatic effect* seems to disagree, I shall start anew.
I did so enjoy reading about the little fox - I already know who he is, having read on already, but the first time I read about him, my guess was correct anyway. It's not only his characterisation on which you ought to be congratualted though, for every character I have encountered so far seems to have something which makes them unique. You have on skillfully balanced the characters, giving them both strengths and weaknesses; both of these are vital, as only characters with weaknesses can develope, and yours, it would seem, indeed have the potential to do so.
The only character with whom I am unsatisfied at the moment, is the wizard. I do not know his motive for cursing Dianne and her brother and have read the minimum amount about him, but seeing as he is the antagonist and should only be elaborated upon when appropriate, I suppose he will transcend his "flatness" in due time - or perhaps not.
The first thing Braxton heard the next morning was the triumphant call of his younger brother.
Correct me at any time if I am wrong, but if the narrative is the opposite of the dialogue, should it not be using reported speech? if so, I think "the next day" should be "the following day".
It might have been the one place in the palace untouched by their mother’s rabid thirst for redecorating.
I enjoy the description, but I think the full stop should be replaced with a colon, as an explanation follows.
“A golden feather,” Braxton yawned, “Great.
I often notice that people are unsure of when to use a comma and when to use a full stop: When the dialogue is intermitted with a narrative such as "he/she/it said," the narrative ends with a comma and the second part of the dialogue begins without a capital letter; however, if the first part of the dialogue is concluded and is proceeded with a narrative as mentioned above, the narrative ends with a full stop and the following dialogue begins with a capital letter. Try not to confuse these two instances; here are two examples of how they should be:
~ "I see," the mother scolded her child, "that you have broken another window. Well, this time you will have to pay to have it repaired."
Now compare the above sentence with the one below.
~ "I see that you have broken another window," the mother scolded her child. "Well, this time you will have to pay to have it repaired."
You see the difference?
This was not wonderful.
I am never sure how to react to a this when I see one in a third person narrative. Would anyone please help?
This was not wonderful. It meant that Braxton would have a long day at some point.
I think you should join these two sentences with either a dash or a semi-colon.
He shoved his covers from his person and staggered to his dresser. He’d carved the item himself out of cherry wood, a masterpiece if he said so himself. The dark finish perfectly accompanied the wallpaper, a tessellated pattern of light green leaves that transformed the room into a well-lit forest.
What a delightful discription.
He liked the sensation and hoped that if the family built a new palace, they’d make all of the doors open outwards.
Braxton's family must be extraordinarily wealthy if they can afford to build another palace...
As fast as was possible in his family, Braxton escaped to the city to wander.
What does the underlined mean?
He reached a street with a large, red-painted delicatessen and many people scrambling about.
He has reached the crime scene! He does not know that, though...
“One can never get enough fresh air,” Braxton replied, chuckling.
Does he find her question amusing, or is he deliberately hiding something?
Braxton opened the door, swinging it outwards, and smiled despite himself.
An interesting bit of characterisation, there.
Most everyone around knew Braxton’s preferences for riding...
I assume this is a typo, yes?
A fox, lean and smooth with a shiny copper coat slinked into the meadow.
I like foxes, but I think slender would describe their build better; I think lean is a better desciption for other canines such as cape wild dogs and wolves than foxes.
It reared to sit on its hind legs and threw a weak punch; its fox legs were not meant for that kind of motion.
As I have mentioned earlier, I absolutely adore this little fox, but I think Braxton is a little slow - where would a fox have learnt how to throw a punch? I suppose the fault is not his though, but rather that of dramatic irony. It's so frustrating!
“It wouldn’t be fair, little fox. You have claws and teeth as weapons and I’m unarmed!
I like Braxton a little bit more, now.
“Well I’m the one picking a fight with you!” it screamed.
That might be slightly too vehement a reaction... I think called would be more suitable.
Listening to false compliments was not something Braxton enjoyed.
Do royalty extend their façade even to their immediate family, or do they have guests?
“Father,” Braxton began, “if I may.”
Questions ought to end with question marks.
“You are to stay up tomorrow to attempt at catching the golden bird, clear?”
I apologise if I am a little slow, but why is catching this bird so important? It only steals fruit as far as I know.
If you are frightened by the amount of quotes I have used, fear not, for they are merely minor errors; in fact, I quite enjoyed this chapter. Your characterisation is satisfactory and the plot is developing at an appropriate pace.
Rating for this text: four stars (excellent)
Points: 17344
Reviews: 293
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