Young Writers Society

All right, I'm back for a review of the update.
This sentence struck me as an awkward read. "His brow twisted and a bottom which was blue in colour and just above the ankles." It's a fine sentence up until that "and"; then it falls apart. Could you clarify this a little more?
‘Oh common this is all rubbish, I said you right I’ll take care of her’ In that sentence, "common" should be "come on".
"She got up and decided to find out what actually a Vascara was but suddenly another thought just swept in her mind." For smoother reading change "what actually a Vascara was" to "what a Vascara actually was." Much smoother.
Much better on your descriptions, although be careful you don't overuse your similes and metaphors. It takes more than just comparing something or someone to something else to have good description.

From reading this, I thought that this was a rough draft. Your sentences don't flow, they are rather jagged and broken when you think about it. I think you should work more on your dialogue, sometimes it is hard to understand what you are trying to say.
Also, in some parts of the chapter, things happen for seemingly no reason. I don't understand the characters and it makes it hard to relate properly.
I think that the story overall is good, I understand your intentions for this story, and I suggest giving the character(s) a clearer personality (unless they are supposed to be muddled).
I enjoyed this chapter but it could use some work.

“Mind your own business,” muttered Emmaas (as) she watched Stacie flip her hair in the air and walk away.

‘One attitude person’ … words twisting in Emma’s mind as she got up and dusted her dress. She watched the curly hair and skinny legs bitch disappear into thin air.

‘Oh my Gosh you just startled me. You know right I am not a brave person like you’ Emma said slowly. She stammered as she spoke.

’ Emma continued ‘That Stacie, She’s always behind my back’, tears rolling down Emma’s eyes as she sat down leaning back to a tree trunk which was almost red in colour.’ I don’t know what’s wrong with her, never did anything wr---wrroon---wrooonggg to h-er—er stammered Emma.

Her best friend got furious. Eliza was one brave and candid person. You could almost see that on her face. Today she had seen Stacie cross her limits, So she decided to handle the matter herself. A twinkle in her eye showed that she was up to no good.

The sun rays could almost blind one’s eyes. A cold milkshake would solve the trick.

’Good afternoon’ the class wished in one voice as they watched their new teacher who wore moon-rimmed spectacles walk in. His brow twisted and a bottom which was blue in colour and just above the ankles. One could make it out by his face that this year was not going to be a good one.

’What The Hell Is Going On???’.

tea pot had almost reached its maximum melting point.

‘What rubbish is this Stacie? Detention for you OUT OF THE CLASS RIGHT NOW’

. All the girls and boys giggling to themselves so as not to catch the attention of their teacher.

Ok – So I'm finally here! Been totally busy with my first week back at work. ARGH! Exhausted.

I will review as I read so that you can see what on earth I am talking about – It tends to get all muddly otherwise!

Here goes!

I love that you've started with speech! It's a confident thing to do and it's already reassured me that you're sure about your writing style.

You need punctuation after your speech but before the speech mark. E.g
“Mind your own business” muttered Emma. - Wrong.
“Mind your own business,” muttered Emma – Correct.

Also, the marks '___' aren't speech marks. They have to be “____”

“A twinkle in her eye showed that she was up to no good.” - I love this line. It gives a clever insight into your character.

You've got a really great imagination! It's clear to see that writing is something you love to do. The only advice I have to give you is to carefully go through your writing before posting it on here. I know it's like crazy trying to spot every single mistake but they can distract the reader & make them sometimes lose interest.
I would also add some more life into your descriptions! I know that you can see everything in your minds eye exactly how you want it – but we want to come into that world too! Let us know what it looks like to by putting your imagination to paper.

Good luck! Keep writing!

Olive <3

Hey,

So here I am finally to review this piece.

Starting from the plot, I do really like you idea. It's innovative and a great way to enter the writers world. The names were interesting and different because basically 'Miranda' isn't quite a common name. Your story seemed like you have already thought about everything and looked like you were typing your imagination down which is a nice way to write books.

Well, there were negatives too though. The first one was, you posted all the 3 chapters in one, usually we go with one chapter in one post because it definitely seems rushed if you post a lot together and also some people don't have enough time to finish reading the whole thing so they go one chapter after the other.

Second, please remove the bold font. It's good when used rarely or where it is necessary, here we can just go with the normal font because it's makes the readers eyes pain.

Then comes the writing style. I know, as a new writer everyone is very excited and just want to finish up as soon as possible but that's not what you should do. One chapter should be at least of 8-9 when written in microsoft word. Sometimes even more. Because basically short chapters show two things: No proper descriptiveness on things and newbie. I used to have the same problem so don't worry. Just give one chapter appropriate time and you will get over this .

Now comes the descriptions. You need to, like really need to describe everything very clearly. It's really really important. When a person reads a books, or a chapter he or she loves to imagine the whole thing out. To imagine that person would prefer details, like how the place looks, and how the characters look and everything.

Even personalities are very important when it comes to the characters. You need to set particular personalities for all your characters. Because when we read the story we would like to know the characters and think from their point of view. And sometimes people end up having so called 'crushes' on the characters even when they are fictional just because of the whole personality thing. Another way to grab more readers.

