sometimes a river. sometimes an ocean.
i've wrapped myself around the earth three times. the frame is perfectly circular, layered as it is, and it engulfs the base of every mountain, and sustain the forests.
i keep countries separated where they need to be, and joined where they need to be, because sometimes, people overestimate themselves.
in some places, i am quiet. they meet me where my flow is at a lull, and dip their feet in and wiggle their toes against my sand. i smile because i love them;
those are the parts of me that i want captured. i want them to pick up my stones and cup them in their hands, to splash and kick me all over each others' surfaces,
so they don't dry out in the sun (she's a harsh mistress; i know because i've kept her beams under me. we were lovers, once upon a time, in a land i wish was far away).
but i have my rapids, where i move too quickly to be caught; if it were my choice, i would cut off the tops of the stones that jut from my surface
because it feels like being stabbed, to know that they break through my skin, already too translucent, and my rawness pokes through no matter how hard my hands, deft, though caked in foam, try to bring it down.
i am deep, so i keep my beauty around my shallows. i wear my vibrancies near where i kiss the shore, even though he's not my lover, and no matter what they tell me, he never will be.
my life is in my estuaries, where i run into myself, and my salinity is interrupted by the powerful tug of a part of me that's more pure, but can only dilute as much as it is diluted.
i keep it under the mud; the clay that potters have used to build miniature cities, stacked neatly on shelves where they gather and hold me within my own foundations.
it's in my depths that I keep the more uneasy parts of me, ensuring that my cracks and the fog that seeps out of them stay hidden.
it'll only suffocate you if you try to reach them; the pressure you feel on your head if you try is every bit intentional. a warning not to delve any deeper
because what's down there will push on your limbs until you're nothing but the unsteady flow of blood through my make-shift current veins.
being a part of those is an art. beautiful in theory, beautiful to see; agony to contribute to. deadly to become a part of.
they all drink me, and i let them, but i'm always afraid i'll drown them by mistake.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Hello there, Isha.
This was a very nice poem. However, i would like to say a few things. This doesn't look like a poem in my opinion. A poetic line should look like this;
"I am deep,
so i keep my beauty around my shallows." Your words are marvelous. It gives a great feelings. I really enjoyed reading this, and i think you should write more You can change your work, but don't let me stop you from the way you write. Everyone is different. Please, my friend, keep writing. Keep doing what you're doing. You'll definitely go farther than you could ever wish possible..happy writing.
Lovely! You're pretty good at writing prose. Before I offer some criticism, I'll point out a few things I likes:
"once upon a time, in a land i wish was far away" -Brilliant
"they all drink me, and i let them, but i'm always afraid i'll drown them by mistake." -I might not have worded it quite like this, but I certainly like this line. It evokes so much emotion. Just like... whoa!
Your word choice was simply amazing ^_^
Just a few minor problems:
First off, capitalization. "the frame..." "they meet..." "i am..." "i keep..." "i wear..." etc. If you don't capitalize anything else in your writing, please at least make "i" an "I" Danka!
Second, redundancy. Some of it is for emphasis: "beautiful in theory, beautiful to see;" (This works) I get that and I'm not going to correct you for it... but! For example: "i keep
countries separated where they need to be, and joined where they need to be" Here, the repetition of "need to be" seems a bit much. Merci!
Third, a few lines seemed a bit "awkward." "even though he's not my lover, and no matter what they tell me, he never will be" Hmm... I do like this. How about "even though he's not my lover, and despite of what they tell me, he will never be"? "even though he's not my lover, even though they tell me... he will never be"? (Actually, I don't know if I like my corrections. Huh... feel free to to ignore this) Gracias!
So, that's about it! Hope this included something that was helpful... Do keep writing, your quite talented.
*I liked...
I never capitalize poetry
I hate capitalizing unless it's for the sake of tone.
I completely understand that ^_^ Oh, *you're... I keep finding mistakes I made...
