Braxton could think of only one thing once he realized he was stuck. Randall had offered to not call him a wuss, even if he bailed and left his brother in this inn. It might have been a good idea to accept that.
Of course, there wasn’t exactly anything Braxton could do now. No way could he take on a mob of this size, and he wasn’t sure if the windows could be broken for a hasty, yet dangerous escape. Gulping, Braxton raised both hands in surrender and let his mouth run.
“I’m sorry, good folks, but I just decided that this place is far too fancy for my tastes. You know, some rich people prefer pretending to be poor! But I guess my clothes don’t really reflect that, hmm?”
The crowd continued its advance, slowly forming a semicircle that Braxton could never break through. He had blown his chance to try the windows. How stupid. “Look here. I know you want me to have fun with you all, but I’m not tolerant of alcohol, and I just know you will want me to drink some. Besides, there will always be another patron soon enough, right?”
That was not the right thing to say, because the moment the words left his mouth, the front door flew open, shoving Braxton into the writhing crowd. They clawed at his suit, giving no mercy. A few punches and slaps bruised his face, and he was fairly sure someone went so far as to bite him. Then, as the smell of spiced pork pie overpowered his senses, Braxton felt something massive crash into his skull. He dropped to his knees, feeling a second blow to his gut before falling into the sickly warm arms of the mob. Braxton fell limp, and lost consciousness.
When he awoke, Braxton nearly cried. Thick grass blanketed the ground beneath him, and the stars twinkled serenely in the black sky. It was so good to be alive!
“Whoa, Prince,” said a scratchy voice, “you can’t go crying tears of joy yet. Look at yourself!”
He did just that, examining his hands carefully in the low light. “I don’t understand,” he mumbled, “what am I supposed to see?”
Suddenly, he felt the strangest jolt he’d ever had. It was as though someone had reached into his chest and nudged his heart a little. Maybe that was what Gordon felt when he met Lady Avondale for the first time.
“My god, you’re turning pink!” scolded the scratchy voice. It was Randall, of course. Braxton turned to the voice and wrapped his arms around his faithful friend, but stopped short, finally understanding what had happened.
“Am I,” he stammered, “a wandering soul?”
Randall nodded, his lips curling to reveal sharp canines. “Yes, you idiot. What did I tell you? Don’t eat or drink anything! And look what happened!”
Glancing around at the woods that surrounded this grassy clearing, Braxton tried to remember whether or not he ate anything. He had not. Did he drink? No, of course not. “But I didn’t. I followed your instructions. I was about to leave and ask you if you might sniff the area to see if Gordon had left while you came for me, but then…”
The fox did not look impressed. He motioned clumsily with his paw for Braxton to continue.
“I tried to leave and then… I was beaten. I think. It’s all so fuzzy. Some little girl grabbed onto me and then everyone started gathering around me and I for some reason stumbled forward and then… nothing after that.”
After muttering a curse word under his breath, Randall, rustled the grass angrily with his tail. “Well since you’re a ghost now, and not completely useful for finding the lost Tradors, I say we go visit them and explain. I think the flowery people will understand. Then they can ask someone else for help sooner.”
“That sounds good. Can we still travel the way we did earlier?”
“I think so. You’ll just have to concentrate harder on grabbing my tail. I think. Come to think, why is it that I can see you? I bet it’s because you happened to reappear inside this fairy ring. Come on, let’s go.” Randall jumped to his feet, waving his tail like a cat’s toy feather.
Willing himself to be at least partially tangible, Braxton took hold of Randall’s tail. He pondered the strange feeling of someone touching his very soul, nearly letting the fox’s fur slip through his hands as they raced back over the patchwork landscape. Now, rather than bright greens and browns, Braxton could only see the dull colors of night, and the rare twinkle of town lights.
Randall crashed to a stop right behind the thick trunk of a pine tree. Just beyond, Braxton could see fields of muted color, all blooms which had closed their petals for the night. Cloudless and cool, the Trador gardens felt just as serene that evening as they did in the day.
“Here we are,” Randall said, clearing away a patch of pine needles from the ground. “You can go haunt them or something and then we’ll find your brother tomorrow morning. I’m going to sleep.”
“Aren’t you coming?” Braxton asked.
Curling his tail around his body, Randall snorted. “Nu-uh. If I go on the property, it’s all over. Now go already.” He buried his face in his fur and flattened his ears. Braxton was not going to get more out of him.
Since Randall wasn’t going to budge, Braxton turned back to the Trador estate. But the moment his ghostly figure crossed into the flower field, he felt the odd sensation that something pulled at his essence. Worried that some enchantment might drag his soul back to the inn, Braxton quickened. He passed through the tulips, not nudging even one of them. Eventually, he reached the mansion. It looked as perfect as it had last time, the roses winding up and down pure white trellises. Braxton concentrated on making himself as intangible as possible before stepping through a white double door.
He emerged into a hallway with white-washed walls and a rose marble floor. Tables stood at regular intervals on either side of the hall, vases with rare orchids and particularly brilliant flower specimens atop them. Braxton strolled until he reached the first set of branch halls and turned right, hoping he would have enough time to find the Tradors.
