This is a very deep poem for me, and so you're welcome to give me pointers and advice but I will not change the poem. It describes my life more than anything I've ever written or read.
~~~~~~~~
My life, my life, a web of lies,
Guarded secrets behind shaded eyes.
My life, my life, I don't know
If my true side shall ever show.
They judge me, judge me,
Here we go.
...
Loop-the-loop, around and around,
My life, my life, head in the clouds.
Again and again, like sleepwalking,
I live my life without living.
...
They say, they say, that my lies
Will catch up to me sometime.
I guess I'll spread my arms in defeat;
What's the worst that can happen to me?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Oh man. You should enter this in the Green Room Library Contest Thingy is it isn't too late!
This is amazing. It felt like you were describing my life exactly to me! I found one thing that isn't changing the meaning of the poem, but just makes it flow nicer if you would switch it.
I would change this:
into this:
Other than that, this poem is perfect and flawless! Keep Writing!
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Thanks Yubbies!! ^_^
I get that its a deep poem for you, and I don't think you should change it, but let me just point out something. You're 13.
I like the rhythm you have used here, the pattern is nice too with the repetition on the first line of each stanza. I like how you have subtle rhymes. I am very impressed with that. Subtle rhymes are a technique that is most often overlooked until such a sate is achieved, so I think you are writing quite well.
Why is your two final stanzas so structured but not ht first? The first even has exact rhymes, it seems to be broken a bit for me in that case. (even though you said you won't change it) I think you could go just to not have these two lines at all, it would fit it better and make it more uniform, onto of that they don't add very much to the poem.
Anyway, I hope you had fun writing this, don't change it if you must(I don't think there is anything bad or majorly wrong anyway) but come back in two years time and see if you still feel the same way XD
Yup, I'm a very cynical 13 year old. XD Thanks for the review!!
Hello Wonder! PumpkinCat here with a review of "My Life". I have to say its a very nice poem with your main meaning out there I like how you express it in words and repeats rather than a free-verse poem (Like I usually do). And I have never seen anyone with your exact writing style its very unique. Well to the review, your stanzas seem to be fine except for a bit of flow errors here and there like for example: "My life, my life, I don't know". If I were you I would've put "My life, my life, I don't even know". I feel that the word "even" helps the flow of the poem well nice work Wonder! 9/10! -P.C
Thanks PumpkinCat! Cute name, by the way. :3
But yeah, I can see what you mean.
Well done, but the poem, to me, doesn't seem to paint a picture.. I don't really understand what you're trying to say, except a very confused point of view. But I like the wording and the description, it's just not very clear to me.
Hm...interesting poem. Let me say this: since you don't want to change anything, then I won't recommend you change the rhythm. I felt like it was a little off, especially in the "sleepwalking" line. Now, as far as your symbolism and such goes, I liked how you had 'shaded' with 'web', because webs are typically in the dark corners, not out in the open. It's a nice analogy to keeping the truth in the dark with your lies.
Hope this helps!