Hey, I'm sorry I didn't get to this one sooner. It's just been so busy with work and school and.....
But I shouldn't be rambling, that's not what I'm here for! Let's get to it, shall we?
It was dark........Although it was morning, everything had turned black. Black as coal. Bats were returning to their trees. It was a full moon day.
Since you have already said that it was dark, you don't really need to say that it was black, since they are closely related.
You say it's morning and yet you say that it is a full moon. Oh, you add day after that. Does that mean that this is a day whose night is going to have a full moon?
'But what is Vascara? Is it some kind of beast? Or maybe it could even be a dead person.''
At first I thought that this was a quotation mark, and I was pointing it out since I know that you don't use those, but now I see that it is actually two apostrophes where there should be one. You did this in the next piece of dialogue as well.
It is blood!
Missed quotation here.
'Oh shit we almost forgot about that'
My computer hasn't been letting me see the ratings sometimes, and this is one of those times. If you have one, ignore me, if you don't, you need to add it.
'Stacie if one of that'
a) this sentence makes no sense, and b) it's missing a period.
.. make her weak and force her to reveal who is Vascara' Carlos said.
You need to switch the bolded out words around for the sentence to be correct.
[quote]I wont leave you.....You shouldn’t have'
*won't
And shouldn't have what?
You did pretty good.
Your biggest issue, and I may have said this before and if I did then I apologize, I that you need to have more in the story. More content, more descriptions, more everything. The initial plot is good, it just needs some polishing.
As always, everything that I say is a) my honest opinion and b) a suggestion.
If you don't want to take it then you don't have to.
HT
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Reviews: 394
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