DON’T PANIC
.
in the grand scheme of things,
if there’s grit in your brain
it’s best not to rub it.
.
I’ve come too far now
to leave the solar system entirely.
a very rich man might go to Mars,
but I’ll settle on Titan.
.
I took the graveyard shift
where all that’s left
is your brain talking to itself.
.
‘look, kid,’ it said.
‘there are no true beginnings or endings.’
which is kind of insane
and kind of irrelevant.
.
despite its faults,
my brain, I decided,
wasn’t the worst place to be.
.
and that’s where you met me.
in a kind of shadowy parallel universe
just beyond the frigid methane lakes of Titan.
.
.
.
.
keep both hands on the wheel, kid.
Semi-drastically rewrote this from the earlier version and I think I'm digging this one more so let me know your thoughts. ALSO h.o.w. do I have spaces between my stanzas? The dots aren't for effect, I just don't know what I'm doing
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137,663 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hi there, I think I ever give review on the original version / first. I noticed there was something different in your poem, especially the last part.
I have to be honest here. I prefer the first version of your poem. I am not sure if I understand the meaning behind these two lines. The concept has also changed, in which connections among each stanzas are less convincing. But like I said before this is my favorite part in your poem;
Keep writing!
Kudos, cheers
P/s: About spacing, I always copy from microsoft word into goggle translate before paste it into YWS. To make the formatting as well as detecting wrong type / spell. It's easy, but I think you should try what Fortis said too.
Hey thanks for taking the time to review them both
you rock. I was just curious as to why you prefer the first version to this version?
Like what I said, I can feel the connection between them. The concept also unique
Hello!
About the stanza thing first. To make it so that normal lines aren't so spacy, do "shift + enter" and that will make a normal space between the lines. (That same little trick applies elsewhere too, like in Microsoft Word.) Then to make stanzas, you don't hit shift before enter, and you'll have a spacy break that's bigger than the others so you can have just normal stanzas. Unfortunately, YWS doesn't like open white space or something, so you can't have more than a spacy break between sets of words, so to get it further down, I'd just do your period thing, but make the font color white. (I think you can still do that).
Other wise...
This reminds me of "The hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy."
I actually like every stanza quite a bit. The sixth one is the only one I wasn't really that thrilled about. You had just been talking about your brain, and then you said, "and that's where you met me" and I wasn't sure if you were saying that they met in this person's brain or what, because later you mention a physical (or so I think) place. Also, that "you" is randomly thrown in there. I think you should address this character at the beginning of the poem somewhere, because I thought you were writing to ME as an audience member, when really you were addressing this unknown person.
I really really like the rest of this though. All of it. You did a wonderful job on this!
Keep writing!
~fortis
Thanks for the review! Maybe I was addressing you in the poem, who knows right