A Lay Human Writes About Life

Hey there buddy! I figure I might get a start on reviewing your poems, so here I am! I'm sorry for the dissection of your poem...it might get a little bit long. 

Okay, first off, I know you already know there are typos, but I'm just going to list them all off super quick here, so you can fix all of them efficiently. Actually, I think you dealt with most of them already, there's just a few left:

"phenomenom" should be "phenomenon"
(3rd stanza) "it's" should be "its"
again, "phenomenom" => "phenomenon"
"gose" should be "goes"

Now, there are some punctuation things that I would edit, maybe.  There aren't really any problems, but there are a few places where changing the punctuation might help with flow and keep the grammar neat:

"Each day we wake up to this thing called life."
-I would change the period at the end to a comma, because it makes more sense with the following line.

"Each day we run around with this thing called life, in us."
-I might get rid of the comma after "life" both because it doesn't make sense grammatically and it better fits the flow.  But, maybe you could change the period at the end to a comma here as well...

"Yet we can't deny the fact."
-Since the next line is basically part of the same sentence, get rid of the period at the end of this one and leave it blank.

"it's own magical miracle."
-Change the period here to a comma as well.

Alright, those are my little nitpicky things over with. On to the rhyme scheme!

"Each day we wake up to this thing called life.
This phenomenom where only schemed insanity would suffice.
In the organised vain systems of this life of strife
We scurry about like little mice."

The rhymes here are a little awkward, maybe a little bit forced.  I like the rhyming of "life" and "strife"; they are not at all forced and a perfect rhyme.  However, I would try to find a different way to phrase the end of the third line so that you don't repeat the word "life" again.  As far as the second and fourth rhymes, they're not bad at all, but unfortunately positioned with "ife" endings, they are a bit weary and make the whole stanza sound a bit repetitive...so I would suggest finding a different rhyme ending for both lines.  The 2nd line, you needn't change more than the last two words; there are many things possible to put there.  You might have to change the 4th line a little more, but whatever you do, try to use an easy rhyme that doesn't have the "I" sound.

If at any time you're having trouble coming up with all the rhyming options you might want, there are a couple things you can try.  The first, which is what I do when I'm thinking of rhymes, is go through the alphabet and put the ending you want after each letter, if possible.  Some by themselves will be words; some you might have to think of any words that end that way, but usually you will always find several options at least. Then you want to think about which one sounds natural and you can use so it fits the context of your poem. Another way is to look up on an online rhyming thesaurus for the first word you have.  If you need a last resort.

"Each day we run around with this thing called life, in us.
This race where no one wants to finish first.
Here where the healthy, wealthy being is the one most at risk among us.
This race that is never long enough to satisfy our human thirst."

I would say the 2nd and 4th line rhymes are really good, because they sound natural.  In the 1st and 3rd lines, of course, it's just the same word, 'us'.  That's fine in all technicality, but if at all possible it's best to avoid.  So see if you can go through and find any other rhymes you could put at the ends of one or both of the lines.  All of these things would take a little while, but work is always worth it.

"Yet we can't deny the fact.
That this life possesses it's own magical miracle.
From the mighty peaks to the lowly tracts.
This phenomonom gose on and on in an unending cycle."

The rhymes here are both a little off.  "Act" is a bit more difficult than some rhyme endings, I will say.  "Acle", "Ycle", or "Icle" are probably harder.  You might be able to change the third line so that it is about different "miracles", and ends in words like pact, act, tact, tracked, etc. But it might also be easier to find words that end in an "ack" sound instead.  It actually sounds better out loud, and closer to the rhyme, than adding on an "s".  There might be more word options that way, too.  Try working on the other rhyme endings in a similar way.

"Life, this futile quest
Where the only real hope of victory is peaceful eternal rest."

Good rhyming here! I don't think you need to change anything, it's a very natural and relevant rhyme. 

In general:

I think overall, you really expressed emotions well here.  The subject of realizing what the world really is, albeit not the only time it's been used, is a feeling that all teens can relate to.  The poem itself, though it needs some editing, is nice and concise, and you showed a lot of views that provide thinking material for both those who share those views and those who don't...so overagrew upper awesome job with this, Orel! Think about the specific details I talked about, and keep writing your poetry!

~Sapi

i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.

YAY!!! REview TIme!!!...111!!!

that was really depressing. you need to reread your work out loud and you will find most of the errors and fragments.

I like the Deepness of it and the rawness of the use of words.

I really like
"Each day we wake up to this thing called life.
This phenomenom where only schemed insanity would suffice.
In the organised vain systems of this life of strife
We scurry about like little mice."

the whole first paragraph but it seems like you start to lose the flow in the rest. keep trying and keep up the writing

This was good. You could have done some more work with the stanzas to make them flow more and give it a better rhythm. I found one or two spelling mistakes, so just whenever you post up your work, proof read it first and check out any spelling mistakes or anything like that that you might have. Again with the stanzas, while good and while they had a good sense of meaning, you need to work on them so they flow. I found myself more than once just reading it like i would a book instead of having the words flow through head like with most poetry. Overall, it was a good poem, and im sure once you check yourself over a bit, you will get a lot better at it.
Yours, Sl4y4

Like it was said before me, the last stanza had me smiling. But to tell you the ultimate truth, it was very very good. It had everything, from rhyming to almost perfect uniformity. Though there was about two words which were wrongly spelled(dont know if you did it on purpose).
And also, i'd have loved it if your poem had displayed the hard part of the whole unending cycle.
Loved it...loved it.......peace

The very last stanza was very well brought out, the fact that you made it only two lines made it stand out and the fact that you wrote your thoughts on the matter made it even more important. The rhyming in this helped to give it a nice flow that made it easy to read. Throughout the poem I must point out that you had several spelling mistakes. "pocessess" is spelled possesses and "gose" is pretty self explanatory. I think that when you wrote haelty you meant healthy, but I never understood what beijg was supposed to be. The mistakes kinda distract one from the flow, so be sure to fix those.