Golden Bird, Red Fox: Chapter four

by Ventomology

Published January 31, 2014

E - Everyone

In Golden Bird; Red Fox

Braxton did not sleep the next day. His morning was dominated by a swooning mother and not-so-disappointed father. They mostly expected this sort of thing to happen, Braxton being the second son and not good for anything except being there. Gordon would inherit the throne, Ferrell would be a first-class knight in shining armor, and Braxton would carve wood.

“I’m glad you gave it your best shot,” his mother said during their luncheon picnic, smiling affectionately. Immediately afterwards, she turned her attention towards Ferrell and pep-talked at him until the third prince could only force a reluctant grin.

Eager to avoid Gordon, who was likely in the mood for sharing sorrows, Braxton asked if he might be excused. He walked hurriedly to the stables and was soon on his way to Trador to tell the Baron and Baroness what he had learned from the advertisement. He and his horse dawdled on the ride there, stopping to literally smell the roses.

“Oh! Prince Braxton?” he heard someone call. Looking up, he spotted the Baron and Baroness taking a stroll in their garden. How embarrassing; he'd been caught loitering.

“Oh, um, good day, Baron and Baroness.”

“It’s good to see you again,” the lady called, waving a delicate hand, “Have you learned much about our son and daughter?”

“Yes!” Braxton shouted, “Apparently your daughter was stolen by a wizard while wandering the streets.”

Both nobles gasped before rushing to the fence to speak more quietly with Braxton. “Dismount here,” the Baron said, “Lead your horse along and follow us. A servant will meet us to take the horse to the stables, and once that's been done, climb over the fence and we can discuss more serious matters.”

Nodding, Braxton slid off his mare and leaned down to listen to the Baroness’s quaking voice.

“I’m afraid we did not anticipate this,” she said, “You see, the wizard threatened to put the mastermind behind our gardens to eternal sleep because he was envious.”

“I can understand why,” Braxton whispered.

“Yes, but it never occurred to us that he would think Dianne the designer. It’s common knowledge among staff, and even in town, that Randall does the gardens.”

A servant hurried towards their group, and Braxton handed him the reigns before leaping over the low, iron fence. He nearly got his jacket caught on a rosebush as he landed. “Well, according to the information I received, your daughter yelled at a wizard before they disappeared.”

The Baron grunted and rubbed his temples with one hand as he led the group away from the fence. “I should have seen that. You should know she’s very protective of her younger brother. She probably made some kind of deal with the wizard to have him put her to eternal sleep, and then ended up having the deal broken, and now both of them are under this curse.”

“Oh, and I have a question,” Braxton said, lowering his voice further, “I met an enchanted fox who claims that a redhead at this estate helped him out. Do either of you know what he was talking about?”

“No,” the Baroness said, resting a hand on her lip.

“Both of our children are red-headed,” the Baron said, “so it could be either of them, but I doubt they would have done something without telling us.”

“Unless,” the Baroness started, “unless that fox is Randall. You remember, right dear?” She turned to her husband.

“What?” Braxton asked.

“Well, Dianne used to help Randall with his school work. She’s bright as a button, even if she can’t tell which way is east at sunrise, and she’s the one who probably taught Randall his school subjects, not his teachers.”

Braxton scratched his head, looking at the maze of rose bushes. “I have a hard time understanding why he wouldn’t just say he was Randall though.”

“It was probably part of the curse. I doubt he’s allowed to tell you he’s actually Randall, so he gave you a hint.”

Suddenly it all clicked. Braxton stared up at the cloudless blue sky, connecting the dots in his head. “So the wizard was jealous of Randall’s gardens and threatened to take him away and put him in some magic slumber, right?”

The Baron and Baroness nodded, eyes focused on Braxton.

“But Dianne, being protective of her brother, didn’t want that to happen, so she made a deal with the wizard to have him put her to sleep. She was taken away, and the wizard turned back on his word and turned her brother into a fox. It makes perfect sense!”

Both nobles hugged each other, glad that they were finally on the right track. They thanked Braxton incessantly and insisted that he stay for dinner, however necessary it be that he return home. Braxton finally saw the intricate patterns of the gardens from the dining hall windows. Fields of blooms swirled through interwoven spirals with a deep green background.