The no. of characters should be less in your story. Or if they are more (which is also okay) then you should write more about the main characters or else the readers get confused. And confusion leads to a mess. Trust me, it does.

Punctuations and grammar, another important thing. It's quite easy to remove this you know. Just type this in MS word first and read it twice or thrice before posting, that will do the trick.

Well, here's all I had to say. My hands ache now. You know, the story is really nice but there were a few flaws. And there always are, for everyone so don't feel discouraged and try to work with your mistakes.

Umaima

Hey Raabia!

I'm always up for some horror, but sadly, I rarely see any one YWS. So this is good!

However, oh man, this was hard to read through. Your formatting is straining on the readers eyes, there is a whole bunch of grammatical errors littered throughout the piece, most of the time it is really hard to figure out who is talking and the entire story itself is very rushed.

When I say your story is rushed, I really mean it. It moves so fast, and even though your story isn't that long...you already have 3 chapters. The letter format is also large, which would make your story look even shorter if it wasn't so large. Which it shouldn't be.

There is so much I could go over in the story, so I'll just start and attempt to cover as much as possible. I might skip over recurring problems, but one example should clue you in.

edit

‘Ouch’ said Emma as Stacie just pushed her hard on the ground. ”Mind your own business” muttered Emma as she watched Stacie flip her hair in the air and walk away.

‘One attitude bitch’

She watched the curly haired and skinny legged bitch disappear into thin air.

as she flipped her long, straight brown hair back.

She stammered as she spoke.

‘Its owwkayy’ Eliza consoled. ‘Just tell me what happened?’ Emma continued ‘That Stacie, She’s always behind my back’, tears rolling down Emma’s eyes as she sat down leaning back to a tree trunk which was almost red in colour.’ I don’t know what’s wrong with her, never did anything wr---wrroon---wrooonggg to h-er—er stammered Emma.

’ I wonder what she does when she goes off alone’

we need to get going

Emma still upset got up.

Both went back quietly to their respective classes.

His brow twisted and a bottom which was blue in colour and just above the ankles

‘Turn to page 36’ barked Mrs Stein.’

’What The Hell Is Going On???’.

and “TRINNNNNNNGGGG” the bell rang.

the horror book shelf was half empty as usual.

‘Oh come on this is all rubbish,

Emma blurted out

her eyes & she could not see

a mixer to be grinded into small pieces.

‘Menu For The Day’

’ My Gosh is this seriously happening?’

After lunch break it was a free period so Emma decided to go back to the dormitory and think all over it.

“CrEeAaAkkk”

It was Miranda. She had come to take her oil paints. Miranda a 15 year old who was a very good artist was curious to see Emma all alone but she never liked intruding any one’s privacy so she took her stuff and left.

Hey, thanks for the review request. It was my first official request that just came out of the blue, from a person that I don't really know well. Well, let's get to it shall we?

First off let me say that I loved the art at the beginning of this. It's not something that I have ever seen before and I thought that it was really original.

Secondly, I'm not sure why you used bold text throughout the whole piece, with grey text. It just seems really unnecessary to me.

Lastly, in my opinion the chapters are really short and I think that they can be combined into one chapter.

‘Ouch’ said Emma

Code: Select all

[i]place your text here[/i]

‘One attitude bitch’ …

words twisting in Emma’s mind as she got up and dusted her dress.

‘Don’t worry’ a voice just lurked from behind which gave a startling shock to Emma as she froze in fright.

Her best friend got furious.

She slowly said

‘Emma the hot sun will dazzle your eyes by the end of the evening, we need going’ Eliza said.

You have two instances where you indicate that she is speaking. You only need one.

Chapter One was pretty good overall, I like your plot so far, but I think that your grammar and your language needs a little work. When I say that, I don't mean your use of curse words, I mean the actual language of the piece. It's slightly juvenile and I know that you can do better than that. Your age says that you are fifteen, but some areas of this read like they were written by someone much younger. You're a good writer, you just need some work.

‘Oh common this is all rubbish, I said you right I’ll take care of her’

I think that here you meant come on and the last part of the sentence makes no sense.

Chapter Two was pretty good, but it is what is known as a "filler" it doesn't really need to be there except for the fact that it provides one or two crucial details. If it weren't for those details, the filler wouldn't exist.

You can easily combine C1 and C2.

still feeling dizzy she quickly gathered her bones and got up.

She gathered her bones? Creepy.

she was put up in a mixer to be grind ed into small pieces.

Grinded is not really a word. The correct word is ground.

Miranda a [b]15]/b] year old

I felt like this was a story that had random words chopped out, or missing sentences completely. There needs to be a lot more description, and SLOW DOWN!!!! You're writing this so fast it's like I'm falling down a waterfall trying to keep track of things, hitting rocks unpredictably on the way down. You're just blowing through this story, and I need more description. Slow it down, describe things in detail. Good job of keeping "tell" out of this, but please give way more show. I need more description and detail than what I'm given. Example: when Emma's researching the note, I have no idea how she got to (supposedly) the library and how she even knew which books to search. What's she searching on? A computer? Card Catalog? I'm really lost there. And your chapters jump really, really bad. Maybe transition a little smoother.