Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Home Sweet Home
Chapter 1 :Long road
My names Zeke And i'm 18 years of age i have short dark black spiky hair, in a Mohawk if i might add, this is my story.
"Jess can you turn the music down, its to load"
"get over it Zeke god"
She keeps playing that same song over and over again, that song Wreaking ball by Miley Cyrus. That is my sister Jessica she is 16 and she is kinda annoying if you ask me. She has long straight blonde hair she is just like any other teenage girl if you ask me. She always wears that short white skirt and a white singlet. Even my Dad doesn't like it i wouldn't blame him trust me she always looks like a little ho. But hey i'm meant to hate here she is my sister and she always try's to control me. Then you got my Dad Black short hair spiked up like mine. Ever since my Mother passed away two years ago since that day he always takes us out before that day. I'll never forget it i guess we all wont. She died in a house fire 2 years ago today. Anyways my Dad come crushing through my door and says
"Do you know what day it is today"
Me already knowing what was going to happen i started to get dressed and packed a few stuff. He always takes us camping on the same day ever year. So we both just got use to it. With Jess already in the car and ready to go. The car was a Holden V8 don't ask me i'm not really into cars as much. So we all got in the car that day. As always my sister puts that same song on again so i have to wait in the car with her for over a few hours. Every year,
"you kids ready for a trip?"
Both of us: "Yes Dad"
Then we were off. i started looking at my watch to see what time it was coarse i get bored a lot. I like to see what time it was before we leave and see how long it takes us to get to one spot to another. Just this thing i do. I know its odd but hey i don't have many friends i guess my Dad and sister is all i got really. They are both annoying as like any other family is, But i guess i love them. I start to daze off a bit.
Bout an hour later i wake up and no one was in the car with me i look in the front seat my sister and Father were gone. I take a look outside and i see a house that is kinda spooky. Scared me i would say. Old dead trees two story house with 2 windows down stairs and one window int he middle on the second story. I saw something in the window on the second floor but i just thought it was my imagination. I slowly open the car door to go outside when my sister jumps out and really surprised me.
Do you have to Jess?
"Chill out Z we are out of gas Dad told me to wait here with you and keep an eye out for anyone or anything that could help us so i told him sure ill look after him after i creep him out a little"
Very Nice Ha Ha funny. so when did Dad leave?
"Bout ten minutes ago he told me not to move"
As i get out of the car. The air was as freezing as it has ever been with my breath going into mist. Thinking to myself how it got night so fast i mean i couldn't have been sleeping for that long was i? it was only Eleven in the morning when we left.
"Come on its so cold out here lets get in the car before we freeze to death"
As Jess grabs me to get into the car i heard a crow so i quickly look up and see a crow on the top of the car. Got in the car as fast as i can.
"Chill Z Its only a bird"
Me looking at Jess like i know that.
"Whats with that house over there Jess?"
"I don't know Dad looked but no one answered don't worry Z i got you nothing to be scared of"
Thinking to myself why my sister is being so nice to me she is never like this at all. "hmm" as Dad comes running a few minutes later,
"Dad did you find anything at all" Jess Said
Me Just looking at him like is everything okay he looks like he has seen a ghost or something. With him Breathing heavy.
"Nothing just ran a few miles that's all. I didn't see anything at all so i came straight back"
Thinking back i saw a person in that window over there maybe there is someone home.
"Hey Dad i saw a person in the house over there maybe someone is home now?"
As he just looks at me and looks at the house
"Okay sure lets take a look"
As the Three of us go towards the door i stopped half way i felt a rain drop on my shoulder. Jess knocks on the door and no one opens. My Dad tried and no answer. As they where bout to give up hope i went towards the door and gave it a push and the door opens slightly.
"Hello is anyone home" Dad says
"Dad i don't like this place its kinda scary i don't wanna go in"
Holding her Dads arm
As He just walks in taking Jess with him i walked in as well. The place is all dusty with spider webs all over the place there are stairs in front of us. I begin to walk up them with the stairs making a creaking sound on each one. The three of us come to a door on the right. As my Dad opens it. Its a room with a television on the right side and a little television on the left side. There are video tapes on the top of the Video player. There is a side table holding the Tv up. On the first tape it says play me. The second tape it says the answer.
"Daddy i'm scared i just wanna go home can we Dad" Jess said
Me looking at my Father he looks right back at me like what is all this.
"You should play the tape Dad" I said
As he puts the tape in. The Tv Turns on automatically. We both look at each other like what is this? Its just a fuzzy screen. Then this dark screen comes on and says watch carefully. The Three of us watching the screen closely. What was on the Tv Was us. We look behind to see where the cam is but there is nothing but a massive Tv. When ever we move the video moves. My Dad had a look down stairs with us still up.
