Like Alfonso, I enjoyed your second poem more than the first. I like the use of Biblical allusion as it gives the poem an added gravitas that it would not have otherwise. Your choice of capitalization in certain areas is also interesting as well (e.g., king vs King, which I assume refers to an Earthly king vs the Heavenly King).
However, the second poem is also quite choppy and uneven whereas the first flows much more smoothly. For example, lines like this in the second caused me to do a double-take:
I eat faith at meal time ...
Life chose us--not us
I still don't understand what you're trying to say in these lines, although that in and of itself is not necessarily an issue (you're always going to have confused readers, who may or may not simply be a trite dumb!). What is more of an issue is that they don't belong -- they seem hacked on to the poem in a very clumsy way.
The first, on the other hand, tends to flow pretty well. My only issue with it is that it's not a particularly new subject, and more importantly, I didn't get any feel for the narrator. With love poetry, you need conflict and you need to expose your true thoughts.
Overall, both poems were actually good in my opinion. With the first, tap into your raw emotion. With the second, try to get more into the mind of Daniel, who is a fascinating person to read about.
Points: 10065
Reviews: 68
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