It wasn’t until after sunset that Braxton returned home. He crept quietly through the palace, glad for the Eastern carpets that softened his footsteps. By now, Ferrell had settled himself somewhere in the orchard, and the fox was telling him how to catch the golden bird. Braxton paused outside the parlor, listening to a tinkling minuet that floated out the door, and he corrected himself for calling the fox simply ‘fox’. He was Randall, the heir of Trador.

He pressed onwards through the hallways, eager to make up for his loss of sleep the previous night.

Morning came far too quickly. No one interrupted Braxton’s sleep except the sun; he had foolishly left his curtains drawn. He blinked awake before remembering. Ferrell had stayed in the orchard last night.

Braxton leapt from his bed, nearly bonking his head on one of the posters. Throwing on a blazer, he burst through his door and padded quickly through the palace.

His family had already assembled in the dining hall, gathered around a metal cage that sat on the tile floor. Everyone except Ferrell and Braxton still stood groggily in their nightclothes.

“Nice to see you could join us,” Ferrell sang, smirking at his brother.

Braxton scowled. “I had a long night yesterday. I imagine you’ll want a few extra hours of sleep as well.”

“Oh, Braxton! You’re awake?” It was his mother, sounding far perkier than she looked. Her voice squealed in pure excitement. “Have you seen? Ferrell caught the golden bird!” She moved away from the cage to allow Braxton a good view.

Everything about the cage looked fit for royalty. Delicate brass wires spiraled to the roof of the cage, and ornaments of gold and silver decorated the door and top. Inside was perched a bird of equal majesty. It preened its shiny golden tail feathers, shaking precious flakes from the crest atop its head. The bird looked about the size of a goose, with elaborate patterns of gold, black, and white feathers on its tucked wings.

“It’s certainly a pretty bird,” Braxton said, almost wishing he'd caught it himself. But then again, better to have Ferrell take the blame if anything went wrong.

“I caught it with my bare hands,” Ferrell gloated. “There was a fox who told me to set a trap for it, and to use some wooden cage that was already prepared, but that’s such a stupid idea!” In a fit of pride, Ferrell stuck a finger through the bars of the cage to stroke the bird’s head. “I mean, a wooden cage couldn’t do this lovely creature any justice.”

Braxton raised his eyebrows before noticing that the bird had stopped preening. Its beady black eyes peered suspiciously at Ferrell’s dangerously nearing finger. And then Braxton saw them. Golden talons that pierced clean through the metal perch provided for it. He widened his eyes and inhaled, ready to warn his brother, but he was too late.

The bird rose to the top of the cage, the perch falling apart as talons ripped through it as easily as Braxton ripped paper. Ferrell turned to see his finger nearly suffer the same fate. He pulled back, panicking. “What?”

With a squawk that could shred the ears of the deaf, the bird bit at the cage, ripping it apart at the seam of the wires before shooting out. It flapped noisily around the dining hall, chopping off parts of the chandelier before slamming into the windows. Screaming, it rammed into the glass again and again. Then a clinking sound silenced the room. The gigantic window pane erupted into a spider web of cracks before shattering into a wave of slivers and setting the golden bird free.

“You should have listened to the fox,” Braxton muttered, the crash of glass drowning out his voice. He shooed his curious mother away from the shards that covered the floor and called for servants with good shoes to assist with cleanup.

Pulling his brother to the side, Braxton hissed, “There’s a reason why we listen to enchanted animals.”

His brother flinched before recovering and flicking at his hair. “Yes, but it was a fox! You know what foxes symbolize.”

Braxton glanced around the room to ensure that his other relatives had all left for their rooms before continuing. “Yes, but that fox happens to be the lost heir of Trador I’ve been looking for. Listen to me, Ferrell, you have to help me turn him back.”

Ferrell raised an eyebrow. “What will I get out of it?”

“I don’t know!” Braxton whispered frantically, “his sister?”

“His sister is the one who blew her top at a wizard, isn’t she?” Ferrell placed a hand on his chin and scrunched his face in contemplation. “Well, if she’s pretty, I wouldn’t mind her attitude.”

Braxton sighed in relief. “I assure you she’s just that. Most nobles are, and her mother is prettier than ours.”

Snorting, Ferrell agreed to help. The younger prince flitted around any broken glass he spotted, even though his boots would keep him from getting injured, and left the dining room.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
BrumalHunter
Review
BrumalHunter wrote a review Review · Jun 13, 2014

Once again, I greet you.

