z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Return Of The Unwanted Dead. Chapter 7

by rbt00


Chapter 7

GraveYard.

It was dark. Dark as coal. There were creepy sounds all around them. Although it was morning, everything had turned scary. . Bats were returning to their trees.. There were sounds of werewolves and bears. There were blood seekers in here. Deep inside the woods this graveyard had so much more to be scared of.

'I feel shiver me spines' Emma spoke as she held Eliza's hand.

'Now we need to find Vascara!' Carlos exclaimed.

'But what is Vascara? Is it some kind of beast? Or maybe it could even be a dead person.'' He added.

''Remember, what Stacie's note said? Vascara's tears .. Yeah, that's what it said.'' Fendi spoke.

'Listen, I feel that the tears are not just tears. It is blood! Cedrick exclaimed.

'Oh shit we almost forgot about that' Drake said.

'Hey! Blood Seekers means the dead who are awake….They need BLOOD! Fendi exclaimed.

'So, that means there is a dead person but awake in our school.' Emma said. 'And Stacie is dead'

'But how do we finish her off?' Cedrick added. 'Remember, what she wrote in the note? 'My blood is fading'

'We need a plan' he said enthusiastically.

'First, we need to find Stacie .. make her weak and force her to reveal who Vascara is' Carlos said.

'But do you think she will say?' Fendi asked with a question mark on her face.

'If only she was weak...Hey, maybe we have to keep her from drinking the blood. Maybe the more she drinks, the stronger she gets. Maybe that's why the only word we can call her is 'Dead Alive,' ' Drake said.

Suddenly complete silence spread. Silence…..and again silence….and then a high pitched SCREAM!

More like someone sucking blood of a person and that person was screaming.

'Let us follow that voice. Stick together' Cedrick said.

The plants were all dried up.

Slowly and quietly they started following the voice.

Suddenly Fendi screamed. There was a small pit and she fill right into it but when looked closer upon it.. it was more like a hard and shiny surface down. They helped Fendi to get up.

'What's this?' Fendi questioned with still terror on her face.

'Looks more like a buried treasure box' Drake said.

'Should we open it?' Eliza questioned.

'Wait, it could be dangerous.' Emma added.

'Stand back!' Cedrick said bravely.

'I'll take care of this.' He took out a pocket knife , plunged it into the ring of the box and with all his might opened it.

All of them screamed. Stacie was lying in it. 'You found the secret. I wont leave you. You all must die. You shouldn’t have' Stacie rose and said in a ghostly voice.

'RUNNNN!!!' Cedrick shouted. 'RUN FOR YOUR LIFE'

All of them started running scared out of their wits. In a few minutes all of them were quite far away.. away from danger. Away from Stacie.

'Stop! I cannot take it any more' Eliza requested.

'We need to keep going or else we will be one of them.' Drake said.

'But this was our plan. We have to finish Vascara first. So this all will be over' Emma spoke bravely.

'But where will we find him?' Drake questioned. 'Maybe we need to follow Stacie.


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Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:52 pm
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KnightTeen wrote a review...



Hey, I'm sorry I didn't get to this one sooner. It's just been so busy with work and school and.....

But I shouldn't be rambling, that's not what I'm here for! Let's get to it, shall we?



It was dark........Although it was morning, everything had turned black. Black as coal. Bats were returning to their trees. It was a full moon day.


Since you have already said that it was dark, you don't really need to say that it was black, since they are closely related.

You say it's morning and yet you say that it is a full moon. Oh, you add day after that. Does that mean that this is a day whose night is going to have a full moon?

'But what is Vascara? Is it some kind of beast? Or maybe it could even be a dead person.''


At first I thought that this was a quotation mark, and I was pointing it out since I know that you don't use those, but now I see that it is actually two apostrophes where there should be one. You did this in the next piece of dialogue as well.

It is blood!


Missed quotation here.

'Oh shit we almost forgot about that'


My computer hasn't been letting me see the ratings sometimes, and this is one of those times. If you have one, ignore me, if you don't, you need to add it.

'Stacie if one of that'


a) this sentence makes no sense, and b) it's missing a period.

.. make her weak and force her to reveal who is Vascara' Carlos said.


You need to switch the bolded out words around for the sentence to be correct.

[quote]I wont leave you.....You shouldn’t have'

*won't

And shouldn't have what?

You did pretty good.

Your biggest issue, and I may have said this before and if I did then I apologize, I that you need to have more in the story. More content, more descriptions, more everything. The initial plot is good, it just needs some polishing.

As always, everything that I say is a) my honest opinion and b) a suggestion.
If you don't want to take it then you don't have to.

HT




rbt00 says...


