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Letter From Exile

by LaughingHyena

Write to me only

For heav'n knows none else shalt write to thee

In a place so lonely

Take up thy quill and tell me with painter's words

Of the creows that perch in the branches, the violet heather

The rock and tussock and great white band of mist

Stretching out o'er th' moors

Has it changed much? Whom shalt thou go to

In such a place as so to call home to?

I have not forgotten thee; not a day would pass

When I will not wonder of you, and wonder, and wander still

Do not seek me. Thou art far better off there

Out here the land is wilder far, and wilder

Groweth my heart with ev'ry step

Nay, thou art far better with a roof over thine head

A sunrise to sing to

And a quill to paint it in my mind

Lest ever I should forget.

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27 Reviews

Points: 155
Reviews: 27

Mon Dec 02, 2013 4:28 pm
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Mystique wrote a review...

i simply loved your poem! i don't know whether this is your first attempt at archaic writing, but this is really good. the exiled person would be one who doesn't complain about his position, one who simply seeks company, who wants to be reminded of home but wasn't want anyone else to suffer with him.
especially these words, " do not seek me, thou art far better off there...... nay, thou art far better with a roof over thine head... a quill to paint it in my mind, lest ever i should forget"
this brings out his feelings and emotions so well!! i would like to see more such poems, hardly anyone can make a archaic poem so beautiful :D :D

Aw thanks so much! :D Yes it is my first attempt at archaic poetry, I'm a bit of a history nerd and decided to try writing something historically-inspired, I might write more if I can think of any more ideas, glad you liked it :)

Mystique says...

oh same here!! you could try to narrate a true, famous historical event, give it a personal touch. i think you'll be able to handle it well!!

Thank you, yeah that's a really good idea, I may try that! :D

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25 Reviews

Points: 612
Reviews: 25

Mon Dec 02, 2013 3:22 am
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LastSilverH3r0 wrote a review...

Hey, Doug here to review you.
I really liked your poem here. It wasn't complicated, even though you used the olden style writing. I felt like it was deep, and had a nice "sit back and think" feel to it. I don't see anything wrong with it, you must've either gotten lucky or did a lot of work on it. Either way, congrats, and I'd like to read more!

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530 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 530

Sun Dec 01, 2013 2:56 pm
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Renard wrote a review...

I like the fact you are trying to adopt an archaic writing style.
The use of olden day language really helps make this piece seem authentic. Such as with:'I have not forgotten thee; not a day would pass

When I will not wonder of you, and wonder, and wander still

You manage to sustain the same style throughout, which I imagine to be quite difficult.

No spelling or grammar mistakes that I spotted.

Just love this piece so much I don't want to criticise. Kudos. XD

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11 Reviews

Points: 1546
Reviews: 11

Sun Dec 01, 2013 9:20 am
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Genesis wrote a review...

Hiya! I'm Genesis, and I'll be doing you a review today! First off, it was a good thing I read Niteowl's review first, because I simply didn't understand some of the words during this. The Old English in this poem helps make this really stand out in my opinion, which is a good thing. From what I read this sounds like a Love Letter, which I absolutely adored. I believe this is another poem that could be turned into a novel that has a heavy focus on the romance. But that is my opinion, I don't know what to really look for in terms of spelling since I don't really know Old English that well. So I'm going to skip over that, I agree with Niteowl and will say this could use some punctuation. But besides that, this piece is flawless.

I'm Genesis and I'm sorry if this review is terrible, but I'm working on it, I promise!

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sat Nov 30, 2013 9:24 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there LaughingHyena!

Overall, I usually really don't like when people try to write in "old-timey" language, as it usually looks painfully awkward. However, I must say this turned out pretty natural-sounding for the most part. There was also some lovely imagery. Just a few comments:

Of the creows that perch in the branches, the violet heather

Is "creows" a legitimate archaic spelling or just a typo? I've never seen this before.

Has it changed much? Whom shalt thou go to

In such a place as so to call home to?

This is where the language falls apart. I'm not sure "whom" is grammatically correct here (who vs. whom is always a tricky one) and "as so to call..." makes almost no sense.

I think the idea here is that the narrator is asking the old lover who she's with now, like "Who do you go home to?" I'd focus here on clarity over drowning in archaic language, as this feels like an important part of the piece.

When I will not wonder of you, and wonder, and wander still

Was "wander" intentional? If not, keep it anyway, it was lovely.

More general comment: The piece mostly lacks punctuation. Now in poetry that's the writer's choice, but here I think the piece would benefit from some periods. Take the first three lines: I'm not sure if that's supposed to be one whole idea or two. Proper punctuation will help the reader see the flow of ideas as the author intended.

Overall, this is lovely. Great job and keep writing! :)

Thanks for the review :) 'Creow' is an old-English spelling of 'crow', perhaps I ought to have pointed that out in the description or something. I wrote 'whom' instead of 'who' as I had seen it written in another poem written in the archaic style; it does seem to vary a lot from poem to poem depending on the poet and the era they are trying to portray, I did wonder whether it should be 'who' or 'whom' but in the end chose the latter. Thanks for reviewing and glad you liked it :)

If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France