Ahhhhh, Beaautiful! <3
From a craft perspective, I might cut or re-write the first 3-4 lines of this. I say this, because the first few lines are written in this "would be" tense, which gives us a wishful, fantasy sort of image and while that is nice, it is not as striking as when you change the tense somewhere around that 5th line: "in some places, i am quiet. they meet me where my flow is at a lull"
Holy crap! That is a powerful line, it is striking and immediate and intimate, and it is real to us, we are suddenly interacting with it and touching it and breathing it, whereas before: all the coulds, woulds, wrapping yourself around the earth, that is sheer abstraction,
"i would be the earth" is not as powerful as "i am earth" (unless! the poem was about what kept the speaker from "becoming" the earth, like I would be all these things, but I'm not because .such&such&such. but this doesn't seem the direction or intention, so I think keeping it one tense would fit the ideas better) and I don't think you need the introduction, I actually think you can just jump straight into the metaphor without the need to set up for it.
Everything else from that point on is practically gold, I think it's from the way that your vision/story (this idea of unconditional love and generosity, the earth provides) and the way that this vision is expressed is in perfect balance with this metaphor, the way we see a broken/tired person and a broken/tired earth. The gems here are breathtaking: I can see and feel my toes press against soft sand, and laughter and water splashing. All of the ideas of love here are being expressed, first it is this unconditional thing. Here with the water, it is that intimacy and those shared golden memories that keep that bond strong. All of that evoked from the point of view and language command, which is such a surprise and discovery, the way that the earth doesn't talk of people's skins, but people's surfaces, I love that. Another thing that is effective here, is that we all share that relationship, it makes it easy to empathize.
Another suggestion: where you go in to "i am deep, so i keep my beauty around my shallows." There seems to be two ideas here that are expressed, that of the "deep" emotions that are being guarded, and that of the "shallow beauties" that are more transparent. And so you begin with that line, "i am deep...." and then you talk about the shallows, and re-introduce the idea of the deep here: "i have depths, too. i keep them deep, ensuring that my cracks and the fog that seeps out of them stay hidden."
So it seems as though there's an interruption of the thought. Perhaps to move or re-organize it to allow for a much smoother flow, instead of that interrupted effect (?) That way we get more clear that contrast of the deep and the shallow and it will flow better from one idea to the next, more streamlined and less cluttered.
The ending is fitting. It is all done in this tone that pleads for love in return, it's kind of bittersweet that way. We as the reader become roped in to this idea that we've become part of the problem: the image is that of a lover who takes and takes and takes and eventually kills and drains, and we are they, and through this conflict, we really see the benevolence of this greater spirit. There's another idea here too, the idea of guarding oneself -- the idea of wanting desperately to know the "core" of this person, but there's this fear on the part of the speaker. Like, if you know who I really am, it will hurt you, it will kill you and I'm frighten of that. That is powerful, that is heartbreaking. I know people like this, and it hurts thinking about that.
Personally, I still want to fight for that core though, I want to hug them and tell them not to be afraid c: <3 <3
~ as always, Audy
a;slkj;ae I edited it a little bit because you're right, AND I wanted to try something before I totally cut the first few lines xD Better, worse, or the same?
As I have just said to you in chat dear Shame, WOW! But first I shall talk through I few things i'm unsure of and then talk about this monument to epicness!
I would suggest a period or break after 'need to be' and reword the second part to something like, keep them joined where they need to be. Because I feel at the mo the second part of the line is a bit clunky and off.
'it would be perfectly circular, and within frame,'
When you say within frame I don't get what you mean. And I can't fully work it as an image. Do you mean sort of within a frame? Or is this something else? Also, within the entire sentence it just stands out a bit, so i'm not sure if it is the best thing to have here.
'i would keep the countries separate where they need to be and joined where they need to be.'
This isn't a fault but more me wanting to make a suggestion
Erm yeah, the first stanza I feel could do with a little bit of work in general, some tidying up but that might just be me wanting to steal this! However, I do need to commend this piece. The second stanza is frankly incredible. The sexual undertones are superb and I love your imagery. It is frankly beautiful and harrowing. When you make comments like 'i keep them deep, ensuring that my cracks and the fog that seeps out of them stay hidden.' I am truly in awe. You have crafted something beautiful here. Also, your ending, is a perfect hommage to love I have ever seen. I read this as a romance, sexual piece even if it wasn't intended to be so if my interpretation is off I apologise but I loved it.
Incredible,
*Liked*,
~Retro
It certainly has a pictorial effect!So eloquently have you described the ocean! This personification is certainly one of the best that I have read. An impeccable write, I'd say.I totally enjoyed it.