persuasions,
pressure,
Courage.
In my mind,
I want.
In my heart,
I question.
What might I become?
explosions,
gunshots,
Death.
In my mind,
It's right.
In my heart,
It's wrong.
What have I become?
comrade,
captain,
Lieutenant.
In my mind,
I obey.
In my heart,
I wander.
And wrong is made to good.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello, happy review day!
I like it. I honestly do! I loved how all the lines are up to a few words only. By splitting each word off to their own little line, the reader is more likely to think and analyse it. It is unique, fun, interesting and overall fantastic!
The rhetorical questions make the reader stop and think about how you have repeated What have I become? By using war imagery, the reader becomes enchanted by the horrifying imagery that settles within them-making them want to read on.
I also like how you have used juxtaposition here and there as it makes the story that you create along side the poem all the more interesting and meaningful.
I want. By using a full stop at the end of this phrase creates a boom within the reader's heart. Want is a very strong word, and if it is used correctly, it can turn an entire story. You, my friend, have used very well.
Well this was an awesome poem!
That's all from me,
happy writing,
Godly
Hello there, here to review.
That was a really cool poem. I liked the concept of it, but mostly, I liked the way you structured it. It is very unique in itself since I don't remember reading many poems that have one-word-long verses. Very nice!
I really like the internal dilemma that you set here.
I like how you set the differences between the mind and the heart, which are both true. Those eight verses are what made this poem really good, in my opinion, at least.
I would like to point out some things that you could probably change to improve the poem.
Firstly, I'm pretty sure that you made in on purpose, but if you're capitalizing most of the starts of verses, you might as well do it in all the verses. I think it would a but better.
However, I understand that you did in on purpose to emphasize on the third word each time. I'm saying it might look better capitalized, but it was still a good thing to emphasize on the last words.
Also, I think the end could be a little better, mostly since how you close a poem is ultimately important.
This sentence seems a little strange when I say it, but that may very well be just me. You could probably make it better by saying:
Also, since almost every other verse is short, it might be well to shorten the last one.
But that is all I have to say, and again, this poem was really good.
Congratulations, and keep writing.
-AlfonsoFernandez, member of the Apple Dumpling Gang
Thanks!
Though I must point out that I worded the last line like that on purpose because wrong does not become good, it is transformed or distorted in the mind of the soldier in the poem. I added this in because in English class, my teacher is pointing out that in war there is no wrong. There is only good. What we would see as improper is seen as normal in a soldier.
Oh ok. You're welcome!
Hello!
This poem caught my eye! In English class, we recently read the short story, "The Enemy". This reminded me of one of the main themes in the story: War distorts our perception of right sand wrong.
I liked the short lines, in gave a desperate feeling to the poem. The choppiness made it seem like dodging bullets to me....
I like the comparisons made between following your heart and obeying orders. It's a really well put together poem.
However, it isn't long enough. I just started getting into the feeling, remembering the story I read and connecting the dots. It would just be better if the poem were longer to really catch the feeling. Other than that, it sounds amazing!
Keep Writing!
yubbies21 or Knight Yubbies
This poem is very well written! i can picture everything going on in my mind. When i read this, i felt i became the narrator. And i really like the use of the short but to-the-point sentences. It makes me think of "All Quiet on the Western Front"
"
I love it! Honest.
I especially liked the phrases "What might I become?" "What have I become" and "And wrong is made to good". I did not, however, like the break you put in there. The last stanza was good and all, but I feel like the poem ought to have been finished with the other bit before the break:
In my mind,
It's right.
In my heart,
It's wrong.
What have I become?
It just felt complete here. Do you know what I mean? Anyways, that was a good poem for remembrance day, you should have submitted it a day earlier.