To the war drums, screams and blares we dance, Moving our legs in simultaneous accord.
Our common sense gone with the wind Our sense of pride and importance full to the brim.
Confidently we move through happy greens and bustling villages,
Our legs still dancing in accord Our senses still confident and strong,
The drummer boy keeps up with the hype of the moment.
Suddenly the happy green turns deep red,
Our simultaneous dance breaks up in frenzy Our protective senses kick in,
We are now in no man's land.
The melody of the drums and trumpets is now long forgotten,
Replaced by the barks of 'we shall not retreat' by our high and mighty generals,
I look around for the drummer boy but all I see are his sticks covered in blood and mud.
All around me I see my brethren scattered across
The blood soaked land like empty seashells in the sand
A father, a son, a brother, a human,
Left to the worms and crows.
Finally the generals gain their heads and call for retreat,
We turn and run, the drummer boys sticks firmly in my hand,
Back through the once bustling villages we trudge
A cold grey feeling hangs in the air.
Hungry, disappointed eyes follow us
Eyes that tell the story of hate and anger all too well,
These are the wives, the sisters and daughters
These are the real victims of war.
At night I lay awake haunted by the dying groans and wishes of humans,
The fear in their eyes permanently engraved on my mind.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
So, I won't lie, I was completely pulled in by the title. I find dark things to be very pleasurable to read, and war is an interest of mine. My only critique, since I'm not the best at judging poetry, or maybe, for that matter, any work, is that you used accord twice. That and that you used the phrase "keeps up", which sticks out as strikingly modern while the rest are rather old fashioned terms. I feel like for both of these, you could have picked a better word.
Besides that, very good job, really nicely written with an easy flow to it. My favorite parts are the line about being left to the worms and crows and the one where they're in no man's land.
Okay, first, I'd like to point out that this is absolutely perfect.
No criticism needed at all.
I find nothing wrong with this.
It tells so much, in so little sentences.
I absolutley love it. A lot.
This proved how good of a writer you are, and how far you've come.
Good job, really.
I'd like to read more stuff like this.
Hi.
Well I'll be honest in saying that I am not at all the kind of person who has a thing for nationalistic/patriotic poetry. One about war and soldiers fall in the same category for me.
But I liked your piece quite a lot.
You do not use graphic images, but very strong metaphors, to build the image in the reader's head, without at all building on in the words you use. Your use of colors is also very effective to the same purpose of creating visual images without using any.
You made war about human connection, about the people involved, and their loved ones, and not about the nation or patriotism. That makes it very personal, and it makes the reader feel something that cant quite easily be explained. Not exactly any form of remorse, but like a form of a personal bond being broken into pieces, shattered.
A really strong read. Please do write more of such stuff.
Hi there orel! Nite here to give this a look see for our team this fine Review Day!
Overall, this is very good. The imagery is strong, and I especially liked how you carried the image of the drummer boy throughout the piece.
The ending, however, could use some help. The image of hungry eyes is a tad weak. It might be more interesting to, say, have to deliver the boy's sticks to his mother. Show us these "real victims" rather than just tell us they are.
I agree with Ariana that the punctuation is off. Sometimes there's none, sometimes there's too much. Generally, I punctuate poetry as I would prose.
One more small thing: The use of "accord" in the beginning, while technically correct, felt a little weird to me. It seems like "synchronized movements" or "moving in sync" might sound more natural.
Overall, good stuff, but work on the ending. Keep writing and GO GREEN LANTERNS!
Why is this in art? It should be in poetry.
I think at the beginning some of your sentences have forgotten punctuation and also you keep putting capitals after commas or else you meant a full stop. For example below is how I feel it should be.
Also you have some rhymes so maybe you should consider line breaks as well between your stanzas. The above can apply throughout the rest of the poem.
I enjoy reading depictions of war and how different people see it. You seem to have gone for a more traditional approach of the scared and shell shocked soldier which you have pulled off well.
I like some of your metaphors and wording used, for example
Here I got the feeling that you are comparing the marching of the soldiers to dancing.
I feel that the above line could be improved a little bit. The soldier in question is horrified. I don't think he would refer to the people as 'humans' at this point.
Good job and keep writing.
Hello 5 there! What a lovely work of literature. I think that for the most part, this accurately illustrated the life of war. My only concern is with the layout. I imagine it is the fault of YWS. My question is, was the excluding of any punctuation intentional? If not, I do suggest that you add in some. Also this needs to be separated-not just lines with one capitalized start in the middle of them. Other than that, I think that when you said,
"Their fear in their eyes", it should not say "their". Also I think you made a mistake when you said, "At night I lay hunted". In my opinion, it should be "haunted". Anyway, other than that, well done! Once again this was an accurate depiction that was full of imagery and emotions.