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E - Everyone

You People

by orel

You people of stained mind!

Floating around in your flowing white garments,

Dipping your hands into the cake of man-kind.

You serpents! You care nothing for the people you govern

You slither and hide in your mansions of pretend concern.

Monsters! Deservants of eternal chide.

You People ! Sufferers of the organised insanity.

You toil day and night for your masters of disillusion,

Those people who treat you with loving animosity.

Your children they leave with little hope or vision,

Yet all you decide to do is join your hands and say.

"In the lords name we pray."

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117 Reviews

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Sun Oct 30, 2016 2:01 am
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Astronomer wrote a review...

Hello there, Orel!
This is Moonwatcher here with a Review Day review!

You're very emotional, which I can tell through the nice way that you presented your tone and mood in the poem, and very passionate/dedicated about your opinion.

Although punctuation/grammar issues may be a stylistic choice, you seem to have inconsistent punctuation, present in some places, and not available in others. I assume you're using punctuation after conjunctions (periods) and after complete sentences (periods), however, the lack of punctuation is frequently absent. I advise that you either remove punctuation, or make your punctuation use consistent.

(Small note: Suggest putting this in the politics genre. I interpreted this poem as a poem about the government/it's tyranny over the people, so do tell me if I'm mistaken.)

You serpents!

Supporting the fact that the government is ruled by illuminati man eating reptiles, eh? i'm joking of course

If this was indeed about the government, I wonder what country you're talking about? I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it were America, cause I mean, look at our government.

Sorry that there wasn't much criticism in this review, the poem was really short, after all. I feel as if the strongest thing about this poem was the voice behind the narrator. It was very moving and powerful, so nice job, and I hope this review helps you out! ^-^

orel says...

Thanks for the review Moon, I'll work on the punctuation and definitely move it to the political section.
I actually come from Nigeria, and trust me our government is worse, at least yours functions to a certain level, here every person is his/her own local government.

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23 Reviews

Points: 52
Reviews: 23

Thu Oct 27, 2016 10:37 pm
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gema11 wrote a review...

Very emotional. You use a lot of very powerful images, like the stained mind, flowing white garments, and the dipping of hands into the cake of mankind.
Remember that although this is poetry, punctuation is still very important. To make sure you have all of your commas (I see you are missing quite a few) in the right place, try placing it in a grammar checker (I prefer Grammarly).

orel says...

Hey Gema. Thanks for the review, I'm glad you felt the imagery in the poem, Imagery is one of my favourite poetic tools, and I do spend a lot of time working on it.
As for the punctuation I'll definitely review it.

"I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..."
— Unnamed Girl from "Mean Girls"