z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

The Man in the tower, Chapter 2 Contiued

by DragonNextec


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

The man in the tower Chapter 2

running to get out of there i hear a big thumb, Puffing and puffing feeling like im going to pass out,

All this running i ran and ran till i hit this room with Hospital beds, Hiding behind one of the beds hearing a scream and a yell,

"help me someone please he has a kni"

thats all i heard in my head i feel as if something here is wrong like all this has something to do with me, As i try to think of the last thing i can remember, It was my birthday and i just got out of bed and thats it,

"Oh god help me please"

That voice again she must be still alive, I have to find her,

It go's all silent i can't hear anything or anybody?

What is this, As i cover my mouth i can hear breathing coming from behind me, As i slowly turn around this guy with a clown mask grabs me, i'm Struggling for mylife, he is 6ft tall very big and looks like he will take no mercy, What do i do? he Straps me to a chair and looks into my eyes, It's like i can feel his soul looking through mine, Then he looks down at me looking at my legs, feeling like i can't breath through all this the air feels dimmed and the lights seems to get dimmer, I close my eyes only for a second then i hear this ching sound, What am i going to do in my head i start to think of all the good people in my life like my family my brother who always looked after me, Or the girl i had back home, Is all that gone?

"help me help"

I open my eyes and no one is there i start to wonder what all this is?

this has to be a dream it just has to be, Ill wake myself up i know you can't really die in a dream can you?

This little girl appeared to me and she starts to smile she has a vest on like in the olden days and she seems to be no more then 9 she has pony tails and looks like she could be an Orphan or something,

I Close my eyes and then re-opended them and she was gone

As i freaked out saying over and over in my head that this isen't real i hear this door opening sounded like it was coming from behind me i'm struggling to get out of the chair, I hear Breathing heavily behind me like someone was breathing down my neck,

All of a sudden i become free from the chair i look behind me and no one was there

What is all this? as i said to myself

I try to get out of the room the door is unlocked so i try to find that room i was in with the four windows i start to look very carfully around edges and doors i'm walking and walking felt like forever then i see this door half open i finally have found that room, first room the girl is missing it says with blood on the wall, IF YOU SEE YOU WILL FIND on the floor of the same room it says WHAT IS IN THE NEXT ROOM WILL SHOCK YOU, i look in the second room and its all dark,

I have to find this room above the window it says Test #2

BANG BANG BANG

"God no you can't" SPLAT SPLAT

Scared out of my mind i have to do something,

Lights go off

Not this again?

I hear a growling sound like a tiger is taking down a gazel,

" Emily run please get out of here" A mans voice screaming

I can hear a girl puffing and screaming as i look out of the door i see this girl with blond curly redish hair with blood running down her face with tears coming down like she is terrified of something,

I come out of the room and grab her pull her to the side, You have to stay with me please follow me ill tell you later, With her crying and covering her mouth, So no one can hear her cry, As we are pretty much crawling through the halls of this place we end up in a dark room, I look at her and wipe the tears from her eyes look everything is gonna be okay i promise now whats your name, I can't seem to get anything out of her,

She must be in shock as i say to myself,

Look i'm going to protect you my names shayne whats your's?

Im e-e-emily

Hi emily whats the last thing you remember before you woke up in this place?

I i i i was at this party we were going to surpirse this kid for his birthday i didn't know him but my mother told me that i had to met this guy,

Your mother? Hmm...

Thinking to myself its my birthday i wonder if she was here for me?

Emily you must stick with me okay?

Y-yes okay

Suddenly the lights come on next to us there was a bath with a person inside with blood dripping from the sides emily screamed me in fear they will find us i put my hand over her mouth and said you have to be quit please....

Growling noises coming from outside the room

Speaking in a really evil and deep voice like something you would hear out of a horror film,

"I will find you"

Growling and moaning

Emily was so scared and so was i

I told Emily about the four rooms and everything i remember, After hours of explaing to her who i was and what i have been through, After all we have been through she smiled at me like she hasn't smiled in a long time and she said okay ill follow you Shayne,

We slowly get out of the room and look both sides no one is there, Emily screams and says Shayne behind us, I take a look and there it was glowing red eyes claws like a lion, The face was coverd by the dark we both ran me pushing her in front she runs into a room the door closes on her. Me running and see a light in front of me is that sun light? looking behind me and nothing was there? i go forward to the light and see this door and it seems to be night time, there is a fence and it seems to be the same place i first started i go back to find emily,

Whispering her name to see where she is i come to a door that is closed and i can hear crying on the otherside,

"Help me please"

sounded like Emily as i try to open the door it feels as if someone is holding it from the inside, I then start to kick the door and it still wont open i then hear a noise like a dash of wind is hitting the door,

It opens and Emily is hanging from the ceiling with her chest ripped right open and her heart on the floor with her guts ripped out blood is dripping and her face her mouth wide open and eyes as if she saw something more terror then anyone could imagine,The room was to dark to see anything behind her but i felt as if something was watching me, I started to vomit and as i started coughing i saw blood come out, Then i hear this voice as soft as anything you could imagine something like an angel

"When there is death there will always be death"

What does that mean?