Only a small study and the kitchens and servants’ quarters awaited him down that first hall. On the left was the parlor and two larger, more elaborate studies. It took three more tries before Braxton found the master bedroom. He first walked into what must have been Randall’s room. By the window, the Trador heir had a large table covered in diagrams. A stray pen and bottle of ink lay in the middle, and Braxton knew exactly how he’d tell the Tradors. He wouldn’t even have to wake them.
Forcing himself to be solid, Braxton opened the ink and dipped the pen in. He wrote his message, explaining how he’d turned into a spirit, before returning everything to its original place. He tore off his message and accidentally ripped the corner from a complicated mandala before hurrying to find the master bedroom.
The second room Braxton entered also seemed to be Randall’s room. Wooden soldiers lay dead or wounded all over the floor. On the windowsill sat a line of potted plants, and the desk was covered by an open botany book. He had not heard of a third child, and the bed was empty, so which room was which?
Realizing that he’d been snooping too long, Braxton chided himself and slipped back into the hallway. The next room, luckily, was the master bedroom. After a quick peek to make sure- he couldn’t just walk in on them sleeping -Braxton slipped the note under the door and scurried out of the mansion.
It was morning by the time he met with Randall again. The fox sat straight at attention, waving his tail irritably until Braxton finally crashed into the pines.
“Slow,” Randall accused. “You are impossibly slow.”
“Yes, I know. Now why don’t you eat something before we find Ferrell? He’ll sleep until noon since neither I nor Gordon is there for him to annoy.”
Though probably skeptical, Randall did as was suggested, leaving Braxton to stand idly by the pine tree. The Prince used the solitude to mutter about all the ridiculous things happening around him. He wondered why Randall had to take him and his brother to that inn, and why Randall couldn’t go on the Trador property. By the time the fox returned, blood dotting his white cheeks, bright light filtered through the pine trees, and Braxton had not reached any firm conclusions.
“Ground looks like fawn’s fur, doesn’t it?” Randall asked, licking his lips. “Boy would I like to eat a fawn. Or a whole deer.”
“Glutton,” Braxton muttered, grabbing hold of the fox’s tail. The usual shiver ran through him as Randall counted to three and took off.
End of chapter
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Greetings.
The incident with Braxton and the inn went mostly as I had expected, though I had not expected the fairy circle, so well done with that. Overall, your chapter was as good as its predecessors; there wasn't anything remarkable, per se, but neither was it terrible (thank goodness!) and besides, not all chapters of a novel will be interesting. As long as it exists for a reason and enough effort has gone into it, you may pat yourself on the back.
This sentence could have been phrased a lot better. I'd rather you replace the underlined with "Braxton could think of only one thing..." Also, as an explanation/elaboration follows, I think you should end this sentence with a colon instead of a full stop.
Just because the doors open inwards, it does not mean he cannot still open them...
When it comes to dialogue, anything is allowed, but in the narrative, your writing should be grammatically correct - no exceptions. Now, this is a rule not too many are aware of, but you should avoid ending sentences with a preposition whenever possible. Take the sentence I have just written as an example: Instead of "...this is a rule not too many are aware of..." I should have written "... this is a rule of which not too many are aware..." Not only is the sentence grammatically correct, but now the verb is emphasised and not the preposition. When writing your characters' dialogue, you can apply less commonly-known rules such "I/We shall, not will" , "May I borrow, not can I borrow" and "through which he could never break, not that he could never break through".
I can understand how it was not the right thing to say if his words had angered the people, but seeing as the doors only blew open, I do not see how it is relevant. Unless someone from the crowd forced the doors to magically open.
It's just woke.
I think here you should either say grabbed me or latched onto me, otherwise you have a contamination.
Not only in this instance, but in the previous few paragraphs as well, Randall's less pleasant and more impatient side comes to front. I am not complaining though, as this proves that he is a round character; everybody gets annoyed every now and then.
Does Randall not know he is a Trador? If not, why is Braxton not saying anything?
An of it is missing after the "think".
How did Braxton come to be in that fairy ring?
Five paragraphs before this one, braxton mentioned his soul being tugged. Mentioning soul again so soon is a little tiresome, so perhaps you could replace it with something like being or essence?
I can easily visualise this scene, so I commend you for your descriptive talents.
Did her forget about Dianne?
I understand that Braxton still moves as he would normally have, it's just strange visualising a ghost scurrying.
If it took him the whole night, then I agree.
A good ending.
This chapter is satisfactory, not that the others weren't, but I am not looking forward to what's to happen next for the simple reason that Ferrell will probably be unbearably egotistic. I shall have to mentally prepare a hot frying pan for him... Or perhaps I should fantasise dropping a boulder on him? Maybe then he'll be more down to earth... Too bad it's only in fantasy. *sighs*
Ugh... I hate the preposition rule. Even if it's correct, it makes the writing seem a little stiff. I'll see what I can do about that one.