No I really accept suggestions. Thanks. This is my first story So yeah ill try to work on that. Hope my work improves after this. :)



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:25 pm
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Blackwood wrote a review...



Lol nice link there. What does coupondropdown pay you?


I just wan't to go over the first paragraph with you. I want you to re-read it carefully.

It was dark. Ok yeah. Thats a very blunt statement.

There were creepy sounds all around them. What are group is your target audience.These sentences are very basic, even learn to read books would have something more substantial than "It was dark."

Although it was morning, everything had turned black. Black as coal. You just said it was dark..... I like this description of it better, you could drop the it was dark bit.

Bats were returning to their trees. It was a full moon day.

There were sounds of werewolves and bears. bears?
There were blood seekers in here.

Deep inside the woods this graveyard had so much more to be scared of.

Yep, just read all of those sentences. They are short, abrupt, and don't flow well. They are like children learn to read but worse because a kid couldn't learn to read from that.


After that one paragraph this DOES IMPROVE. In the fact it becomes more interesting. However your layout does not improve. You just basically do this the whole time.

"xxxxx," said Bob.
"xxxxx," Rob said.
"Oh XXXX!" exclaimed Bobina.
added, questioned, shouted said, I feel like the dialogue is very mechanical, you put in a variety, and its about 50% said and 50% others which IS GOOD. (said should be used the most often) but I feel like you need something to give it more flow and stuff. In the middle you have a really good bit where it was suddenly... stuff. It has nice balance.

Anyway, I feel you can improve on your execution mainly overall. Just practice fleshing everything out a bit.




rbt00 says...


Ok thnkx. Yeah Ill work on dat. :)



rbt00 says...


Suggestions on how to change the first para?



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Sat Sep 21, 2013 11:20 am
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I like it but the sword thing seems unexpected. you can change that.




rbt00 says...


I am trying to work on that. :)



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Fri Sep 20, 2013 11:53 pm
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon here to review.

Technical aspects:
"Though morning it was but now everything turned black." This could be better written "Although it was morning, everything had turned black." It just flows so much better. "ware wolf's", do you mean "werewolves"?

I'm going to focus on your dialogue for a second. "'If only she is weak and for that we should keep her away from drinking the blood, the more she drinks the more strength she gains and that is why the only word we can call her is 'Dead Alive' Drake said." "'Let us follow that voice. Stick together' Cedrick said". This is supposed to be a very emotional scene. The first quote is just really wordy and should be redone, but the second is just plain scripted. Would you say something like that if you were in that situation? I felt like he was a cardboard automaton when he said that. So focus on your dialogue realism.

"The plants were dried up and there were ashes of burnt people everywhere." I'm sorry, but that just felt out of place. Is that where they're going? How'd they get there? or is that what where they're standing looks like? It should go where it belongs. As is, it's just kind of isolated and doesn't make any sense.

"'Ill take care of this.' He drew his sword ."<- you have an extra space separating your period from the sentence. Also, "Ill" should be "I'll". And then finally, he has a sword? ??? Where'd that come from? How long has he had it? What's it look like? That just struck me as totally out of place. And then he has a sword but he doesn't use it? Please focus on that and fix.

"They all were good at athletics." You don't need to say that. Just show them running hysterically, and if they're not collapsing in agony after five feet we the readers will assume they can at the very least run to save their lives.

Hope this helps!




rbt00 says...


Suggest me on how to change this line
"If only she is weak and for that we should keep her away from drinking the blood, the more she drinks the more strength she gains and that is why the only word we can call her is 'Dead Alive' Drake said."





"If only she was weak...Hey, maybe we have to keep her from drinking the blood. Maybe the more she drinks, the stronger she gets. Maybe that's why the only word we can call her is 'Dead Alive,'" Drake said.



rbt00 says...


Thank You So Much. :) Bout that sword thing.. Suggestions on how to change it or something much good?





Simplest solution: shorten the blade. Make it a pocket knife or something like that. Even a hunting dagger would be believable, although you'd have to make sure to say several chapters in advance "x" character always carries their hunting knife around with them. With a pocket knife, fixed blade or spring assist or whatever you choose, that's a little easier to do because the knife is hidden in their pocket all the time so you wouldn't necessarily know that.
But remember this is a school: why in the world would a child be carrying a sword around with them? The same goes for the hunting knife (which is typically worn in a sheath on their belt)-would they even be allowed to bring their knives to school? So a pocket knife would probably be best, and its 'wimpiness' would be harmonious with the group's cowardly bearing; that is, it wouldn't seem that intimidating, and therefore would be more believable when even the armed kid runs off.



rbt00 says...


Thanks :)




"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta