A monster follows me. Tall and wide, its mouth full of razor sharp teeth hungry for my blood. Its bloodshot eyes see only one thing. Me. It follows me wherever I go. Trying to kill me whatever I do. It isn’t afraid, and I am, so I am not its equal.
Because I am afraid.
I run, pushing the sweat out of my eyes. My hair flies in the wind as I run. I may look strange to you. I carry a sword at my side, a sword I have never used. My eyes are tired and sad. To anyone else on the street, I am someone to avoid. A troublemaker, a recluse or just a crazed lunatic running from my own shadow.
Because I am afraid.
The monster draws closer, brought in by the ever present thirst for my blood. I try to pick up my speed, but my strength is long spent. A fleeting thought crosses my mind. Should I confront it? Should I try to defeat it? I hesitate to stop.
Because I am afraid.
Finally I stop, partly from exhaustion and partly because I decide that for once in my life, I will not be afraid! I pull out my sword and the monster stops, its cruel eyes appraising this me that it has never seen. It lunges forward unexpectedly, and I fall back.
Because I am afraid.
And then I forget the past. I forget those many years that I ran, scrambling to get away from that monster. Years I lived in constant fear for my life and I fight.
I begin to walk towards the monster, holding my sword up as I move. The monster begins to step backwards, its own fear now apparent. A tattered scream escaped my lips and for a moment, I forget my fear. I charge the monster.
The beast roars in response and raises a clawed hand, swiping at me to rip flesh. But I duck the hand and roll directly underneath the monster. My arms, holding my sword so tightly, just know what to do. The sword is thrust upwards, deep into the monster’s underbelly. And then I hear the scream.
The monster writhes about on the ground, my sword imbedded in it. I pull it out and stab into its body again. Another scream rips the air, the body shaking in pain. And then the scream stops. The monster shudders one more time, and then all is silent.
I pull my sword out of its body and look down at the creature that I was afraid of for so long. Its claws are fading away. Its teeth are melting into the ground, and its face is changing, morphing into its true form.
I look at the monster’s face, now revealed in death, and I recoil in shock and denial. The eyes, the nose, the hair… It’s me! The monster was me?
I look down at my sword, its blade dark with blood of my foe, and then I drop it, because I don't need it anymore. I walk down the street, not looking down the alleys for enemies. I look people straight in the eye, and I don't run.
Because I am no longer afraid.
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137,524 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Whoa. This is such a beautiful piece of writing. I loved everything about it. ESPECIALLY the meaning. Also, i loved that this wasn't in a poetry format. I think that's what made this piece so much more incredible. That, and that fact that I'm sure a lot of people, if not everybody, has gone through something like this at some point of our lives. Very well done, my friend. Bravo! This was an excellent read indeed. Great work! -Icewinifredd
Thank you for the review! Very encouraging. <3
You're very welcome.
Me again xD
This was something new. You always (well, when it isn't humour) seem to have a very good morale to these short stories. I think this was interesting because in the end, the monster was himself. Rather it would've been nicer if the monster was in himself, just a figment of his imagination all along, but I wouldn't have known how to depict that xD So yeah, this is also a good message. Also the repetition in this was nice, I liked how in the end it changed as he changed too.
I think you have to be careful with it though. Maybe have two paragraphs between every repeat, just so that it doesn't become overly repetitive. I did like the effects of it but sometimes it was a little bit too much.
Also, I wondering was about this monster made him so afraid. Was it simply the appearance, size and monstrosity of it? Because that is all that is given to us at the moment. If it is more the thought of what the monster could do to him when it gets its hands on it, then show us some of those thoughts as well. I just wanted to know what, in particular, was so scary about this monster.
Lastly, when he sees the monster is himself, he kind of gets over it really quickly. No questioning why, or how or anything. Just - oh it's me. But I'm unafraid now, so it's okay. So maybe big this bit up a bit? How would you react if the monster was yourself?
I have to go now, so this is all. Hope it's handy!
Deanie x
Bigger monster? That sounds like a good idea.
Thanks for the reviewww!
Hey timmyjake! Here as requested
Okay, so I think this would read better if you took out "hungry" and replaced it with "that hunger," but if you don't like that, then you still need to add something between "teeth" and "hungry" so there's a better word flow.
This is a really weird sentence. I suggest you reword it to have it make more sense.
Replace the bolded with hands.
Okay! Now that that is out of the way, let me just begin with your repetition. When the page first finished loading and I saw all of the repetition, I mentally made a note to nitpick it. But I actually like it. It ties in well into the story, and you didn't overdo it. The only thing I didn't like it was it coming up after every other paragraph, then never coming back up again until the end, but hey, if you like it then keep it.