As for the soul part, I'll definitely change that up!
Thanks for the awesome review, as always!
Do not worry, avoiding end-of-sentence prepositions is the aspect of English with which I struggle the most. Half of the times, I notice one has slipped into my writing and then I hasten to remove it. Sometimes, however, the grammatically correct way simply sounds too awkward and I keep the preposition at the end of the sentence, at least until somebody has a better suggestion.
Hey, uh, buggie; black here for a review.
Ohkay, generally I don't put much stock in "AWESOME JOB", "GOOD WORK, LOVED IT!" type sentences, I have to say that this piece was very well done. Your descriptions and characters especially are really really neatly done, I started reading and couldn't stop till I was done. Now, after this review (though I really should do it before) I'm gonna have to go read the previous chapters so I can figure out exactly what's going on.
Reviewing? I do truly appreciate your characters and descriptions, but if (as previously mentioned, I do believe), you used what your character sees and feels (and dialogue, yes) to describe things a bit, it would help you. I always used to write my description in big blocks of narrative summary, much less interesting than the way you do it. Even I was bored when reading it through!
Now, granted, you're much better at this than me, so be sure to keep an open mind when I advise you to try to break things down a bit. The details you put in are perfect; really interesting, and entertaining, but they would be more so if you thought about the following paragraph a bit and tried to apply it.
Readers read for the emotional experience. For them to get a good emotional experience you must create a realistic 'vision' for them, using an active, engaging style. When you read a novel you put yourself in the main characters shoes and 'step out of the real world' for a bit to enjoy something different. Something I've read about here and there in books on writing fiction is this "If the character cares about it, then the reader will too". From this I have created the idea that you should only show something to your reader (through your MC) if it MEANS something to that character. If it means nothing too them, then the reader won't feel anything . . . so why do it?
For details maybe? No. Readers fill in the blanks of the vision with their imaginations; spurred on by what your character feels about the worthy-of-mentioning details in the story. No need to put them in yourself. Try to put in ONLY the things that your character has some feeling about. A particular sheets pattern that reminds them of the pattern of the carpet they were standing on when they got the news of their brothers death. That pattern means something to the main character (even if only in a second hand way) and is therefore worth mentioning. If it means something to the MC, it will mean something to the reader; thus making it important. You mention the details of the carpet (Oriental fluffy rug?), the reader can fill in the rest. It doesn't matter if your reader is right or not, you won't be interacting with those other details (and if you do, you'll mention them).
I think if you tried to do that, slicing out some of these less interesting details, you'd be able to improve your narrative summary and description (the bulk of this piece) 100%. Remember though: The decision is yours. Keep an open mind about it, and let me know what you think of the idea.
Really, that's all I have to say about this piece. You did a really good job and I'm definitely gonna read some more of it (and look forward to the rest as you write it). Feel free to drop me a link in my profile when you finish sections so I can keep up with it! I'd really like that. Also: Be sure to get back to me on this review so I can know what you think. Please. It'll help my future reviews and let me know my mistakes so I can make less in the future.
~Black~
Cricket down here noticed the description issue, I can see. Get back to me on my suggestion, please!
Ooh, yes. I see what you're getting at. Sorry I got back to you so late too; spring break vacations are electronic-free in my house.
Thanks!
Hey there! Cricket has returned to review another chapter and to return the favor!!!!
Well.....I'm going to start off with the nitpicks!!!!
So this paragraph I think that it could use description that is more colorful. But its not a big deal, just something that I think needs to be worked on.
Overall your descriptions are super, but sometimes I do think they could use a little working on. Like when he's going through the mansion. Like happyslappy, I think they could use a little more description. I didn't really have a clear picture in my mind of what everything looked like, and for a situation like this, its essential. But other than that, everything is super.
haha, this part I thought was hilarious!!! Reminds me of my little brother come to think of it.
So anyway, great story, and AWESOME WRITING!!!! You have improved A LOT since starting this!!!!
Well hope I helped!!!
Thanks, Cricket! (What do you mean favor? Did I review something of yours?)
And sorry I'm late. I was on vacation with family.
Yeah, you reviewed my work called God Called her Home. LOL
Okay! Now of course I haven't read previous installments of this series, but that isn't going to stop me from reviewing, is it?
What I like about your writing is something that I usually lack: eccentric characters and flavorful dialogue. I feel your dialogue alone describes the characters in my mind, using other descriptions such as 'scratchy voice' or 'licking his lips' just to emphasize further. Just saying, well done there.
Now what I felt was slightly flawed in your work is another thing I struggle with: room descriptions. Of course this doesn't have to apply to a room, but in your case it does. I've noticed that your descriptions of what is around the characters seem to be rushing; it's like you're trying to say as much important description to the story in minimal time so that you can get right on back to that dialogue. Since your characters are already painting the story, perhaps you can include descriptions within their dialogue. Just a suggestion.
Overall, very well done!
Keep on' writing!
Ooh, I like that idea. Using dialogue to assist in setting? I wish I'd thought of that sooner.
Thanks a ton!