"stay here you two i"m going to check it out"
As hard as it looked for Jess to let go of his arm she did after a little struggle. As he leaves the room the door shuts behind him and the video tape on the Tv is watching him now. We both look at the tv and we see him banging on the door. But we couldn't hear it. Jess Screaming me looking around for something to smash the door with. There is nothing in the room to do anything with. Jess Screams. I look at the Tv and someone is coming up behind him. With Jess Screaming and looks the other way crying. Me still watching in fear. Someone grabs him from behind with a cloth and without Struggle takes him back down stairs. Jess crying and me in fear. I told Jess to be quiet for a second. She puts her hand over her mouth with tears running down her face. Me feeling sorry for her and us i was freaked out myself could you imagine. Your father being taken away you locked up in a room. If i liked it or not this was really happening. I had to stay calm and keep my head together. I had to be strong for Jess and myself even my Father needed help. Few seconds later the lights go out. With both of us screaming.
"Oh God Oh God" Jess was in fear
Even more then me. She seemed to be panicking just a few seconds later the Tv to the right turns on and it seemed to be a women in black. Maybe she use to live there or something. Then the Images on the Tv go from one thing to a next. There was blood coming from a river and the women seems to be crying she seems to have a baby in her hands. She chucked the baby in the river over the cliff. Me Closing my eyes thinking to myself that is just wrong. Then the women looks up at the screen and starts to point. She banishes out of no where. Then the lights go back on and the Tv turns off. Jess seems to be missing i was the only one left in the room me screaming out Jess Jess Jess WHERE ARE YOU. I got no reply I started to think back on how we got in that room and i remember another tape that said "The Answers" right there on top of the other one. I look back and check the video player and the Video was missing so was the other one. Me putting my hands over my eyes knelling down and trying to breath i knew that this was only the beginning...
Chapter 2 in Progress
Spending the night
Created by Dragon_Nextec
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there!
I really dislike the starting. It's not interesting; and you need a good hook to pull the reader in. Instead of giving just a physical description of how he looks, you can build more about the personality, quirks et.c, about your MC. Additionally, in this genre, you can work on describing the atmosphere of the scene. Try to show us and make us feel as though we're there.Happy review day to you!
So, I think you have a good plotline, but you really need to get some editing done to this story.
First off - grammar. There are lots of grammatically awkawardly phrased sentences throughout this, You'll need to check for those. Plus, you need to work on your punctuation. As Alice has mentioned below, you should work on the punctuation. Bear in mind that if it is written in good English, it will deter the reader.
I like that you're going for a conversational tone with the narration, but I do think you need to tone it down and maintain the tone of the narration. What I mean is, in some places it's like he narrator of the story is talking to us, which is cool, but sometimes I feel like the narrator's also disinterested in this. So try to work on language around that?
Description:
This is a place where you can really work on. It will add depth and flavour to your tale. For one,
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
~Lava
This story is quite interesting! I like how it builds up at the middle and end, but there are some problems that I found. I won't point out all of them so I'll just point out the major or most frequent problems I saw. Also somethings that you should work on.
1) The way you started the chapter wasn't very strong. Instead of introducing the characters right at the start, try making a different hook. Something that will really capture the readers interest!
2) In a lot of the sentences, you have a lower case 'i'. It should be capital because 'I' is referring to a person (Zeke). Throughout this chapter, I also found many words that don't need a capitalized letter.
3) When using dialogue you need to add some form of punctuation at the end. For example, when Jess was panicking and saying 'Oh God Oh God', there should be something like a period or a comma in between 'God' and the quotation mark.
4) There is a large amount of words that are spelled wrong. Before you any chapters, you should try and find as many mistakes as you can.
I really find this story interesting! I hope you continue this!
Trying to thanks for the feedback
Hey there, I will try to review this for you
I really like the way you built up tension near the end, which catches the readers attention, and the last line is also good.
I like the idea of your writing, and with some work I really think it could be amazing. However, you had quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes. For a start, use capital letters! Just get into the habit of it and you'll find it much easier after a while. It also looks more impressive.
I will give you some constructive criticism; don't take it harshly, I just want to help you.
This had an unnecessary capital letter on 'and' because there was no full stop. 'I'm' needs to start with a capital too. There should really be a full stop after 'age', or at least a comma to make the structure flow a little better.
First of all, 'its' should be 'it's', and 'to' should be 'too'. I am assuming you have made a spelling mistake; 'load' should be 'loud'.
A new sentence should start with a capital letter, so 'get' needs to be 'Get'. To make the sentence read better, there should be a comma after 'Zeke.'
I will re write this sentence as an example for you:
'But hey, I'm meant to hate her; she's my sister, and she always tries to control me.' There are a few different variations you could write, but mainly spelling needs to be corrected.
The end of the sentence doesn't really make sense; I would write 'packed a few things' instead of 'stuff' personally.
The end of this needs to be 'I got in the car as fast as I can' because otherwise it doesn't make much sense.
You may need to go over 'then' and 'than' and when to use them. In this case, use 'than.'
Throughout, I also noticed that you switched tense from present to past; I know it's easy to do, but make sure you double check this.
Overall, nicely written, but take my comments on board. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but I only want to improve your writing
I'll just say this, Thanks for the HARSH attempt,
I really enjoyed it :p
Nah man all good thanks for your feedback