Thankfully, Braxton seems to be less spiteful now, but his younger brother is still as obnoxious, vainglorious and stubborn as ever. I am also happy that the wizard now has a motive for cursing the Trador boy and, subsequently, his sister, but though it is adequate, I always love a round antagonist with a background story, or "backstory", as I like to call it. He simply seems envious to me, but while depicting the antagonist as purely evil can be tired at times, it certainly helps when you want your ending to be the "good-triumphs-over-evil-scenario", which always leaves the reader with a feeling of satisfaction. :)


They mostly expected this sort of thing to happen, Braxton being the second son and not good for anything except being there.

I can see why Braxton is not too fond of his family... ouch.

Immediately, she turned her attention towards Ferrell and pep-talked at him until the third prince could only force a reluctant grin.

I think writing Immediately afterwards would better achieve the effect you desired.

He and his horse dawdled on the ride there, stopping to literally smell the roses.

I enjoy reading anything which even vaguely resembles a pun.

“Oh, um, hello, Baron and Baroness.”

I think Braxton's greeting is too informal for greeting another noble family.

A servant will meet us to take the horse to the stables, and once that has happened, climb over the fence and we can discuss more serious matters.”

I would rather replace "after that has happened" with "after that has been done". In addition, I think it hilarious that a prince would clamber over a fence, an act which would quite possibly cost him his dignity; if Braxton is embarrassed over being caught loitering, how would that make him feel?

Nodding, Braxton slid off his mare and leaned down to listen to the Baroness’s quaking voice.

It seems as if Braxton only followed the first part of the baroness' instructions, as I don't read anything about his climbing voer fences; Braxton simply dismounts and then the conversation begins.

“But Dianne, being protective of her brother, didn’t want that to happen, so she made a deal with the wizard to have him put her to sleep. She was taken away, and the wizard turned back on his word and turned her brother into a fox. It makes perfect sense!”

I knew it! Braxton is close, but not there yet.

“Yes, but it was a fox! A fox! You know what foxes symbolize.”

I understand what you were trying to achieve with the repetition of "the fox!", but I think it would be better if only the repetition ended with an exclamation mark and the first "the fox" ended with a full stop.

Ferrell raised an eyebrow. “What will I get out of it?”

The impudence!


In general, I like this chapter better than the previous. Braxton is more tolerable at least, but I should still very much like to throttle Ferrel, if you know what I mean. ;)

Rating for this text: four stars (excellent)

You will continue to want to throttle Ferrell; I guarantee it.
Oh, and thanks a ton for catching all those points with the fence! I'll see to those right away.
Your review was as helpful as always! Thank you so much!

You are very welcome!

User avatar
Scoeri
Review
Scoeri wrote a review Review · Mar 17, 2014

Not bad. Not bad at all. Although I do have a few complaints. First and foremost, you are waaaay too direct. It feels like you're just trying to rush the story. Add more fluff, more filler, more stuff in general. The people in your conversations stay eerily on topic. Listen to a conversation between you and someone else sometime. You'll be quick to notice that our minds tend to wander whilst we speak. You should try to emulate the same thing. Also, you once again tend to just go straight for the kill. You tell the bare minimum and make precious few observations and descriptions of things. Instead of just having the Tradors appear, have them walk in and things like that. Just describe things more. Also, are Wizards in your world inherently evil or something? Because if I was a wizard and jealous of someones garden, I wouldn't turn them into a fox unless there was a bit more to the situation. And even then I'd start by burning the garden down or something. As for things you do well, the whole concept has LOTS of potential, even if it's a bit cliche. Also, I feel like this chapter should make things snap into place, which it kind of does, but not to the right extent. It muddles what we learn in the first chapter a bit. Your action is great by the way, but again, you shouldn't go straight for the kill. Stop to think about what should be happening in the mean time, and write all of it down. Finally, nobles were rarely good looking. That is all. Good job, keep up the good work and all that jazz,

~Scoeri

P.S. No, I'm not dead. Just on hiatus.

Thanks, Scoeri! I'll see what I can do about the whole directness thing, but the wizard bit was intentional. (Laughs evilly)

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review
TimmyJake wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2014

Timmy here for another review... The last one for you, unless there is a chapter I am missing...