I'm afraid I didn't fully understand the ending. The monster was himself? I know you were trying to do something metaphoric with this, but I didn't entirely understand, so you should explain it to me.
Overall, I liked this. You did a nice job with describing the monster without overdoing it. I liked the ending and the moral behind this story. I think you did a great job with this!
Thanks for your wonderful review, Iggy! Always love them...
So what I was trying to imply was that some people are afraid of themselves... Hmm... now that you mention it, I have forgotten what I was implying... Some people hide behind their fear... behind themselves. and they use that fear as a cloak to hide themselves. When I wrote this, that must have been what I was thinking.
Thanks again! :d
I like that. Thanks for telling me.
oh wow!
I really like this piece of work,it's brilliant and honestly I can hardly find anything you could improve on.
So I am just gonna point out my favourite parts:
I love love love how you repeated ,,Because I am afraid'', it just made it more personal and at some point I started hearing my own voice in my head.
I also started to read faster and faster, wondering who that monster is.
And I was in no way dissapointed to find out it was me all along..
I can relate so much and I feel like I sure am not the only one.
Once you manage to kille the monster in you you are free, ,,Because I am no longer afraid.''
ah I am in shock. <3 amazing.
Keep up the brilliant work. I spot some serious talent..
PS can't wait for your poetry!
-sophiewrites
Thanks for your review! It makes me want to write more and more and more and more and more and... I'll stop.
thats what yws does to me too...
I'm skipping the niceties and getting to the nitty-gritty.
This piece is wonderfully written, but there are sections where you disrupt the flow. I've chosen a few sentences to even out the flow of.
"Tall [and] wide, its mouth [are] full of razor sharp teeth hungry for my blood."
"I am afraid." "Because" is never a proper beginning to a sentence. The same for, "But finally I stop..." Omit "but".
"[I'm a] troublemaker, a recluse or just a crazed lunatic running from my own shadow."
"[F]inally I stop, partly from exhaustion and partly because I decide that for once in my life, I will not be afraid!" I believe that it should be this; "Finally, I stop due to exhaustion. However, I also stop because of my decision: my decision that I won't be afraid for once in my life. I will not be afraid!" However, that's my opinion.
This is a very short, and enjoyable piece~ Thank you for this! Good luck!
Thanks for your review!
I really felt like I was able to connect and relate to this. Very descriptive writing, and a basic sort of story but told in a very creative manner. At least that's how I saw it anyways. I think everyone can relate to this in one way or another - we're all fighting to achieve something, which I think only becomes possible if you stop doing what society expects from you and start living your life the way you want to, fully embracing it. I felt like you captured this feeling perfectly with the analogy of the monster, especially near the end after it's slain and you find out that it was you the entire time. Very enjoyable read.
Thank you! I was trying to make it like you state!
Some quick thoughts:
-> Repetition is great. It's one of my favourite writing techniques. However, that said, I'm not sure that 'Because I am fearful' is necessarily the best phrase for you to use as a refrain.
In general, the quality of writing throughout the short story is good, but this one sentence stands out as being weaker than most the rest. It's unfortunate that it's the one you're using for a refrain.
I think part of the problem is that it's so formally structured and worded. 'Because I am afraid,' for example, would instantly read much better, I think. I'm sure there's other phrases that would work even better. Experiment, try out different phrases, and see what works the best. (Writing is often about trying different things until something works really well.)
-> Don't over-explain the metaphor at the end. Readers like to work these things out on their own, and dislike having these things explained to them. Tell us that the monster had the narrator's face, and leave it at that.
-> Your character is running around with a sword. Is that normal in this world? If so, maybe reference another character having a sword, so that we know it's not that uncommon.
Conversely, if it is unusual, let us know that other characters think it's odd.
This will give the reader a better understanding of the world, which will in turn give them a better understanding of the character (by whether he fits into this particular societal norms or not).
-> All in all, a fun little action romp.
Its supposed to make people think. I didn't want to explain everything as I wanted to keep it short.
Thanks for the review!
I think perhaps you misunderstand: I am of the opinion that you should explain the metaphor even less, and thus make it even shorter.
This would also make people think more.
You are very welcome for the review. I only tend to review stories that I enjoy, so you can take the very fact that I wrote a review as a compliment. :p
Ohhh... I get it. Ok! Thanks!
Alright. I worked on it a bit. Still haven't pulled out the fearful, but am thinking of a good repeater to put in there to replace it
I couldn't think of a better one beside the one you mentioned, so I inserted it.
It is edited.
This truly explains the reason why people stop moving forward. They are holding themselves back. The way you have created it into an action packed adventure is just amazing. There wasn't really any mistakes in the grammar or in the spelling.
I am just so amazed that you were able to turn a simple quote into an interesting story is just lovely. Keep writing, you have an amazing talent.
Thanks for the review!