The Overlooked and Underestimated

by eldEr

Published January 24, 2014

18+ Language Violence Mature Content

In ~*New*~ Poetry

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

And this is a thing that I did. I'm pretty sure that it was meant to be spoken word. I'm mostly worried about the flow of the last stanza, but I can't figure out how to fix the lines.

_________________________________________________________________

Stick your stuff all up in her, it'll show her that she likes it.
Dykes don't deserve much better- they're worse than the regulars.
Beat her down and throw her back in the closet,
call it a mercy that your chivalry was poking through.
But I'll tell you a secret, and it's that we don't wanna see it-
do your fly back up or their fists will meet your face.
Stick your stuff all up in her, it's an act of mercy.
Permanent psychological damage won't break her identity.
Undo that button again, and these dykes will show you something.

Tie him to a fence post and bloody him up.
His heart's not beating anymore, but at least you've made a point.
Kids walk around with tape on their mouths and rainbows on their shirts,
and they'll never forgive this boy's best friends.
It's the funny thing about being a faggot-
see, rainbows don't strut their stuff just to die unnoticed.
Shoot another one in the head, it's a charity to society.
One man's blood won't break another's identity.
Bulk up your fists again, and these fags will show you something.

Stomp on his chest 'cause you'll know it'll hurt him.
Remind him about what he's got, and that he can't be what he isn't.
Throw him against a mirror and whip it out-
show him a thing or two about what it means to be one of you.
Call it putting him back in his place,
but I'll tell you something about the he-tranny.
He's not the silent type, not even if he doesn't make it out of this alive.
He's got a voice, and bet your sweet ass, someone's gonna hear it.
Play reminder again, and these he-trannies will show you something.

Rip off her clothes and stick her in lingerie- create a fetish.
Toss her a system where she can't be anything else, shout, "God bless objectification!"
She lives on the streets and she's working the corner-
don't nobody love her, that's not what trannies are made for.
Scream if she walks into the ladies'; dominate if she walks into the men's.
Beat her senseless if you ever so happen to catch wind that what she is isn't on her certificate.
But the trannies don't go down before they breathe a little fire,
and come tomorrow, they'll all march for her honour.
Treat her like garbage again, and these girls will show you something.

Tear up their clothes so you know what they've got,
scream, "You don't exist!" and snuff the voice of the shemale.
Expose them and you're doing everyone a favour, telling them something
that you never deserved to know; glory to 'accurate.'
but that's the thing about the non-binary.
They tear up code like it's their day-job, so stop throwing dictionaries.
They're gathering their voice and they're not getting any quieter
Play definition again, and the shemales will show you something.


Touch another hair on any of their precious heads
and I'll make sure that my vengeance comes back to haunt you.
You say you've got balls- sure as hell I'll prove it to you.
All it takes is a swift kick and you're doubled over.
Don't underestimate people who won't underestimate you.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Ravenboy
Review
Ravenboy wrote a review Review · Feb 16, 2014

Hi Isha, Raven here for his long over-due review. ^_^

Actually, this isn't going to be much of a review because everyone else is already stolen my words away. But I really wanted to say to you, my brain exploded after reading this in a really good way. This is one of the few poems I have read since coming back on, and it is by far the most powerful. You inserted a certain amount of anger, but not too much. To make this poem dynamic, it really sends that punch out to the readers.

Nice work!

-Rx

User avatar
Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review Review · Jan 27, 2014

Powerful, Isha. So very power.

I read this a few days ago and noticed a repetition of the last stanza in various parts of the poem, and let me just say that I am so pleased that you cut them out. This poem is just so strong, and having only one of that stanza only makes it stronger. It had less of an impact and it was more of a distraction when you had it so many times in there.

This poem really speaks to me. It's just so powerful. You put so much emotion into this. I think you captured a lot in this, particularly the unsung voices of transgenders. You were very detailed with how mistreated they are; you clearly outlined how inhumane they are treated and the bare minimum of things they have to deal with.

I'm speechless. You asked me to critique this and I can't. I just loved this. Normally, I don't like lengthy poems, but this was perfect. There's no way you could cut any of it out. Every line resonated with a powerful impact and I just loved this very much. Thank you for sharing.

User avatar
niteowl
Review
niteowl wrote a review Review · Jan 26, 2014

Hi Isha! Nite here to review for the Cobalt Critiquers this fine Review Day!

Now, overall, this is excellent. The imagery is vicious and gets the message across.

My main suggestion would be the organization. I agree with Strange about only saying the repeated verse at the end. I think it would have more impact that way.

Another thing that might be interesting is to move the "But these X will show you something" lines to the end right before "Touch another hair...". So you'd pummel the reader/listener with victim after victim, then reveal that these people aren't voiceless, aren't nameless, and they're ready to fight, and then that you'll fight too. Does that make sense?

Overall, this is powerful. Great job and keep writing! :)

eldEr replied · Jan 26, 2014

First suggestion done :P I'm going to play with words a little before I hack off the last lines and move them, but that also sounds like a really cool idea. Thanks. :)

User avatar
sanjeev4puli
Comment
sanjeev4puli commented Comment · Jan 24, 2014

nice

User avatar
Willard
Review
Willard wrote a review Review · Jan 24, 2014

Hola, Strange here and I have a review for you!
First of all, I love your avatar. It's so amazing
This does work well as a spoken poem, until, you guessed it.
The last paragraph.
I don't really like how you repeat "You say you've got balls- sure as hell I'll prove it to you.
All it takes is a swift kick and you're doubled over."
I think it would be better if it was just in the last paragraph. Also, the last line is jumbled. As a spoken poem, or overall poem, it doesn't work. Say it over again
" Don't underestimate a people who don't underestimate you."
You were either aiming for
"Don't underestimate a person who doesn't underestimate you."
Or....
"Don't underestimate people who don't underestimate you."
Either one works, but whatever floats your boat.
Otherwise, I really like it. It's really strong and proves your point stronger than "THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS *Insert an egg on a frying pan*" I love this. It really hits hard. You tackled a point, and you made it fumble. That's how clean it is.
Overall, BRAVO!!
Strange gives you...
9.4/10
Great job
Keep writing
Stay Groovy




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— Solomon Short