I look at Emily one more time then i saw this tail lurking in the darkness and then the red eye appeared again,

BANG BANG

I start to run outside and tryed to jump the fence with wire, When i seem to touch it, it seemed to dissapear like it wasn't there to begin with, I see a light at the top of the tallest hill, I'm running and running to get to this place when i come across a river, The river pulling anything into it thinking to myself how to get across?

I seem to get dizy and more dizy that i passed out of hunger,

Shayne quick your birthday is starting with out you, Dad is that you

yeah why wouldn't it be?

I was in this place with monsters and people dieing and these red eyes where watching me and emily was crying and then

Ahh Shayne what are you talking about ?

Never mind it was only a dream, As i go outside I see this girl that looked just like Emily from my dream,. She comes up to me and says my name is Emily and my mother told me to say hi

Was it all a dream?

TO BE CONTIUED

FIND OUT MORE LATER! Dont miss out

Thanks for reading!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
57 Reviews


Points: 4919
Reviews: 57

Donate
Wed Oct 02, 2013 6:17 am
Kevikur wrote a review...



Hey again, Dragon! Another action-packed chapter you have here! Horror, gore, and a lot of death. All a perfect recipe for a greatly concocted story. That, combined with the fact that you have fixed some grammar issues that were in your previous story, have greatly satisfied me. There are still a few mistakes, which I will try and help you on.

I liked having another character in the story (even if it was only for a short while). Because there is so much action in the story, try and make sure you write what's going on as understandable as possible. Sometimes I get lost even though I'm following along as carefully as I can. Details are important for not only describing the horror that Shayne sees, but also for describing the transition between settings and what is going on.

The dialogue in this chapter is missing something that is extremely important: punctuation. When someone is talking, you put what they say in quotation marks ("). I'll show you the proper punctuation for the following sentences:

Look i'm going to protect you my names shayne whats your's?

"I'm e-e-emily

Hi emily whats the last thing you remember before you woke up in this place?

Correct: "Look, I'm going to protect you. My name's Shayne. What's yours?"

"I'm E-E-Emily."

"Hi Emily. What's the last thing you remember before you woke up in this place?"

What I did was put quotation marks to indicate someone is talking, as well as put periods where there should be a break in the sentence. You have quite a few run-on sentences in here, which can be fixed with a period. You also needs commas where there's supposed to be a pause. Here's an article that may help. http://www.ehow.com/how_8124313_punctua ... tml#page=2

I would also recommend using Google Chrome because whenever you type something it corrects it if there is a mistake. This will help a lot if you have spelling mistakes. I would recommend looking for some writing application that will help fix any punctuation problems. I use Microsoft Word but I know that not everyone has that.

I throroughly enjoyed reading through the chapter. I'm creeped out by the monster/man in the mask! I'm on the edge of my seat here; tell me when you have the next chapter up!

-Kev




User avatar
667 Reviews


Points: 11727
Reviews: 667

Donate
Tue Oct 01, 2013 4:06 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Knight Malachi here to Review for the KotGR.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!! Hang on here. Let's re-read these first few lines.

running to get out of there i hear a big thumb, Puffing and puffing feeling like im going to pass out,

All this running i ran and ran till i hit this room with Hospital beds, Hiding behind one of the beds hearing a scream and a yell,

"help me someone please he has a kni"

thats all i heard in my head i feel as if something here is wrong like all this has something to do with me, As i try to think of the last thing i can remember, It was my birthday and i just got out of bed and thats it,

Now I see no capitalized I's, a dialogue line that stops in mid-word, but has no dash to show that he was cut off, and a few very awkward lines. Now, lemme show you what it looks like re-done.



Running to get out of there I hear a big thumb,(not sure what a big thumb is, so I left it in here) puffing and puffing feeling like im going to pass out,

All this running! I ran and ran till I hit this room with Hospital beds. Hiding behind one of the beds, I hear a scream and a yell.

"help me! Someone please! He has a kni-"

That's all I hear. In my head I feel as if something here is wrong, like all this has something to do with me. I try to think of the last thing I can remember. It was my birthday and I just got out of bed, and that's it.

Now, you look at that and it is a big change and improvement. Now, that's all I can do for now. This seems so long with all these errors. But if you fix it, I will read it. Let me know if you do.
Keep it up!




DragonNextec says...


hey i'm trying aint i, We can't all be as good as you right?|



TheMessenger says...


Well, I wouldn't say I am the best, and sorry if the review sounded harsh. It was not meant to pound you.




Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting.
— John Green