I will start off just like the others!

Nitpicks

They mostly expected this sort of thing to happen, Braxton being the second son and not good for anything except being there. Gordon would inherit the throne, Ferrell would be a first-class knight in shining armor, and Braxton could carve wood.


So firstly, I always thought that it was the youngest that received nothing really, not the second oldest... I know the youngest was always left out... The one who wasn't held up like the rest. Correct me if I am wrong, though.

Next, and this is a small nitpick, something repeats throughout the last sentence. Gordon would. Ferrel would. And then, Braxton could. I think you should change the last one to would as well to match the others. Yes, I know. Its a dumb nitpick! But I had to point it out...

Looking up, he spotted the Baron and Baroness taking a stroll in their garden. How embarrassing. ---I'm confused here... How would that be embarrassing?


Braxton finally saw the intricate patterns of the gardens from the dining hall windows. Fields of blooms swirled through interwoven spirals with a deep green background. ---I am sorry. This is a wonderful description and its very vivid, but it doesn't fit in... They are inviting him to dinner... the description should be something relating to that. The description to the garden belongs elsewhere in your story, like in the beginning when he first comes into it.


The younger prince flitted around any broken glass he spotted, even ---Flitted just doesn't sound right. Its like you are describing a bird, not a booted prince... Maybe, skirted around?


Time for Nice things, now!

Your story is unfolding in a spectacular fashion now!! Before, everything was a little rough, and the awkward sentences were more prominent. Now? I could barely find any nitpicks, and those that I did catch were tiny! So good job! :D

I am loving your style, which tells everything so wonderfully. Everything flows so well, has such vivid imagery, and I love your style of writing. Ahhh.... Such beautiful work there! :D

I am going to go bother someone else now! Great job on this! :D
~Timmyjake

Thanks a ton! I actually have five and six up, but they were posted more recently, so they might show up somewhere else... And huge question: how do you do the separated quotes?

ohhh... ok. I will try to point this out in a way that doesn't confuse you. :P

[*quote]add text here[*/quote] That is the code for it, but leave out the *
Hope that helped! :D

Ah! It's the same as the images one. I get it. Thanks again!

ThereseCricket wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2014

Cricket here for a review!
I know! I know! It almost seems like I'm shadowing you. But I honestly can't help it. This story is so cute and totally awesome! I just couldn't stop myself.

His brother flinched before recovering and flicking at his hair. “Yes, but it was a fox! A fox! You know what foxes symbolize.”


This part just has a little problem. "And flicking at his hair." put an and right next to that so it will read" and flicking at his hair he said." Yes, but is was a fox." Sounds a bit better to my ears.

He and his horse dawdled on the ride there, stopping to literally smell the roses.


This is way to short to be its own paragraph. A paragraph is usually 4 to 5 sentences, so try adding on to this.

The Baron and Baroness nodded, eyes focused on Braxton.


Same problem here.

There is one thing that I don't think is right though. His brother catches the bird and when the bird escapes the brother doesn't say anything that shows that he is upset about it. So maybe you could put something in there that shows that Ferrell is a little upset.

The younger prince flitted around any broken glass he spotted, even though his boots would keep him from getting injured, and left the dining room.


Now this sentence doesn't seem to flow very well. And I don't think you should use the word flitted. Princes don't flit. Fairies flit.

OK! Well that's it for the nitpicks!

This is an amazing chapter! Very well written!

I absolutely love this paragraph!

Everything about the cage looked fit for royalty. Delicate brass wires spiraled to the roof of the cage, and ornaments of gold and silver decorated the door and top. Inside was perched a bird of equal majesty. It preened its shiny golden tail feathers, shaking precious flakes from the crest atop its head. The bird looked about the size of a goose, with elaborate patterns of gold, black, and white feathers on its tucked wings.


I just love the way you describe the cage and the bird and just everything! But anyway I'm just ranting! So bye! I really hope I helped!

Thank you! I'll fix up those points ASAP!

User avatar
Shannon
Comment
Shannon commented Comment · Feb 1, 2014

:D awesome! You're super talented plz put next chapter up soon too. This is a fantastic story.

I'm working on it right now! Thanks!



Why can't I put the entire Bee Movie in the quote generator? Would you prefer if I put in the Shrek script instead?
— CaptainJack